Just.Let.Go
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2015
- Messages
- 8
***disclaimer***
Telling my story of addiction and over coming it. If you are hyper sensitive right now to triggers please do not read.
Hello all,
I have been a long time bluelight viewer, first time poster. Only difference is I use to read on here on advice to use drugs more safely but now for encouragement. This forum has been far more effective than any AA meeting I have been forced to go to in the past. I know it works for some, not dissing it all. Just does not work for ALL, nothing does for that matter. My hope here is what has worked for me will work for you too. Going to try to keep this as short as possible to keep your attention.
I will be turning 30 at the end of this year, my addiction started the first time I smoked weed my Jr. Year in highschool. My addiction stopped 9 days ago, I have 100 percent faith that I am done with ALL drugs. I say that with a voice in my head telling me stuff like even occasional drinking or smoking weed? How about a night at red rocks to roll some ex, its just a night. This is not you, its your addiction talking and thats all it is, talk. Your body does what YOUR brain tells it to, NEVER stop telling yourself that you can do it!! Its that simple yet so impossible at the same time right? Well only if YOU let it, this is the end of my final relapse which took place many times over nine years. I got bad into meth when I was 18, was also around the time I started selling drugs. Which ultimately was the hardest addiction to kick, even harder than meth and now Subutex! Quick note if you are trying to quit, do not sell anything or help anybody get anything! This will be a trigger for most, I promise. Drugs find people when they search for them, they will find them elsewhere if they try hard enough. I know its hard and you feel sorry for them but you have to help yourself before you can truly help anybody and anybody can truly help you. I remember hearing how I cant do it myself my whole life which is so true, you really cant. I'll tell you what else is true though, no one can help you until you surrender and JUST LET GO. Once you do God will fill you with strength to move mountains to get through the first few days. If its not God for you, then fill in blank there. For me however 12 years of addiction, pain, jail, prison, painful relationships, and everything else God has been my only anchor to hang on to, I never lost faith just lost my way. Find a anchor and never give up even if you relapse! This happens to almost everyone, do not let it get you down.
Well lets go back a bit when I was a meth head, felt like a chicken in a chicken coop. Couldnt get out of the damn thing, just sat around smoking a pipe like a chicken pecking at seed all day. Well one night my friend gave me some LSD, was my first time and absolutely the best. I saw things so clearly, saw all the bad things I was doing and needed to change. I also truly found God that night and was on fire. So much so I threw away over a quarter pound of kind bud and a couple grams of meth. All my friends thought I was crazy and so did my girlfriend. I made the mistake of trying to force my girlfriend off meth, I eventually convinced her to move to Oklahoma with me from Colorado and marry me and that meth was going to kill her. Somehow she said yes, she relapsed into crack one month later. I blamed God and relapsed into Alcohol, which lead to weed, which lead to selling weed, which lead to massive abuse of LSD, which lead to ecstasy, which lead to jail, which lead to prison, which then lead to recovery again... whohoOooO!!! This was over the course of seven years by the way. Only took prison to get scared straight, oh wait I still wasn't. Even when I KNEW FOR A FACT that night on acid that drugs were bad for my life, I didn't listen. But that's ok, a little older a little wiser. I'm a believer in EVERYTHING happens for a reason. You will see it one day if you seek it, or even if someone else passionately seeks it for you. *Ask and you shall receive. *Ask not have not
Almost done I promise. So I'm out of prison and I'm doing pretty good actually. Back in Colorado by the way. Oh here comes life and all of its awesomeness sometimes, my car gets stolen and I'm broke as is. Talk about triggers, I'm getting drug tested constantly so I started doingLori tabs because I could get them out quick. Somehow I get through all the drug tests without failing any, my PO believed I was doing real well and rarely tested me. I was very careful though in hiding it. This was Opiates huge lie to me, it was the drug I could function on. Time goes on and as it turns out my brother is drinking himself to death and if he didn't stop soon it would turn into serosis (sp?). My whole family thinks im recovered and he begs me to move there to save his life. At this point im just doing tabs and stuff where I can get them, nothing too serious... yet. I agree to move there. Two days before I move there my brother goes crazy on his bi-polar meds and a handle of vodka and starts shooting his shot gun out of his $200,000 house. By the time I get there he is in rehab to avoid jail and I am living with his wife that I had never even met before. Oh and then I get reunited with an old friend with benefits. Guess what else? Hardcore opiate abuser and a big reason I moved there because I knew she was there. Long story short, brother gets out of rehab and I helped him immensely in his recovery. He says I saved his life just being there. Problem is at this point I'm over a year gone on subutex. Bigger problem my now type 1 diabetic and mother of my child fiance is experiencing SEVERE side effects from the subutex. I realize something has to change, I hated seeing her barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. I said a prayer to God asking that we can get off it without something bad happening like it does normally. That realization can mean everything folks, just be patient.
