End of the road - perhaps I will give insight

[Jim McP]

I don't really know if this is the thread I should post in, but I'm going to give it a shot. I apologize in advance if it the wrong thread.

I am a 26 year man at the end of the road, little rope, and no hope. I have been battling drug addiction for 5 years, and being the rational and realistic person that I am, I can truly say that it's not going to get better.

I am more fucked up than you can imagine. They all say that us addicts are the same, universal even..not in my case. I was a professional athlete in one point in my life, top tier. I later joined the Marine Corps to become an engineer, so I could help others through humanitarian relief.

And one day, out of nowhere, I decided, and said to myself, "I'm going to take percocets.", and just like that - it began.

I am truly a sick human being. I was not introduced to drugs, I was never around people that have ever had any experience with drugs, and etc. Before that, I started smoking. First one in my entire family and then some to smoke. I decided randomly one day, as I sat in NC, "I want to smoke cigarettes." Same thing as above - no influence, no experimenting, nothing.

Fast forward, I was forced to take a Suboxone by a relative - literally forced, and that's when life as I knew it (though not at that time) ended for me.

I began using heroin. Had a good run for about a year with that. Got off, went to a detox, did the 6 days, and left because I thought that detox was enough - didn't bother to stay for the 30 impatient and continue with a 60 IOP. Within six hours, I took a suboxone, because I couldn't deal with the physical pains.

Been on that road for 3 years. In between, I'd do cocaine, adderall, ritalin, all sorts of nonsense.

I "relapsed" twice this year. The first time, I was "clean" for 3 years, on suboxone maintenance. I couldn't afford the doctors visits anymore, so I widdled down and bought them from the street. Then one day I couldn't find subs, so I did heroin. Did it for about 3 months. Nothing too crazy. 5 bags a day? Idk. Then, I got off. Been clean since then until the first of this months. Same thing happened.

One thing I am grateful (and sometimes hateful of) for is my ridiculously-holy shit-you wouldn't believe it if I told you-metabolism. Did a bag of heroin about 9 hours ago. 2 hours passed and I couldn't handle the withdraw - I did subs, and remarkably didn't get sick. I actually feel good right now (in theory)

I'm flat out addicted to cigarettes, suboxone, adderall, coke if I can find some stuff, coca cola - I drink a case a day, and lord have mercy on those that are around me if I don't have my soda.

I'm one fucked up individual. Who in THE WORLD just up and decides out of NOWHERE to become a druggie? Or worse yet, coming home from the Marines, best shape of my life, and say, "Eh. I wanna smoke." And go and try 9 different brands.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's been a long road for me. There is no hope. I have absolutely no support system. No friends (literally ... None) no family, I'm broke, I just barely make ends meet, I'm broke by the 6th of each month..suffer for two weeks (unless I get my subs when I can, but typically don't) and then get a check since I rent my garage out.

There is no way I am ever going to break this ring of fire. But, throughout it all, my heart is at peace - I am not sad, whatsoever. I do not want, nor have I ever, a pity pot. I did this. I gotta lay in this bed I made, and I'm ok with that. I write this in hopes that someone will read it and maybe, perhaps, look at their story, and their experiences, and say to themselves, "Wow. Perhaps maybe my situation isn't so bad.", and hopefully, help them persevere through their attempt atrecovery.

Lastly, to anyone battling their addiction(s) and all of the struggles that go with it, keep fighting. Even if you have a small chance - it's better than none at all. I have tried to do it every which way. Tapering didn't work, even as I got down to literally crumbs a day. 1 to 2 crumbs a day. 3 if it was really bad. I tried a good detox. I tried removing
People places and things by moving over a thousand miles away to a very desolate part of the nation. Everything else? I simply cannot afford it at this point in my life. I do not qualify for welfare/medicare, none of the programs I've pursued accepted me. Hell, I had trouble getting into a methadone clinic - yes, I'm well versed in methadone. I know everything there is to know about it. I've heard the stories, it's full antagonist, blah blah blah blah, but, tapering off of methadone is easier than suboxone. Here's what 90% of people don't know about suboxone; It is NOT a maintenance drug. It was never, ever, intended to be used in that manner. Yet, all most doctors have to do is attend an 8 hour class and meet some minor prerequisites in order to prescribe suboxone. They all know how to prescribe it, but none of them know how to get you off of it. If you don't believe me, search up how there is no medical procedure to this day for suboxone withdraw ... What does that tell you? Atleast with methadone, it's an established drug. It IS A maintenance drug, and you can widdle down off of it. It's a lot older than suboxone, and doctors know a heck of a lot more about it. And hell, I had intentions on trying methadone. I was hoping to start at a regular dose, and go down a milligram over the course of a year and half to two years. But, with no insurance, no welfare, no nothing, I can't afford it. It is more than what I spend on Subs in a week. 85 dollars a week for the methadone clinic. I simply cannot do it.

