Energy vampire paranoia -- LSD psychosis?

[SplitInfinitive]

I don't quite know where to start, pretty much what this boils down to is have a deep seated fear/paranoia that I have become an "energy vampire", one who drains the energy from others to make myself feel better. It's mostly based on a couple bad LSD experiences. In the first occurance (about a year ago) I was at a show and ate a decent dose of LSD and about 100 mg of MDA. I was with a group that was really close, but I'd just met most of them and didn't know anyone too well. As a very social person who tends to lack self-confidence in new situations, especially without close friends, in retrospect LSD was a bad idea. My experience started off pretty normal, but then dread started to build, and eventually I completely locked up, lost the ability to vibe. Moreover, I felt as if my locking down somehow locked up the energy of the whole situation and was causing others to not fully enjoy themselves.

I was a newcomer to LSD, tripping for the first time about three months prior. I loved it at first try, and tripped about 6 times over that period, always a good time. I also used MDMA fairly heavily over that period. I'd eaten a little bit of MDA the night before and was completely exhausted the night of my bad trip, and wonder if simply being burnt out may have played a role in it. After that experience I lost most of the confidence I had and went into depression. I thought I had myself pretty much out of it (I gave up harder drugs, but continued heavy use of marijuana and moderate drinking), then several months later at a show by the same band and with some people from the same group I smoked a very small amount of DMT, had been smoking marijuana heavily all day, and the same thing happened. I felt as if I stopped feeling and brought down the whole crowd around me. No joke, all around near me, no one was dancing. Could just be coincidence, but I was scared as hell and on lockdown. Same thing, lost my confidence, depression, anxiety.

This past July, not really recovered and thinking maybe a good acid trip was just what I needed to snap me out of things, bring some joy and excitement back to my life, blow off some steam, all the above (bad idea, I know). I decided to eat some acid at festival. In retrospect, I was depressed and dealing with a lot of issues I'd put off/repressed for a long time. I ate a few hits, along with probably 500 mg MDMA and an ecstasy pill (reckless, I know). And whaddyaknow, same thing. I'd started with the MDMA and ate so much because I never really felt I was rolling, the effects seemed dampened. But this time it was so much worse. I locked down, felt I was draining everyone around me, they weren't dancing, and I felt like I was throwing the vibe of the whole situation off. I was exhausted and felt like I had no energy to give. Overwhelmed by fear, I headed back to my campsite. On the walk back, whenever I came near a group, they would stop talking. It was if i was sucking all the joy out of the situation (It's a festival, people are happy, but I sure as hell wasn't). The whole time I felt as if I was controlling energy of the whole situation and didn't like it, but on some level I think I was getting off on the control and power I felt I had. I felt like I should just kill myself and it would be better for everyone, that I was a sociopath or something like that. The urge to kill myself scared the shit out of me, and it was if I was fighting myself to not simply end it.

I spent the next couple days in camp, pretty much scared shitless. The feeling of being bound up and locked into the energy of the situation, pulling out any joy, continued. The group next to us (traveling dealers, GDF members) was obviously pissed at me, and it may have just been my paranoia/psychosis but I heard them talking about me, how maybe I needed a good ass kicking, etc. In another instance a friend of theirs came by and asked "where's the sick kid" to which the response was "he's near". I'll admit I'm a fairly repressed individual and often seem a different person on drugs, and with acid the gender line can tend to blur for me. Was this just repression coming to head and me locking down? Did I experience some kind of psychosis or unmasking of schizophrenia? Since then I've been depressed, anxious, and devoid of self confidence. I have terrible social paranoia, and still feel that I tend to suck the energy out of situations. I'm not okay with the thought that I negatively impact others, and as a result have pretty much isolated myself. Even alone I feel bound up, like I can't just let it flow. Moreover, I tend to not really feel myself, especially in groups. I tend towards experiencing the emotions of the group in general, not what I'm feeling. I have no energy, and feel like I constantly have to just pick myself up and keep going.

