Everything in my life is falling to pieces

[Flickering]

I am 24, I'm independent, I study full-time and I just quit a 30-hour-a-week job that was driving me to seriously consider suicide. I was finding it impossible to manage work, study and depression all at once. I'm running out of money and it's looking like I'll need help from my parents, who are not happy about it. I'm failing my course. I simply do not want to be here. I wish I was dead. I have nowhere to build up motivation as long as I spend most of my energy thinking about the void, or about a better world.

I do not feel able to engage. I do not feel I belong anywhere in society. I don't have a lot of hope for my prospects in the future. It's especially frustrating because I know I have a lot to give. I just can't figure out how.

I have tried diet, ayahuasca, a myriad of other psychedelics, serious meditation, hypnosis, therapy, medication, exercise, travel and about a hundred ways to look at my life but none of it has changed the inescapable reality of the depression I've lived with for close to twelve years now. It has reached the point where it is crippling me. It has humiliated me, robbed me of the ability to cope with stress or to enjoy anything, and sucked me dry of the person I could have been by now. It makes it almost impossible to even hope.

My parents' attitude: "If we help you out this time, we're enabling you to behave and feel this way."

Not that they have to anyway. I don't believe it's my right to burden anybody. But it hurts that that's how they see it. I just want this to STOP. The way it affects other people. The way it affects how they see me. The way it affects me. And the only way I know to really make EVERYTHING stop is to end my life. But I'm not going to do that because I'm too conscious of how much pain it would cause people. I feel like I'm being pulled in a dozen directions, when all I want to do is lie back and freefall. Instead I'm just caught.

This world is such a miserable scumfucking place. Out of all the possible realities - why bring innocent beings into one where energy has to feed off energy, where natural selection rewards cruelty? Does it really HAVE to be this way, where the greatest accomplishment of our species is a bomb that can destroy the planet we live on? Out of all the things we could have had - is this REALLY the world that we get, the one where people with the same genetic coding as you cut the hearts out of their own living children to feed to the sun? We are in hell right now. That is no hyperbole. This is the underworld of torment and ghosts described in all those ancient myths. And when I dream, and in deep psychedelic states, I can fly straight out past it into the light. Radiant light, I've witnessed inside every one of us.

Do you feel like you're chained here, or is it just me?

I have a lot to offer, and I'm watching the world do this to itself, and I'm watching my life get less and less stable. I don't know what to do or where to go, I can't help anyone least of all myself, and I'm out of energy. I have no idea how I'm supposed to approach this.

 

[Allein]

Hi Flickering,

There have been times where I have felt that the only option was to end it all, or just walk away and try and be someone else, star again denying my old and real self. I've been very close to doing both of those thing during the last few years but some how didn't follow through.

I'm going to comment on a few p0f your words because they strike a chord with me and maybe some of the ways I found to deal with them might help, if not well at least I tried and I'd be a pretty shitty person for not trying

I do not feel able to engage. I do not feel I belong anywhere in society.

Don't feel pressure to fit in, you are unique, in time you will find your place in the world even if that place is fairly solitary

I have tried diet, ayahuasca, a myriad of other psychedelics, serious meditation, hypnosis, therapy, medication, exercise, travel and about a hundred ways to look at my life but none of it has changed the inescapable reality of the depression I've lived with for close to twelve years now. It has reached the point where it is crippling me. It has humiliated me, robbed me of the ability to cope with stress or to enjoy anything, and sucked me dry of the person I could have been by now. It makes it almost impossible to even hope.

Shit sounds like a rough deal, but to say these things have robbed you or things just doesn't hold water, illness of all kinds can grind you down but they can also have a positive influence in the longer run. I'm not suggesting you should be grateful for these problems but they are what they are and an intrinsic part of you that one day you will see given you strength and insight , it's clear you have much of that already.

ot that they have to anyway. I don't believe it's my right to burden anybody. But it hurts that that's how they see it. I just want this to STOP. The way it affects other people. The way it affects how they see me. The way it affects me. And the only way I know to really make EVERYTHING stop is to end my life. But I'm not going to do that because I'm too conscious of how much pain it would cause people. I feel like I'm being pulled in a dozen directions, when all I want to do is lie back and freefall. Instead I'm just caught.

