PoppE
Bluelighter
So my libido is destroyed and sex just isn't my thing. And when you ask "Why?" my honest answer is "I don't know" and all that follows is silence and I feel like a freak under a spotlight.
Sex has never been a very "special" encounter for me, don't get me wrong, I have shared intimate moments but those same moments were destroyed by encounters yet to come. You know when something is abused or someone uses something to abuse that something, that something is never the same again. I loved this something and naturally it ended and we shared one of those on again off again affairs. Undoubtedly he was everything and due to no-one elses fault but my own, sex became my only link to him. For me, that has tainted every sexual experience from then onwards. Sex became more like a deed or a leash rather than a connection between two souls.
I admit it, I would rather hold you than fuck you. How does one explain this to the object of their affection? I realise that this is the key problem in our relationship and I think the core reason as to why I left you once before.
Whether this is physical, mental or chemical, I will get to the bottom of it. But on my journey there I don't know whether my own strength is going to be enough. I need your patience and consideration now more than ever. It's not because I don't want you, It's not because you want it too much, It's not because I love you any less, or because I'm not attracted to you...there are so many reasons as to why it isn't this or that but I offer no understanding of why I don't yearn to make love to you.
I know it must be hard for you, feeling like the girl that you love doesn't want to physically express her emotions. And when my heart and soul isnt'there when we do, I can see the pain in your eyes and this breaks my heart. Our desires are so conflicting.
Please know that I am trying so hard to turn my drive around. You are the most beautiful and gentle person and I long for nothing more than to spend forever with you but...
You work odd hours and we don't spend much time with each other during the week and on weekends we have to make plans and times so we don't miss out on "our" time. But so often I think that the only reason why you want to see me so bad is because you want "some lovin'". Deep down I know that this isn't the case but I can't get these crazy ideas out of my head.
It was last night that made my heart feel so hollow. It was 5 hours before I had to get up for work and we were sitting in the car outside my house and you said "Want to come to my house?" I automatically freeze up and think you only want "some lovin'". And with reason I say "no", it had been one of those weeks and you knew that and it was already hours passed my bed time. So there I was, my face burning from that same spotlight, alone with my damaged goods.
I had been trying so hard since we have been back together and finally I am starting to think that sex isn't so bad or scary after all. But this is only the beginning and I am so close to falling back into the old routine of just saying "no". You ask me to "try and explain my feelings" and when I do you disagree with them. I don't need you to agree (I don't agree with this either), I just need your understanding. When you shut me down when I open, it pushes me back further than where we started. It is so hard to explain something that I have no idea about.
So last night I sat in the car feeling guilty because I didn't want to make love to you.
And I was hurt that you were so quick to shatter my confidence.
And then I walked away feeling
empty.
We are meant to fill this space for each other, not create it.
If you can't help me hlep myself, then I can't help us.
I love you Bessie.
------------------
"A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages".
Sex has never been a very "special" encounter for me, don't get me wrong, I have shared intimate moments but those same moments were destroyed by encounters yet to come. You know when something is abused or someone uses something to abuse that something, that something is never the same again. I loved this something and naturally it ended and we shared one of those on again off again affairs. Undoubtedly he was everything and due to no-one elses fault but my own, sex became my only link to him. For me, that has tainted every sexual experience from then onwards. Sex became more like a deed or a leash rather than a connection between two souls.
I admit it, I would rather hold you than fuck you. How does one explain this to the object of their affection? I realise that this is the key problem in our relationship and I think the core reason as to why I left you once before.
Whether this is physical, mental or chemical, I will get to the bottom of it. But on my journey there I don't know whether my own strength is going to be enough. I need your patience and consideration now more than ever. It's not because I don't want you, It's not because you want it too much, It's not because I love you any less, or because I'm not attracted to you...there are so many reasons as to why it isn't this or that but I offer no understanding of why I don't yearn to make love to you.
I know it must be hard for you, feeling like the girl that you love doesn't want to physically express her emotions. And when my heart and soul isnt'there when we do, I can see the pain in your eyes and this breaks my heart. Our desires are so conflicting.
Please know that I am trying so hard to turn my drive around. You are the most beautiful and gentle person and I long for nothing more than to spend forever with you but...
You work odd hours and we don't spend much time with each other during the week and on weekends we have to make plans and times so we don't miss out on "our" time. But so often I think that the only reason why you want to see me so bad is because you want "some lovin'". Deep down I know that this isn't the case but I can't get these crazy ideas out of my head.
It was last night that made my heart feel so hollow. It was 5 hours before I had to get up for work and we were sitting in the car outside my house and you said "Want to come to my house?" I automatically freeze up and think you only want "some lovin'". And with reason I say "no", it had been one of those weeks and you knew that and it was already hours passed my bed time. So there I was, my face burning from that same spotlight, alone with my damaged goods.
I had been trying so hard since we have been back together and finally I am starting to think that sex isn't so bad or scary after all. But this is only the beginning and I am so close to falling back into the old routine of just saying "no". You ask me to "try and explain my feelings" and when I do you disagree with them. I don't need you to agree (I don't agree with this either), I just need your understanding. When you shut me down when I open, it pushes me back further than where we started. It is so hard to explain something that I have no idea about.
So last night I sat in the car feeling guilty because I didn't want to make love to you.
And I was hurt that you were so quick to shatter my confidence.
And then I walked away feeling
empty.
We are meant to fill this space for each other, not create it.
If you can't help me hlep myself, then I can't help us.
I love you Bessie.
------------------
"A prayer for the wild at heart kept in cages".
