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ENdless cycle of dope habit guilt killing me

J

jake99

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so im 30 now almost 31 and after trying to get clean for years rehab jail etc i went away from NJ for a year but had to come back and now im back caught up in the habit goin to cop every day and the things i have to do to get money for it are killin me with guilt. basicaly i have had to steal and even trying to use suboxone to stop the H and xanax i just cant seem to stop myself..............so i can basically come clean with my family which would blow up into a hugh mess, or hope to stop on my own and hope they dont find out what ive done , which they may or may not . AA hasnt seemed to help since i cant seem to be honest with ppl there...........i also suffer from bad depression and anxiety and H seems to be only thing that takes it away . any advice ? if i keep goin at this rate im either goin to totally lose my family unless i hide it from them or else and up gettin locked up again gettin caught in the hood one day . i dont see much of a point in a rehab since ive been in tons and they never help .
any avice ? i feel like im gonna be a dopefiend rest of my life.
 
Sounds tricky man, I was addicted to h and through the methadone and sub program managed to get myself clean, it wasn't easy and in still riding out paws now which is frankly exhausting, everyday I still get the urge to use and where I work is literally a 5 min walk to the spot where I used to score. I feel you pain bud. I would recommend maybe trying either talking to a doc and getting on methadone or subs full time, going to a therapist and being totally honest of you can, coming clean of your guilt will cause problems in the short term but honestly it's a huge huge weight off your shoulders an really it seems like if you continue on the path you're on your family is going to find out the hard way. Another thing to do is to forcibly remove yourself from the situation you're in, I had a drug problem in my home country of nz and moved to Australia to start anew, it really helped for a few years until I slipped up again but having a fresh start was the best thing for me, if I need to again I would definitely consider moving away from the temptation and having a clean slate to work with, that could be the ticket for a healthy lifestyle for you, go somewhere you can't use at all and give life another go, it's worth being clean, being an addict totally sucks. Goodluck my friend.
 
If you tell your family they may be angry with you at first but if they still care for you then hopefully they will be able to help you out.
If you know you are being watched by them then just that knowledge may be enough to stop you going out stealing and scoring.
You probably won't want to tell them as you will feel you have let them down but if you explain that you need their help to help you save yourself from yourself then I reckon they would be more than likely to want to help.
Whatever you choose to do, I wish u all the best mate.
 
jake99 said:
so im 30 now almost 31 and after trying to get clean for years rehab jail etc i went away from NJ for a year but had to come back and now im back caught up in the habit goin to cop every day and the things i have to do to get money for it are killin me with guilt. basicaly i have had to steal and even trying to use suboxone to stop the H and xanax i just cant seem to stop myself..............so i can basically come clean with my family which would blow up into a hugh mess, or hope to stop on my own and hope they dont find out what ive done , which they may or may not . AA hasnt seemed to help since i cant seem to be honest with ppl there...........i also suffer from bad depression and anxiety and H seems to be only thing that takes it away . any advice ? if i keep goin at this rate im either goin to totally lose my family unless i hide it from them or else and up gettin locked up again gettin caught in the hood one day . i dont see much of a point in a rehab since ive been in tons and they never help .
any avice ? i feel like im gonna be a dopefiend rest of my life.
Click to expand...

The heroin use is actually much more likely to be causing the depression and anxiety than curing it. Doing more only will help for a short time, and then things will be worse yet once the high wears off.

I feel for you, and what a tough situation it is to get out of. I would try coming clean with your family about what you've done and surround yourself by positive influence, even if that means having to move as others have suggested. When you are kicking the habit, do everything you can to lead a healthier lifestyle once you are able. It may seem like a small thing but it will help a lot.

All the best, and let us know how you are doing.
 
Jake, when you say that you haven't been honest with people in AA is that because you were afraid of being judged or because you weren't really ready to quit or both? I don't think people can do it on their own. It is just too damn hard. Isolation kills in so many ways. Having to hide all that pain just causes more shame and that causes more pain and then there is that much more to run from. You have to trust someone and ask for help.

I am a big advocate of getting real educational materials for your family wherever you can find them. As a family member that was woefully uninformed I know it would have helped me to be a better support. Also, if you decide to go back to AA or NA it might be good to suggest Al-anon to your family members.

I know how long you have been struggling. You need to rekindle your fighting spirit. That is the part no one else can do. After that ask for and be open to all the help you can get in any form it takes. Good luck. You know how many of us are behind you here.<3
 
Dam jake I been here for ur whole journey over the years and really feel for you bro..

I wish I even know what to say ..

I know what ur going through I haven't found the real answers
 
well i cant seem to stop and now its dope crack and xanax . mom isnt any better, rest of family wont talk to me . i am really stuck
 
If youre not willing to do whatever it takes to quit then we cannot help you.

Unfortunately for you this means telling your family and getting honest with people in the rooms.

If you truly want to quit and stop, you'll do whatever it takes.

You know what you have to do.
 
jake99 said:
well i cant seem to stop and now its dope crack and xanax . mom isnt any better, rest of family wont talk to me . i am really stuck
Click to expand...

I have to ask, and please don't take offense, will they not talk to you because you were honest and told them the truth?

Or, will they just not talk to you? If this is the case, they may already know, and would be a lot more accepting if you came clean with them. People are often more perceptive than given credit for.
Either way, I feel for you and what a tough place it puts you in, my wishes for all the best. <3
 
You mentioned depression and anxiety. Unless you receive proper treatment for the underlying causes that push you to use you will never be able to ditch your dope habit. I know for me that rehab and meetings didn't click until I got on anti-depressants, then went to rehab and meetings and was able to connect, as I am not a typically outgoing person (or so I thought). The depression really held me back, and dope seemed to make it all better (like you indicated).

I now see a shrink twice a week, been on anti-depressants for a year and have had tremendous success. But if not for treating the underlying issues, I would have had no chance and been convinced of becoming a life long slave to the H, like you mentioned.

Good luck.
 
^ Very good point. There are also other ways to treat depression and anxiety that don't involve medications so you might want to try those first. <3

and BiggDirty--congratulations, man. :)<3
 
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