Emotionally distant parents.

[malakaix]

How do you deal with emotionally distant parents?

My parents are very emotionally distant, growing up i never saw them show affection to each other or myself and so this is how i understood friendships and relationships to operate. I feel that they express themselves through money and possessions rather then emotion, my father is a workaholic and values money over all else, and my mother is very concerned with security.

I can see how this has effected my younger brother, he denies his emotions completely.. viewing them as a weakness, his ex-girlfriend mentioned to me how cold and unresponsive he was emotionally during there relationship which ultimately was the reason it fell apart.

I was the same until my late teens when i began exploring emotional outlets through drugs and music, all the emotion i had repressed over my life poured out around 20 when i had an emotional breakdown and became increasingly interested in spirituality. I now see the dysfunction within the family and while i love all of them for who they are.. not been able to connect emotionally leaves me feeling like an outsider, the funny thing is.. it's always been like this i've just never been able to see it for how it truly is until now... so to them nothing has changed, but for me everything has.

I suppose all i can do is just be myself, but i find this to be the hardest part because there is no support.. i moved out of home a couple of years ago and have only just come back, i would like to connect with them on a deeper level.. but it might not be possible..

Anyone else with similar parents, any success? Or is it simply something that just has to be accepted or moved on from..?

 

[Asclepius]

Hey Malakaix,

You have every right to be yourself, it is difficult not being supported in that though.
It really shows what kind of person you are; being interested in connecting with them in a more meaningful level.
My home situation is different to yours but my parents always seemed more concerned with the superficial so that part I can relate to. My Mother was an emotional Volcano; Overbearing and controling and my Father; dependent, dossile, but a more stealthy, controling one too.
They can be very sweet but I dont have a good relationship with them, especially ATM...overall its been very turbulent, confusing and painful. I do care about them but feel, always left out.

Your parents sound very conservative. Curious as to whether they are religious or not?
I think sometimes you can be the one lumbered to communicate with them on their level, rather than the other
I know with my Mother especially, and her inability to be remotely, deep about anything means that her sometimes saying eg 'Lets go look at the shops' means I want to spend time with you in an area that I feel secure doing that in'. Or her buying me a Top/whatever means she cares but she does not know where I work /what I do and isnt interested. She has always rejected my friends and pretty much most decisions I made in my life. She is also full of fear.

If I dont play the part she wants me to play, socially, she really isnt bothered- kinda hurts that she still sees me as something to entertain her, something she can treat like a doll, still at my age... but I know there are reasons for this too. She really isnt interested in me as a person in my own right. I kinda accepted that a long time ago.

It gets pretty draining, de-coding things to be honest, some times I am just not listened to or respected for who I am at all and think Im beating my head of a brick wall. However I often feel that they just dont have the capability to 'get it'. I think they see things in a certain light and anything that deviates from that is just not 'right'. Certain emotions are rejected by my parents, any kind of anger/expression of dislike is usually seen as me being unruly/immature/not well. Which makes me sometimes end up acting the way im judged. It really is a humiliating situation to be shot down all the time for just being myself.

Its a tough one Malakaix. I say go with your gut-feeling and comprimise if you want a relationship with them but put yourself first, always.

 

[anterrabae]

My mom tries not to be emotionally distant. But she distances herself by not accepting anything I do. Whatever I do is wrong, whoever I'm seeing is a jackleg. Just always something to yell about, despite the fact that she knows my fragile state. I will never make her proud, I was smart and in AP classes when I was younger, went to a four degree college, but now I'm an unemployed loser. My sister was always bad with school, so I guess she figured I'd be the money maker for when they get even older. I mean, fuck, they still help me.

My father doesn't talk to me. We do not have a relationship. If he does say a word, it's only because he has to. I know he cares, but you'd never know it. He relays messages trough my mother, how sad is that?

