Every day I wake up and open my eyes...

I feel a sense of hollow disappointment. I blink. I look around. Yes, it's the same room I've awaken in for the past 26 years. It's the room I used to share with my little brother but now I share it with my girlfriend.

Today I did a bag and a half of Heroin, 6mg of Klonopin (possibly more, I don't remember), 50mg of Diphenhydramine, smoked a bowl of Sour Diesel and now I am drinking whiskey mixed with limeade and seltzer water.

My friend gave me a free bag of dope the other day, with the condition that I save it. I couldn't even save that shit for a day -- I did the extra bag of dope right in front of him.

Actually on Wednesday I was supposed to shoot up for the first time. I asked my friend to shoot me up with heroin. I was going to buy a pack of clean rigs (which I did anyway, because my friend started shooting up again after years of only intranasal use) and my girlfriend went through my phone (she says because she felt like something was "off" with me) and saw me asking him to boot me up... I felt like such a fool... her parents died from the needle; am I supposed to die from the needle too? She told me she'd leave me then and there if I went through with it... so I didn't go through with my plan. I bought a 10 pack of 30g insulin syringes from Walgreens and delivered them to my friend, who took them in lieu of some of the cash I owed him for some bags. And gave me a free one. But he was like I have to save it so I won't get sick. Meanwhile he's shooting half a gram a day and telling me I have to get my use under control because I snorted 13 bags one day... and then copped a bundle... I give him free shit all the time, no strings attached, he's a fucking grown man and can decide when he wants to do his drugs. I guess the only thing is that he didn't want to hear my whining about when he was gonna cop again.

I think he's fighting with his girlfriend and taking it out on me. Shit, if I wanted to be yelled at, I'd listen to my own girlfriend.

So I did heroin...

And I felt fucking good... but it didn't last...

I freaked out and called my therapist and I think he was high because he asked me if I was high and then made some stupid joke about -- "With you, it's either Maine or Mainlining..." (As in, go to rehab in Maine or start "mainlining" my shit. My therapist is a little crazy, but so am I... I think I'm getting that thing where you fall in love with your therapist because you're insane. It's really weird. He's way older than me and is going through a divorce and has 2 children but it would just be no strings attached casual sex. I think I am attracted to it because it's so wrong and so forbidden... He had a bunch of hash but he was too anxious to smoke it so I gave him a Klonopin... is all of this wrong? I love it, because it's so fucking wrong... Would any straight man turn down a blow job?? I don't like fucking guys, but I like giving blow jobs. What kind of weirdo bisexual am I? Maybe I should ask my therapist, for the lulz...

Ugh. anyway. I need to shower. I'm going to a Suboxone clinic in the afternoon. I don't think I'll be ready for induction. I guess I can try Methadone but I don't want to go through that fucking withdrawal either. Shit. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

I'm just scared. I really want to do an inpatient detox/rehab but I have shitty insurance and I am also SCARED... so now I'm drinking whiskey and trying to catch a nod or respiratory depression. Either way is fine with me.

I am such a fool!

 

I beg my girlfriend to cane me when we have sex so I can feel some sort of absolution for all of these awful thoughts I have. I wear my bruises and my stripes with pride. But it's never enough pain...

 

Yeah hun, PLEASE stay away from the needles. You're in pretty deep as it is, starting to IV will only make matters worse.

As for your therapist, transference can be a normal part of therapy and should be talked about with your therapist so you can work through the feelings. I don't think accepting drugs from a patient is very professional though and that does concern me...

 

my advice is too stay away from the needle at all costs. Once you cross that line there really is no going back.

 

I agree with the other comments. Other than that very short rush, which IMO is highly overrated, there's not much difference, for me at least. That and risk to rewards ratio goes way up.

 

Picking up the needle is never a good idea, but especially in your case I would be glad if you decided not to.. I'm wondering what would have happened if your GF hadn't found out.. Divine intervention maybe? Try to stick to snorting please. You really don't want this.. For instance, trackmarks for your girlfriend to see? Please, please think it through! This is one of those things you should ONLY do if you have the drug under complete control.. And even then, things can go massively wrong.

Your dealer seems to (in a weird way) genuinely care about getting your use under control.. Eventhough he's using half a gram a day that doesn't mean he doesn't have his use "under control", if you can call it that. He probably has & makes enough money to support the habit and his life.
He gave you a bag so you wouldn't have to be sick.. Which is nice, right? Plus it's not because he's on a high dose that he would wish the same situation to anyone. Hell when I was "nosedeep" into speed I wouldn't give it to my best friends even if they begged. I would not be the one to introduce it into our happy stoner circle. Boy have things changed.

Btw, your therapist doesn't seem too professional.. He had a shitload of hash and you gave him klonopin? Well.. That's fine inbetween friends, but definitely not between therapists & patients..

Let us know how the sub intake talk went!

Sending some strength your way!

/e: You haven't been taking higher doses of k-pin often have you? Be careful with that stuff!

 

That was deep. I can relate to a lot of the pain caused from heroin... i hope we can both make it thru this, im trying to quit again for the thousandth time today..