Two weeks go by and somehow I'm smoking meth for the first time since that night on acid... Even smoked it with my fiance. Turned into a week long binge in which I called out of work sick on most days. However somehow I am feeling no cravings to do any subutex during this. By the seventh day tweaking I am in full turmoil in my mind weather or not to quit Subutex. I for sure was done with the meth, there was no way in hell I was going down that road again, couldnt believe I made it back there to begin with. We are about to pass out that night when we watch the movie "Candy". I know there is some film buffs out there or addicts that know the title. It is about a heroin couple's life that gets ruined because of the drug even though they loved each other beyond measure. The movie was a work of art, what I got out of it is I CAN DO ANYTHING. Even if 99.9 percent of couples break up who are addicted to opiates, I want to be that .01 percent! Because thats what we are my friends!!! We are the long shots, the rebels, the scorn of society. DO NOT ever beat yourself over it, we are just mis understood but in fact beautiful, interesting, and loving people who breathe this polluted air like anyone else. After watching the movie and on the brink of making the decision to kick the crap. My mom sends me a text after I asked her for prayer on a big decision I was about to make.
It read " Ask and you shall receive ". All I can say is a decade of relapse and struggle came full circle in a 5 word text message. I fell straight on face, literally. Crying like a little baby. I felt something come out of me, no wonder how crazy it sounds. It happened, it was UNDENIABLE what I felt. Now I am on day 9 of no sub. Granite the first few days my body was tricked into thinking I was still on sub because meth effects the brain in the same way. So it might take a little longer to get over it, but I have no fear. If fear comes up on me I knock it down flat with positivity. I am eating extremely healthy, filling my body with extreme amounts of vitamin C which fills your dopamine receptors, and drinking as much water as I can get down. My worst symptoms now are lack of energy and RLS at night. Which an hour long epson salt soak will do wonders for. I refuse to put any more chemicals into my body during this detox. Taking drugs to cure side effects of other drugs is a endless cycle. Quit for your health guys !!! If you really want off this stuff once and for all, Just Let Go and do it. It just wont always happen on your terms, such is life. Be patience, if you relapse find a meaning for it. Try to get something out of it. ALL things happen for a reason. It took a meth binge and a lot of super natural things that I can not fully describe to you to once and for all kick ADDICTION to drugs. I have not had one craving since, my fiance is in fact still doing them. I am not forcing her to quit, she will when she's ready. My plan is to be the best example possible and to show her how awesome it feels to be healthy!!!! To quote the recent movie " To write love on her arms " ... words are not enough.
I will end this here because it is already so long. I will be replying with more awesome tips to reduce the with drawl effects. But whatever you do don't take xannex to relax you or whatever during this. I personally think this will lead to a much bigger chance of relapse and a longer with drawl. Most importantly never look back and never doubt yourself, ever. E-mail if you need encouragement, or anything else.
Forever all of yours,
John Nelson
Telling my story of addiction and over coming it. If you are hyper sensitive right now to triggers please do not read.