 

[theartofwar]

@OP - Honestly best thing you can do is look inside yourself , work on YOU. Do not pay too much heed to what you cannot control - as you improve you will have your chance to build up rep with your family. (Hopefully, nuthins certain bro)

 

[malakaix]

Hey Malakaix,
You have every right to be yourself, it is difficult not being supported in that though.
It really shows what kind of person you are; being interested in connecting with them in a more meaningful level.

Thank-you, two years ago i wouldn't of even thought there was a problem.. but i'm reaching a crisis point in my life where i feel that i cant ignore it, go around it or go back.. i have to go through it and the more i resist it the more it hurts, so i can be myself and try and probably fail but with a great sense of relief that they can see me for me.

Your parents sound very conservative. Curious as to whether they are religious or not?

You are right, they are extremely conservative.. there's a 40 year age gap between myself and them.. and im 22, so bridging that gap is very difficult.. especially with my father. As far as i know there not religious; infact they have never voiced an opinion on the topic.. i think they just avoid it all together because it's an emotional topic and they see emotion as something that's negative.

She really isnt interested in me as a person in my own right. I kinda accepted that a long time ago.

Im beginning to see this in my own mother, since she tries to 'keep the peace' amongst people, she will never voice her opinion.. so shes prone to detachment, and because of this i can never have a genuine conversation with her.. because she always loses interest and gets distracted with something else, it's frustrating as hell because im trying to open up and explain to her my problems in life and her head is up in the clouds.. i gave up trying, when i was younger i avoided opening up to her because i could sense her inner fear and i knew she would judge me based off her own fear.

Now that im older i've just come to accept shes to wrapped up in her own world, maybe in time a connection will reopen.

My dad however, the only time we have conversation is when he asks me about my work or money.. there is nothing deeper, although he was around during my childhood, he was often absent as he worked away a lot.. so the relationship there is very weak to non-existent.

However I often feel that they just dont have the capability to 'get it'. I think they see things in a certain light and anything that deviates from that is just not 'right'. Certain emotions are rejected by my parents, any kind of anger/expression of dislike is usually seen as me being unruly/immature/not well.

Yeah i can relate here.. any form of emotional expression would be seen by my parents as mentally unwell, im not sure if they view emotion as primitive and logic as superior.. but they most definitely have difficulty understanding anyone who express's great emotion positively or negatively.. which is so hard for me, because im very empathetic and intuitive, i feel everything around me..

Its a tough one Malakaix. I say go with your gut-feeling and comprimise if you want a relationship with them but put yourself first, always.

Yeah a large part of me is saying 'Just be yourself' but it's hard, because i truly have to stand alone here.. and i fear rejection and been outcast emotionally, i hold onto the hope that maybe they'll become more affectionate and understanding without me first putting myself out there.. but it's that hope that's destroying me, i think i need to let go of all expectations and just be me... step through the void and trust that no matter what happens or how im seen by them, that i will be fine.

@OP - Honestly best thing you can do is look inside yourself , work on YOU. Do not pay too much heed to what you cannot control - as you improve you will have your chance to build up rep with your family. (Hopefully, nuthins certain bro)

Thankyou theartofwar.

I've spent most of the last few years putting a great deal of effort in working on myself, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.. i realized alot of where i went wrong in my relationships with people and particularly my parents when i was younger and wish to reconnect.. but as i've realized all i can really do here is be myself.. despite what they may think or expect of me; and hope they can understand my choices in life, and if not at least accept them.

My sensitivity to judgment and criticism has held me back alot in life, i've developed a thicker shell to this from people in general.. but i still feel very vulnerable to my parents opinions, i want to show them the real me.. but at the same time fear opening myself up completely to people who are very cold.

Thankyou all for your advice, sorry for the long reply.. i wanted to try address everything said here.. i'm going to give this some time and see how it goes.

 

[Asclepius]

Thank-you, two years ago i wouldn't of even thought there was a problem.. but i'm reaching a crisis point in my life where i feel that i cant ignore it, go around it or go back.. i have to go through it and the more i resist it the more it hurts, so i can be myself and try and probably fail but with a great sense of relief that they can see me for me.

