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Ever ask yourself what the F is wrong with me?

lozgod

lozgod

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2010
Messages
715
I just won't fucking stop. I am at the point where withdrawal ain't that bad. It's just diarehha and cravings and I relapsed. Maybe I am just a fucking junkie loser. I won't stop using. I had 4 days clean and knowing I am getting my unemployment check tomorrow I took my TV to the pawn shop to get a loan to get some roxi's.

I was fine. Someone called me looking to see if I can find them something. I am "that guy", I can get anything. So I am the one everyone calls. I was hurting but not that bad. I could handle it. Cell phone and internet bill is due or it gets cut off in a few hours. Getting hi comes first.

I've isolated myself so much no one calls me anymore to say hi. I remember having too many friends to juggle. A fat savings account, a mercedes, townhouse, great job. Threw it all away for the needle. Got clean, started getting it all back, started using again. Just got clean again. Wasn't uniterrupted clean time but it's to the point I can wake up and not be throwing my guts up. I just feel a little off and got the runs. No RLS, no lack of sleep. I'm so close to being clean but come decision time when I got a few dollars I CHOOSE to get hi.

What the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't what I pictured life to be.
 
Yeah, I had just about a week worth of clean time, and then today I deicded to get 10 roxy 30's. I slammed 4 of em'. Think I am going to do one tomorrow when I go to apply for a job at a few places, and then save the last 5 while I try to get another week of clean time under my belt. My main guy is going out of town on a job for a week so either way I will clean of any appreciable amount of opiates for a week till' he gets back.

Hey lozgod, it ain't all that bad, is it? I mean if you aren't going to stop, then you aren't gonna stop. Maybe just start adding in like 2-3 days between each use and you won't worry about withdrawals as much. I mean yeah you are in a bad mood now, but just hang in there and try to get yer life back on track!
 
It just gets harder and harder more times you go back down the bunny hole. Try to space it far and few between - that being said, I've asked that question hundreds of times.
 
Ah man tell me about it, I think we all know the story.

You REALLY NEED to understand however that there is no room for shame and guilt when it comes to opiate addiction. Don't you understand you have a medical illness? AT LEAST untill you are clean for a year or 2 and your brain starts to stabilize. But even with a month clean your brain is still going to find ways to make you want to use. Normal people don't take these risks because they don't suffer the same consequences we do when we DON'T take those risks.

I'm basically in the same exact position myself. Keep bouncing back and forth between binging and tapering down low so I can jump off. At least you're able to muster a few days clean however. Its been a couple months since I was able to actually stop for a bit.

Its tough man because I really don't think addicts use because their lives suck. I think we actually make our lives suck so we have an excuse to use. Even last time when I got a year clean I didn't really change any aspect of my life to make myself like it more. I never got back in the gym, I never changed my diet, I never stopped smoking, I never found a job I actually liked, I never started going out again and socializing. Its like I was just waiting to use again, I never put the foot forward and demanded to take my life back.

Its hard because when you're not presently slamming into rock bottom everyday, theres no real urge to wanna stop completely. Sure your life may suck, buts its not really enough. I'm not sure what it takes, but I think you really need to change the way you look at life rather extremely.
I remember my brother asked me once why I always wind up going back to drugs and I told him "cause my life off drugs sucks far too badly, I feel like a nobody when I'm off them". He told me straight up "its not your life that sucks, its the way you think about your life that sucks". Basically explaining that during his worst times in life he was always reassuring himself that things would work out, even if he couldn't be positive that they would. Is it a realistic way of looking at life? No. My professor was telling me today that the majority of depressed people actually have a more realistic view of life than happy people. Its like you can either be madly sane in this world or foolishly happy, almost like theres no inbetween. I look at my life and tell myself "theres no fucking way I'll ever convince myself its good", I feel sane, but I'm mad that I can't fool myself into being happy.

Life is truely one fucked up thing bro, I have no idea what needs to change to not wanna go back to drugs. But my plan is to try focusing on nothing else but being clean for a year or 2. Cause the further way you get from drugs the less and less they influence that way you think. Last time although I relapsed after a year I wasn't really thinking about using or obsessing about getting high. I just kind of went back out of boredom. I need to get a few years under my belt and I think if I can get enough sobriety, at a certain point I'm just gonna forget why I wanted to use in the first place. Almost like actions need to come first and thoughts later... I have no idea really.
 
Right now I feel good. Being hi feels good. I'm arguing politics like a master, I got a good outlook and sense of well being. I was down on myself for using till the hi kicked in. I don't use opiates to be in a daze. They sharpen me, make me sociable, they put something there that is missing.

