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ephemeral love and heartache. i'll never be the same.

snazzy_sn

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
774
Location
Texas
i realize how over the top and melodramatic this sounds. none of my friends take me seriously when i try to talk about this... two weeks later and i should be over this...

26 year old ex stripper.
met her on bluelight.
a functioning (sort of) addict.
a little crazy, a little goofy, very pretty, and the most gorgeous creature i ever set eyes on.
and we were on the same level. i haven't met anyone on the same level... well ever.
we hung out and she ended up burning me for 100 dollars... but... i wasn't mad. just sad. she liked third eye blind and made hemp bracelets.



two weeks later she starts texting me wanting to make things right.
i just bought a teener and she came over.
none of my friends liked her, but she brought everyone food and weed.
she brought me blue powerade.

that first night, well. i don't remember what was said, but...
we talked and laughed and she smoked it and i did shots and even though nothing of meaning was said, it was still the best company i've had in a long time.
later that day, she decides she wants to do a shot.

now, to most people who don't always shoot, .05-1.5 is plenty, but i forget this.
i'm a reckless rush junkie who likes to bang half grams.
i made our shots, and i gave her hers, i didn't have the plunger more than halfway down and she's coughing.
hey eyes get big and she suddenly starts talking in a baby voice about how she'd never done a shot like that and how she was embarassed and it was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen.
tom petty was playing and she asked me to kiss her.
things start getting hot but we get interrupted.
we decided to retreat to her hot hot car, and smoked and talked and talked.
she told me that she liked me but didn't think i'd be interested since she was five years older than me and we decided to go on a formal date and she told me that i made her feel comftorable and she didn't have to pretend around me. she didn't want us to have sex because she didn't want our first time to be on meth...

later that night, we hang out, and finally finish my bag.
we're laying together. i'm staring at her in awe. i have to work in a few hours and she's about to leave.
she wants to keep hanging out and get us some more dope, but i have to work...
she gone ten minutes and i'm calling in to work and stealing ten dollars to put in.

she comes back and we go on missions...
everything after this was kind of a downward spiral and we parted ways that night...

i haven't talked to her since, and i'm quite certain she used me...

but... that kiss... that voice.... that shot... the single best moment of my life and almost two weeks later and i haven't heard from her but i can't get over her...
she might have played me... but there are some things you can't fake.
a certain sense of humor, knowing the lyrics to 3eb songs, a kind of craziness, a certain look...

in two and three nights i fell in love harder, and got hurt harder than all the fucked up relationships i've had in the last 11 years combined...

how do i come down from this?
 
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Have you tried calling or texting her to iniate some sort of communication..? Listen to your gut. Unless she truly is some sort of master of using people, it sounds like what you experienced was real to some extent at least and something you shouldn't let slip away.
 
I am really sorry, snazzy. I can understand how much your situation hurts and how you probably find it almost if not totally impossible to think about anything else right now.

Time will help, if you can wait long enough for time to do its work.

In the meantime, try to focus on something else when thoughts of her surface. I understand the desire, and the desire brings pain. Suffering less is suffering. Less is still better, though.
 
You fell in lust, not love. Love develops after time after you know a person for who they truly are inside and out. Lust is an infatuation that happens fast and is often mistaken for love. From your post, it sounds like it has been some time since you had a female companion. Unfortunatly, this girl is definitly not the one for you. Your first meeting she robbed you, then she got high on ur drugs, you may have had a few little things in common but if u got to know other women im sure ud connect w them on other levels too. If she wasnt attractive, chances are after the first night youd never have talked to her again. Try going out and meeting different girls who are interested in having something more than high-buddy. You'll find the right girl for you, who will love and appreciate you for who you are instead of using you. everyone deserves love. this girl is trouble (prob makes her more attractive) but dont give in
 
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