Ever lose someone close from an OD or suicide?

[maggie_mayhem]

A little over 4 years ago, my best friend in the entire world died from a mix of heroin & cocaine. I don't know if she speedballed, but she loved IV' ing coke & heroin separately at least. I was with her the night before she passed away in her bedroom.

I feel guilty as fuck to this day. Why? Because I introduced her to everything. We were both so alike in personality, sarcastic w/ a hatred for ourselves in nearly every way.

It started with powder coke. It was fun & social to cut up lines with her on a mirror in her room. Hell, for my 20th birthday, she cut 20 lines for me.

Then, I got introduced to heroin. I just snorted it, so it was okay, it wasn't a needle. Well, eventually, we met other addicts who would give us gas money & a bag because we had cars to go to the spot. They used needles. After watching them do it, we wanted to also. They would inject us at first, but soon we learned ourselves.

Basically, I hate myself for it. She's dead because of me. She never got to meet my son... She was only 22. I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I deserve to feel this guilt the rest of my life. :'(

 

[Vaya]

Maggie,

I share a story eerily identical to yours. I am so thoroughly sorry for your loss.

One of my best friends, Derek, passed away on September 27th, 2009 as a result of a fatal IV mix of heroin and cocaine. He was 25 years old. I'd been with him the night (and consistently for weeks prior) before his death, and knew quite intimately the extent of his battles with depression and loneliness. It remains unclear to this day whether or not his death was accidental or an intentional overdose, but I will neverNOT be haunted by the fact that, while I was not alone in doing so, I played an integral role in introducing him to oth substances, as well as that particular ROA, and was with him when he purchased the package of needles containing the one which was to deliver the fatal shot.

I'll never ever forget finding him that day. Collapsing to my knees in utter despair and defeat; torrents of emotion violating the most inner sanctuaries of my mind, and the strange coexistent numbness that accompanied this mad sensation.

The savage truth is that death, once it has established itself beyond reversal, is one of the penultimate representations of the power of fatalistic drugs over the human mind, body and spirit. The fact that he cared little at that point whether or not he lived or died made the actuality of his death no less painful.

Since that time, I periodically take the somber remembrance of that day to strengthen the forces driving my own motivations to remain clean and sober. In this way, I believe that his death, while one of the most tragic things I ave ever had to suffer through, was not in vain. If even one person is spared the same fate as a result of someone passing on, then - arguably - there is at least a minimal amount of acceptance and consolation to be found in the seismic ripple following that individual's death.

These were NOT easy, nor quick, revelations that came quickly to me. It was a year and a half before I could hear his name mentioned without just Losing it.
You're in my thoughts; I pray that your friend's untimely passing might encourage others in the same boat to effect drastic lifestyle changes that may, in fact, ultimately spare their lives, too.

You have a community of support here; we are glad to help, and I am grateful to you not only for having the courage to share your story, but insodoing, reminding me of my own past and the many lessons that I was fortunate to take rom it that have undoubtedly contributed to the preservation of my life, as well as many others.

However, to remain in the present - You have my Utmost and heartfelt sympathies.
Stay strong; remain vigilant; keep talking about it.


~ Vaya

 

[xstayfadedx]

I would tell you not to feel guilty but I know that's easier said than done. However its not your fault. Everyone makes their own choices and your friend decided to try the drugs... Yes it was your choice whether or not you introduced it or not but it was also her choice to go through with it. Sadly things didn't end well and I'm so sorry you went through that loss because I know it must have and still is very hard.

My boyfriend and best friend of five years died last april (a little over a year ago) from an heroin overdose but we all believe it may have been a suicide. He was really depressed and wanted to get clean but never could. The worst thing is all I could be was there for him but near the end we got in a big fight and didn't talk. I ended up calling him one day to apologize but his cell was disconnected.... So I went on his facebook and saw rest in peace. I thought it was a joke but his mom called me like soon after to tell me what happened.... Its been so hard for me and I felt so guilty for fighting with him and not being there towards the end. However I realized there was nothing I could of probably done to change things and once he started using I had tried non-stop to do so. That was a few years. He did manage to get clean and he was going to join the army but he didn't.... Why? Because of me. He didn't want to leave me and I had felt so guilty. He was going to go to start over and stay away from of the crowd of "friends" he was involved with. Well he never did go and he went back to the same group of people and relapsed after like a year of being clean.

It did take awhile for me to realize it wasn't my fault. There was only so much I could do and I could never make his choices for him. It was his life and he chose his own path. I do miss him so much and things have been difficult but luckily its been getting easier. Yes, I still cry every now and then but its not as bad. I'm just glad he's not in pain anymore.

I just hope the loss of everyone allows us to get our shit together and what not. I don't want his death to be in vain.... I feel guilty only now because I started using heroin last year (always had an opiate problem though) and I know its wrong of me. How can I cry all these tears for him and wish for him to back but never once do I think that could be me.

 

[spork]

This is NOT your fault. You may have introduced her to drugs but you are not the cause of her death. SHE decided to go down the path that she went down and decided to do those drugs that night. Have you talked to a professional at all since your friend died? I think it would be very beneficial for you to do so if you haven't already.

My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is to lose a friend this way.

 

[Vaya]

Have you talked to a professional at all since your friend died? I think it would be very beneficial for you to do so if you haven't already.

This is very excellent advice, and helped me during that time when I could not understand for myself (due to cognitive clouding by emotions) that the perspective of a third-party outsider, most especially one whose eyes I could look into as I told my story, helped to illuminate some of the fears I encountered that initially prevented me from ever coming to terms with the reality of the situation, and also of the fact that my friend's death was a result of actions taken of his own accord, regardless f where he may have learnt the know-how to carry them out.

It took me quite some time to accept the fact that I, myself, did not depress the plunger for him.
And neither did you for your friend.
For me, some level of guilt was, and remains, the Natural response, given the severity of the outcome. But feeling guilty to the level that it cripples you and, in your mind, essentially equates you to a murderer is not rational thinking. It's understandable that those thoughts have surfaced in your mind, but to prevent this tragedy from dovetailing, I agree with spork that discussing the matter face-to-face would be in your best interest at this point.

He very bet of luck to you, once more. By now, it should be clear that you are not alone!

~ Vaya

 

[Libby]

Yes, both, and twice.
You always feel like it's somehow your fault, but remind yourself it's not.
I forget them now, mostly I forget so much, is that good or bad? Don't really wanna know.