All my life I was kind of an introvert. I always had friends and was the life of the party but I did it by being a person of few words if that makes sense.

Now I change the question a bit. WTF is wrong with me that I need opiates to be like everyone else? Why can't I be like this without drugs. I didn't try then continue using them because they felt bad. They felt good, they improved my performance in sales as a profession.

Yes I agree 1000% opiate addiction is a disease but I think there is an underlying disease premeditating that disease.
 
lozgod said:
Right now I feel good. Being hi feels good. I'm arguing politics like a master, I got a good outlook and sense of well being. I was down on myself for using till the hi kicked in. I don't use opiates to be in a daze. They sharpen me, make me sociable, they put something there that is missing.

All my life I was kind of an introvert. I always had friends and was the life of the party but I did it by being a person of few words if that makes sense.

Now I change the question a bit. WTF is wrong with me that I need opiates to be like everyone else? Why can't I be like this without drugs. I didn't try then continue using them because they felt bad. They felt good, they improved my performance in sales as a profession.

Yes I agree 1000% opiate addiction is a disease but I think there is an underlying disease premeditating that disease.
Click to expand...

perfectly put. I think it's no shock that vast majority of people I've talked to have had one type of mental health issue in general when it comes up. Always with addiction , in every group i've been too , always some sort of mental health problem correlating.

Not sure if it applies to everyone , but I'll be damned if I know anyone who doesn't struggle with some sort of problem that can be diagnosed AS WELL as their addiction !
 
Problem is I tried SSRIs and the such and they never worked. Only opiates made me feel normal. Problem is they come with a price. My tolerance is extremely high and when I have none, on comes withdrawal. I think newer age anti-depresion needs to focus on endorphins and dopamine not seratonin.
 
Wellbutrin is a dopamine re-uptake inhibitor, works totally different than other AD's. Makes me feel a little manic sometimes too which I enjoy as I'm usually all about depression.
 
Wow, so many things in here that I can relate with, so many...
"I've isolated myself so much no one calls me anymore to say hi. I remember having too many friends to juggle. A fat savings account, a mercedes, townhouse, great job."
I can relate to this almost 100%, the only thing you'd change is the town house and car, I did lose a lot of things, but not a mercedes or anything. I did lose a car(s) though, all my friends, all my money, etc etc etc.

The only piece of advice I'll give you is this; you need to find something that you want more than drugs. For me, that is the bottom line. So long as you dont have anything in your life that you desire more than heroin, you will be a junkie.
I know that sounds very "DUHHHHHHHHhhHHHH OBVIOUSLY I TOLD YOU SO" etc
but its true.

Of course the above statement is a simplified version. Beating an addiction is never as simple as a few sentences.

But yes, to answer your question, do I ever ask myself, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Not so much these days, but a couple years back when I was the textbook definition of a junkie, I found myself asking that question all the time.
 
you need to get to an na meeting and get some sober people in your life who want to see you get/BE clean.
 
lozgod said:
Problem is I tried SSRIs and the such and they never worked. Only opiates made me feel normal. Problem is they come with a price. My tolerance is extremely high and when I have none, on comes withdrawal. I think newer age anti-depresion needs to focus on endorphins and dopamine not seratonin.
Click to expand...

There are a number of reasons SSRIs may not have worked and one of the most common is that the patient is wrongly diagnosed from the outset.

It would be worth your while to get a proper psych assessment from a qualified mental health professional and there's no reason to hide your drug use from them (it will affect treatment options so they need to know about it).

You've found the drive to start over once, you can find it again - but you might want to change your phone number so that you're no longer "that guy" if helping someone else get on triggers you. Remember that those people aren't "friends" - you're just a means to an end for them and they're not out to look after your interests.

You need to meet people who support you being clean and you do that by being clean and living the lifestyle of someone who's clean. While you're still "that guy", you still have one foot in that lifestyle and your cohorts are those who live the life you're trying to leave behind.

And dude, you're in sales - it's impossible not to meet new people in that field. You couldn't be in a better profession for finding new friends.
 
The title of this thread drew me to it, read OP's post flicked thru....
just wanted to say that its a question im constantly asking myself, i do some pretty irrisposnsible shit, surprised to still be alive in fact can relate to op but on a differnt way with a similar drug. I cant really offer any advice as im not in the position to. just wanted to post an say well yer OP ur not alone hey:\
 
Yes, I ask myself this constantly, I was asking myself this very question before I saw this thread because I'm sitting here watching some stupid TV show and I won't change it because the remote is out of arms length and that's just too much trouble...