As far as getting a job? I am so physically weak, and mentally distraught, that I would be unable to do it. I'm one of the unfortunate ones that REALLY got chewed up and spit out by drugs. They, primarily suboxone, destroyed any chance of me having a normal life. I've never felt "normal" at any time in my life with taking them. It seems that everyone finds a normal to content medium when they take suboxone. Some even have their lives back. Me? It wrecked me. Could, and still can't, ever eat. Trouble sleeping. Always lethargic. No motivation whatsoever. Sleeping 17 hours or more. It's a horrible drug in my opinion. If it wasn't for the fact that I get deathly ill (one instance I almost died - seizures) when I stop, I might have had a different outcome.

Keep fighting, people.
That is all.

 

[Jim McP]

Hm, I should of corrected that. More like, I have no friends because I lost them all. The woman of my dreams? The only woman I've ever loved, and was in love with? Dead. She drops dead at the age 23 - pulmonary embolism. Blood clot.

It's not a competition, but man, I am thee most fucked up person around. If anyone is hopeless, it's me. But, I hope that I can help someone else with their tribulations. If you have support, even a shred, heed it and never take it for granted. If you're a man, and you love a woman? Love her more. Believe me when I say, loosing certain things in specific manners as you have taken it for granted is worse than addiction (in my case) alone.

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

I feel you. The woman I dated for 7 years is miraculously alive on an experimental treatment for brain cancer. She's been able to hold a job teaching in an inner city for two years now, she hasn't seizured in 4 years now. I thought she was going to die and that belief fed my addiction. We are separated of course because in my addiction I pushed her away. I live with my parents now, I've been sober for a year and one month, but it's very hard. I take 9 medications and all the side effects make me weak and dumb. I used to be brilliant according to all the tests they do. I feel like I'm just getting worse as far as my cognitive symptoms are concerned, I'm on 3 ADHD medications but I can't focus on school enough to pass. I don't have any friends in New Jersey where I live. I have a few in California and a couple of them come to New York on business regularly so I get to see them. The guys that own one of the gas stations/convenience stores in my town are really nice so I hang out with them sometimes if business is slow. I have a dog, she's a german shepherd/Australian kelpie, she keeps me going when I want too just quit completely. My brother is my best friend but he goes to Northwestern in Chicago so I only get to see him on school breaks, or maybe I visit twice a year. My father is too smart, he can rip anyone to pieces in seconds just by asking really hard questions to answer, he means well but it ends of being the ultimate confidence reducer for me. My mother doesn't understand mental health related issues, she tries and it sucks more when she tries because she is incapable of understanding. You know, growing up all I ever wanted was a job where I got to use my brain and a small house to share with someone that I loved in a climate with 4 seasons. I also wanted a fast car, it didn't have to be expensive, just fast. I got my wish but the car is so worn out that I can really push it the way I want to. Plus the alignment is off and I need a new front left tire, plus the AC is broken and it's getting hotter outside. I had anxiety always, my parents said I was a super anxious baby. Then the depression, I remember being seem sitting in my room thinking that it would be better if I died before I was 8. That's kinda fucked up right? Idk I just want to get the right treatment, is that too much to ask, my parents are just taking money out of my inheritance to pay for treatment now and that's okay with me, but if treatment is going to cost $250,000 then I expect that it will help to some degree.I think that's fair. Idk, I remember being medication free as a kid; I had awful mood swings, terrible anxiety, and I would lie in bed at night thinking about death and how that would erase all my problems. So medication free wasn't so great, but it did have it's moments. This is a continual battle and think about a month ago I was pretty I wasn't going to last long, yet here I am writing. Just keep your head in the game and maybe eventually this nonsense will end and we will find ourselves in a peaceful situation.

 

[marley g]

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

Well, you did do alot of drugs. But hey, go through the shitty withdrawal, and maybe after a couple of months up to a year and a half, you'll see your first improvement. Then you won't think it's possible to improve anymore but you will, then at the two year stage, you'll be much better. The human body is truly incredible when it needs to be, the brain only shows what, 10% of itself? The human body gains incredible strength when it needs to right? What are some drugs going to do in the post two year clean mark? You'll get better, just stay off all drugs, marijuana tobacco and alcohol included -_-

 

[marley g]

no.

 

[Jim McP]

Heh, I understand that struggle all too well, except that in my journey, the outcome was always different. For me,I knew at a very young age I was too smart for my own good, years ahead of the curve at that. I believe it is what eventually lead to my own self destruction, but, that's another story.

