Endless depression destroying my future Maybe drugs? I'm giving up on life in January

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I really don't know what I am going to do. My life is going nowhere, just an endless span of severe depression with these occasional short improvements lasting a couple of days or maybe a week so I feel like I am getting better and I start getting hopeful and thinking life can be better, then I am so quickly crushed as if God is smashing me into the dirt and I hate it. I am sick of it. I want to find a way to end this and get out of what seems like an invisible, inescapable prison or hell. I have never been happy - even when I was 5 or 6 years old I'd frequently feel sad and empty, and like I was different and did not belong and it just changed slowly for a while, sadness and emptiness not worsening till I was maybe 9 or so, but I did become paranoid a lot that my parents were scientists and I was their experiment or maybe an alien hybrid (LOL at the crazy little kid if you want). I also thought adults could read my mind (that is my mom's fault - she was always saying she knew what my brother and I were thinking without us opening our mouths. I figured I'd get the power too when I was old enough).

Things are like that off and on and the sadness reaches a level I am sure would be clinical by the time I am 10 or 11. By age 14 I am suicidal and try twice. At 16, I am full of rage, suicidal, paranoid, psychotic, and sometimes going a week without sleep and I am not using drugs, except rare cases of taking more nortriptyline than I was supposed to for the high and the sleep that followed. I think cameras are everywhere, someone is in the attic watching on a monitor, I am ashamed to like or care about anything I like, love, or find interesting and I think everyone knows what those things are, none of which were bad - I just felt ashamed of everything for no reason. I was hearing voices some, all were negative toward me or saying words like suicide or turn the wheel (that meaning into an oncoming 18-wheeler). The people where I worked did talk about me and make fun of me - they'd do it to my face and behind my back calling me retard and psycho, I need electroshock therapy, and insinuated I would commit a mass killing or something. This made it even worse since I was hearing the actual people and voices in my head.

That episode stayed the same until I got the HBWR seeds I purchased on eBay. I took a large dose and thought the bad trip might make me kill myself (it was my first trip). It was a Hellish trip but all of that depression and psychosis faded as it wore off. I was able to manage my depression like that for several years but it got less effective and then I was back to a constant less severe depression for a year or two at which time it deteriorated and I became suicidal - this partially because my future was dead. I had no money to go to college and I was stuck. One day I decide to buy a box of poppies. That is when I decided I'd go to college if at all possible and got info on pell grants and I started shortly after. This worked great for about 3 years and then started failing (I did have a GPA of like 3.92 before the poppies stopped working but then things go to hell).

Now some years and suicide attempts later, there is nothing to help the depression/Bipolar disorder. Psychiatric meds don't help or make it worse. Opiates stop me from being suicidal temporarily but they get me nowhere. Maybe with an endless supply I could function happily, and if I shitted gold I'd spread the wealth and we could all be rich.

I wish somehow the depression I have felt the last couple of years may be from using opiates or something, seeing how the poppies became less effective, but even if that was it, I don't think I can quit long enough to find out. For most of several months, I have spent up to several hours most nights crying and wanting to die or somehow be taken out of this place. I hate it and I hate life. I've said before, but I was adopted. Yesterday I just started talking without thinking while trying not to cry about how good it would feel to choke the bitch that squeezed me out her cunt and smile in her dying eyes for not having an abortion. That was extremely mean to my real mom (she could have properly disposed of me too, but I will not say that to her, I usually don't think that way). I had also started on about being the product of rape and incest - don't know why I get that thought.

Now I skip another semester of college and I am seeing almost no hope that I'll ever go back. My life is never going to be better but it could get worse. I don't want to die, I hope there is another way besides that but I can't live on like this. I think it would be cruel to expect someone to stay alive when all they will feel is the pain of depression along with all the deaths of everyone they love. It may be worse for me because I don't know how to get to know people and make friends so I will just have my pets when my mom dies (the other people will go their own ways and I will still be here) and I really think she is getting a lot worse from the way she acts. This I am sure is her last full year on Earth, above ground at least.

