Ever ask yourself what the F is wrong with me?

[juliemoonshine]

life is too short to be dazed on opiates for the rest of our lives. besides, opiates makes it a mathematical certainty for us to feel no pain. have you heard of the disease where they can't feel any physical (im not sure about mental) pain... the morality rate is like 98%. we need pain in our lives. we can't be on happy clouds all day every day for all of our lives.

i wish i could too. i wish i could live without chemical dependency and deal with the emotional consequences due to these dependencies. but it just isn't possible. yesterday, i took some naltrexone on purpose so i can't take any opiates. half the time, i curse myself for taking them; half the time, i am relieved that i don't have to reach for the box i put all my meds in and peer down at the bottle to see how much i have left. i don't know. it is a disease that i think requires a conscious decision at every moment to choose that life that you do want.

 

[Missykins]

you need to get to an na meeting and get some sober people in your life who want to see you get/BE clean.

Exactly. You cannot quit on your own. You can take all the suboxone, methadone, naltrexone, etc. that you want but you need people around you who get it. Don't misunderstand me, those drugs are extremely helpful, but much less so when used in a vacuum.

 

[lozgod]

Exactly. You cannot quit on your own. You can take all the suboxone, methadone, naltrexone, etc. that you want but you need people around you who get it. Don't misunderstand me, those drugs are extremely helpful, but much less so when used in a vacuum.

I understand and agree 100%. I am not part of the anti-NA sentiment on here. I know it works from experience and 2 years clean off of coke.

Walking through those doors is a big step and it means I am serious. I think about doing it everyday.

 

[calmAnimal]

your a drug addict.

you dont want to get high, you know what happens, its hell. then just like that, you pick it up. for me i litterally heard the drugs calling me and i had to obey them. its insanity but thats just the way it is.

you have to do something different. i attend NA and i now have almost 4 months clean. give it a try, how could it hurt? listen to what is being said and ask for help.

also know that if you do go to a meeting, that you are the MOST important person in that room.

 

[Missykins]

I understand and agree 100%. I am not part of the anti-NA sentiment on here. I know it works from experience and 2 years clean off of coke.

Walking through those doors is a big step and it means I am serious. I think about doing it everyday.

Great, then you've done it before. You managed to have a significant amount of time clean. Ask yourself what worked for you then, and repeat it.

Also, what do you think went wrong? What was on your mind when you picked up after two years clean? Was there some particular event in your life? Did you stop going to meetings? Were you hanging out with people who used? Did you think that you could do it just once, that things were different now and you could control it?

 

[rangrz]

I ask, but I come up blank....I'm fucking epic.

 

[bagochina]

Ever ask yourself what the F is wrong with me?

Pretty much every day I ask that question. I have came to the conclusion that I really dont care. I am who I am.

peace.
seedless

 

[desaparecidos]

c'mon man...you're killing my buzz

 

[MissBehavin'_416]

Challenge yourself to see how long you can make it without using at all. I think that's the best way to go. If you make it a long while, you bet you'll notice the money and possibly the old lifestyle coming back. Do some spiritual cleansing. You might find that it helped you lots.

good luck!

 

[mymindisgoo]

Yes I agree 1000% opiate addiction is a disease but I think there is an underlying disease premeditating that disease.

just because you have on disease doesn't mean you have an addiction disease. i know people with diabetes, bipolar, etc and just because they have those conditions doesn't mean they are addicts.

i have been to over 5 therapists (probably more), since was 12 to now (19). i have never been diagnosed with another mental health issue (slight depression, but most drug addicts, probably). i also do not have any other diseases. however, i do have lots of family issues.

 

[Lady Codone]

I think the first step is to ask yourself why you use opiates at all. What is your intention? What do opiates provide that are otherwise missing from your life? What prompted you to try them in the first place, and why do you want to quit so badly now as opposed to earlier in your addiction? Are you the kind of addict who uses to escape reality? A sensation seeker? A self-medicator? These questions can help you get to the root of the problem, which is vital for finding a solution that works for you. Despite the claims of AA, NA and other treatment monopolies, addiction treatment is not a one-size fits all science. What works for one person can be useless or even destructive for another.

