Eugh.

[7ca5p]

I dont understand whats going on here. Im relativley happy in life, and have a lot going for me. Before I start, i'd like to say that I am not a heavy drug user, being able to count all my drug uses in my whole life easily. (20 Nos cans at 16, Two nights of weed this year, and two hits of methylone in case your interested.) So this is not a drug related problem.

But every night when I go to sleep, I hope that I never wake up.

Ive had a turbulant past, not one horrible event so to speak, but just consistant fuck ups. For example, shizophrenic family members, mental illness in myself when I was younger, and now three months ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

But I see no reason why this should make me unhappy. I should be thankfull to the universe for giving me such a favourable standard of living. I am otherwise a healthy teenager (17), with a life that many people would envy.

Well to be honest...they can have it.

The metaphor that sums my feelings up the best is that; My life is a rented movie, and Ive watched the begining and ive decided I dont want to watch anymore, and am ready to take it back to the shop. Problem is, Im too scared to take it back myself, and am just waiting for the shop to call me up and ask for it back. I suppose ill just have to wait until then.

Its really a strange feeling. Ive been seriously down in the past (several suicide attempts) but not felt this desperate to die. Im happy, calm and relaxed in 2010, but at the same time, bored, tired, and lathargic.

Any thoughts?

Im done watching this movie.

 

[versd]

sorry to hear of your troubles.

how is your health? are you undergoing treatment for your tumor? and what is the prognosis?

depression is a very tricky thing to put your finger on, sometimes there are no obvious causes, nothing to pin those feelings on. its all very real though and you shouldnt feel guilty that you feel like ending your life without reasonable cause.

well done on taking the first step and bringing it all out into the open. there are a lot of people floating around out there with no heading, bored with their daily lives, but they do not think of ending it. do you have a healthy social life? What are your plans for the future since you are so young? Career? Travel?

 

[RainbowWarrior]

sorry to hear you have a tumor... surely not any easy thing to deal with...

apart from this, i'm happy to tell you that what you are feeling is quite normal at your age (you are still experiencing late/post puberty, even though you might think you already are through it) and this perspective really can change a lot in the process of growing up...

to stay with your analogy of a movie, yeah you might think you know how it's going to end and that it's not worth the trouble of seeing it - especially when it is an amarican b-movie type of beginning, but life really has to offer you a whole lot more and the best day for you will be the day that you realise, that there is one huge difference between a movie and your life: you are the author/director/actor of your movie, your movie will just be what you make of it!

when i was in a similar stage in my development, what really helped me a lot were experiences with psychedelic drugs... though i would never advice anyone to do any drug, i think mentioning psychedelics to someone obviuosly searching / missing something is ok...

i wish you all the best for your future and that your movie turns out to be your favourite one of all times

 

[RainbowWarrior]

p.s. another important reason to keep watching the movie: tits! wonderfully shaped, incredibly hot tits! lots of them!

sorry :D sometimes the little boy inside me just has to, you know...

 

[7ca5p]

Thank you both for the replies. Its strange how I get more comfort from talking to you guys than my closest friends or even family members.

My health seems to be okay, the doctors ran some tests and were suprised that I dont have any symptoms. For that reason they seem to be against operating just yet, as they dont want to cause more problems than there already are. In case you know your medical stuff, its a trigimenal nuroma, so is most likley benign.

Social Life is average really, I have few close friends then about a hundred aquantances that I dont really care about.

And this is my problem, No ones horrible to me, I have no symptoms for my condition, my family dosnt have any obvious wealth issues, I have a part time job, and am studying at a college.

So theoretically, I should be in love with life. I feel almost guilty posting that infomation in this forum as I know that many people in "the dark side" have horrible horrible conditions for living and their lifes are ridden with pain and suffering...yet they muster up the strength to carry on living. I have much love and respect for these people.

Meanwhile, I cant help thinking thoughts like; "I hope my tumour is a really serious cancer" or "I hope I slip on the side on the train station platform at the end of college today."

