First off, I've posted this on another drug forum before I posted this here, someone on that forum adviced me to post this here as you are more likely to be able to give more in-depth advice about this.
To give it a bit of context, the tinychat is a chatroom I used to go to, and the DD is the drugs discussion in the forum I posted this in at first.
Also, I'm making this threat to be sure what I'm planning to do is safe, and even viable.
like some of you know, a few months ago I tripped balls on some acid and mxe, in that process my parents caught me right after I somehow got into a bad trip. that my parents found me has been quite the hassle, but the bad trip stuck.
First off, I don’t remember much of my trip, and what I remember I will tell you, I’ll leave out any facts that I have been told that happened, because this is more about the actual experience than about what happened in the world around me at that time.
At night, I was chatting a bit in the tinychat, and I dropped 600ug’s of acid, while already on a lowish dose of mxe(~40mg’s). when the trip was starting I snorted about 80mg’s more, and later in the trip I did about another 100.
after that I began exploring alternate realities after I escaped from this point in five dimensional space, and went into another point, saw a different universe, and tried to understand it.
at one point I was suddenly sitting on the toilet, thinking I lit the house on fire, but I didnt care because what I was exploring, the universe, was much, much, more important.
after that I remember a flash of standing in my room naked, and luckily my cam fell off my screen, otherwise I’d have bothered everyone in the chat with it.
then another flash later I’m back on the toilet, tripping like fuck, remembering childhood memories, when suddenly, I realize, I’m going to hell.
I look at myself, and all I see is burning evil, the toilet turned into a waiting chamber, and if I opened the door I’d be in hell. I’m still scared of that toilet.
I remember looking down, and seeing my body, gray, already in ashes.
A moment later I’m in the living room with my mother, screaming the demon she was should get away from me, that I didn’t want to go to hell, scared as fuck of my cat(still scared of him, I used to love him
) somehow my mother calmed me down though, but I still was sure I was dead, if I felt my heart it wasn’t beating, and I felt this intense pain in my heart region constantly.
after that I slowly calmed down, watched a movie, said my goodbyes to the people in the DD and the tinychat, because I knew I wasn’t going to see them, and you, for a long time, and left.
Ever since this bad trip, I've been having anxiety issues, mild hallucinations when high, slight phobia of the colour black, especially when combined with red, and an intense fear of death.
Since the trip I've had an anxiety attack, and have constantly experienced some post-anxiety issues. This causes me to rethink what happened to me in the trip, why it happened, and what I should do with it. This has caused me to create a ton of theories around a false, negative fact, that somehow got into me during the trip. and one of those theories really stuck. I'll talk about that specific theory later. Somehow, my mind got wired to be a pessimist, and is constantly busy figuring out what went wrong, and why, effectively creating more theories, and making me feel worse about myself, and the world.
With that also comes the feeling that every single bit that feels kinda bad on my body’s exaggerated by a shitload mentally, just some minor cramps feel like just some minor cramps, but it’s wired in my mind to immediately associate me with one of the theories I made.
My highs are still pretty nice, but my mind tends to wander of to creating even more crazy theories if I don’t keep it busy, and watching movies and shit is almost impossible, because the source of evil in those movies always somehow gets associated to me, by me. Even when there’s barely any, to no resemblance at all.
Sometimes I feel all that’s left of me is a squash of blood in a see of black, cold, nothingness.
All colours seem to be dimmed, and the colour that jumps out most, is, of course, black. It’s the only colour left I really notice.
On the musical side, music tends to have this downpushing noise inside of it. like, it’s constantly reminding me of how I’m already dead, and there’s nothing I can do about it. The better the music sounds the more likely it is to happen. Ratatat and pink floyd are perfect examples of this. For an example, with ratatat, it sounds really sad, and it feels like they’re sad they can’t save me from the place I’m going to.
