End of the road

[Studio]

I have recently lost the love of my life, my best friend, and all of my happiness in the process. For the past couple years I feel like a rain cloud has followed me around and destroyed anything that brought me joy. I have nothing left... I feel totally fucking empty. I am no longer able to pick myself up and I really don't know how to be happy any more.

I feel like NOTHING. I exist and that is about it. I don't look forward to anything anymore because I know it will soon be broken and destroyed. I have given up... I don't know what I need to do to pick myself back up.. I have no one to turn to and I feel pretty damn lonely.

 

[Lysis]

Studio, I'm going to move this to TDS. Are you OK? Time heals. Please talk to friends if you feel suicidal. I'm going to move this to TDS where they will help you. These guys are great for when you are feeling low.

 

[Studio]

sure, move me to TDS.. that's cool. No, I am in no way suicidal... just in a shitty mood. The TDS folks are great anyways

 

[OverDone]

hey man, loss is HARD (especially when it happens at once). The inability to dig ourselves out often becomes a prevailing thought but it CAN be done. In time.

I can't pretend to know your pain right now but pain is pain and sadly we MUST feel it sometimes and often enough it is unbearable.

I was told by someone that 'ya gotta GO through it to GET through it'. I wanted to punch the motherfucker right in the throat for the simple fact that they were right and didn't give me an IMMEDIATE solution to my hurt.

What you are feeling right now WILL pass. When? No one can answer that. Sometimes we obsess over the hurt (and all the stuff that led up to it) and we twist it and come up with these fantastical, completely unrealistic scenarios of how it REALLY is. But we can't help it.

These changes that have taken, it sounds like they took you by surprise. Shocks like that will fuck us up BAD but (once again) in time we start to regroup from the shock. Please keep things in a realistic perspective and bounce some questions off of others to keep it real. I know that it isn't hard to make something worse (or better) than it truly is. Getting feedback (like you are doing now) is important to keep it in perspective.

Keep talking about it and be HONEST about what you are feeling to whoever you share those thoughts with.

What types of drugs (if any) do you currently use? (you may want to cut back or remove them from your regimen for a bit)

Do you take any medications? (if so, please talk to your doctor and inform her/him of whats going on)

I wish we could take your pain from you.

 

[ocean]

I'm sorry for your loss

You said you have felt low for a few years- Have you been seen by a Dr. for this?
I hope the cloud lifts soon......

We have a pretty supportive and friendly community here, so you have people to turn to

 

[Studio]

hey man, loss is HARD (especially when it happens at once). The inability to dig ourselves out often becomes a prevailing thought but it CAN be done. In time.

I can't pretend to know your pain right now but pain is pain and sadly we MUST feel it sometimes and often enough it is unbearable.

I was told by someone that 'ya gotta GO through it to GET through it'. I wanted to punch the motherfucker right in the throat for the simple fact that they were right and didn't give me an IMMEDIATE solution to my hurt.

What you are feeling right now WILL pass. When? No one can answer that. Sometimes we obsess over the hurt (and all the stuff that led up to it) and we twist it and come up with these fantastical, completely realistic scenarios of how it REALLY is. But we can't help it.

These changes that have taken, it sounds like they took you by surprise. Shocks like that will fuck us up BAD but (once again) in time we start to regroup from the shock. Please keep things in a realistic perspective and bounce some questions off of others to keep it real. I know that it isn't hard to make something worse (or better) than it truly is. Getting feedback (like you are doing now) is important to keep it in perspective.

Keep talking about it and be HONEST about what you are feeling to whoever you share those thoughts with.

What types of drugs (if any) do you currently use? (you may want to cut back or remove them from your regimen for a bit)

Do you take any medications? (if so, please talk to your doctor and inform her/him of whats going on)

I wish we could take your pain from you.

My post may have been a little misleading. Not all of this happened at once; more so a summary of the past 6 months. I have had considerably poor luck over the past 6 years and the bad things seem to come in sets of 3,5,7,9 etc. My biggest problem is the loss of self worth and motivation over those years/months. Every time it seems like the clouds break and a ray of sunshine hits me, it is merely the center of the storm.

As for addictions you ask.. I have a moderate opiate addiction. I am Rx'd oxycontin but I do abuse other opiates in moderation from time to time. It is funny you mentioned cutting back because over the last month I have actually tapered my daily dosing by about 35-40%.

Daily medications are oxycontin (I have tapered down to 40-100mg per day) and diazepam. My situational medications are klonopin for anxiety attacks and hyrdoxyzine for occasional insomnia (more now than usual).

I am a very mild social drinker (maybe 1-6 beer a month and the occasional shot of hard liquor).

That is a basic summary of what I am all about .

To be totally honest... just sitting here typing my thoughts and writing in a "journal" (I bought a notebook >.>) really seem to help ease my mind for moderate periods of time. Again, I want to point out that I am not suicidal at all, I am just not really pleased with my current situation. Plus I love my 2 dogs far too much to orphan them.