With time, my situation is improving, and the trip was good from the sense that it made me more self aware of how unhappy I was with who I was. I know there's a lot of rambling here, but I needed to write it out. Any insight/advice would be much appreciated. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, maybe I am schizo (I have a continuous internal monologue) other times I think it was just a bad trip. At any rate, I don't understand what happened or what's going on with me. It could be as little as paranoia and narcissism, but I worry and fear it's mental illness.

 

[TheLostBoys]

Seems like you dont like yourself very much but dont know that subconsciously, you feel this way. If these feelings about yourself are hidden & repressed, they tend to come out when on psychedelics. Psychedelics are very powerful & it teaches us things about ourselves that we make like or dislike. Some people are wired wrong & should never touch them.

As far as you draining people from their energy around you, maybe you're doing things that you dont recall. Alot of times paranoia sets in & takes over your every thought & that tends to be bad as you have explained. As for your story, when the neighbor at the campsite came over & asked about the sick kid, why did they say that? If its all in your mind, they wouldnt have mentioned it or are you also hearing things that arent there?

 

[Mariposa]

What you are describing, short version, does not sound like energy vampirism because that term isn't really valid in a metaphysical sense. This is my opinion. Others will disagree.

It sounds like depression.

I used to think that if I went to a party or even over to someone's house when I was feeling depressed or down, that I would 'spoil' it with my mood. Once I regained control over my moods and my attitude toward people and life in general, things got dramatically better.

I thought this way even though I didn't abuse psychedelics or MDxx.

I don't remember what day it was, and still I have my moments where I genuinely want to be alone or with 1-2 close friends at most. A day did arrive when I was able to accept invitations again and I went (still going for the most part!) to everything to which I was invited - distance and other obligations are now the only thing that stand in my way here and there.

I would see a psychiatrist if I were you, and discontinue the drug and alcohol use. Yes, it is possible that the drugs were an issue - that happens to a lot of people and it isn't any fun. To find happiness and peace in your life, deal with your off days when you have them (I had half of one yesterday despite being excited about seeing a show because my stomach was bothering me) and change your attitude. You will give off positive energy simply by smiling, being friendly, and sociable. And guess what? If you surround yourself with the right people and situations, you won't ever have to fake it. Your life will improve. You can hold your shit together. You might even find yourself happy.

See a pro to rule out the big stuff, deal with it together with your pro if there is any, and otherwise, enjoy your life. Enjoying yourself is the best way to develop self-confidence, IME - right behind that was settling my responsibilities, knowing who and what are important, and the occasional dropping everything to rest knowing that even when the party is over, I'm still responsible for my own happiness and that there is no higher priority than that.

I wish you the best, and welcome to Bluelight.

 

[griffenspade]

OMG. I know exactly what your talking about. Reading your post sent shivers down my spine. had the same experience about a month ago, candyflipping. 400-600mgs of MDXX. and around 2 blotters.

For most of the night felt like some kind of messiah, rocketing thru multiple dementions, playing with the "control pannel of the universe"

Completely felt amazing at first, but when the mdma wore off, and I was still tripping madly, had very very intense feelings of helplessness, depression, killing the vibe, the end of the party turned into a bizzar nighmare, as I could hear other peoples thoughts, and they mostly revolved around really aggressive/pervered/sexual things. A group of ppl wouuld look at me, and id lock eye contact and, Would here their thoughts, it would go like; "here, use my rig, lets inject that kid with Ketamine, and RAPE him back at the hotel" or something really fucked up like that.

Couldnt sleep for days, stare at my walls and laugh histerically. or i would try to fall asleep, but would wake up covered in sweat, shaking, id just sit in the shower, and pop xanax bars, and drink till i threw up.

Herd other peoples thoughts, and a voice narrate my life, commenting, questioning, making fun of things I would do.

It was hell for 3 weeks, but it has eventually subsided.... Im trying to load up my schdual and life, and trying to stop using.

I hope this helps. Ur not the only one who suffered a REALLY REALLY REALLY fucked up psychotic episode from candifllipping.