I could never utilize my brilliance in the manner that I intended to. I was always either pushed aside, written off, or I intimidated people, of all ages. Never really got along with kids my age growing up, and that lead to a bunch of other disasters, but, that's another story altogether.

I sure hope that you get to bless the world with your brilliance. One of the escapes that I do have, is music. It's gotten me this far, and I'm glad to still have it as a tool of motivation. "Rest in peace to every genius that never made it." is one of my favorite lyrics out of all the broad spectrum of music I listen to. There's nothing worse than wasted talent

 

[Jim McP]

@ThePharmaciat4925, also, this is good that you still have some things that keep you going. I say, utilize whatever you can to push you. A dog, a friend, a poster, a fictional character, anything to get you to want to get out of your bed in the morning.

I too hope that it ends peacefully. I'm a realistic person - I can be content with a fresh start.

As far as the anxiety issues? I feel that, more than you might think. In my teenage years until about the age of 21, I must have racked up a couple hundred thousand dollars in ER visits. I would believe that I was having a heart attack, or that something was wrong, and yet, despite being told time and time and time again by the ER staff that I was fine and was nothing more than anxiety, I still continued to run to the hospital. After 21, when life got to one of it's more stale points for me, I welcomed death. And the anxiety seemingly disappeared. Funny how that works, huh?

 

[donefinally]

Jim, I feel you, I been through it all, finally clean for 6 weeks after using for 15 years, I been through just about everything, addicited to many drugs and now feeling the best I felt in years. It will get better in time, I always thought I needed something to get me through the day, to make me happy, I was so wrong. My head is clear, I have my energy back and don't care to use ever again, not what I been through, see my other post for my story and how I dealt with everything and hope it helps, were all here for support, friend me, PM me, I'm here. All I can say is that in time, your mind will get better, needs to heal. Our brains need to heal, like no sleep, our sleeping pattern has to be reprogrammed because we went to sleep drowsy all the time, there were times I was up for 8 days straight without any sleep, which made me feel worse than I already did but soon fell asleep, sleep is so important for us to heal, this time I used xanax, 3 weeks max and didn't take anymore. Xanax did prolong my withdrawals as with most meds can, we need to be completely clean to heal.
It WILL get better in time and will all be worth it, stay in there.
I'll be on everyday if I can for anyone needing support.

 

[Jim McP]

@ donefinally, thanks brother. I appreciate it. It means more than you may know. I'm sending you a PM once I figure out how to send them.

Speaking of music being an escape, where are all of my heavy metal fans at? Where my Cannibal Corpse fans at?

 

[Colonel Contin]

Chris Barnes ftw!

 

[Jim McP]

@Colonel Contin, I've had Priests of Sodom by CC on repeat for the past hour.

 

[BoxOfRain32]

Jim McP,

Thank you for sharing your story with us..but I'm going to kind of give you a little tough love. While you may feel hopeless and that you're the most fucked up person ever..you are neither of these things. Five years may feel like an eternity to be hooked on drugs but there are some people out there who keep on runnin' for upwards of 15-20 YRS at least.

Sometimes it takes more than being homeless, friend/familyless, diseased etc to finally WANT to get clean. You will always have the chance to get clean no matter how far down the rabbit hole you are but in your case it seems like you haven't 100% hit rock bottom (though it may feel it) and you have more to get you back on your feet than the average addict.

I understand where you are coming from about feeling odd how you chose to use drugs/smoke etc. At 19 I randomly started going on drives and smoking cigarettes and now I heavily smoke at the age of 25. I became addicted to opiates at 22. I was doing pills for a little over a year/then 5 day detoxed/used the day I got out/cold-turkeyed right after because then I was jobless and staying on a couch at my mom's (who actually was my using partner but she stayed clean after detox, bless her). I lost my apartment and my car. For the most part I was able to stabilize on suboxone (Not through a Dr.) I would still do pills here and there BUT right after I got a new car, a decent job and was maintaining on Subs for a few months straight, I did the same thing as you-Randomly went right to heroin IV. No one I knew used and I skipped all the steps inbetween.

Sorry to derail the post a bit-I just wanted you to know that you are not alone on the path of self destruction. It doesn't make sense, there was NO rhyme or reason for us to morph ourselves into heroin addicts. But we did. And now it's time to turn our lives around. You are not a lost cause my friend! And you are no where NEAR the most fucked up person, I hate to break it to you but there are at the very least 47474839383748399939348 people out there that are more fucked and fucked up than you.