I hate being alive and it would have really been a lot better if I had never been born, trash of God.
I want to know if anyone thinks I could feel depressed from opiates, benzos, tripping, any drug given the history I described. If it is drugs and getting clean would fix the problem or make it a lot better, that would be fantastic news to me because I do not otherwise see any hope at all of ever getting out of this until I take my life (my plan is wait till January to see if there is improvement and if not, then I lock myself in a cellar with no key at night to overdose on insulin so I can't get out or be heard screaming but I need to read more about it). No need to worry about a suicide that won't occur for months and only then if my condition is as unchangeable as it seems.

I don't want to just hear "Don't kill yourself" or that kind of thing, I want to know what if anything I should possibly try to get out of this before I reach that time. I'm not going to live a life not worth living much longer. I didn't choose to be born into this life but I sure as hell can choose to die into the death I choose, unless I am actually already dead in Hell and this is my punishment for everything I did so I can't die again. That is not likely, but I keep trying to kill myself, nearly die of accidental ODs, pass out on the shitter and go face down in a pan of water without waking (somebody heard it) so it just seems too hard to die for this to be normal. And I have done lots of sub-suicidal things that posed some risk of death. It does sometimes give me that fear I could be in some kind of Hell. Maybe we all are and just don't know it.

I just really want out and there is no way out. It can make me want to slam my body hard into the wall. Sometimes I just wish I could magically be removed from this place or repaired into someone who doesn't hate being alive. Of course nothing ever happens. I pray but if God is there, he only says no to me.

Anyway, fuck this life. I am sick of it.
Nothing ever changes in my life unless it gets worse or I feel better just enough to get some hope to crush again.

I wish someone could give opinions about a course of action I could consider or maybe what they think the problem is. If it is relevant, there was a whole lot of abuse all around me from birth until nearly 18 which may have triggered it to begin with.

 

[Erikmen]

Have you been treated for depression?

 

[Xorkoth]

I didn't know you were in this bad of a place man. I will say that the opiates are probably making it a lot worse, I assume you're dependent the way you talk about them. I was always a happy person and I got on opiates and after years of that I was suicidally depressed too... this past September through January I fantasized about dying every single day. I got off opiates with ibogaine and ever since I have been back to my happy self.

Now your situation sounds different for sure because you have basically always been depressed. But I mentioned my experience because I am quite sure that addiction is making things even worse for you. It may be that without addiction to drugs you'd be able to work to pull yourself out of this. Have you been treated specifically for depression? Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy? This is the only life you have so I think you should try anything you can before you give up on it.

I wouldn't recommend this to just anyone but if it's to the point that you are already planning a suicide, I'd say anything is worth trying that has a chance of success... I found ibogaine to have an incredibly powerful effect on my life, in a positive way. I've done all sorts of psychedelics both for fun and to try to work through things, and even though I took ibogaine to get rid of opiate addiction (which it worked beautifully for), it had a lot more far-reaching effects on my life than that. Ever since I have had this sparkle and motivation, motivation to better myself, learn about myself, become a more well-adjusted and healthier person. I'm making huge strides and every week, if not every day, feels like an adventure and I'm excited to get up each morning to see what life will bring. It's a very far cry from where I was 6 months ago and for years before that. Like I said, I feel a little hesitant recommending it to people in general, but it's worth a try before you try to off yourself, if nothing else is working.

There's always hope. Life can be really hard to navigate sometimes. It sounds like you have some deeply rooted issues that are causing you a tremendous amount of pain. The thing I would suggest first is therapy, find a good therapist who you can talk to and be honest with, and who can start you on the path to figuring out why you've been miserable most of your life.

