End of the beginning?

So, I picked up again.

I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time.

A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up).

I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.

I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.

I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.

I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke. She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.

The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.

She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to. I'm an asshole. I hurt her.

I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me.

I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.

 

I'm sorry that happend to you. Addiction is so serious a thing. God willing he will stick by your side. Make sure she knows that you need her to be that ray of hope in your life that will give you the drive to heal yourself. I O/Ded on coke when I was only 15 yeard old nd I know how hard it is to get away from it. I''m sure you know and probably have heard a million times but with addiction there never is a just one last time. Every last time ends up turning into the first time and it rolls away from there. Just be strong, do your rehab and make it your life. I know we're strangers but I hate to hear of people suffering so I will keep you in my prayers. I hope and wish you the best of luck. Stay positive, you just had a momentary lapse of judgment. It may have been a blessing in disguise that someone found out because it may have gotten even worse. Keep your head up, you can get it done. Best wishes man.