I've been sticking to subs and my other prescribed meds but I really need to get off of them because they're too fucking expensive and I'm sick of dealing with the pharmacy and all the little hoops they make you jump through to get your meds. The upside is that I haven't touched any other opiates for awhile but I'm actually high right now because I didn't take any sub for a day and a half and took 4mgs just now and I'm too lazy to move.

Opiates make me feel normal too, I don't know if there is some chemical element that predisposes us to addiction but it seems that way to me.

I have no right to complain, I've been much worse.

I don't have any answers, just wanted to say that I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me all the time and I'm sure many non drug users do too.
 
unsettled said:
Yes, I ask myself this constantly, I was asking myself this very question before I saw this thread because I'm sitting here watching some stupid TV show and I won't change it because the remote is out of arms length and that's just too much trouble...

I've been sticking to subs and my other prescribed meds but I really need to get off of them because they're too fucking expensive and I'm sick of dealing with the pharmacy and all the little hoops they make you jump through to get your meds. The upside is that I haven't touched any other opiates for awhile but I'm actually high right now because I didn't take any sub for a day and a half and took 4mgs just now and I'm too lazy to move.

Opiates make me feel normal too, I don't know if there is some chemical element that predisposes us to addiction but it seems that way to me.

I have no right to complain, I've been much worse.

I don't have any answers, just wanted to say that I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me all the time and I'm sure many non drug users do too.
Click to expand...

LDN, low dose naltrexone may be an answer from what I've researched online. Problem is you need to be 2 weeks clean to attempt it or you are asking for trouble. Low doses like 2-5mgs timed right are supposed to naturally boost endorphins. I want to try it so bad but the problem is making it 2 weeks. Wish I would of knew about it when I got clean the first time for 4 months.
 
lost soul said:
Every day
But I dont think I can keep asking myself much longer.
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me to which is why i finaly made that call a week ago and am waiting for the call back its hell waiting ,and i tried to cut down but then ten minutes to an hour later im pickin up the pill bottle shakin it to see how much is left and taking ten more.
So um ya i think everyone goes threw what yer going threw at times.
And also yes to the rehab if ya realy wanna quit it worked for me wayyyyy back when i was 21.stayed clean for 4 months not even an aspirin,oh how i regret starting up again,only to find myself 43 now and wanting to quit once again..
 
You're not a junkie loser, man. The only way you're going to beat this is if you constantly remind yourself that you're worth getting clean, that your life has purpose, and that ultimately you're going to be okay. There's nothing wrong with you as a person.. you have an addiction, a disease. It doesn't make you bad. It just means you're sick and you gotta get well. None of us become addicts because we want to. You'll make it, you just gotta believe you can! :)
 
lozgod, i completely FEEL your pain. i think of my addictions as water levels. i push one down and the others go up, or i suppress all of them to discover an entirely new one. so far, it has been alcohol, opiates, stimulants, benzodiazepines, marijuana, food/no food, cutting, stealing, relationships, etc... i'm trying my best to replace them with healthier (or at least less harmful) to my mental and physical well-being.

i feel like i need them to be 'normal', along with my depression and bipolar medications. i take them to function, to survive -- rather than getting high, having fun, etc. engaging myself in these self-destructive behaviors make me loathe my self more, decrease my self esteem (if that is even possible at this point), etc. that makes me want to numb the pain with more chemicals and the cycle continues on...

right now, i'm at the point where i'm trying to accept the fact that this will all take time - just like i didn't learn how to be an addict in one sitting. i'm not an introvert like you, but the more experiences you accumulate not being an introvert (without being under the influence of any chemical), the stronger you will feel and start to believe that you CAN be a 'normal' person and that people will care for you and love you without the drugs. if friends aren't calling you bc you are getting clean, don't take it personally because it could be bc they (if they use) are in denial of their own addiction problems and don't want to deal with them vicariously through you, or they want to help not be a bad influence on you, or they have become shells of a human being with near-empty souls that cannot help themselves or you (so ultimately, these relationships would be doomed to fail unless you continue to use with them.

and also, it really comes down to what you believe, what you believe to be true. wtf is wrong with me is really why do i believe something is wrong with me. The more we use, the more we identify ourselves with the 'high' person.

I’m getting a bit tired and laggy from the xanax i just took, so I will just stop my blabbering here. PM me if you want to talk in specifics. Always will welcome discussions with you or anyone on this thread.
 
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