 

[paranoid android]

Your suffering from some long term effects from all the drugs would be my guess that and the fact you where not in a good place to begin with and you took loads of MDMA with acid is a recipe for something to go wrong. Your more then likely depressed as fuck and suffering from alot of anxiety. If it continues or if you get thoughts of hurting yourself or if it gets worse please go see a doctor. Also lay off the drugs seriously if you get reactions like wanting to kill yourself while ion acid or E then you should not be taking these drugs at all.

 

[User Name Here]

LSD probably exasperated your beliefs in this whole unrealistic phenomenon and you just need to bring yourself back to earth by reminding yourself that energy vampires don't really exist. Yeah, there are plenty of people who think they're physically feeding off of peoples' energy out there, but they're really just mentally convinced that such a thing is occurring and as a result experience actual side effects that seem very real.

Mind over matter is a strong concept and your mind is capable of some very powerful experiences, especially when psychedelics are added to the mix. There was actually an experiment done where a person was hypnotized and then told that a quarter that had been placed on their arm was burning them. The subject's mind was so convinced that the arm was being burned that it actually produced a very real blister where the quarter was in a few minutes' time!! It's the same thing with people who are able to walk on hot coals, pierce themselves without feeling pain, etc. Now use that mind over matter for something positive and teach yourself that you're not an energy vampire 'cause such a thing simply doesn't exist. It's all in peoples' heads. They think they're feeding on energy so their brains convince them that they can feel the effects when in reality they're not.

With all of this being said, you sound pretty depressed and maybe you should consider speaking to someone about the things you're feeling. I hope you feel better.

 

[-kOse-]

(Firstable i gotta say that i'm spanish and maybe my english can suck. So i beg your pardon for this)

Man, i have felt so many times like that, both in a positive and a negative way, that after reading you i felt the urge of responding. Just yesterday the very same happened to me, with different elements, as i was stoned. It was like if my depresive and loopy thoughts had a massive impact in whichever environment i was, like if i were filling every place with my negative vibes. This kind of weird thoughts have been popping out ever since i dropped some acid four years ago, having only repeated one more time. For example, when i´m high on weed i usually start to look for messages or meanings on whatever is happening around me, and always concluding that my depresive thoughts and vibes are ruining others people fun and happy moments. Also, i usually get the feeling that the people that im spending time with (friends usually) are some kind of superior souls, enlightened people who are trying to teach me how to really enjoy life, trying to show me the point of living, and like you, like if they were very dissapointed with me. Regardless of how psycho or twisted this may seem, i still don't know how much of this is truth and how much is plain shit. It just feel so real.

And here comes the problem. Of every drug i have ever tried, nothing ever felt so real like what i have experienced with acid. The magic, the mysticism, the massive love that occurs when your tripping are beyond reality. Specially if you are in the right environment, with open minded people, and every place is flooded with the awareness and love that LSD can bring out. Is a powerful experince, a real one actually, that is never forgotten and will inevitably affect every single aspect of your life. And therefore you always, more or less and depending on the moment, will examine everything regarding the psychedelic experience. i don´t know if this is actually good or bad. But the fact usually is, that many people, including me here, are not prepared to take drugs, even weed or psychedelics(whatever the reason) and trying to still use them can lead to very harmful choices and bad consequences. Even if the reason is the seeking of happiness and exploration of reality, not everyone is capable of doing this chemically. Sober reality and mind is what has to be conquered (if you know what i mean), life as it is is extremely beautiful and enjoyable and maybe the deepness and intensity that drug can provide may be too much for some of us. Even if all of us are looking for the same thing, which is happiness. Things work differently for different people, and harming and destroying ones mind is not a very healthy thing to do , instead it can turn out to be a very hellish experience, that actually many people regret. This was specially clear for me after working in a psychiatric unit, where i met lots of drug abuse trainwrecks. The suffering i witnessed there and on my own experience is definitively not worth it. Losing your sanity is not a funny thing and i could happen to everybody. I've been on the edge myself. I don´t know if im making myself clear, i'm rambling to much.