So STOP kicking yourself while you're down and DO something about your addiction before you push yourself even farther down the hole. It seems you still have a place to live, you still have some sort of income, you haven't been stealing or screwing people over to get your fix (you suffer/push through when you don't have the $ and this alone goes to show you still have that good human inside waiting for the sober life). I'm tellin ya..you have a fighting chance.

Yeah you've done some shit and you've been through some shit but nothing about your situation is a lost cause. I'm terribly sorry about the love of your life, but hey, at least you are now blessed with knowing what true love feels like. Hold on to that feeling, you can have it again one day.

It seems that you are so depressed that it is clouding your vision for the future and making you feel that you're a lost cause...but that isn't the truth. It is NOT a fact. You seem very intelligent and very strong..use these qualities to get you clear headed and sober and then you will slowly start to see a glimmer of hope. You'll make new friends and start to enjoy new experiences. You have a passion for music? A lot of us addicts lose interest in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g..keep that passion and run with it.

As for your theory on Methadone/suboxone I would have to disagree. We are all different and all entitled to our own opinions but through research I have done and real accounts from people I have known..methadone is a LOT harder to kick than anything else out there. Around my area everyone calls it "liquid handcuffs". The withdrawal lasts for many months and after you think its finally over PAWS (post acute withdrawals) starts to kick your ass. It depends on the dosage you were on/how long you were on it but my old friends father went through years of suffering getting off methadone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100% against it..after all getting clean is the easy part..STAYING clean is a totally different story. If people are able to live their life as a happy, productive member of society on it then hell yes it's the way to go. I had friends that felt like their souls were still missing, albeit just legally and I had friends that were able to get their emotions back while on MMT.

I think you're right with Drs' not knowing how to properly dose suboxone. Some people just need it for a short time while others do need to stay on it for peace of mind. Not everyone can get clean and stay clean without maintenance so it's not fair to say suboxone shouldn't be used this way. I will say however that there is no need for the high doses sub doctors dole out. Most people can eventually stabilize on 4mg or less even with a large habit.

Now, since you are able to get suboxone, I'll give you advice that HAS worked. Once you're in mild withdrawal and you are about to take your first dose of sub I would start out with just 1-2mg at most. Wait an hour. If you absolutely need it take another .5. Do this every hour until you feel comfortable. (mind you, you may not feel 100%, esp since you have been switching back and forth) BUT your first day is the most important because this is the amount that's going to keep you stabilized.

Don't overdue the sub, that's the biggest mistake people make. Less is really more with suboxone. If you take 4mg or under it actually turns into nonbupmorphine, that is the compound that can connect to the mu receptors (euphoria) and has the properties of more energy and less of the negative side effects.

Once you have gotten somewhat comfortable, the amount of sub you took is the amount you're now going to maintain on. (Say you first took 2 mg an hour later you still felt bad so you took another .5, after the next hour you were still feeling the withdrawal too much so you do another .5 and finally start to feel more comfortable-your stabilized dose is 3mg) using the numbers in my example the next day you can chose to do 3mg all at once or a split dose of 1.5 in the am and 1.5 in the pm.

Keep this going until you feel like you are ready to taper yourself off. When and if that time comes bring down your dose .25 every 3 days. Of course you could tweak it to better fit yourself; nothing is set in stone and when you get below 1 mg you may even want to start going down .025 or .125 etc.

This was such a long post and for that I'm sorry. As for everything else I said-its true. I barely know you and already I can see that there is SO much out there just waiting for you to take advantage of. You CAN and you WILL turn your life around. I believe in you so fully..now it's your turn. It's got to get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

Any questions or comments or anything you need to get off your mind I'm here for you.

 

[BoxOfRain32]

Also, I just want to reiterate that most addicts reading this won't think "wow, I don't have it so bad" they'll probably think the opposite. Our love of drugs takes over EVERYTHING and many of us have to go through hell and back a million times before we're ready to stop. Not before we want to but before we can.

I'm not saying this to be rude..I'm saying this to open your eyes that you still have a hell of a fighting chance before things get even more worse for you.

The 5-7 day detoxes typically don't work on their own. I feel your pain because I had to pay almost $1000 for barely 4 days and I couldn't afford a 30 day program. Are you in the states? If so..get on state insurance! They pay for 30-90 day programs ALL over..you just have to find em. I wish I could take advantage of it seeing how I'm using again not even a week out of detox and I'm about to be sick all over again with no chance of scoring.

If you're not in the states..where are you? I could help you look for programs you could get into. Programs are the best because they give you the tools to start rewiring your brain back to a person that's able to function without drugs.

But if all else fails the suboxone plan I wrote above could work if you are ready for it. You won't have to be so exhausted anymore playing the game. Aren't you tired?

