Recovery Ever feel like the drugs are calling out to you?

[JessFR]

Sigh, so maybe this thread would make more sense as a blog post, cause it's probably more for the sake of my own sanity that I'm writing it.

Anyone here ever feel like their old life is sort of, calling out to you? For lack of a better word.

It's a sense I've had for a very long time and it comes and goes in severity. It's not simply cravings. Because it's not just feeling attracted to the drugs, but the whole ritual. Being around other addicts, getting the drugs, mixing up shooting, sitting around enjoying the high. Rinse repeat.

I've heard it sometimes described by some people that it was like heroin found them rather than that they found heroin. And I can heavily related to that.

It's so fucking stupid. My heroin habit totally destroyed my life. Yes there were good times, but there were a LOT of bad times. It seems idiotic to me that I'd want to go back to it. And it's not like I'm under any delusions that I can use heroin and not wind up in exactly the same situation that was so intolerable that I finally quit.

But I can't help it. I can't lie about it. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I miss the drug, I miss the ritual. I don't miss being sick nearly every day. I don't miss having my loved ones yell at me and be so disappointed in me. But it's like my brain amplifies the good parts and suppresses the bad parts to try and encourage me to go back to using.

I don't think I'm at risk of relapsing imminently. But after 2 years feeling like this to greater and lesser extents. It makes me feel very much like relapse is an inevitability. That I won't make it in the long run.

Anyone able to relate?

 

[PtahTek]

Anyone here ever feel like their old life is sort of, calling out to you? For lack of a better word.

Yes.
And I respond to the calling at times... but only on my terms.
Seems this is the only way I can keep a grip on life demands.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Yes, I have been troubled at time by an underlying feeling that my relationship with certain substances was not through. I have also suffered from a kind of need to experience deviancy in some form, like after a certain amount of time of being healthy and positive I feel a need to experience the 'excitement' of a life of addiction.

I gave in to that recently and found out pretty quickly the reality I already knew, that actually that 'excitement' consists of me being alone, mentally ill and desperate.

So yeah, if I understand you correctly I sympathise on a pretty deep level.

 

[Hal_1ncandenza]

Sometimes I hear that little bag of coke saying "c'mon man, your night could be 20-40% more fun"

Sometimes I do a few lines of ketamine, feel mildly drunk and a couple dozen iq points lower, and I hear a faint whisper that says "grow the fuck up"

 

[SlowandFastandSlow]

All the time, stims especially

 

[MJ420]

I think of and miss it a lot, even though it did more harm. I miss getting high with some of my friends i can't see anymore before they use. I miss the good times a lot and for the hell of getting off them i don't understand why.
Yes we had fun but i lost my job of 15 years, ruined family relationships. I'm in a better place now but i get lonely because of cutting off dope friends and sometimes wish i could go back.
I hope one day I stop thinking about it and somewhat miss some of it

 

[geekgrl]

I

Yes, I have been troubled at time by an underlying feeling that my relationship with certain substances was not through. I have also suffered from a kind of need to experience deviancy in some form, like after a certain amount of time of being healthy and positive I feel a need to experience the 'excitement' of a life of addiction.

I gave in to that recently and found out pretty quickly the reality I already knew, that actually that 'excitement' consists of me being alone, mentally ill and desperate.

So yeah, if I understand you correctly I sympathise on a pretty deep level.

Exactly the same. It's the excitement I crave. That craving for excitement is more dangerous than the drugs for me. It leads me to make stupid decisions and fuck things up. I started feeling the call of excitement again now I'm trying to clean up. I feel the need for excitement and drugs have been answer to that all my adult life.

 

[geekgrl]

Sigh, so maybe this thread would make more sense as a blog post, cause it's probably more for the sake of my own sanity that I'm writing it.

Anyone here ever feel like their old life is sort of, calling out to you? For lack of a better word.

It's a sense I've had for a very long time and it comes and goes in severity. It's not simply cravings. Because it's not just feeling attracted to the drugs, but the whole ritual. Being around other addicts, getting the drugs, mixing up shooting, sitting around enjoying the high. Rinse repeat.

I've heard it sometimes described by some people that it was like heroin found them rather than that they found heroin. And I can heavily related to that.

It's so fucking stupid. My heroin habit totally destroyed my life. Yes there were good times, but there were a LOT of bad times. It seems idiotic to me that I'd want to go back to it. And it's not like I'm under any delusions that I can use heroin and not wind up in exactly the same situation that was so intolerable that I finally quit.

But I can't help it. I can't lie about it. I miss it. I miss it a lot. I miss the drug, I miss the ritual. I don't miss being sick nearly every day. I don't miss having my loved ones yell at me and be so disappointed in me. But it's like my brain amplifies the good parts and suppresses the bad parts to try and encourage me to go back to using.

I don't think I'm at risk of relapsing imminently. But after 2 years feeling like this to greater and lesser extents. It makes me feel very much like relapse is an inevitability. That I won't make it in the long run.

Anyone able to relate?

Having done a lot of therapy it's probably exactly that. Your mind remembering the good parts and not the bad. I remember being told thay writing things down (I.e. Pros and cons) helps but also that concentrating on the good reasons to stop rather than use tricks your brain. I'm currently on a course about depression and one of the tricks I was told was to go to bed remembering 3 good you things you have done today will make you wake up happier. Perhaps going to bed thinking of the 3 good things you did by not using might be beneficial.... This is very much me thinking out loud. I am struggling only a week down the line so I am trying to prepare myself for the long haul. I miss the drug and the ritual and even reading about IV made my little heart get excited.... If i find anything else beneficial I will certainly post about it. But the brain is good at remembering with tinted spectacles, even without drugs. Memory is a weird flexible thing