NaturalBorn
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 18, 2012
- Messages
- 5
Hello all,
Since this is my first post I guess an introduction is in order. I've been lurking on this forum for a few years now, usually bdd or add though. Never had anything to really input until now, though. I'm a 25 yr old us male.
-> long, perhaps rambling post follows (please forgive my lack of cognition currently)
So anyways, I've been physically dependent, as in withdrawals when i dont have anything, on opiates for about 7 1/2 yrs now; total of about 8 yrs using opiates. I've always stuck with the pharms though, too many dead friends to allow myself a heroin experience/habit. I started out with lortab(hydrocodone) 20-40mgs per dose 2-3 times a day. This was after kicking a 3 yr meth habit, I tried to just smoke weed but was introduced to opiates by gf at the time. The dose gradually increased (as it does) and so did the frequency of dosing. About a year into that I was introduced to percs/ocs (oxycodone). Then the dose and frequency skyrocketed to about 120-160mgs per dose 3-5 times a day. By the way I've never been prescribed these, all bought with money from good jobs.
So it went on like that until the last two years or so, when I had apparently fucked things up so good I was no longer able to find these high-paying jobs, and have subsequently been on kind of a maintenance-type trip, as in never really getting much (maybe 4-5 30mg pills every 3 or four days). This would get me a head-change but not really high, but still enough effect to give me withdrawals. The problem though is that I've never really wd'd all the way, something always seems to come along just as I'm starting to feel better. And with my lack of self control I always indulged, starting the cycle all over again.
This has led to a very real loss of self esteem and self worth, Im sure others know what Im talking about. Everything just seems so hopeless and fucked everytime im sober that all i want to do is get high to at least kill the mental pain. But I think that after countless cycles of this I may have finally had a breakthrough, more of a ' this is bullshit ' epiphany really.
I've been opiate free for 4 days now, almost halfway through the fifth now. I had a little vodka laying around which was quickly consumed couple days ago, but other than that completely sober. I did manage to procure a prescription for xanax, (i was hoping i could use them for the anxiety, insomnia, etc.) but wont be able to fill them until the 27th. So I'm cold turkey I guess. Plus, I've fucked my financial situation up so completely that I won't even have money for cigarettes let alone actual drugs. But thats probably a good thing. If anyone has actually been bored enough to read this entire rant, I guess I'm really looking for some encouragement, a helpful anecdote, or some such shit. I'm tired of the life I'm living, and I think I'm ready to move on and 'choose life' . Well, thanks for reading, please dont be too critical as I dont think I could handle it right now.
Since this is my first post I guess an introduction is in order. I've been lurking on this forum for a few years now, usually bdd or add though. Never had anything to really input until now, though. I'm a 25 yr old us male.
-> long, perhaps rambling post follows (please forgive my lack of cognition currently)
So anyways, I've been physically dependent, as in withdrawals when i dont have anything, on opiates for about 7 1/2 yrs now; total of about 8 yrs using opiates. I've always stuck with the pharms though, too many dead friends to allow myself a heroin experience/habit. I started out with lortab(hydrocodone) 20-40mgs per dose 2-3 times a day. This was after kicking a 3 yr meth habit, I tried to just smoke weed but was introduced to opiates by gf at the time. The dose gradually increased (as it does) and so did the frequency of dosing. About a year into that I was introduced to percs/ocs (oxycodone). Then the dose and frequency skyrocketed to about 120-160mgs per dose 3-5 times a day. By the way I've never been prescribed these, all bought with money from good jobs.
So it went on like that until the last two years or so, when I had apparently fucked things up so good I was no longer able to find these high-paying jobs, and have subsequently been on kind of a maintenance-type trip, as in never really getting much (maybe 4-5 30mg pills every 3 or four days). This would get me a head-change but not really high, but still enough effect to give me withdrawals. The problem though is that I've never really wd'd all the way, something always seems to come along just as I'm starting to feel better. And with my lack of self control I always indulged, starting the cycle all over again.
This has led to a very real loss of self esteem and self worth, Im sure others know what Im talking about. Everything just seems so hopeless and fucked everytime im sober that all i want to do is get high to at least kill the mental pain. But I think that after countless cycles of this I may have finally had a breakthrough, more of a ' this is bullshit ' epiphany really.
I've been opiate free for 4 days now, almost halfway through the fifth now. I had a little vodka laying around which was quickly consumed couple days ago, but other than that completely sober. I did manage to procure a prescription for xanax, (i was hoping i could use them for the anxiety, insomnia, etc.) but wont be able to fill them until the 27th. So I'm cold turkey I guess. Plus, I've fucked my financial situation up so completely that I won't even have money for cigarettes let alone actual drugs. But thats probably a good thing. If anyone has actually been bored enough to read this entire rant, I guess I'm really looking for some encouragement, a helpful anecdote, or some such shit. I'm tired of the life I'm living, and I think I'm ready to move on and 'choose life' . Well, thanks for reading, please dont be too critical as I dont think I could handle it right now.