As for plans in life? Well, I have absolutley no idea. Im struggling to have any interest in my A levels, (biology specifically) and everything just seems so mundane. I doubt Ill get into university, becuase I simply hate doing the work. Makes me feel even worse.

And another thing, I used to have a great sense of humour and used to love making people smile...nowadays, that spark has gone, and it feels like Im gradually turning more dull by the day.


And yeah RW, I realise that some of the best movies Ive seen have had really terrible starts, (The Usual Suspects for exampe ) But I dunno, it dosnt feel like it will get better at all. This whole mindset seems so natural to me now, I cant imagine it ever going, which is a shame.

Yeah Ive conidered the use of psychadelics, I suppose they cant fuck me up any more than I am already. And RW, how old were you when you had your 'revalation' so to speak?

 

[RainbowWarrior]

I had my first psychedelic-related revelation at the age of 17 when i began experimenting with mushrooms...

today i'm 24 and still having "revelations" pretty much daily... but that's something you have to work on (meditation, sharpening of intellect, etc) psychedelics never are a miracle cure, but they can help you in the way that they can show you who you are and what you want in your life... and they really can make things less "mundane" :D

if you decide to experiment with selfmedication: please do it very consciously and always be aware of the neg. sides of the drugs you are taking... that can safe you from a lot of trouble, you don't want to add addiction to your list of problems (yeah of course psychs aren't very addictive, but as always in the illicit drugscene they can be gateway drugs for some - more relating to circumstances than substance though)

and don't think that because here in TDS there are people who had to go through terrible suffering your problems don't matter, you did very good by asking for help! it's very important to know oneself and to know when it is better to ask for help because things get too much to deal with alone

 

[Mr Blonde]

OP I can very much relate. Apart from the brain tumor, my life was pretty good until the point where I started becoming depressed and anxious; I didn't have to worry about money or friends or anything like that.

Then the depression took over and I lost all my friends, lost all my motivation and ability to function well. It has just gotten worse over the past six years (I'm 20.. almost... now) and I now suffer from other types of mental illness as well.

So I guess I don't really have any advice to give or anything to say other then that I hope you don't end up like me.

 

[malakaix]

Meanwhile, I cant help thinking thoughts like; "I hope my tumour is a really serious cancer" or "I hope I slip on the side on the train station platform at the end of college today."

As for plans in life? Well, I have absolutley no idea. Im struggling to have any interest in my A levels, (biology specifically) and everything just seems so mundane.

This here indicates to me that you are 'desperate' for some major change in your life to the point where you wish something terrible or dramatic would happen too you, you find it hard to maintain any interests and find life in general mundane.

Yep, this is pretty much my scenario and has been for about 7 months now, but im working at it. It sounds like depression, it can happen like that.. everything's fine, but your still gutted about your life.

I've been in 'limbo' for roughly 7 months now. What i mean by limbo is, i have done nothing major in this time, i've worked my 15hours a week doing part-time laboring work and then gone home and listened to music, watched movies or slept. I've gone out on weekends here and there.. but as far as 'actual' progression in my life goes.. i've done nothing, i dont study, i dont have interests.. i just am.

For most i suppose its enough to go insane, and im sure i've entered into those realms more then occasionally, although this time of depression and limbo has been mixed with deep reflection and spiritual growth.

This situation your in, as fucked up as it may appear.. it is allowing for you to re-evaluate whats not working in your life, and giving you a chance to make the changes. I'm 21 next month and i still have no idea where im going to be in the next few years.. but i've set goals even though they seem so far away it helps me in knowing 'change' is coming.

During this period of limbo-depression we often seek and crave chaos because of the unpredictable nature of it, never really knowing whats going to happen next but excited with anticipation.

I can't really offer any solid solutions my friend as im currently in the same scenario, just what i've learnt myself from experiencing the same situation.

I hope things pick up for you.

Peace.