7/17/2010
I believe that aside from simply "getting high," the type of drugs one chooses is no accident. In my case, after reading extensively on ADD (that is only after I've self medicated with meth & have the patience & can actually read the whole damn things) frick its no WONDER i love meth the best. I can actually focus and pay attention. When sober off all drugs/alcohol 2 years there were advantages, but damned if I had even remotely had the patience to sit & figure out much less learn anything electronic, yet under the influence of meth, no problem.
I used to work in Urgent Care & dealt a lot with medical staff. At times 1 or 2 coworkers may come out of the closet by admitting they "party" occasionally, which is all cool. Until, that is, you're found out or like some patients, caught by the docs (only one of which bothered to read back through patients charts to look for KDS types) or flagged by a suspicious pharmacist, at which point you make the NNL. No Narcotics List for: blah, blah, and blahs if they come in.
My friend Aimee is a hardcore heroin addict, but it's also true that as long as I've known her & since she was a little kid, sleep usually eluded her save for a couple hrs a night due to her numerous ailments, hence the lure of smack. No damn wonder MS or Oxy's, later smack was soo tempting she became hooked.
However, back to the point, being my doc and I, she's a cool doc & few docs are cool with ongoing narcotics Rx, unless you're dying of cancer, or you're just plain old as in 65+. By that age, society doesn't consider you a threat or potential criminal, plus being a senior citizen docs kind of expect people complaining about pain legitimately.
I didn't want to raise any red flags by bringing up ADD & asking for an Rx to treat it. As a kid if it hadn't of been for ritalin, I'd of been just like my 3 half siblings who all share same dad with different moms. All of us, except me, including pops dropped out of 10th grade because of "a learning disability & being too hyper." My half siblings moms refused to medicate my 3 siblings, but if mom hadn't of gotten me on ritilin, I'd most likely be a 10th grade drop out too, barely able to sign my damn name.
They told mom that by the time I was an adult, I would "grow out of it," but the only thing I "grew out of" was the hyperness not the attention deficeit. As an adult, it really sucks, but as long as I dose low on meth, I'm good. Dose too much, I get in trouble, so I've learned my lesson there. Still, I'd rather be allowed to have my Rx for pain that doc writes for me & not for ADD than to have NEITHER with a silly ass KDS sticker on my fucking chart from now on. I didn't want to rock the boat by being perceived as a DS. Thanks for the input folks. I'll probably go in and tell it like it is, & be honest without being paranoid. Chronic fatigue & ADD suck so bad! I'm glad someone told me about this site 8 years ago. Thanks again BLers.
_______________________________________
I completely know where you're coming from! I've always been "the moody sort" so I've been told, & I am. It sounds like your depression is clinical, not just from negative thinking. Negative thinking makes it worse, to be sure, but have you asked you're doctor if he/she thinks adding Abilify with your antidepressant might help? Abilify helps boost dopamine levels so that you get out of your depressive funk, which is why certain double combos of Abilify + Prozac or Abilify + the currant antidepressive you're taking, or Abilify + __________ insert whatever specific drug you're doc might recommend. Depressions are fucking soul suckers, I know from experience.
Also, I found this book enlightening, called "The Bipolar Survival Guide" by David J. Miklowitz, Ph D. I know you haven't complained about being bipolar, just unipolar, as in depressed, but regardless, I found some very helpful information about depression in this book.
Granted, if you actually read the whole book and DO the exercises in conjunction with 1 on 1 therapy, you will learn things about yourself that trigger the depression & make it worse. Sometimes it's certain people, certain activities, or certain circumstances that will set off for example, "you're not good enough" or "only others can ever amount to any good but not me," ect. A psychologist that’s a great therapist has no license to write Rx for medication that might help, which is why usually people see a shrink for the meds & a therapist for 1 on 1 talk or group therapy.
I got so bad with my chronic fatigue and depressive symptoms my Mom called my doc up begging her to help me because all I do is sit in my room staring about listlessly. I struggled 9months with the fatigue and finally said fuck it, but that’s another story. I'm going to see my doc & talk to her, but I'm glad I read this book I mentioned.