 

[Erikmen]

Addiction makes every single issue of your life look worst. It´s a terrible feeling when you know that you find comfort in chemicals and nothing else. I know the feeling. It is treatable though. There are drugs that could help you and I believe that therapy can also make you think differently. Not in a day or in a week but in due course. You will feel better gradually. Most of people, with or without the addiction problem has gone through depression at some point in life with the some of the feelings you describe and from my experience it does feel better after some time, if you are properly treated.
It´s possible that your motivation or lack of it drives you down.
I agree with the Xorkoth when it´s said that there are always hope. Life surely gets negative and sometimes we just do not feel capable to resolve.
You are not alone, and if you feel that you are, seek for help. There are plenty of people in different areas that can deal with your issues.
You have already initiated the process by talking about your problem. Now you should go on and try to find what makes you happy, a hobby maybe, exercise, therapy, etc.
I wish you good luck!

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I have been depressed since I was 11 years old and tried to kill myself twice when I was 14 and six times as an adult. It started way before the drugs and there was no break in it until I was 18. Psychedelics seemed to help a lot for a long time but either they became less effective so I did them more often and they stopped working, they failed because I abused them, or they just failed. I started using poppies after that and have been using hydrocodone and rarely other opiates every day for years now. Benzos as well, but my depression was at least as bad before I started drugs for years. Really got bad at age 13/14 and I have already mentioned that. I have been depressed nearly all the time since the poppies stopped working. I did go off them for a while but then got back to self mutilation with lots of burning and I started using again because nothing could relieve what I felt.

I've been on so many different antidepressants that don't work, some made things worse. Some made me feel better a while and then it stopped working and never worked much. And I am fucked in the head as you can see from the post. I don't think it is normal for an 8 year old to be sticking needles in their body, most would be afraid of it. I'm not going to go into what all went on when I was growing up, just say parents disposing of animals/abusing them/having me beat dogs to make them stop barking, dad always making death threats, brother ridiculed for his psychiatric issues, occasional moderate physical violence against my mom by my dad and various things. I tried to make myself stop caring but it did not work well and I did bad things I regretted trying to become cold hearted but I could not completely kill those feelings and what I did made it worse. I have forgiven myself and I don't have bad feelings toward my family - my mom has pretty much completely changed. She has described what I can only call serious physical torture inflicted on her as a child and my dad recently told me that he was unable to express love because nobody cared about him when he was growing up, so they had traumatic upbringings as well. I tried to get them to go to marriage counseling or for the whole household to go. A nephew who lives here has some serious psychiatric issues and has been suicidal before. We were both in the same mental institution at the same time but not the same building.

I have really wanted to try ibogaine to see if it could work for me. I can also say psychedelics and weed are really the only drugs I would like to continue using. They rarely make me feel worse; usually I feel tired but okay the next day and then at least a day or two of feeling better and more functional.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I but I mostly have bad mixed episodes, only a few hypomanic episodes and a major manic episode last winter.

The only thing I can really get a good feeling of any significance from without lots of drugs is being with my pets or trying to raise awareness about issues I care about (I have 7,000 followers on Google+ and keep getting more, so people will see it, a couple said they would donate money) but the latter I often can't enjoy or do at all without a large enough dose of multiple drugs (hydrocodone being most important). I told my nephew I'd go see a couple of movies with him he wants to see (Guardians of the Universe and a tornado movie I forgot the name of - I wish I wanted to see it because it is 3D and it would be the closest thing to a real one I have seen even though I have gone storm chasing a few times) but I have been to depressed to turn a fucking tv on, let alone go to a theatre. They probably have stopped playing by now


Xorkoth:
Reading your response actually made me a bit tingly, just seeing what you were able to gain from that experience. You probably should not worry about giving me that recommendation anyway because I'm going to trip anyway - if it could be on something that could help me get off of opiates, this would be an ideal choice. It is very expensive, at least what I have seen but if it could improve my situation, I would save up the money for that instead of buying more of a less expensive one. I was considering electroconvulsive therapy and studies have shown that it likely causes brain damage in at least some patients and animal tests showed tiny hemorrhages in the brains. I don't think my drug use has damaged my brain much if any because during the brief breaks in the depression I am able to do and understand complex things like calculus and physics as well as I used to, at least after a refresher on those things. When my depression is bad, my mind doesn't work too well though.