My best advice is to stop worry about what other people think or feel, you'll never know th9ose things for sure anyhow. Your primary goal should be getting well, you may well have tried m,any treatments before but sometimes it's a question of keeping on trying until you find something or someone that can offer some help, counselling of some kind sounds like what you really need, I'm from the UK so dont have much idea about what services are available but my advice is to keep trying, there are some greta counsellors out there and some really awful ones.

This world is such a miserable scumfucking place

Those few words really touched my soul, I could wax lyrical about the beauty of the world / universe but that would just be self indulgence. It's all a question of perspective, when you are in the dark place you are clearly going to see only dark things.

The true reality is light band beauty and wonder beyond out comprehension, try to start to take daily walks in the countryside, listen to some positive music and take some time to just relax and be.

Your parents may never understand but it doesn't sound like they are going to abandon you, accept whatever support you can get with grace, but most importantly of all start making positive moves to getting yourself into a better place .

I sat these words often because someone once said them to me and probably prevented me from taking the door Marked EXIT. Things may feel bad now, you may feel alone and in the dark but it will not always be this way, one day things will be better and you will see the light again.

All my very best wishes

 

[Flickering]

Actually after writing that (while stoned) I had to later acknowledge how whiny it probably sounded to people with much worse parents, and more serious problems.

I ended up phoning my dad back and saying thanks, but I didn't want his help. Being at the point in my life of even asking for it is way, way less than I'm capable of.

Funnily enough I'm starting to acknowledge now that it might be possible to turn these thoughts around - it's hellishly hard though and I don't exactly know where to start. Recently, ayahuasca showed me the whole web of messed-up beliefs about myself, and the true sources of every bit of stress and anxiety. Not a fun journey, nor even particularly healing, but useful for the perspective.

You are right, my primary goal should be getting well, and I should stop worrying about the things I have to do for survival, and how others see them. It'll only make it harder. There has to be some way. I still find it hard to believe that all the inventive power of the universe could come up with nothing better than this. (Especially having recently opened my third eye to the entire plane of the imagination.)

 

[Mysterie]

wonderful post allein.

i can relate to ur story OP, so this is what i think could help

id recommend reading or listening to the audiobook of "the places that scare you - by pema chodron" (can be found on some piratey dock)

pema is a tibetan buddhist nun, and the book is about dark emotions and how we can abide with them with the curiosity of a child

i listen to it while im going to bed, or taking my dog for a walk in the park, and it really lifts my spirits + gives some valuable real world tools for experiencing depression

other than that i think a daily meditation practice of 15 mins and some form of yoga or a similar exercise would be really great for you, to get to know your inner peace better and learn to access it more often

often what i find kick starts me getting out of a rut, is being inspired by something, what last inspired me was pema's books, but for u could be something else (nature, some film, a conversation), search out ur inspiration!

 

[herbavore]

^That very book got me through my son's death, mysterie. The simplicity of her language and the total lack of judgment for everything you may feel was a path I could consciously follow out of hopelessness.

Flickering, your post did not sound whiny to me at all. It sounded like a person grappling with deep and baffling pain. Your sensitivity to the world--to the suffering in the world--can be so overwhelming. What helps me the most is being in nature and knowing that our species is just one tiny blip of existence in a much grander mystery. All of the destruction we cause, all of our cruelties and arrogance, exist in something unimaginably larger. Yes, we may be a terrible virus on this planet but in the end this planet will heal from our brief time here. Likewise, the planet itself has an end date and the universe will surely not mourn our sun when it burns out. I guess this view sounds bleak but to me it is a comfort and allows me to simply try to create beauty and love in my tiny little sphere and have that be enough.

The modern world brings the suffering of everyone and everything to our awareness. Primitive peoples had only the suffering that they witnessed to contend with. We have an awareness--presented to us in graphic detail-- of the suffering of our own and every other species in the farthest reaches of the globe. For the tenderhearted and sensitive person, this is unbearable. We need new tools that can show us how to cope with and balance our own helplessness to control so much of the suffering we see and how to actively strive to change what we can, while not getting mired in depression and fear. It's a struggle I know well and I think it is only my age that has lightened it at all. Being closer to death than birth brings about a phenomenal appreciation for life in all its messiness and angst--a kind of acceptance which feels like grace.