I figured that if anyone would know what an intense depression feels like, it would be manic depressives, as the suckage for their depressions would feel worse after having had a fun (sometimes) run but a costly as hell episode of mania. If I were bipolar, I'd say to hell with this depression crap, so what if an antidepressive agent boots me into manic episode, which tends to happen if you're bipolar. Taking antidepressants without lithium or some agent to treat the mania has gotten a couple of bipolar friends I know in trouble, sending them into a manic or "mixed" state which = trouble. Since I have a low tolerance for extended physical suffering, I'd say to hell with it I'll take the mania. Of course, I'd also land my sorry ass in a mental institution or jail as well. Mania is only fun for as long as consequences don't piss all over your party parade lol. Once 27 years ago, my much older bf who was bipolar took PCP
sending him into a manic state, so he took off his clothes & ran up and down the street he lived on naked yelling that "we're free because we're in the Garden of Eden! We're free to be naked!" A couple of neighbors tried telling him to get dressed or they will call the cops, so he punched them, & proceeded to run up & down his street wearing nothing but a dumb fuck grin, until the cops came. Two tried restraining him, so he punched them, continued running, proclaiming to be naked and free, until finally 6 cops managed to restrain him and take him to the Gray Bar Inn. His dumb grinning ass was all over the city paper with his picture from the waste up on the front page informing the readers, my dad of which was one thank you very much. Dad of course used this as further evidence as to why "shaggy head" & I shouldn't be an item. LMAO. Sorry, since you're depressed, I thought I'd try making you laugh or smile a bit perhaps with my story.
I have heard from a couple others that suffered from depression like you are now, and as a last resort tried electroshock therapy or ECT. It actually is quite effective apparently, but only as a last resort. A big draw back is the side effect of having some memory erased. Carrie Fisher wrote about it in her book, (I can't remember the name) & I've never even had 1 treatment of ECT haha. I found the book quite helpful along with the exercises. Hugs.
I believe that aside from simply "getting high," the type of drugs one chooses is no accident. In my case, after reading extensively on ADD (that is only after I've self medicated with meth & have the patience & can actually read the whole damn things) frick its no WONDER i love meth the best. I can actually focus and pay attention. When sober off all drugs/alcohol 2 years there were advantages, but damned if I had even remotely had the patience to sit & figure out much less learn anything electronic, yet under the influence of meth, no problem.
I used to work in Urgent Care & dealt a lot with medical staff. At times 1 or 2 coworkers may come out of the closet by admitting they "party" occasionally, which is all cool. Until, that is, you're found out or like some patients, caught by the docs (only one of which bothered to read back through patients charts to look for KDS types) or flagged by a suspicious pharmacist, at which point you make the NNL. No Narcotics List for: blah, blah, and blahs if they come in.
My friend Aimee is a hardcore heroin addict, but it's also true that as long as I've known her & since she was a little kid, sleep usually eluded her save for a couple hrs a night due to her numerous ailments, hence the lure of smack. No damn wonder MS or Oxy's, later smack was soo tempting she became hooked.
However, back to the point, being my doc and I, she's a cool doc & few docs are cool with ongoing narcotics Rx, unless you're dying of cancer, or you're just plain old as in 65+. By that age, society doesn't consider you a threat or potential criminal, plus being a senior citizen docs kind of expect people complaining about pain legitimately.
I didn't want to raise any red flags by bringing up ADD & asking for an Rx to treat it. As a kid if it hadn't of been for ritalin, I'd of been just like my 3 half siblings who all share same dad with different moms. All of us, except me, including pops dropped out of 10th grade because of "a learning disability & being too hyper." My half siblings moms refused to medicate my 3 siblings, but if mom hadn't of gotten me on ritilin, I'd most likely be a 10th grade drop out too, barely able to sign my damn name.
