Ashke
Bluelighter
Well, I'm still on my break from E... Holding out even tho it's been real hard. My bf was posta be on a break with me but he asked if he could roll this friday and I said go ahead... it was rough coz I hadda hang out at this house packed full of kids rolling and I was the only one who wasn't... They were buddas, really good pills. But I'm proud of myself for abstaining.. Just gave backrubs and seabreezes and stuff to help other kids blow up, kinda felt good just outta vicarious... shit, I don't know how to phrase it right. You know what I mean.
And then I was able to pick up some of those buddas just to hang onto for when I *do* roll again with Matt and loupy this upcoming Februrary 5th.. (February spelt wrong on purpose, it's an inside thing, don't worry bout it
). And after all the bullshit that happened Saturday, I was sooo tempted to split those pills with Matthew and roll with him but I hung onto them..
I think this weekend I felt real epression for the first time. I dunno, does epression also refer to being more 'down' than usual when you're trying to break from it? Or just like from the lack of seratonin after rolling hard? Coz what I'm feeling is the former. Maybe that's just regular sober depression. Either way it sucks.
Was seriously hard to pull myself out of the awful shit that went on this weekend, driving all that way to Cleveland (a 3.5 hour drive) only to find that Breakin Tha Ice had reached capacity and then some and there was no way we were gonna get in without the cop hovering over the door security shutting the whole venue down. And then we find out we locked the keys in the car so we're stranded in Cleveland.. Hadda wait downstairs in the freezing cold for triple A to come get my car open. Ugh. It was such a let down, I'd been so psyched for that party... Had me all kindsa melancholy the whole rest of the weekend. But I think I've finally pulled out of it. I've got a resiliant optimistic spirit, I can handle it. Without beans to pick me up.
Okay, nuff bout me.. Has anyone else noticed the vibe here on Bluelight has been a bit.. hrm. Tense lately? I dunno, it just seems that the discussion board is awful cluttered with flames, requests for help from epression or troubles, Bluelighters nitpicking at one another...
Maybe it has to do with the time of year. January is such a grey time of the year... And I'm not just talking weather, though that does apply some places (like where I'm at, Ohio.. god is it grey). But I'm also just talking about how it's a stretch between holidays, and everybody's got work or school usually, and there's just not a lot to look forward to.
Maybe it has to do with so many of us breaking from XTC, tho I doubt it coz a lot of the crankiest of us here are still rolling frequently.
Maybe it's just coincidence and circumstance.
But anyway, whatever it is, I just wanted to offer my virtual hug and my hope that everyone hang in their and hang onto their cheer as best they can, because sometimes it's all you can offer when the vibe around you feels empty or faded.
This song means a lot to me... It's been running thru my head. Take from it what you will. (Note: I don't mean to insult any older bluelighters with these lyrics.. The artist's point was not a slam in that sense; she's talking about how, with time, people tend to get jaded more easily.)
"Back back back in the back of your mind
Are you learning an angry language?
Tell me boy, boy, boy, are you tending to your joy
Or are you just letting it vanquish?
Back back back in the dark of your mind
Where the eyes of your demons are gleaming
Are you mad, mad, mad at the life you never had baby
Even when you were dreaming?
Who are these old old old people in these nursing homes
Just scowling away at nothing,
Like big rag doll just cursing at the walls
And pulling out all of their stuffing.
And everyday is a door leading back to the core
'Cause old age will distill you,
And if you're this this this full of bitterness now
Someday it will just fill you.
When you sit right down in the middle of yourself
You're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair.
So renovate your soul before you get too old
'Cause you're gonna be house-bound there.
Yeah when you're old you fold up like an envelope
And you mail yourself deep inside.
And there's nowhere to go except out real slow,
Are you ready, boy, for that ride?
Your arrogance is gaining on you
And so is eternity.
You better practice happiness;
You better practice humility.
You took the air, you took the time,
Yeah you were fed and you were free,
So you better put some beauty back boy
While you got the energy,
Yeah, you better put some beauty back
While you got the energy."
-- "Back back back", Ani DiFranco
Much luv,
~*~ Ashke ~*~
[This message has been edited by Ashke (edited 10 January 2000).]
And then I was able to pick up some of those buddas just to hang onto for when I *do* roll again with Matt and loupy this upcoming Februrary 5th.. (February spelt wrong on purpose, it's an inside thing, don't worry bout it
I think this weekend I felt real epression for the first time. I dunno, does epression also refer to being more 'down' than usual when you're trying to break from it? Or just like from the lack of seratonin after rolling hard? Coz what I'm feeling is the former. Maybe that's just regular sober depression. Either way it sucks.
Was seriously hard to pull myself out of the awful shit that went on this weekend, driving all that way to Cleveland (a 3.5 hour drive) only to find that Breakin Tha Ice had reached capacity and then some and there was no way we were gonna get in without the cop hovering over the door security shutting the whole venue down. And then we find out we locked the keys in the car so we're stranded in Cleveland.. Hadda wait downstairs in the freezing cold for triple A to come get my car open. Ugh. It was such a let down, I'd been so psyched for that party... Had me all kindsa melancholy the whole rest of the weekend. But I think I've finally pulled out of it. I've got a resiliant optimistic spirit, I can handle it. Without beans to pick me up.
Okay, nuff bout me.. Has anyone else noticed the vibe here on Bluelight has been a bit.. hrm. Tense lately? I dunno, it just seems that the discussion board is awful cluttered with flames, requests for help from epression or troubles, Bluelighters nitpicking at one another...
Maybe it has to do with the time of year. January is such a grey time of the year... And I'm not just talking weather, though that does apply some places (like where I'm at, Ohio.. god is it grey). But I'm also just talking about how it's a stretch between holidays, and everybody's got work or school usually, and there's just not a lot to look forward to.
Maybe it has to do with so many of us breaking from XTC, tho I doubt it coz a lot of the crankiest of us here are still rolling frequently.
Maybe it's just coincidence and circumstance.
But anyway, whatever it is, I just wanted to offer my virtual hug and my hope that everyone hang in their and hang onto their cheer as best they can, because sometimes it's all you can offer when the vibe around you feels empty or faded.
This song means a lot to me... It's been running thru my head. Take from it what you will. (Note: I don't mean to insult any older bluelighters with these lyrics.. The artist's point was not a slam in that sense; she's talking about how, with time, people tend to get jaded more easily.)
"Back back back in the back of your mind
Are you learning an angry language?
Tell me boy, boy, boy, are you tending to your joy
Or are you just letting it vanquish?
Back back back in the dark of your mind
Where the eyes of your demons are gleaming
Are you mad, mad, mad at the life you never had baby
Even when you were dreaming?
Who are these old old old people in these nursing homes
Just scowling away at nothing,
Like big rag doll just cursing at the walls
And pulling out all of their stuffing.
And everyday is a door leading back to the core
'Cause old age will distill you,
And if you're this this this full of bitterness now
Someday it will just fill you.
When you sit right down in the middle of yourself
You're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair.
So renovate your soul before you get too old
'Cause you're gonna be house-bound there.
Yeah when you're old you fold up like an envelope
And you mail yourself deep inside.
And there's nowhere to go except out real slow,
Are you ready, boy, for that ride?
Your arrogance is gaining on you
And so is eternity.
You better practice happiness;
You better practice humility.
You took the air, you took the time,
Yeah you were fed and you were free,
So you better put some beauty back boy
While you got the energy,
Yeah, you better put some beauty back
While you got the energy."
-- "Back back back", Ani DiFranco
Much luv,
~*~ Ashke ~*~
[This message has been edited by Ashke (edited 10 January 2000).]