I admire your searching as reflected in this post as well as many others that you have written here and in other forums. You are right that you have a lot to offer. Sometimes we have to make a conscious choice to find peace. That Buddhist saying, "When you come to an edge of what you can suffer you have a choice; you can either shut down or open even more", makes so much sense to me. When my son died of a despair that I myself know so well, I thought I should surely die as well. It was an actual as well as metaphorical cliff that I stood on and decided that I would turn and embrace whatever life would be from that moment on. That decision--a very conscious decision--has made all the difference.

 

[neversickanymore]

I'm failing my course. I simply do not want to be here.

What are you studying, why are you studying this and does your heart agree with this path of study?

I have nowhere to build up motivation as long as I spend most of my energy thinking about the void, or about a better world.

Our life and this world is how we percieve it. Our perceptions are based off our thought. We control our thoughts. So we control how our life is.

If you seek out and fixate on aspects of this world that you have chosen to judge as "flaws, negative, or awful," then you will find a world that's flawed negative and awful.

I do not feel able to engage

What does your heart tell you is the path you should be on, is this the one your on?

I do not feel I belong anywhere in society.

where have you all looked.. does this include looking to find yourself?

I don't have a lot of hope for my prospects in the future.

Why are you dying.. not trying to be a cock, just saying you have all the prospects you choose to make.

I have tried diet, ayahuasca, a myriad of other psychedelics, serious meditation, hypnosis, therapy, medication, exercise, travel and about a hundred ways to look at my life but none of it has changed the inescapable reality of the depression I've lived with for close to twelve years now. It has reached the point where it is crippling me. It has humiliated me, robbed me of the ability to cope with stress or to enjoy anything, and sucked me dry of the person I could have been by now. It makes it almost impossible to even hope.

You may consider trying to identify what your path is and working towards that.

This world is such a miserable scumfucking place. Out of all the possible realities - why bring innocent beings into one where energy has to feed off energy, where natural selection rewards cruelty? Does it really HAVE to be this way, where the greatest accomplishment of our species is a bomb that can destroy the planet we live on? Out of all the things we could have had - is this REALLY the world that we get, the one where people with the same genetic coding as you cut the hearts out of their own living children to feed to the sun? We are in hell right now. That is no hyperbole. This is the underworld of torment and ghosts described in all those ancient myths. And when I dream, and in deep psychedelic states, I can fly straight out past it into the light. Radiant light, I've witnessed inside every one of us.

Pretty good writing here.. good writers can significantly influence the world, maybe your path includes writing. In relation to humans, cruelty is not rewarded with many or any valuable rewards, what do you feel is valuable? At one point in my life I looked around at all the stuff I had, I had everything they said I could ever need to be happy, so was I miserable.. nothing more depressing than having "it all" and being miserable. Cruel people may be rewarded, but the rewards the reap are worthless.

As far as the rest of the "cruelty" you see.. your the one who is judging it as cruel. Matter is never destroyed, everyone gets out of the ride of life unharmed.. life is the most amazing ride.. we get to experience all these amazing things, love, hate, pleasure, pain, cold, heat, warmth, hunger, feast, struggle, luck, selfishness, charity, war, peace, fear, failure, success, accomplishment, struggle, and so much more. Everyone gets out just fine in the end, and we take all our experiences and lessons with us. It can be pathetically compaired to a rollercoaster.. we go an a rollercoaster to be excited, scared, and jostled around, but int he end we all get off just fine. Life is the same, so there is no good and bad, its all good, but we can choose to judge things as good or bad. If we do then we have allot of "bad" things happen to us and see many bad things in the world.


Just a few things to think about, hope they help.

 

[phactor]

Why do your parents refuse to help you with money? What is making them reluctant? Do they feel you are mismanaging your money or spending it on things or ways you should not be? Do you have some sort of behavior, individual or association they do not like?

Not trying to offend you, but we often play a role in these situations.

I am a Graduate student and hardly make enough money to cover my expense and whatnot. I keep having to turn to them for help. They are giving it to me now, somewhat reluctantly but only because:

A. They know that I am not using drugs and am clean (I am a drug addict in recovery and have been an addict for 15-20 years)

B. They see that if they support me now, it will pay off later for me and them

----

If I start using, no more help. They made that clear. This is my last shot (and they have given me so many its unbelievable). I am honestly ashamed of how much I have taken from them throughout my life. But all I can do now is live, do what I have to do, and make it up to them. If I do what I am supposed to do, then I will.