Analyzing all the theories I’ve created, I’ve found that all start at the same point, I’m a person whose soul is dieing. which of course consists of many, many smaller, more complicated emotions. All theories revolve around that fact, and how it came to die.
One of the major theories is that every person on earth, has a soul, which was once part of a stream of energy somewhere out there. they did something wrong, and were expelled out. on which they went to a body on earth, or possibly other planets, and slowly degrade more and more, because they cant survive outside of that, so called, stream of energy.
When a soul degrades, it slowly loses some abilities, some faster than others. like socially, or emotionally, or any of the things someone is supposed to do. for an instance: some people are for an instance a better talker, which means to me, they haven’t degraded much on the social side.
As a soul degrades more and more, at one point psychological disabilities, and mental disorders will surface, and the more a soul degrades, the more mental diseases, and disabilities surface. which means at the end of your spiritual life you’re just sitting in some institution trying to lick your own feet and shit.
At one point, a person can’t handle it anymore, which happens on different stages of degradation with every person out there, at that point, the way out is suicide, just giving into the cold rotting blackness that’s waiting for you because the process to it is too painful.
This is the theory I’m worried about most in very basic terms.
Now, what my plan is, is to basically overwrite this psychosis, with another one, effectively brainwashing myself. But this one will make me feel good about myself and the world, and try to fix some mental issues I have. basically removing every trace of the old one from my mind, so only memories of this godawful time will remain.
I’m planning to do this by writing every single thing down that’s remotely connected to the psychosis, and write down exactly the opposite, because it’s about the opposite of the way I used to think. Record this, do about the same dose of acid and mxe that caused it the last time, and listen to it.
Now, the recording I’m going to make is going to sound as friendly and inviting as possible, with nice music that can be used for meditation on the background, and after every short session countering a fact that’s in my mind, some music, and some time to think about how right it actually is what I’m being told. which will cause me to emerge from the trip being a complete different person than I was when I got into it, I’ll be someone who can enjoy life again.
Now, what I’d like to know, do any of you have any tips for me of any kind? And, is this even remotely possible, and safe?
When I do this, I’ll of course tell you how it went.
To give it a bit of context, the tinychat is a chatroom I used to go to, and the DD is the drugs discussion in the forum I posted this in at first.
Also, I'm making this threat to be sure what I'm planning to do is safe, and even viable.
like some of you know, a few months ago I tripped balls on some acid and mxe, in that process my parents caught me right after I somehow got into a bad trip. that my parents found me has been quite the hassle, but the bad trip stuck.
First off, I don’t remember much of my trip, and what I remember I will tell you, I’ll leave out any facts that I have been told that happened, because this is more about the actual experience than about what happened in the world around me at that time.
At night, I was chatting a bit in the tinychat, and I dropped 600ug’s of acid, while already on a lowish dose of mxe(~40mg’s). when the trip was starting I snorted about 80mg’s more, and later in the trip I did about another 100.
after that I began exploring alternate realities after I escaped from this point in five dimensional space, and went into another point, saw a different universe, and tried to understand it.
at one point I was suddenly sitting on the toilet, thinking I lit the house on fire, but I didnt care because what I was exploring, the universe, was much, much, more important.
after that I remember a flash of standing in my room naked, and luckily my cam fell off my screen, otherwise I’d have bothered everyone in the chat with it.
then another flash later I’m back on the toilet, tripping like fuck, remembering childhood memories, when suddenly, I realize, I’m going to hell.
I look at myself, and all I see is burning evil, the toilet turned into a waiting chamber, and if I opened the door I’d be in hell. I’m still scared of that toilet.
I remember looking down, and seeing my body, gray, already in ashes.
A moment later I’m in the living room with my mother, screaming the demon she was should get away from me, that I didn’t want to go to hell, scared as fuck of my cat(still scared of him, I used to love him
) somehow my mother calmed me down though, but I still was sure I was dead, if I felt my heart it wasn’t beating, and I felt this intense pain in my heart region constantly.after that I slowly calmed down, watched a movie, said my goodbyes to the people in the DD and the tinychat, because I knew I wasn’t going to see them, and you, for a long time, and left.