I do not have the money to go to long therapy sessions. I can see a psychiatrist like half an hour or so once a month. I am trying to get on disability (just until I don't need it anymore - whether I am dead or my condition improves to the point I don't need it - I could get better therapy and I really can't work in the state I have been in so long). It makes me feel like a parasite though. I already have a negative value and my life is really like a debt on the world and no currency exists that can pay it and now I am trying to leech off of the government.

I really can't be expected to not kill myself if my life just stays like it is. I guess my mom still being alive might cause me to wait because I don't want to break her heart. I would also have to find a home in another state for my raccoon due to the laws in my state. But these things would just stop me for a short time. I think my mom will die before next year ends. She says she won't and she is fine but I can tell by the way she moves and everything that she is getting closer to death. My dad may be getting dementia. He will call a person by the wrong name like 4 times sometimes before he gets it right. Maybe he is getting Alzheimer's.

Killing myself without taking care of issues I need to take care of would be more difficult but I have tried before and I don't know that it is fair to expect someone to stay alive for others when one does not want to live.

I hope I can start wanting to live but I don't know how. I have also tried cutting my hydrocodone dose, but things get so bad when I do that I just can't take it and I go right back to it. I don't think I can quit. Perhaps I could stop with the benzos (but keep some around for really bad trips or severe agitation). I just don't see things getting better after all this time. I think maybe my brain developed in such a way that it is permanently wired into this kind of state.

Most of the time I hate every breath I take. Even when I want to do something really bad, I can't get myself to do it. It is like part of me is dead already.

I almost overdosed on a mix of drugs yesterday. I could not be woken and my mom kept check on my blood pressure and pulse because they were low (she said she thought it went down to 95/48 and my pulse to 39). I could barely walk for a while after I woke up.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, yeah I know you're a tripper, hence why I suggested ibogaine. Have you read my report? If not: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/723353-Ibogaine-(flood-dose)-First-Time-Into-The-Flood (it's really fucking long but I recommend you read it). If you're interested in it further, PM me, we can chat about it. Yeah it's expensive but it's more than worth it. Ibogaine is singular in its ability to realign your life, it's difficult to believe something like it exists but it does. Before you check out, give it a try, it may be something that can actually help you. I've gained a lot from various psychedelics but none have helped me a tenth as much as ibogaine has. It's not like classic psychedelics where you have a peak experience and realize things about reality/consciousness, it's on a deeper/different level than that, difficult to explain but my report does as good a job as I am able.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

^I will definitely read the report and I think you've already done something good for me - I definitely don't want to end my life if I can have some kind of chance with Ibogaine of maybe turning my life around. Death is not what I really want. I just want the pain to stop and I want a chance at finishing my education so maybe I can try to aim for my dreams and make contributions to the understanding of non-human minds and possibly help change how people view non human animals in some positive way. This next paragraph is just about some experiments/observations I was starting before I gave up and some things I would like to aim for in the future if I could feel better so you can skip it since it isn't that important for this exchange of messages.

I know from having a raccoon and a macaw that animals not commonly kept as pets and considered wild animals (especially the raccoon, they are rare as pets) that they can feel as much as animals that people would not normally kill/find it abhorrent (dogs, cats, probably my macaw though they aren't common) but people kill raccoons all the time - hunting being a leading cause of death - they usually live 3 years or less in the wild but more like 15 years as pets. My raccoon is as gentle as a dog, playful, seems more intelligent than any pet I have had other than my macaw. I have mentioned some mirror tests I am wanting to do and the raccoon (Lucky) has reacted in a way when shown mirrors (including the first one he saw) like he may recognize his reflection (he definitely knows it is not another animal, but I couldn't tell if he understood what it was), something most animals do not seem to do - I do have to do more to find out - putting a small amount of paint or if possible sticking something to the top of his head without him feeling it there and seeing if he tries to get it off when looking in a mirror is what I was thinking of trying but then I just stopped. If an animal uses a mirror to look at parts of their body they can't see without a mirror, that is a sign. Generally people are more likely to care about and less likely to want to harm species considered more intelligent so if I could find species capable of this that haven't been checked for types of behavior like self recognition, it could improve the lives and treatment of those animals (many things other than mirror tests could be done but I'm just doing it myself to find out things and my resources will be to limited for more).

