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Recovery ENDLESSNAMELESS' Recovery Thread (Heroin, Smoked)

Thank you my friend. Yes I've heard about SMART Recovery, one of the presenters in the radio station I used to be a producer for was always crediting SMART for his recovery from his raging cocaine addiction. Thank you for the reminder, I'm going to look into them momentarily.


Day 20

20mgs Diazepam

I managed to get out on a 45minute cycle as well as take a trip down to the bank to enquire about opening up a new account. Unfortunately you need to set up an appointment with them to open new accounts, so I'm booked in for 11am next Monday. If the girl still has the ticket I'll take it off her then, if not then theres nothing that can be done. I emailed her and told her what the situation was anyway. Also, I would have had to open a new bank account anyway considering I'm applying for work. I suspect it was closed due to it being inactive for so long (~18months).

On a scale of 1-10 (1 being me feeling back to normal and 10 being me considering suicide) my depression is fluctuating between a 7 and an 8. Its been like that since I stopped using though and while I feel awful in myself, at least is not getting any worse. Going to apply for a few jobs now while I'm at the laptop. If I managed to get hired I know that would do alot to improve my overall sense of wellbeing. Its not going to stop my depression as thats a neurochemical issue due to PAWS that will fade away with time, but it'll make that time go by quicker as I'll be filling my days with something productive and will introduce some normalcy into my life once again. Like I've said before, all I want for the moment is a regular 9-5 and some structure in my life. Its not a lot to ask for, I don't think.
 
Endless had a four day lapse. It was all complete crap and a serious waste of money. I dont think it will have too much of an impact on me. Having said that, considering I'm feeling mild sweats/chills/insomnia I'd typically consider it proper that I zero this off, however doing that is driving me nuts as is counting individual days in general. By the way, the trigger was a social occasion with family. Far too early to be doing things like that I've learned. Same thing that happened last year when the girl asked me out after almost 3 weeks clean and I ran out and scored because I forgot how to act around sober people and my self-esteem was in the gutter.

Anyway I'm not going to let this get me any more emotionally down than I already am. I had to go to the hospital today for my final liver scan to make sure all was still well (it was) and they discharged me. I took Xanax - 1.25mgs and Diazepam 15mgs which while preventing a panic attack from occurring, sent me groggy and extremely sleepy so I fell asleep when I got home. I know I wont sleep when I hit the hay momentarily so I'm going to pop a 300mg Lyrica of which I have 5 and am very thankful for as they will be my best friend over the coming 5 nights ahead. Have 35 15mg/500mg co-codomol a friend gave to me in exchange for lending her €20 (which was my last, meaning I couldn't score even if I wanted to which was fine with me). They'll help with the sweats/chills if nothing else.

Now for the 300mg Lyrica and to hit the hay.
 
It happens, don't let the day count reset frustrate you, all that matters is moving forward. (I let the day count resets frustrate me though, so maybe it is what it is). You obviously want to stop, this 4 days could have turned into much more so be glad its just a couple days of feeling under the weather and not full out sick!

I know what you mean on signing up for things during early recovery- family get togethers/dates/etc- it's not easy. I try to remind myself that in the past, most of the times I've gotten clean were in treatment. Sitting around taking it easy for 60-90 days and then popping out into the world with 3 months under my belt. This time around doing it at home I'm constantly trying to find a balance between showing up for my responsibilities and giving myself a break. Trying to work, pay bills, cook/eat, be a friend or family member at under 30 days is hard. It takes a lot out of me at least. Sometimes I just have to say no to things. Or take that hour break in the middle of the day literally just to rest my brain and body. I figure in the long run a few easier weeks, a few hours of break here or there are nothing if it keeps me clean and not breaking me.
 
My laptop screen broke so I'm on my phone. Very down. My anxiety is reaching unbearable levels.

Im calling my (new) GP first thing Monday morning to get a referral to a mental health professional. While Im there, Im going to see if she can prescribe some clonidine. Will that help with the chills/sweats?

I'll try for some Lyrica too as it helps with the insomnia and to a small degree with the anxiety. Thankfully I had 3 x 300mgs remaining, so I took one 5mins ago (I mean its 3:15am and Im wide awake and if theres anything that'll cause me to use it'll be the insomnia; doubly so in combination with the maddening anxiety, RLS and sweats/chills).

Does anyone have any experience with Lofexidine just out of curiosity? Apparently its available via the Irish HSE however my previous GP (who specialises in MAT) never mentioned it - nor clonidine for that matter.

I really didnt want to start out at my first appointment with her by asking for a prescription for anything but if I dont get something to help I'll end up using again and being even more miserable. The worst that can happen is that she says no. My plan-B for that is going back to my previous GP and forking over a small fortune (€60 for the visit and around €30-45 / €15 for each medication in the detox kit.

Even if she wont entertain the idea of prescribing me comfort meds its wont be an entirely wasted venture as I need to see her to get referred to a psychologist anyway in regards to treating my anxiety/depression - because heroin and benzos aren't the way.