Ever since this bad trip, I've been having anxiety issues, mild hallucinations when high, slight phobia of the colour black, especially when combined with red, and an intense fear of death.
Since the trip I've had an anxiety attack, and have constantly experienced some post-anxiety issues. This causes me to rethink what happened to me in the trip, why it happened, and what I should do with it. This has caused me to create a ton of theories around a false, negative fact, that somehow got into me during the trip. and one of those theories really stuck. I'll talk about that specific theory later. Somehow, my mind got wired to be a pessimist, and is constantly busy figuring out what went wrong, and why, effectively creating more theories, and making me feel worse about myself, and the world.
With that also comes the feeling that every single bit that feels kinda bad on my body’s exaggerated by a shitload mentally, just some minor cramps feel like just some minor cramps, but it’s wired in my mind to immediately associate me with one of the theories I made.
My highs are still pretty nice, but my mind tends to wander of to creating even more crazy theories if I don’t keep it busy, and watching movies and shit is almost impossible, because the source of evil in those movies always somehow gets associated to me, by me. Even when there’s barely any, to no resemblance at all.
Sometimes I feel all that’s left of me is a squash of blood in a see of black, cold, nothingness.
All colours seem to be dimmed, and the colour that jumps out most, is, of course, black. It’s the only colour left I really notice.
On the musical side, music tends to have this downpushing noise inside of it. like, it’s constantly reminding me of how I’m already dead, and there’s nothing I can do about it. The better the music sounds the more likely it is to happen. Ratatat and pink floyd are perfect examples of this. For an example, with ratatat, it sounds really sad, and it feels like they’re sad they can’t save me from the place I’m going to.
Analyzing all the theories I’ve created, I’ve found that all start at the same point, I’m a person whose soul is dieing. which of course consists of many, many smaller, more complicated emotions. All theories revolve around that fact, and how it came to die.
One of the major theories is that every person on earth, has a soul, which was once part of a stream of energy somewhere out there. they did something wrong, and were expelled out. on which they went to a body on earth, or possibly other planets, and slowly degrade more and more, because they cant survive outside of that, so called, stream of energy.
When a soul degrades, it slowly loses some abilities, some faster than others. like socially, or emotionally, or any of the things someone is supposed to do. for an instance: some people are for an instance a better talker, which means to me, they haven’t degraded much on the social side.
As a soul degrades more and more, at one point psychological disabilities, and mental disorders will surface, and the more a soul degrades, the more mental diseases, and disabilities surface. which means at the end of your spiritual life you’re just sitting in some institution trying to lick your own feet and shit.
At one point, a person can’t handle it anymore, which happens on different stages of degradation with every person out there, at that point, the way out is suicide, just giving into the cold rotting blackness that’s waiting for you because the process to it is too painful.
This is the theory I’m worried about most in very basic terms.
Now, what my plan is, is to basically overwrite this psychosis, with another one, effectively brainwashing myself. But this one will make me feel good about myself and the world, and try to fix some mental issues I have. basically removing every trace of the old one from my mind, so only memories of this godawful time will remain.
I’m planning to do this by writing every single thing down that’s remotely connected to the psychosis, and write down exactly the opposite, because it’s about the opposite of the way I used to think. Record this, do about the same dose of acid and mxe that caused it the last time, and listen to it.
Now, the recording I’m going to make is going to sound as friendly and inviting as possible, with nice music that can be used for meditation on the background, and after every short session countering a fact that’s in my mind, some music, and some time to think about how right it actually is what I’m being told. which will cause me to emerge from the trip being a complete different person than I was when I got into it, I’ll be someone who can enjoy life again.
Now, what I’d like to know, do any of you have any tips for me of any kind? And, is this even remotely possible, and safe?
When I do this, I’ll of course tell you how it went.