I know I am.

 

[Jim McP]

@BoxOfRain, Thanks for the motivation, bro. I appreciate it.

I sugar coated most of my original story. Obviously, it is a lot worse than I've let on, but, that's neither here nor there. The good news is, I started taking testostetone ethanate 250 the other day, intramuscular. Me being a professional athlete, I know all there is to know about it, and steroids in general. Been using them since 16, never had any adverse effects. I grew up to be very tall, my balls are fine, full head of hair, etc etc. I could dispel innumerable stigmas that surround testosterone treatment.

What I'm getting at is, I began taking test to give me a superdrive. It's only been the second day, and even though I woke up incredibly late as usual, I woke right up and ate. Before I even smoked or did a sub, which is something I NEVER do. So I know the test is working.

Pretty much, I'm going to start going back to the gym once I'm about 2 weeks in. Boxing. That's what I did in my past life as a pro. I'm going to utilize a method that a really good dual diagnosis shrink recommended to me. Get a liquid dropper, and taper down a 16th of a milligram every so often. At 5MGs a day, it won't take long to taper off completely. Afterwards, I'm going to really step it up and start taking HgH to repair my body - the pros outweigh the cons so far. My "buddies" who use even, have told me, "Oh yeah, J. Worry about HgH. At the same time you're sucking thousands of chemicals into your lungs, while you snort heroin. Go ahead, J. Tell me how worried you really are, and say it like you mean it."

In theory, and by years of research, this should work. I'll pray to every deity that it does, because I need all the help I can get.

 

[Jim McP]

Also, I've never IV'd any drug. Snorting is my twist. Idk why I didn't mention that, but, yeah.

 

[Jim McP]

Also, I just want to reiterate that most addicts reading this won't think "wow, I don't have it so bad" they'll probably think the opposite. Our love of drugs takes over EVERYTHING and many of us have to go through hell and back a million times before we're ready to stop. Not before we want to but before we can.

I'm not saying this to be rude..I'm saying this to open your eyes that you still have a hell of a fighting chance before things get even more worse for you.

The 5-7 day detoxes typically don't work on their own. I feel your pain because I had to pay almost $1000 for barely 4 days and I couldn't afford a 30 day program. Are you in the states? If so..get on state insurance! They pay for 30-90 day programs ALL over..you just have to find em. I wish I could take advantage of it seeing how I'm using again not even a week out of detox and I'm about to be sick all over again with no chance of scoring.

If you're not in the states..where are you? I could help you look for programs you could get into. Programs are the best because they give you the tools to start rewiring your brain back to a person that's able to function without drugs.

But if all else fails the suboxone plan I wrote above could work if you are ready for it. You won't have to be so exhausted anymore playing the game. Aren't you tired?

I know I am.

know I am.[/QUOTE]
And to touch on everything else, yes, I am depressed, no doubt about that. The sad thing is, the only thing that really keeps me going is hate. I can, at my sole discretion, muster enough power and hatred to harness the sun, or blow it out if I so please. I realize that this is dangerous, but, without it, there is no driving force whatsoever. It is this sentiment alone that's lead me to believe it's the only reason I haven't lost all passions, such as music. I'm one very, very angry individual. But yet, I'm not angry. I don't have anger issues - it has never ended any relationships and such. I guess that's a part of being a Marine and growing up in a combat sport. I keep trying though man. I really do.

Again, thank you for the inspiration. I appreciate it more than I can articulate through words. PM me your email so we can talk sometime buddy.

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

A man who strives for goodness when confronted by evil is a man of goodness despite any subliminal feeling in his mind.

 

[Jim McP]

A man who strives for goodness when confronted by evil is a man of goodness despite any subliminal feeling in his mind.

Well put.

That's truly all I wanted out of life. To help people. Confidently say that I made a difference when it was all said and done. After the Corps, me and a close friend were going to start a company - wipe out war lords and other scum throughout central Africa.

 

[Jim McP]

Also, if anyone can give me some insight as to what to expect with methadone treatment, (should I be able to get into a clinic) and how they faired while they were on it? As I said in an earlier comment, I've done my homework on it. It has to be easier to taper off and stop than Suboxone, because not only does Suboxone make me feel like absolute shit, it's unbearable for me to stop.

If I can, I'll start at a normal dose, and go down a milligram a week or so. If I start at 80mg's (the usual starting dose I believe), it will take me exactly one year and 6 months to get off completely. So, if I can somehow manage to begin treatment, I'll be banking on.

I know the horror stories. But Sub is not doing it for me. It's literally destroying me. I was more active when I was using, for fucks sake.