Now, the psychologist will be via the HSE so it will be quite a wait - 6 months at least, a year at most.

The past two times I've sobered up the depression and anxiety vanished after 2-3 weeks. I suppose its because its been a while that Im scared - scared that it wont and that I'll still feel like this several weeks from now.

Ill make a post tomorrow to keep my mind engaged. It helps me organise my thoughts. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone is well.
 
Clonidine is suppose to help with sweats, it’s sometimes prescribed for women in menopause for this reason. I don’t know about the chills.

I hope you are able to get both clonidine and Lyrica, just be careful with dependence on the Lyrica, I hear the withdrawals are bad.

You are doing awesome, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Let us know how the appointment goes.
 
endlessnameless said:
My laptop screen broke so I'm on my phone. Very down. My anxiety is reaching unbearable levels.

Im calling my (new) GP first thing Monday morning to get a referral to a mental health professional. While Im there, Im going to see if she can prescribe some clonidine. Will that help with the chills/sweats?

I'll try for some Lyrica too as it helps with the insomnia and to a small degree with the anxiety. Thankfully I had 3 x 300mgs remaining, so I took one 5mins ago (I mean its 3:15am and Im wide awake and if theres anything that'll cause me to use it'll be the insomnia; doubly so in combination with the maddening anxiety, RLS and sweats/chills).

Does anyone have any experience with Lofexidine just out of curiosity? Apparently its available via the Irish HSE however my previous GP (who specialises in MAT) never mentioned it - nor clonidine for that matter.

I really didnt want to start out at my first appointment with her by asking for a prescription for anything but if I dont get something to help I'll end up using again and being even more miserable. The worst that can happen is that she says no. My plan-B for that is going back to my previous GP and forking over a small fortune (€60 for the visit and around €30-45 / €15 for each medication in the detox kit.

Even if she wont entertain the idea of prescribing me comfort meds its wont be an entirely wasted venture as I need to see her to get referred to a psychologist anyway in regards to treating my anxiety/depression - because heroin and benzos aren't the way.

Now, the psychologist will be via the HSE so it will be quite a wait - 6 months at least, a year at most.

The past two times I've sobered up the depression and anxiety vanished after 2-3 weeks. I suppose its because its been a while that Im scared - scared that it wont and that I'll still feel like this several weeks from now.

Ill make a post tomorrow to keep my mind engaged. It helps me organise my thoughts. Thanks for reading and I hope everyone is well.
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Clonidine absolutely helps with the hot/cold flashes, the sweats that go with it, and (for me) the tightness in my chest/overall discomfort that leads to some of my anxiety during WD.

To my knowledge, Lofexidine is somewhat similar to clonidine -maybe considered a newer better version. In the US is thousands of dollars so I never really looked into it much. Honestly, for heroin WD clonidine is a godsend.
 
I'll post a proper update later, however I just wanted to pop on and say that a crowd of absolute *loons* have decided to employ me and I start my first shift at 6am. My use has been scant and I do still have sweats, insomnia and anxiety (which I went to the new doctor about that time I aforementioned) which I'll update about when I get off later, but this is exactly what I need. Sitting at home every day, unemployed, broke and depressed because of it is enough to drive anyone either mad, to substance use/abuse or both so now that Ill be back in a routine can only be a good thing for me. Ive taken something for the anxiety and I feel Ill be ok. Looking forward to getting back to normal.

Main reason I haven't been updating is because my laptop crapped out on me about two months ago and post via this phone is a nightmare so Ill leave it at this for now as Im off for a shower and to get ready ad I have to catch the work bus at 5am for which I need to leave for at 4:15am. I wouldnt have slept naturally anyway and if I had taken a sleeping pill I would have ran the risk of not making it on time, and with having been out of work for 18 months I'm very fortunate to have heen granted this chance. I CANNOT fuck this up.

I'll post the second part to this update after my shift this afternoon.

Anywhoodles wish me luck BL fam, Im nervous as its my first day and this means so, so much to me as it means my life is going in the direction I've been wanting and oh so desperately needinv it to go on for a long time now. Heres to moving onwards and upwards 👊🏻💥💯
 
Congratulations on the new job! Good luck on your first day. I always get nervous starting a new job also, but it’s good to have a change of pace and meet new people. Let us know how it goes.

❤️
Kris
 
Thank you so much for all your kind words and well wishes. Im srill working away, 8 weeks in so far. Ive decided to go on 25mls of methadone for no more than 3 weeks then ween down and off. I did the same before and managed to get on and off 20mls within 3 months. Juggling a full time job along with a habit is just far too difficult and Im COMPLETELY DONE with this entire lifestyle.
I have next Friday and Saturday off, so Im going to call my GP (who happens to be an addiction specialist) tomorrow and hopefully get an appointment for next friday the 23rd to discuss how to go about it. Hopefully within 4-6 weeks max I should be either off or in the process of weaning off.