Anyway, i don't think that the mood and energy vampire thing is stupid at all, it makes sense to an extent. Only i do think that you are mistaking it a little bit. I have thought many times of this, and personally i think that it works more in the positive way, in the way that if you are happy and in a proper mood you can expand you good vibes all over the place, it could be dancing, making jokes, flirting with somone, smiling, making eye contact, whatever. But on the other side, in my experience, sad or depressed people are not locking or interrupting others experiend. If you are sad, you have the natural right to be sad, regardless of where you are or who are you with. Furthermore, i would say, that sad people are beautiful in their own way, specially when crying. What really fuck up a moment is ANGRY, AGRESSIVE people. Those who blame others for their own mistakes, who hate themselves so much but deny it and instead of assuming that they are sad they have to transmit their anger and hatred to everyone else, sometimes in very subtles ways, such as irony or humilliating jokes, etc. This kind of people think that they can use others to unload their dark feelings and emotions. And thinking of this, you seem to be just he opposite, you feel extremely guilty of how you make other people feel. Dont feel sorry for being sad, depresive or locked in your own thoughts. No one can blame you for that. Just work through it , let it go, do it for your own sake, can you find any reason for you not to be happy? Don worry if you ever happen to be sad or blue in a party or with other people. Everybody can be. Everyone is sad sometimes, it just happens. Fuck it, really, you are not draining any ones energies by being sad.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for. When i reread it i don't know if i am talking to you or to myself. Anyway, best luck for you and my best advice for you is to stay sober, clear your mind, don't think to much about things, just enjoy life as it is, laugh and love.

Peace.

 

[RedRum OG]

this basically sounds like classic social anxiety brought on by bad trips. simple as that.

 

[SplitInfinitive]

Thank you one and all for your perspective and encouraging words. Most of all, it's good to hear that the energy vampire thing is a load of shit. I'd pretty much convinced myself it was at most manifestation of self-defeating thoughts and was looking to put it to rest. The reinforcement here is helping me do that.

Just about everything you guys said is very true for me. I was, and still am to a certain point, depressed, I pretty much loathed myself at the time, and social anxiety from a bad trip, couldn't be more accurate. Taking those drugs in that amount is probably always a reckless move, and in that situation was just plain dumb. I was looking for a magic bullet to fix my problems and for some reason that seemed like a good idea, in retrospect... yeah, dumb. I've been sober almost 90 days and working with a therapist, getting myself out more, and life is looking up. The original post, more than anything, was just throwing it all out there when I was feeling down, trying to finally exorcise and make sense of the drug experience. A shrink is all well and good, but I figured this would be a good place to get some advice and answers from people with similar experiences. Somehow I felt I needed to hear it from people who had psychedelic experiences, and TDS definitely came through for me! Even in the impersonal realm of cyberspace your sharing is extremely uplifting!

And -kOse-, I can really relate to what you're saying. LSD is a powerful drug, and experiences with it, both positive and negative, will be thus be powerful. It granted me a new understanding of the human condition, and though bad trips made me aware that I wasn't who my ego thought I was, and that I didn't much like myself at the core, for which I'm thankful. Still, I'm putting it on the shelf for a good long time, maybe forever, reality may be trippy enough for my mind. I have a very hard time admitting mental or intellectual shortcomings, and in some ways saying I can't handle acid feels like that, but I probably fall into the category that shouldn't be using it. Your comments about feeling like others are superior souls trying to teach you to how to really have a good time is something I regularly experience. I can only speak for myself, but it seems to stem from a lack of self confidence and feelings of inferiority, something to think about. Reality is, none of us is inferior to or superior to any other. When we get right down to it, we're a soul, no more, no less. As to looking for messages and meaning in everything on weed, I used to do that, and eventually it became overwhelming. I used to think I was a lifer, but giving up weed has done wonders for me. I still look for meaning and messages, but feel it's a more controlled, rational, and realistic searching now. O, and I really like your last paragraph, that's some seriously good for for thought in there.

 

[SplitInfinitive]

O, and griffenspade, what people are saying about not using = great advice. Time and sobriety are helping immensely in recovering from a "REALLY REALLY REALLY fucked up psychotic episode from candyfllipping". If you can, go stone cold sober, I didn't make any real progress in recovering from that shit until I did.