Thanks


quick edit:: Overdone... you hit the nail on the fucking head. You should be a speaker. I understand exactly what you mean and it makes perfect sense. Yea, I don't really want to face it and I would much rather get over it now but I do understand that time is the only medication that will heal wounds.

 

[OverDone]

I'd definitely be careful about the drugs. Times like these make it very tempting to increase our usage and before we know it it becomes way out of control and we're stuck with additional pain. No one needs additional pain.

You sound like a good person and a sensitive one. These are both positive things. But sensitivity is one of the predominant characteristics of us addicts (even the hard ass ones who are unable to admit it) and it makes us really, really feel the pain.

Journaling is a GREAT idea!!!! We have a Blogs section here on BL where members journal, complain, post lyrics to meaningful songs, etc. Whats nice about it is that its anonymous and people give some decent feedback.

I'm big on passing on 'sayings' passed on from folks who have 'been there' before that have helped me and here's another 'Pain shared is pain lessened'.

Dude!!!!! PLEASE post some pics of your dogs!!!!!! I truly believe that the best people in this world are dogs :D They sense our hurt and offer great therapeutic value without even trying. (I'm smiling now knowing that you have two furry companions that you can lay on the floor with and just 'be' without fearing judgment.)

 

[Studio]

I'd definitely be careful about the drugs. Times like these make it very tempting to increase our usage and before we know it it becomes way out of control and we're stuck with additional pain. No one needs additional pain.

You sound like a good person and a sensitive one. These are both positive things. But sensitivity is one of the predominant characteristics of us addicts (even the hard ass ones who are unable to admit it) and it makes us really, really feel the pain.

Journaling is a GREAT idea!!!! We have a Blogs section here on BL where members journal, complain, post lyrics to meaningful songs, etc. Whats nice about it is that its anonymous and people give some decent feedback.

I'm big on passing on 'sayings' passed on from folks who have 'been there' before that have helped me and here's another 'Pain shared is pain lessened'.

Dude!!!!! PLEASE post some pics of your dogs!!!!!! I truly believe that the best people in this world are dogs :D They sense our hurt and offer great therapeutic value without even trying. (I'm smiling now knowing that you have two furry companions that you can lay on the floor with and just 'be' without fearing judgment.)

Oddly my depression doesn't fuel my addiction as much as I thought. I am also an occasional IV user (micron filtering, sterile sodium chloride etc) but I don't really find myself reaching for another fix when I am feeling down (besides the diazepam.. )

I totally agree that stress increases pain 10 fold! I have a compression fracture on my T7 vertebrae as well as genetic osteoarthritis.

I consider myself a semi-professional photographer but I don't really have any good shots of my dogs other than some sub par iPhone shots. I have a 4ish year old Australian shepherd (whom was rescued from a kill shelter) and a 26 week old champion bloodline whippet. They are my only friends that haven't turned their backs on me .

 

[OverDone]

Oddly my depression doesn't fuel my addiction as much as I thought. I am also an occasional IV user (micron filtering, sterile sodium chloride etc) but I don't really find myself reaching for another fix when I am feeling down (besides the diazepam.. )

Good! Please keep it like that, man. You sound like good people and we gotta keep it that way!

I respect that you have a 'pound puppy'. Every animal deserves a chance at happiness (just like us)

Have you considered sharing your photos here on BL or elsewhere? There are a few Photo Threads in the various forums and also you could probably even give some pointers to others. Check this Thread out

Hobbies are important (I don't have any yet, besides BL) so I admire that you have interests that you are passionate about.

 

[Studio]

Good! Please keep it like that, man. You sound like good people and we gotta keep it that way!

I respect that you have a 'pound puppy'. Every animal deserves a chance at happiness (just like us)

Have you considered sharing your photos here on BL or elsewhere? There are a few Photo Threads in the various forums and also you could probably even give some pointers to others.

Hobbies are important (I don't have any yet, besides BL) so I admire that you have interests that you are passionate about.

I haven't been out shooting in a while but I do have a public Flickr account that has some of my work posted. I have a couple framed pieces as well as made a few submissions. Being unemployed does give me some extra time to work on my hobbies but I have found myself so miserable lately that I just can't find the motivation to get out and shoot. (I might add that I am an amateur pistol shooter). I have a couple other side hobbies but they are a little on the nerdy side.

I can't believe how much this is helping. I am not directly addressing my issues but hearing some inspiration sure makes things less craptastic.

 

[OverDone]

For me, I find my creativity spikes when I'm at my lowest. I'd DEFINITELY suggest you push yourself and catch/express your feelings through your art. It will also give a snapshot (sorry for the pun) of how you are feeling at that moment. Believe it or not you will want to remember this pain.

Nerdy is good! I used to parade around like some kind of tough guy and hid my 'nerd' side. I now realize that hiding who a person is just causes more pain by feeding into fantasy as opposed to reality.

Now, I GOTTA see some of your work!