Hello all,
I have been a long time bluelight viewer, first time poster. Only difference is I use to read on here on advice to use drugs more safely but now for encouragement. This forum has been far more effective than any AA meeting I have been forced to go to in the past. I know it works for some, not dissing it all. Just does not work for ALL, nothing does for that matter. My hope here is what has worked for me will work for you too. Going to try to keep this as short as possible to keep your attention.
I will be turning 30 at the end of this year, my addiction started the first time I smoked weed my Jr. Year in highschool. My addiction stopped 9 days ago, I have 100 percent faith that I am done with ALL drugs. I say that with a voice in my head telling me stuff like even occasional drinking or smoking weed? How about a night at red rocks to roll some ex, its just a night. This is not you, its your addiction talking and thats all it is, talk. Your body does what YOUR brain tells it to, NEVER stop telling yourself that you can do it!! Its that simple yet so impossible at the same time right? Well only if YOU let it, this is the end of my final relapse which took place many times over nine years. I got bad into meth when I was 18, was also around the time I started selling drugs. Which ultimately was the hardest addiction to kick, even harder than meth and now Subutex! Quick note if you are trying to quit, do not sell anything or help anybody get anything! This will be a trigger for most, I promise. Drugs find people when they search for them, they will find them elsewhere if they try hard enough. I know its hard and you feel sorry for them but you have to help yourself before you can truly help anybody and anybody can truly help you. I remember hearing how I cant do it myself my whole life which is so true, you really cant. I'll tell you what else is true though, no one can help you until you surrender and JUST LET GO. Once you do God will fill you with strength to move mountains to get through the first few days. If its not God for you, then fill in blank there. For me however 12 years of addiction, pain, jail, prison, painful relationships, and everything else God has been my only anchor to hang on to, I never lost faith just lost my way. Find a anchor and never give up even if you relapse! This happens to almost everyone, do not let it get you down.
Well lets go back a bit when I was a meth head, felt like a chicken in a chicken coop. Couldnt get out of the damn thing, just sat around smoking a pipe like a chicken pecking at seed all day. Well one night my friend gave me some LSD, was my first time and absolutely the best. I saw things so clearly, saw all the bad things I was doing and needed to change. I also truly found God that night and was on fire. So much so I threw away over a quarter pound of kind bud and a couple grams of meth. All my friends thought I was crazy and so did my girlfriend. I made the mistake of trying to force my girlfriend off meth, I eventually convinced her to move to Oklahoma with me from Colorado and marry me and that meth was going to kill her. Somehow she said yes, she relapsed into crack one month later. I blamed God and relapsed into Alcohol, which lead to weed, which lead to selling weed, which lead to massive abuse of LSD, which lead to ecstasy, which lead to jail, which lead to prison, which then lead to recovery again... whohoOooO!!! This was over the course of seven years by the way. Only took prison to get scared straight, oh wait I still wasn't. Even when I KNEW FOR A FACT that night on acid that drugs were bad for my life, I didn't listen. But that's ok, a little older a little wiser. I'm a believer in EVERYTHING happens for a reason. You will see it one day if you seek it, or even if someone else passionately seeks it for you. *Ask and you shall receive. *Ask not have not
Almost done I promise. So I'm out of prison and I'm doing pretty good actually. Back in Colorado by the way. Oh here comes life and all of its awesomeness sometimes, my car gets stolen and I'm broke as is. Talk about triggers, I'm getting drug tested constantly so I started doingLori tabs because I could get them out quick. Somehow I get through all the drug tests without failing any, my PO believed I was doing real well and rarely tested me. I was very careful though in hiding it. This was Opiates huge lie to me, it was the drug I could function on. Time goes on and as it turns out my brother is drinking himself to death and if he didn't stop soon it would turn into serosis (sp?). My whole family thinks im recovered and he begs me to move there to save his life. At this point im just doing tabs and stuff where I can get them, nothing too serious... yet. I agree to move there. Two days before I move there my brother goes crazy on his bi-polar meds and a handle of vodka and starts shooting his shot gun out of his $200,000 house. By the time I get there he is in rehab to avoid jail and I am living with his wife that I had never even met before. Oh and then I get reunited with an old friend with benefits. Guess what else? Hardcore opiate abuser and a big reason I moved there because I knew she was there. Long story short, brother gets out of rehab and I helped him immensely in his recovery. He says I saved his life just being there. Problem is at this point I'm over a year gone on subutex. Bigger problem my now type 1 diabetic and mother of my child fiance is experiencing SEVERE side effects from the subutex. I realize something has to change, I hated seeing her barely being able to get out of bed in the morning. I said a prayer to God asking that we can get off it without something bad happening like it does normally. That realization can mean everything folks, just be patient.