They told mom that by the time I was an adult, I would "grow out of it," but the only thing I "grew out of" was the hyperness not the attention deficeit. As an adult, it really sucks, but as long as I dose low on meth, I'm good. Dose too much, I get in trouble, so I've learned my lesson there. Still, I'd rather be allowed to have my Rx for pain that doc writes for me & not for ADD than to have NEITHER with a silly ass KDS sticker on my fucking chart from now on. I didn't want to rock the boat by being perceived as a DS. Thanks for the input folks. I'll probably go in and tell it like it is, & be honest without being paranoid. Chronic fatigue & ADD suck so bad! I'm glad someone told me about this site 8 years ago. Thanks again BLers.
_______________________________________
I completely know where you're coming from! I've always been "the moody sort" so I've been told, & I am. It sounds like your depression is clinical, not just from negative thinking. Negative thinking makes it worse, to be sure, but have you asked you're doctor if he/she thinks adding Abilify with your antidepressant might help? Abilify helps boost dopamine levels so that you get out of your depressive funk, which is why certain double combos of Abilify + Prozac or Abilify + the currant antidepressive you're taking, or Abilify + __________ insert whatever specific drug you're doc might recommend. Depressions are fucking soul suckers, I know from experience.
Also, I found this book enlightening, called "The Bipolar Survival Guide" by David J. Miklowitz, Ph D. I know you haven't complained about being bipolar, just unipolar, as in depressed, but regardless, I found some very helpful information about depression in this book.
Granted, if you actually read the whole book and DO the exercises in conjunction with 1 on 1 therapy, you will learn things about yourself that trigger the depression & make it worse. Sometimes it's certain people, certain activities, or certain circumstances that will set off for example, "you're not good enough" or "only others can ever amount to any good but not me," ect. A psychologist that’s a great therapist has no license to write Rx for medication that might help, which is why usually people see a shrink for the meds & a therapist for 1 on 1 talk or group therapy.
I got so bad with my chronic fatigue and depressive symptoms my Mom called my doc up begging her to help me because all I do is sit in my room staring about listlessly. I struggled 9months with the fatigue and finally said fuck it, but that’s another story. I'm going to see my doc & talk to her, but I'm glad I read this book I mentioned.
I figured that if anyone would know what an intense depression feels like, it would be manic depressives, as the suckage for their depressions would feel worse after having had a fun (sometimes) run but a costly as hell episode of mania. If I were bipolar, I'd say to hell with this depression crap, so what if an antidepressive agent boots me into manic episode, which tends to happen if you're bipolar. Taking antidepressants without lithium or some agent to treat the mania has gotten a couple of bipolar friends I know in trouble, sending them into a manic or "mixed" state which = trouble. Since I have a low tolerance for extended physical suffering, I'd say to hell with it I'll take the mania. Of course, I'd also land my sorry ass in a mental institution or jail as well. Mania is only fun for as long as consequences don't piss all over your party parade lol. Once 27 years ago, my much older bf who was bipolar took PCP
sending him into a manic state, so he took off his clothes & ran up and down the street he lived on naked yelling that "we're free because we're in the Garden of Eden! We're free to be naked!" A couple of neighbors tried telling him to get dressed or they will call the cops, so he punched them, & proceeded to run up & down his street wearing nothing but a dumb fuck grin, until the cops came. Two tried restraining him, so he punched them, continued running, proclaiming to be naked and free, until finally 6 cops managed to restrain him and take him to the Gray Bar Inn. His dumb grinning ass was all over the city paper with his picture from the waste up on the front page informing the readers, my dad of which was one thank you very much. Dad of course used this as further evidence as to why "shaggy head" & I shouldn't be an item. LMAO. Sorry, since you're depressed, I thought I'd try making you laugh or smile a bit perhaps with my story.
I have heard from a couple others that suffered from depression like you are now, and as a last resort tried electroshock therapy or ECT. It actually is quite effective apparently, but only as a last resort. A big draw back is the side effect of having some memory erased. Carrie Fisher wrote about it in her book, (I can't remember the name) & I've never even had 1 treatment of ECT haha. I found the book quite helpful along with the exercises. Hugs.