 

[queenscarlet88]

To the original poster: You lack a sense of security, a particular grounded complacency, which the more socially adroit of us possess. I do not possess it myself. My world view -- and probably yours -- is governed by a mad and implacable sense of doubt and therefore fearfulness. Governed, in short, by irrationality; a sort of mild insanity. "Insanity" is merely the absence of soundness, and an unsound mind treated to a psychedelic barrage tends to turn in on upon itself in suicidal surrender.

What you are describing, short version, does not sound like energy vampirism because that term isn't really valid in a metaphysical sense. This is my opinion. Others will disagree.

It sounds like depression.

I used to think that if I went to a party or even over to someone's house when I was feeling depressed or down, that I would 'spoil' it with my mood. Once I regained control over my moods and my attitude toward people and life in general, things got dramatically better.

I thought this way even though I didn't abuse psychedelics or MDxx.

I don't remember what day it was, and still I have my moments where I genuinely want to be alone or with 1-2 close friends at most. A day did arrive when I was able to accept invitations again and I went (still going for the most part!) to everything to which I was invited - distance and other obligations are now the only thing that stand in my way here and there.

I would see a psychiatrist if I were you, and discontinue the drug and alcohol use. Yes, it is possible that the drugs were an issue - that happens to a lot of people and it isn't any fun. To find happiness and peace in your life, deal with your off days when you have them (I had half of one yesterday despite being excited about seeing a show because my stomach was bothering me) and change your attitude. You will give off positive energy simply by smiling, being friendly, and sociable. And guess what? If you surround yourself with the right people and situations, you won't ever have to fake it. Your life will improve. You can hold your shit together. You might even find yourself happy.

See a pro to rule out the big stuff, deal with it together with your pro if there is any, and otherwise, enjoy your life. Enjoying yourself is the best way to develop self-confidence, IME - right behind that was settling my responsibilities, knowing who and what are important, and the occasional dropping everything to rest knowing that even when the party is over, I'm still responsible for my own happiness and that there is no higher priority than that.

I wish you the best, and welcome to Bluelight.

Do you take antidepressants, by any chance? Your exuberant and categorical writing belies a certain glibness, a certain superficiality, which I have observed to be typical of the SSRI- or SNRI-tweaked mind.

 

[SplitInfinitive]

You lack a sense of security, a particular grounded complacency, which the more socially adroit of us possess.

This is very true, and has been since adolescence. I believe I know the roots of it, and am working towards achieving a sense of groundedness. Any advice?

Your exuberant and categorical writing belies a certain glibness, a certain superficiality

I have to admit I was a little taken aback at first, but nice insight. I've never had someone put it like that or be so direct, thank you. And no, I'm not on anti-depressants, although docs have suggested them as an option. I do take 5-HTP twice a day, which I feel may have a similar effect. I don't necessarily feel happy, but it helps ease the anxiety and depression, and aids in motivation. I guess the superficiality comes from a putting up a front. I have a very hard time letting myself show, and to a certain extent don't know how. It's a defense mechanism, and one that served me well in the past, though anymore it's a curse. I think it's somewhat due to always trying to fit in, being insecure, and not possessing a strong sense of self, which may all be the result of bullying and abuse. For a long time I was a master chameleon, but since these bad trips that ability declined. While it's made life difficult, I'm thankful, or at least want to be thankful, for the loss, although a bit scared. It sounds weird, but it's a struggle to figure out who I am under all the layers I've put on. And quite frankly I struggle with ego. On the one hand I know I'm a badass with great gifts, someone with the intelligence to succeed in anything I set my mind to (I graduated fifth in my college class while going to maybe half my classes and spending the entire time stoned and abusing alcohol and drugs), as well as athletic and moderately attractive (see, ego). On the other hand I hate being egotistical, and lack confidence. I struggle to find a balance and oscillate between extremes in pretty much everything I do. As I ramble I don't even know why I touted myself, because I don't like to appear egotistical. I guess I tout myself out of insecurity and need to tell others how "great" I am. Kinda a bunch of bullshit, really. Pretty much until recently my entire life's been a show, to one extent or another, putting on one mask after the other. I did it out of fear of rejection, and continue to do it out of necessity due to a lack of self, and fear of self and rejection. So I guess it's no surprise psychedelics made me lose it, and now that I write this all out I'm amazed they ever worked for me.