Just wanted to make that update. Ok, better head off for my 6am-2pm shift. Hope everyone is doing well and thank you again for reading my rants.

I'll keep regular updates as to how this final phase goes, as by virtue of having landed this job I consider myself 50% of the way 'there'. Some of youbmay be wondering why I didnt get clean BEFORE getting the job, however if you look through this thread you'll see that I tried that several times and although I successfully detoxed a number of times I inevitably relapsed because upon getting clean I had nothing gLooking oing on in my life. The job market was god awful (still is; this is a minimum wage job but its a job and when you have a job you'll get a job) and all my friends around the area were (and still are) using with absolutely no desire to stop so relapses were just bound to happen. Yes, ai tried to stay away from them but that resulted in me self isolating which was causing ne to become agoraphobic so it was very much necessaryfor me to forst land a job THEN tackle the heroin habit (which as heroin habits go is really only a baby habit this time around ie 1-2 €20 bags a day max).

I very much look forward to breaking free and being able to enjoy my hard earned money as opposed to having to spend most of it on crap (or even on the rare occasions good) quality brown. Once I make this appointment and get on the 25mls I'll ve over the moon.

EDIT: A question for those of you in the know: Is Suboxone/Subutex more difficult to get off than Methadone?

Like I said, I'll be returning to making regular updates as soon as I make this appointment with my GP/Addiction specialist and will be documenting how the process of getting on and off a low dose over tge course of ~4-5 weeks max goes. From previous experience Ive found, at least in my case, that being on methadone for any longer than that isnt necessary.

All the best my friends 👊🏻💥💯
 
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Appointment with GP for tomorrow at 4pm. Finish work at 2pm and should arrive in the city center by 15:15pm which gives me 45mins to make it out to her (I'll make it as long nothing goes wrong ie cancelled buses or being hit by one). Unfortunately she didnt have any free slots for Friday wh8ch is one of my days off this week but it just means no dilly-dallying and heading straight there from the city center. As long as I keep focused and locked in to the mission I'll make it. worst comes to worst I can get a taxi as I get oaid tomorrow morning.

Happy to be going ahead with this. I just hope Im not waiting long to get on a program as its a matter of urgency; I missed another day of work this week because I was too sick to go in. I mean they dont GAF but I do as at the end of the day I'm the one losing out on €108 for missing the damn shift all over a €20 bag of H 🤦🏻🤦🏻🤦🏻

Ordered 100mls of methadone for tomorrow just in case theres a week (or more) wait, which if this is the case I can transition myself onto the methadone or at least ne using it more than the H because I know they're obviously going to want to see a UA thats positive for opioids so I cant fully transition onto methadone before giving that initial UA.

Heres to hoping the tomorrow goes well and heres to the first step towards leaving this all behind me.
 
Ok, so I made my appointment on time yesterday and the Dr was extremely understanding of my situation. He wasjust baffled that I didnt come sooner and put mysef through all that torture of going CT every week. He said he would gone mad...I said I have.

So hes going to organise it for me so that I can go on a low dose and said he woukd have me on and off it in no longer than 6 months. Id like to do it in half that time, but we'll see how it goes. Hes going to call me back in about 10 days and I should be starting then. Very glad I made this decision.

One thing I forgot to mention (as I was in withdrawals and having a panic attack 8n his office) was that Im working full-time and by virtue of my circumstances this can only work for me as long as I can get weekly take aways, however Im sure this wont be a problem. I will call on Monday and leave a message for him.
 
endlessnameless said:
Ok, so I made my appointment on time yesterday and the Dr was extremely understanding of my situation. He wasjust baffled that I didnt come sooner and put mysef through all that torture of going CT every week. He said he would gone mad...I said I have.

So hes going to organise it for me so that I can go on a low dose and said he woukd have me on and off it in no longer than 6 months. Id like to do it in half that time, but we'll see how it goes. Hes going to call me back in about 10 days and I should be starting then. Very glad I made this decision.

One thing I forgot to mention (as I was in withdrawals and having a panic attack 8n his office) was that Im working full-time and by virtue of my circumstances this can only work for me as long as I can get weekly take aways, however Im sure this wont be a problem. I will call on Monday and leave a message for him.
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Congrats on everything. I've only read a little but it sounds like you've made some huge (successful) steps. Keep it up!
 
En route to pick up my first methadone take away. Prescription is for a week and I have to go to the pharmacy every 3 days. Its 30mls a day and the plan is to be getting off some time in May. Happy to no longer have work my arse off all week only to eventually hand the majority of it over to scumbags.

Getting there folks.
 
Meets and Greets my friends, just a quick update via phone to say that all is going well, Im still taking my 30mls a day and have been able to get weekly take aways for the past 3 weeks due to giving clean urines. The only thing showing up in my UAs is benzos but the Doctor is cool with that. Very nice guy to be honest - lucky to have one thats so understanding.

Will post a more detailed update next time around as I should be getting a new laptop sometime over the next two weeks.

I hope you are all doing well 😊
Warm Regards,
Endless
 
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