Once you sort that out, try to identify your triggers--the people, places and thoughts that cause you to relapse. Look back on past periods of sobriety and determine what caused the relapses in each of those individual cases. Are there steps you can take to avoid those triggers or deal with them constructively without using?

While a lot of this self-evaluation can be done on your own, you might find it helpful to work through your issues with a mental health professional or addiction specialist. You have to be willing to go to any length and try all treatments with an open mind to find the one thing that works.

Best of luck to you.

 

[lozgod]

just because you have on disease doesn't mean you have an addiction disease. i know people with diabetes, bipolar, etc and just because they have those conditions doesn't mean they are addicts.

i have been to over 5 therapists (probably more), since was 12 to now (19). i have never been diagnosed with another mental health issue (slight depression, but most drug addicts, probably). i also do not have any other diseases. however, i do have lots of family issues.

Right, not all people physically addicted to drugs have the disease of addiction. The disease of addiction is physical, mental, and spiritual. It is physical (the using withdrawal, etc), mental (the obsession and compulsion to use), and spiritual (total self-centeredness and a void spiritually). Some people are just addicted to a drug, when they don't have it they go through a withdrawal. That's not the disease of addiction.

 

[silvercrimson]

you like to get high. plain and simple. however you know whats going on and what you have to do. yeah so you had the mercedes and the townhouse. you can always get that shit back if you really WANT to, and if you do, you can always get a better mercedes, and a better townhouse. i know eaiser said then done. i always ask myself the same thing to everyday. i dont do the opiates but i do the ice,i know that if i didint pick up the needle, yeah im sure life would have been different. sad but true like most of us we like getting fucking high. its a disgusting vicious cycle we love to hate. were pretty lucky actually, because were not fried! i dont think theres anything wrong with you. you can always have it all again and then some, if you really WANT to.

 

[mymindisgoo]

Right, not all people physically addicted to drugs have the disease of addiction. The disease of addiction is physical, mental, and spiritual. It is physical (the using withdrawal, etc), mental (the obsession and compulsion to use), and spiritual (total self-centeredness and a void spiritually). Some people are just addicted to a drug, when they don't have it they go through a withdrawal. That's not the disease of addiction.

i've been an addict my whole life, 14 years before i started using. i can remember in elementary school things that are addictive behaviors. drug using is just a symptom of the disease.

 

[lozgod]

i've been an addict my whole life, 14 years before i started using. i can remember in elementary school things that are addictive behaviors. drug using is just a symptom of the disease.

That's exactly the point I was trying to make. It was there before the drugs. It's there without the drugs during peroids of abstinence.

 

[harrisl84201]

poly drug user thoughts

Ah man tell me about it, I think we all know the story.

You REALLY NEED to understand however that there is no room for shame and guilt when it comes to opiate addiction. Don't you understand you have a medical illness? AT LEAST untill you are clean for a year or 2 and your brain starts to stabilize. But even with a month clean your brain is still going to find ways to make you want to use. Normal people don't take these risks because they don't suffer the same consequences we do when we DON'T take those risks.

I'm basically in the same exact position myself. Keep bouncing back and forth between binging and tapering down low so I can jump off. At least you're able to muster a few days clean however. Its been a couple months since I was able to actually stop for a bit.

Its tough man because I really don't think addicts use because their lives suck. I think we actually make our lives suck so we have an excuse to use. Even last time when I got a year clean I didn't really change any aspect of my life to make myself like it more. I never got back in the gym, I never changed my diet, I never stopped smoking, I never found a job I actually liked, I never started going out again and socializing. Its like I was just waiting to use again, I never put the foot forward and demanded to take my life back.