Psychedelic states and experiences can be interesting and shit, I have been there more times then I can count (and I have hung up the phone after getting the message now). But nothing is better for me then just getting shit accomplished and being the best person I can be. I personally have learned far far more from just living life and getting through shit then I have ever while being all spun out.

Life isn't fair, it can be rough but that is what makes the good times worth it.

 

[Maya]

^exactly! Love what yoj said phactor! Life isn't fair indeed but the great times, the happiness is what I hold on to and the more happiness to come. Sometimes frustrations and problems are unavoidable but we can surpass them with will and determination.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Life is very cruel, to me anyway. I've been beset by health problems in recent years, so much so that my ability to continue using my legs may begin to be in question. I'm not too depressed, though, surprisingly, although I do have high anxiety about the whole thing. The world is a brutal existence but there are significant beautiful aspects of it in my opinion. Whenever I feel bummed (usually happens at night before sleep)
i'll visualize memory images from my past, to incidents that I had a lot of fun being involved in. Keeps my mind peaceful before sleep.

 

[Flickering]

id recommend reading or listening to the audiobook of "the places that scare you - by pema chodron" (can be found on some piratey dock)

Thanks, I'll look for it.

The modern world brings the suffering of everyone and everything to our awareness. Primitive peoples had only the suffering that they witnessed to contend with. We have an awareness--presented to us in graphic detail-- of the suffering of our own and every other species in the farthest reaches of the globe. For the tenderhearted and sensitive person, this is unbearable. We need new tools that can show us how to cope with and balance our own helplessness to control so much of the suffering we see and how to actively strive to change what we can, while not getting mired in depression and fear.

This is very true and I was thinking about it all of today. I've often tried to block out the abstract and focus on the moment, because my mind inevitably wanders to the senseless suffering in the world. It drains morale, just listing the endless examples of how pathologically insane our species is. Or simply how indifferent the universe is. I guess that's part of the importance of mindfulness. But I also hate the feeling that I'm ignoring a problem I can't solve - like I want to get involved and make a proper difference, but I don't see a way.

"When you come to an edge of what you can suffer you have a choice; you can either shut down or open even more", makes so much sense to me. When my son died of a despair that I myself know so well, I thought I should surely die as well. It was an actual as well as metaphorical cliff that I stood on and decided that I would turn and embrace whatever life would be from that moment on. That decision--a very conscious decision--has made all the difference.

This also made sense. A lot of sense. I'll relate a smaller instance of it today - I feel like I have nowhere left to turn and I'm at the end of the rope, so I wrote my mum a letter telling her everything about my life - all of it. And for some of the stuff that's in my life, that's ballsy. And it was against the temptation to shut down, do nothing, deactivate.

I don't know how you got through your son's death. That takes something else. Special kind of perseverance.

The despair isn't something I've ever managed to escape from the moment it hooked its claws. Not for long, anyway - a few warm days here and there in the afterglow of a psychedelic firecracker to the brain, but it always returned to the norm in the end, no matter how I tried to hold on to it.

What are you studying, why are you studying this and does your heart agree with this path of study?

Actually sorry, I meant I'm failing my course, and, separately, I don't want to be here (on Earth) anymore. I'm studying Psychology and my heart is mostly in it - I have a few reservations but no industry is perfect.

where have you all looked.. does this include looking to find yourself?

I can fit into plenty of groups of people, just not into any proper functional role, i.e. profession. Then again, maybe I haven't looked far enough. As to looking for myself, I've been doing that half my life.

Pretty good writing here.. good writers can significantly influence the world, maybe your path includes writing. In relation to humans, cruelty is not rewarded with many or any valuable rewards, what do you feel is valuable?

Writing is definitely on the path. My brain's currently in too many pieces to focus on it though. Interesting way to look at cruelty, and I like it. But it doesn't change that the Kim Jong-Un's keep getting to make millions of people miserable on purpose just to keep them too scared to fight back.