But hey, realization's half the battle, right? The drugs helped make me aware of this and I'm working to change it. To be honest though, sometimes I question if I want to. It can be quite comfortable thinking very highly of myself and being liked, at least superficially, by just about everyone. I guess at the core I still want everyone to like me, but I may not be a very likable person. I'm a conflicted individual, in just about every way.

 

[SKL]

Lay off the drugs and seek professional help. You're going through some issues with social connetivity and identity, this is very frequent particularly in our twisted and disconneted culture that we live in today, it is nothing to be ashamed of. You are in a good spot that you have insight enough to realize that all is not well and that is the foundation of being able to better yourself in all systems of thought as regards self improvement.

 

[queenscarlet88]

Oh jeez -- SplitInfinitive, I wasn't calling YOU glib etc. The reason I replied to you, then quoted a block of text from Mariposa, and then wrote the stuff about superficiality, was because I was targeting my first paragraph toward you and my last toward Mariposa. You strike me as being anything but glib. Glibness stems from over-certainty, and neither you nor I seem in much danger of succumbing to THAT folly, at least!

Your discourse in this thread is a doppelganger for what tends to run through my head. I, too, "oscillate between extremes in pretty much everything I do." This holds particularly true regarding the esteem in which I hold myself: either I'm the best, the most attractive, the most thoughtful, the most literate ... or I'm a worthless nothing, the worst in every avenue.

There's the best, and there's the worst, and I assume myself to be the latter in any endeavor in which I do not giddily decree myself to be the former. This black-and-white thinking is a manifestation of the sort of personality to which psychedelics seem to be the most destructive.

The destruction is necessary, though, because the alternative would be to go right on oscillating between delusions of grandeur and fits of self-slander, with nary a pause to even attempt viewing things as they actually are. Perfectionism poisons the intellect, either against itself or against everything else around it (or both at once).

I think it's somewhat due to always trying to fit in, being insecure, and not possessing a strong sense of self, which may all be the result of bullying and abuse.

I was tormented throughout high school because of severe cystic acne all over my face and neck (turned out to be a reaction to eating gluten), so I know all about bullying -- and the even more disheartening mental posture of feeling as though the bullying is deserved.

Habitual drug use, by rendering a person's thoughts and feelings little more than the product of whatever chemical cocktail is currently sluicing through that person's veins, destroys the observant person's sense of self. An unobservant or thoroughly inebriated person can trundle right along from cocktail to cocktail, thought-feeling package to thought-feeling package, and not even notice the dramatic shifts in consciousness. However, the spark of intelligence flares at least occasionally in even the most addled addict, and I think most chronic drug users come to see themselves as lacking strong, independent identity.

I guess at the core I still want everyone to like me, but I may not be a very likable person.

No need for further comment from me; this last quote I've plucked out sums up my own greatest terror.

 

[SplitInfinitive]

O, well shit, guess I was rather self absorbed. Queenscarlet88, I wholly relate to your comments on self esteem.

The destruction is necessary, though, because the alternative would be to go right on oscillating between delusions of grandeur and fits of self-slander, with nary a pause to even attempt viewing things as they actually are. Perfectionism poisons the intellect, either against itself or against everything else around it (or both at once).

These same thoughts, though in great disorder and much less eloquence, were recently spinning through my mind. I often feel similarly, wondering if it is necessary to figuratively raze myself to the ground, or if psychedelics already accomplished that for me. Other times I want to go on riding the rollercoaster, absorbing the lows for the exhilaration of the highs. However, I have to remember the beauty of the world in its own right, without the skew of ego, of living in the moment as it is. I never thought of perfectionism as poison, a hindrance yes, but not pure poison. I'm reading the Big Book for Emotions Anonymous, which hits on some very similar things to what you're writing. It provides one avenue to wellness from this form of illness.

And ain't bullying (or rather being bullied) the pits? don't know if you saw it, but here's a related thread.