Two weeks go by and somehow I'm smoking meth for the first time since that night on acid... Even smoked it with my fiance. Turned into a week long binge in which I called out of work sick on most days. However somehow I am feeling no cravings to do any subutex during this. By the seventh day tweaking I am in full turmoil in my mind weather or not to quit Subutex. I for sure was done with the meth, there was no way in hell I was going down that road again, couldnt believe I made it back there to begin with. We are about to pass out that night when we watch the movie "Candy". I know there is some film buffs out there or addicts that know the title. It is about a heroin couple's life that gets ruined because of the drug even though they loved each other beyond measure. The movie was a work of art, what I got out of it is I CAN DO ANYTHING. Even if 99.9 percent of couples break up who are addicted to opiates, I want to be that .01 percent! Because thats what we are my friends!!! We are the long shots, the rebels, the scorn of society. DO NOT ever beat yourself over it, we are just mis understood but in fact beautiful, interesting, and loving people who breathe this polluted air like anyone else. After watching the movie and on the brink of making the decision to kick the crap. My mom sends me a text after I asked her for prayer on a big decision I was about to make.
It read " Ask and you shall receive ". All I can say is a decade of relapse and struggle came full circle in a 5 word text message. I fell straight on face, literally. Crying like a little baby. I felt something come out of me, no wonder how crazy it sounds. It happened, it was UNDENIABLE what I felt. Now I am on day 9 of no sub. Granite the first few days my body was tricked into thinking I was still on sub because meth effects the brain in the same way. So it might take a little longer to get over it, but I have no fear. If fear comes up on me I knock it down flat with positivity. I am eating extremely healthy, filling my body with extreme amounts of vitamin C which fills your dopamine receptors, and drinking as much water as I can get down. My worst symptoms now are lack of energy and RLS at night. Which an hour long epson salt soak will do wonders for. I refuse to put any more chemicals into my body during this detox. Taking drugs to cure side effects of other drugs is a endless cycle. Quit for your health guys !!! If you really want off this stuff once and for all, Just Let Go and do it. It just wont always happen on your terms, such is life. Be patience, if you relapse find a meaning for it. Try to get something out of it. ALL things happen for a reason. It took a meth binge and a lot of super natural things that I can not fully describe to you to once and for all kick ADDICTION to drugs. I have not had one craving since, my fiance is in fact still doing them. I am not forcing her to quit, she will when she's ready. My plan is to be the best example possible and to show her how awesome it feels to be healthy!!!! To quote the recent movie " To write love on her arms " ... words are not enough.
I will end this here because it is already so long. I will be replying with more awesome tips to reduce the with drawl effects. But whatever you do don't take xannex to relax you or whatever during this. I personally think this will lead to a much bigger chance of relapse and a longer with drawl. Most importantly never look back and never doubt yourself, ever. E-mail if you need encouragement, or anything else.
Forever all of yours,
John Nelson
oh p.s. herb I am off meat now as well, maybe you have some tips to kill the meat cravings lol. Their worse than the drug cravings honestly.