As far as the rest of the "cruelty" you see.. your the one who is judging it as cruel. Matter is never destroyed, everyone gets out of the ride of life unharmed.. life is the most amazing ride.. we get to experience all these amazing things, love, hate, pleasure, pain, cold, heat, warmth, hunger, feast, struggle, luck, selfishness, charity, war, peace, fear, failure, success, accomplishment, struggle, and so much more. Everyone gets out just fine in the end, and we take all our experiences and lessons with us. It can be pathetically compaired to a rollercoaster.. we go an a rollercoaster to be excited, scared, and jostled around, but int he end we all get off just fine. Life is the same, so there is no good and bad, its all good, but we can choose to judge things as good or bad. If we do then we have allot of "bad" things happen to us and see many bad things in the world.

I'm afraid I've only ever made it to that point on fairly strong doses of things, so it doesn't last. But I understand the idea. Unfortunately as soon as my intellect grapples with it, it disappears into a cloud of smoke.

Phactor: not actually a drug issue, they know I use hallucinogens only and seem to only mind a little. If I was getting hooked on things and I needed money, I can see how that would be an issue.

My parents didn't actually refuse to help (I refused the help) but I felt bad about it after coming away from the conversation. Like, they're getting to think that I'm just going to end up being a burden to them. And this, when I know I could be doing pretty much anything I wanted by now. And the spiral of feeling more horrible reflects in my life as I seem less and less able to be a functioning member of society. I'm getting so fucking sick of it. There's nowhere to just get off the ride no matter how nauseated you are, and it just doesn't end.

 

[edgewise1]

Hi Burnt Offerings. I'm in the same boat as you except I have already lost my legs. Had a spinal cord stroke 2 years ago to the month. Was in a wheelchair for ~10 months, but now use a walker, also I can drive and without any mods to my vehicle!

I understand your anxiety since I am sure I would have been full of it had I seen this coming, but it happened within the space of 12 hours by which time I was being given IV pain meds around the clock from 7/25/12-- 9/07/12 before being transferred to rehab and oral pain meds for 6 weeks. Once I went home I saw my family doctor who promptly put me on tramadol/lyrica/oxycodone/morphine/baclofen, which I have been on ever since. I do not remember being depressed or anxious....yet.

To me it is like this has happened, not a damn thing I can do to reverse it so I have to make the best of things and try to be happy as I possibly can be. I'm the type of person that I would have thought would lay down and stayed down had I thought something like this would happen. But sometimes we surprise ourselves in the most remarkable ways. Guess it is that indomitable human spirit that shows up in our time of need, and I suspect it will show up when you need it also!

Hang in there my friend. If it doesn't kill us it has to make us stronger!!!

 

[Libertin]

I am 24, I'm independent, I study full-time and I just quit a 30-hour-a-week job that was driving me to seriously consider suicide...I do not feel able to engage. I do not feel I belong anywhere in society. I don't have a lot of hope for my prospects in the future. It's especially frustrating because I know I have a lot to give. I just can't figure out how.
.

There are millions of us worldwide. The only respectable option presented to us is to become part of the corporate machine, working ourselves to death for the benefit of an extremely greedy few.

But there is an alternative. The discontent, intelligent, well-educated, alienated young people of our generation have to take control of our own lives. Find your passion, become self-employed, strive for a better quality of life not money.

We're in the same boat, except I'm done with my studies and now trapped in an unfulfilling job. Believe me, great things will come from the strong-minded individual whose life is dominated by suffering.

 

[Maya]

^libertin, I can definitely relate to that, I am stuck in a job I am miserable at and i'm stuck because i have incurred a debt that I am still paying off. I know in my heart that I am done and that I am ready to move on after I have paid off my debt. It really takes a lot of guts and reflection as to what will really make you happy and I wasn't comfortable quitting my job before because I didn't think of exploring other options. But now I realized that there's other opportunities out there where I will be much comfortable working at without all the unnecessary stress.

 

[Fisserul]

If you're looking for stability in your life maybe you should reconsider your experimentation with psychedelic compounds at this point in your life? Is it really moving you forward?

Like I wrote in my PM my personal experiences with cannabis were very mixed. Definitely brought me more trouble than good in the long run. We all respond differently to different drugs, but just wanted to share that.

The most rewarding and life turning experiences in my life has come around when I have put my pride and vanity aside and stepped out of my comfort zone and risked being rejected or ridiculed. Not that my life is totally perfect now at 37 - but it sure is better than 15 years ago.