I'd like to do more complicated research into the minds of animals. I have things I want to do in life instead of just existing as a parasite. If I could get out of this depression that just seems to control my life, I would want to live and I might be capable of making a positive impact doing something I love.

I don't want to hurt anyone and leave/abandon my pets with suicide. I just can't take what I have been experiencing forever. One way or another, something has to improve. I'm tired of often needing to drink or piss for 2 or 3 hours but not having the motivation to go do it (or all day sometimes for drinking until my mom started bringing drinks and food in my room because I would not eat regularly or drink very much due to lack of motivation and desire). It isn't always like that with food, drinks, and pissing but that is how it is for everything else and it feels so bad to want to do something bad and not be able to make yourself do it even when it is something very simple.

About the Ibogaine - would you recommend trying to get it if I can still find a source and doing it at home or going to a clinic maybe in Mexico or something? I'm not sure I still have any place I can get it from but I'm sure I can find another if so - hopefully would not be ripped off as much as it costs.

Your posts have improved my mood at least now - I guess it gives me hope. I'm going to try to get myself out of the house today if my mood doesn't deteriorate to much before I get the chance. I'll maybe go to the walking track this evening, it is in a wooded area that is just nice to get to. Haven't been there in about six months. That tornado movie isn't in 3D, so I don't want to see it. My nephew said it was but he was wrong. The other movie is 3D so I might take him to see that in about two hours unless I start feeling to bad to do anything again. Don't know if I can sustain a mood that allows me to do things that long or not. I told my nephew I would take him like 3 weeks ago and haven't done it. I don't like to just say I'll do something and not do it just because I feel bad.

I may have found something that could allow me to tolerate lowering my hydrocodone dose some as I noticed both times I felt better the following day - 1,4 Butanediol (converts to GHB in the body). I know that is not a solution as I would just be substituting one drug for another, but maybe just lowering my tolerance so I don't need as much might help some while I try to obtain ibogaine. I'd stop the 1,4 butanediol after I got my tolerance lower. I don't think it is likely I could just quit though because I get both suicidal and self destructive in other ways when I go too long without hydrocodone or reduce the dose to a level that prevents withdrawal but does little for my mood - (self mutilation, ingesting poison, injecting filthy things into my body - this is disgusting and maybe you will dislike me for it, but actual shit is a typical ingredient). I made one suicide attempt while I was low on hydrocodone - tried to cut open the vein where blood is drawn and another large vein on my arm and I cut deep but somehow I missed the veins even though it looked like I cut right over them. I may not have done it if I could have popped more pills to kill the pain, I just don't know as I was thinking about suicide a lot before I ran low.

I don't know if trying to lower my dose by using another substance with addiction potential is a good move (it does not seem like psychological addiction would be much of a risk even though I find it quite pleasant as I don't have a desire to keep using more but I know it is physically addictive and don't know how safe/dangerous it is).

I hope I don't just give up without trying. I do that a lot.

I'm also sorry for being such a negative person. I don't really like making posts like this that are depressing to whoever reads them. I really don't have anyone I can talk to about this, at least not all of it. I'm not going to just lay it all out like that for my mom because she does not need that. I feel bad for bothering people on Bluelight with my negativity.