 

[Studio]

For me, I find my creativity spikes when I'm at my lowest. I'd DEFINITELY suggest you push yourself and catch/express your feelings through your art. It will also give a snapshot (sorry for the pun) of how you are feeling at that moment. Believe it or not you will want to remember this pain.

Nerdy is good! I used to parade around like some kind of tough guy and hid my 'nerd' side. I now realize that hiding who a person is just causes more pain by feeding into fantasy as opposed to reality.

Now, I GOTTA see some of your work!

Go take a peek at the thread you linked me. I submitted my personally favorite shot.

 

[OverDone]

77spooky by Mkowal525, on Flickr

Personally my favorite shot I have taken. Some contrast manipulation.. which may disqualify me?
This shot was taken looking through the window of an abandoned hospital.

I dig this one. I was going to say it reminds me of 'life in motion' but now that I see the location it reminds me of well, 'hasty abandonedment'

 

[Studio]

I am a big fan of dark photography. Otherwise, I mostly shoot landscapes and inanimate objects. I was never really fond of shooting people. I feel like my expression is somewhat cramped when shooting live models.

I'd really love to get through this rough spot in my life. There are so many things that I need/want to do but find myself totally lacking the motivation. Having massive social anxiety helps keep me away from public places. I don't mind it so much but doing so doesn't really help my friend "stock".

Things don't seem nearly as bad now. Not being judged or felt "wronged" really made a big difference. Perhaps that is why i joined BL in the first place! Injust need to find a way to bring myself out of this depression and move on with my life.

Thanks again for the input and all of the positive help. I can't believe how much relief I have over such a short period of time (2 1/2 hours or so).

 

[OverDone]

hehe! like I said man, 'pain shared is pain lessened'.

Depression and anxiety are real motherfuckers to overcome but it truly is possible. Grab ANY opportunity when it presents itself to dive back into your passions, man, and it will get easier to get back to who you truly are. Sometimes, that quick jolt of energy or positivity that hits us out of the blue is the best opportunity to get back on point. Even in a funk, those opportunities peak at us and then they go away if we return to the patterns that we are accustomed to

For me, thinking excessively (obsessively) always skews the reality and causes me more pain. I don't think I'm unique in this area.

 

[Lysis]

Hugs from Florida, Studio. I know that sometimes it feels like the whole universe is against us. Although I don't know how you are feeling and the hurt you are enduring right now, please know that you aren't alone. Lots of us have been there, and god knows I've felt like just saying "fuck it" and ending it, but I try to think of where I was a year ago and the year before that. It's all highs and lows, but with each low, I've had some great highs too. Sometimes, I think that I'm at my lowest and then something good happens and I realize that things can get better.

 

[Studio]

hehe! like I said man, 'pain shared is pain lessened'.

Depression and anxiety are real motherfuckers to overcome but it truly is possible. Grab ANY opportunity when it presents itself to dive back into your passions, man, and it will get easier to get back to who you truly are. Sometimes, that quick jolt of energy or positivity that hits us out of the blue is the best opportunity to get back on point. Even in a funk, those opportunities peak at us and then they go away if we return to the patterns that we are accustomed to

For me, thinking excessively (obsessively) always skews the reality and causes me more pain. I don't think I'm unique in this area.

My biggest problem is not knowing how to overcome those problems. I have suffered so long with few positive and short lived results.. I have basically abandoned hope.

 

[OverDone]

I can relate to that. Sometimes if we don't kn ow what to do we should really do nothing at all. Like Lysis said, you aren't alone. There's nothing wrong with tapping someone on the shoulder who has been through it and asking 'hey, how the fuck did you do it?'.

You don't need to feel hopeless but feelings and thoughts are mostly uncontrollable. We can try to do things differently since our past efforts don't seem to be working.

I think you can do this, man. It may be rough and painful for a while but EVERYTHING is temporary and nothing ever stays 'new'.

Recognizing the challenges you have is part of knowing your enemy. You got this, man, and there are folks here who will walk with ya until you can walk on your own (they have for me) and the size of people's hearts here are HUGE

I gotta hit the sack and chase after some dreams. Tomorrow's another day for everyone, man. It may be better, it may be shittier but its another step to the other side of the darkness we have fallen into.

 

[Studio]

I can relate to that. Sometimes if we don't kn ow what to do we should really do nothing at all. Like Lysis said, you aren't alone. There's nothing wrong with tapping someone on the shoulder who has been through it and asking 'hey, how the fuck did you do it?'.

You don't need to feel hopeless but feelings and thoughts are mostly uncontrollable. We can try to do things differently since our past efforts don't seem to be working.

I think you can do this, man. It may be rough and painful for a while but EVERYTHING is temporary and nothing ever stays 'new'.

Recognizing the challenges you have is part of knowing your enemy. You got this, man, and there are folks here who will walk with ya until you can walk on your own (they have for me) and the size of people's hearts here are HUGE

I gotta hit the sack and chase after some dreams. Tomorrow's another day for everyone, man. It may be better, it may be shittier but its another step to the other side of the darkness we have fallen into.

Thanks so much

I really need some positive in my life right now.