Bringing up a child is also a unique opportunity for insight into the formation of a human being - and your own unconscious. Meditation, therapy and hypnosis has helped me somewhat too. But if you're really deep down this (meditation/yoga) can feel fruitless because it takes a long time to "kick in" and when it does it does so in a very subtle way is my experience. Building or participation in communities that share your passions is maybe my best bet. Find ways to channel the awesomeness and horror you have experienced into the mundane world and let others learn who you are and connect to them.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

Hey bro. Is that a bug? That's scary.

Anyway no its not. You're good. That's bad, but not unusual.

Too much at once.

Break it into pieces.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

Sorry I posted twice.

Have u seen jacobs ladder? Is that what that toys called?

U have one block sticking to the other.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey Flickering, I didn't know you were feeling this way, I'm really sorry you're going through this man. I was in despair and wanted to die for a good couple of years, as recently as this January. Now I feel incredible. For me, it was a variety of factors. I was in a very long-term relationship/marriage which was frustrating me to a phenomenal degree... I was filled with anger and frustration and resentment and it was eating me up inside. Additionally, and partly as a symptom of that, I was addicted to opiates for 10 years which shattered my self-esteem, self-image and ability to simply feel the natural joy in life. Then, in February, my relationship finally ended (well it ended before that but she finally moved out), and I began to understand what was causing me to feel so not myself, so horrifically bad. When I was in the midst of my problems, I felt the same way you describe. The suffering of the world overwhelmed me and caused me to feel it back. I saw everything as negative. I saw the world as a shitty place. As I began to emerge and rediscover myself, once the situation that was toxic in my life (the primary one) was resolved, I began to see things differently.

There was still the problem of my addiction... for 10 years I had been taking opiates every day and my brain didn't know how to feel anything but bad without them. So I took ibogaine, and it worked. Besides curing my addiction, it had a tremendous range of positive effects on my life. As you know I've taken a whole lot of psychedelics and had several peak, glorious experiences which have helped to shape my life. But ibogaine provided me something entirely more useful and different. It was powerfully transformational. I began to identify things in my lfie that were not working for me. I began to eat right, get in shape, address the inner needs that I have that I had been suppressing in favor of doing what society had told me to do. I think that so many people are so sick in the head these days because we live in a sick society that values things that are illusions, unattainable things, and which contributes through its corruption so greatly to suffering in the world. And this causes a tremendous amount of cognitive dissonance. By identifying what I really need in life, I was able to start taking steps to eliminate those situations and thought processes that were holding me back and keeping me miserable.

Now, 3 months after I took the ibogaine, I am as happy as I have ever been, in some ways, more happy than I have ever been. I see the beauty in the world now first, although I still fully admit and understand the depth of the problems our world is facing, and that still affects me greatly, but now it fills me with a sense of purpose. I am supposed to do whatever I can do help with that and put good things into the world, and help people to be free. I do credit the ibogaine largely for this transformation, or at least for giving me the help I needed to pick myself up.

Your own problems are likely different from mine, but I think what you need to do is take honest stock of your life and determine what it is in there that is bad for you. And then take steps to correct that. It can be difficult to go against what your family and upbringing have instilled in you as being important goals, but we all have to be true to ourselves, or else we will be unable to live truly fulfilled lives. I mentioned the ibogaine because I know you're a psychedelic guy and I personally found it to be entirely different and more effective in such a visceral, direct way than anything else I've ever tried. It is a powerful medicine for transformation. I am thankful every day I made it happen for myself. And as I live true to myself, I have attracted positivity to me like a magnet. Every single week has been better than the last. Great things are coming back into my life and I feel filled to the brim with love and light.

PM me if you want to talk about any of this, I'll be happy to go more in depth. Hang in there man, I wanted to die too but life always upswings. It is beautiful and amazing that we are here at all, that we are intelligent creatures who are able to ponder the fact that we can ponder, that we are able to fully experience and appreciate the entire range of human emotions. Even the experience of suffering is an experience. It's not bad, or evil, it just is, and it's a normal part of the human experience sometimes. By putting it in its place, we are able to clear our minds to make room for the wonder that life really is.

 

[thejibberman]

Currently going through this very thing and I'm only 19. Lost my job today, a lot of people I know have died this year, close to losing our family home, came down with anxiety from a small use of MDMA back in March, and my money is going super bad. I really wish I could use a fast forward button, as 2014 has been the worst year to date.

Hope things get better man!