Its hard because when you're not presently slamming into rock bottom everyday, theres no real urge to wanna stop completely. Sure your life may suck, buts its not really enough. I'm not sure what it takes, but I think you really need to change the way you look at life rather extremely.
I remember my brother asked me once why I always wind up going back to drugs and I told him "cause my life off drugs sucks far too badly, I feel like a nobody when I'm off them". He told me straight up "its not your life that sucks, its the way you think about your life that sucks". Basically explaining that during his worst times in life he was always reassuring himself that things would work out, even if he couldn't be positive that they would. Is it a realistic way of looking at life? No. My professor was telling me today that the majority of depressed people actually have a more realistic view of life than happy people. Its like you can either be madly sane in this world or foolishly happy, almost like theres no inbetween. I look at my life and tell myself "theres no fucking way I'll ever convince myself its good", I feel sane, but I'm mad that I can't fool myself into being happy.

Life is truely one fucked up thing bro, I have no idea what needs to change to not wanna go back to drugs. But my plan is to try focusing on nothing else but being clean for a year or 2. Cause the further way you get from drugs the less and less they influence that way you think. Last time although I relapsed after a year I wasn't really thinking about using or obsessing about getting high. I just kind of went back out of boredom. I need to get a few years under my belt and I think if I can get enough sobriety, at a certain point I'm just gonna forget why I wanted to use in the first place. Almost like actions need to come first and thoughts later... I have no idea really.

*** i absolutely agree with this. i have been a poly drug user for 8 years. i have dealt with a drug addiction to opiates but i have always searched for the highs in drugs, and really life in general. i dont use because im stressed or have any problems but instead to enhance any current day just well i dont know why just because. for example, at work and school i want amp and meth when im home and relaxing i like weed at the bar i like to drink and i love opiates for anything.. however i will do whatever at anytime as long as i can function on the drug and do not have any responsibilities that will get in the way for that time period. hence i do not drink at work but use amp instead because i am a professional or opiates and red bull (3rd shift) no drugs actually alter my life decisions. i still pay my bills and clean my house and go shopping and will actually work harder so that when bills are paid i can go get something, whatever available. if i dont have money i dont use. if things are more important then i can make myself chose the right decision. i have learned how to overcome my brain tricks. i turn my thoughts around. if i want something and cant get it i just say well damn that would be great to have something now but i just cant do it there was a time i had a physical addiction and that was the worst but i believe i stopped thinking about what i was doing and now use different things randomly. because see i can also have life sober too. i dont need anything to function. i believe if im not physically withdrawling or having serious anxiety from roxy withrawl..im good. i was clean for awhile i have spent months here and there without anything. i always go back. and not for any particular reason. the times i quit usually cause of drug tests for a job or school.and everytime i use i know i will have whatever withdrawl comes along with it and it never stops me. i know im kiling myself. im in the medical field. i know the affects of meth and smoking ciggs and abuse of opiates or alcohol i know the idea of addiction as a disease i have lost loved ones too overdosing but...i believe im very strong minded i really study and research so much and have just found this website and love... but even on my happiest times in my life when i had everything i wanted i still would like to use a drug to make it better. and when doctors say that you see a trigger a light bulb goes off in your head, yes thats true too but im saying can you control the desire to go to the light, if needed?, and i believe i was born with this light bulb correlation to drugs but thats what your brain does it likes to be stimulated. i desire to read an amazing book just as much as a drug. i didnt lose my love of life and other hobbies. i still read and watch tv and shop and draw things and go out and see people i know. i also have friends that are not on drugs. i like to add and combine to make the best experience possible. i mean you only live once and it could be the fear of not getting the most out of it that drives me? maybe just the hunger for another level? to life enhancement? mood enhancement? ..........i believe that everything is usually ok in moderation. i just dont know if that means if its OK, can i roll a bowl every couple of weeks or snort a roxy occasionally..? i think the users try to justify who they are. and maybe this is who we are supposed to be? some people love football. love it. would rather incorporate watching a football game of there favorite team with every thing they do...well you know what my brain tells me i would like to go shopping on a few perks, then smoke a blunt and go to dinner with friends, go out dancing have a few drinks and laughs. maybe meet some people. at the end of the day. something made me this way and you this way... its the same as prefering chocolate to vanilla. high or sober? if not.....i have no idea either.