If I thought very many people wanted me to go away I would just stop posting. If anyone would like that, I would not get angry or dislike them if they want me to leave so I would like anyone who would like me to take my negativity away to tell me and you don't have to be nice about it or anything. This is not aimed at anyone and I don't think anyone wants me gone that bad. I definitely am not aiming this at you, Xorkoth.

I often feel like people think I am lying about the depression and all that because it just isn't normal for someone to be like I was when I was a little kid or now for that matter and it is not normal to try suicide 8 times or to fail that many times and some of the methods carried a really high risk of death, I would think (including eating all those Amanita virosa, AKA Destroying Angel mushrooms when I was 14 and a massive overdose last year waking up on a respirator).

I wish none of it was true. I don't know why the fuck I don't just die. Injecting shit should be pretty dangerous even if it is in muscle instead of veins also, I would think and I did that a lot as a teenager and never got sick or got abscesses. I've had serious accidental overdoses. It just seems like my life is hard to end (but I am sure my insulin OD plan would work - hope it won't come to that). I do not know how I have done all that to my body without destroying it. Maybe injecting water mixed with shit and other dirty things isn't as dangerous as it sounds, I don't know. I think I have only done that once in the last two years but I may have done it more and just don't remember.

And again, sorry for posting about my problems and my fucked up head and being such a negative person. I'm not trying to make anyone else feel bad if they read this.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think that there's a lot that you can do to help overcome your depression but I will avoid talking about all of them here, out of respect for the forum guidelines and knowing that not all things work for all people.

You're welcome to PM me if you want man, I have PTSD and I still have really rough parts of days, but each day for me is a good day now. Much

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, I'm really glad you have some hope. PM me about ibogaine if you want, I know a lot, having gone through it myself. The clinics are the safest bet (if you can find a good recommendation, as some of them are scams), but they're FAR more expensive and it seems that they all like to use pure ibogaine HCl instead of a mix of HCl and total alkaloid extract which IMO is very important to the complete experience. Doing it at home is much cheaper but you need to seriously plan and seriously have full supervision for 3 days or more because you will be utterly removed from reality and as you emerge it will be possible to move around and interact... it will seem like you're aware of what's going on but in reality you aren't, or at least you aren't fully enough to be able to take care of yourself. If a trip sitter is important for any psychedelic, it's ibogaine.

 

[Evil0ner]

Have you been in a relationship with anyone? Having someone you can talk to about anything your going through, your thoughts, feelings, and emotions can do a world of good. You also get the added benefit of getting laid.(which helps by releasing dopamine in your system) to me the best part is having someone who you can share your life with and know your not alone in this world. Plus to me going to bed with your s/o and waking up next to them is one of the best things in the world. (That is if you truly love them, and they you). I truly wish you the best of luck!

 

[deficiT]

Tryptamine_Dreamer, I wish I had positive words for you. I don't right now. But I do want to say that you are not alone. Your story is eerily similar to mine. I attempted to take my life last May, and it was a complete miracle that I survived. I have learned from it, and decided I don't want to die. But the hopelessness and despair never truly have left me, and today in particular has been extremely difficult. I hope you find some peace, and all I really can say is, please don't give up. There are good things to live for, sometimes they are just elusive, but only temporarily.

I don't find drugs to be the cause of this problem, alot of my issues stem from childhood trauma and grief. My father died when I was young, and my mother abandoned me by the time I was 3. But certainly drug abuse has exacerbated my mental issues. It is something to be very careful around, especially like stimulants have been the worst. Due to the nature of comedowns and extreme paranoia.

 

[Xorkoth]

Have you been in a relationship with anyone? Having someone you can talk to about anything your going through, your thoughts, feelings, and emotions can do a world of good. You also get the added benefit of getting laid.(which helps by releasing dopamine in your system) to me the best part is having someone who you can share your life with and know your not alone in this world. Plus to me going to bed with your s/o and waking up next to them is one of the best things in the world. (That is if you truly love them, and they you). I truly wish you the best of luck!

God I miss this. You're so right.