The main thing is to establish your boundries Malakaix. There is no fail, only try! Honestly, although you are trying to get your needs met after so long of not having this happening, it is important to be yourself but if you feel you are getting stonewalled also refuse to throw too much emotionally in-just for your own self-protection! I would withdraw parts of myself that maybe your mother interferes in -not to play games but to have something for yourself-you know?

It isnt fair on you to have to be the emotionally honest one all the time.
You sound pretty aware and mature in your attitude in this respect, and seems like you have a good grasp of where you stand. So give yourself some kudos, even if they are too numb to at this stage.

You are right, they are extremely conservative.. there's a 40 year age gap between myself and them.. and im 22, so bridging that gap is very difficult.. especially with my father. As far as i know there not religious; infact they have never voiced an opinion on the topic.. i think they just avoid it all together because it's an emotional topic and they see emotion as something that's negative.

Well seeing emotion as negative is unhealthy, as you know!
So arm yourself with the knowledge that you probably are more aware of the truth of the situation than they are.

Im beginning to see this in my own mother, since she tries to 'keep the peace' amongst people, she will never voice her opinion.. so shes prone to detachment, and because of this i can never have a genuine conversation with her.. because she always loses interest and gets distracted with something else, it's frustrating as hell because im trying to open up and explain to her my problems in life and her head is up in the clouds.. i gave up trying, when i was younger i avoided opening up to her because i could sense her inner fear and i knew she would judge me based off her own fear.

My Father is alot like this. Sometimes really emotionally sensitive people do this to protect themselves and therefore mask their vulnerability. Like you said-she is probably full of fear.
I personally find humour can help break some barriers but it depends on the person your dealing with. I often take the piss out of my Father when things get stagnant and serious, as its the only way I can try to express anything to him to get him to open up.

Now that im older i've just come to accept shes to wrapped up in her own world, maybe in time a connection will reopen.

This sounds very difficult for you...my heart really goes out to you because this runs deep.
Have you gone to Therapy regarding this particular issue?

My dad however, the only time we have conversation is when he asks me about my work or money.. there is nothing deeper, although he was around during my childhood, he was often absent as he worked away a lot.. so the relationship there is very weak to non-existent.

As above, but especially with a same sex parent, I think this really is difficult to handle/manage as we do to some extent need affirmation from them to an extent to help with our own identity. Its not vital but it is important.
Just keep in mind that his idea of 'love' seems to be, that he is keeping a watch on whether you are providing for your own security, this to him means that you will be 'safe' and protected. There is alot of hidden stuff in there id say but he is scared of letting it out id imagine.

Yeah i can relate here.. any form of emotional expression would be seen by my parents as mentally unwell, im not sure if they view emotion as primitive and logic as superior.. but they most definitely have difficulty understanding anyone who express's great emotion positively or negatively.. which is so hard for me, because im very empathetic and intuitive, i feel everything around me..

Well 'the apple doesnt fall far from the tree' and they are obviously highly sensitive too but have dealt with this by tuning out altogether. They probably are even stonewalling each other emotionally...perhaps? Maybe they have been through alot of heartache themselves? The most important thing you can do to protect yourself is arm yourself with an awareness of their vulnerabilities because then hopefully you wont be internalising all their crap and issues if you feel raw. Remember to keep your expectations realistic and your own sense of self seperate as much as you can- you are your own person and ultimately only you can validate that hun, and why shouldnt you, especially if they dont understand.

Yeah a large part of me is saying 'Just be yourself' but it's hard, because i truly have to stand alone here.. and i fear rejection and been outcast emotionally, i hold onto the hope that maybe they'll become more affectionate and understanding without me first putting myself out there.. but it's that hope that's destroying me, i think i need to let go of all expectations and just be me... step through the void and trust that no matter what happens or how im seen by them, that i will be fine.

Yeah, be yourself but look after any 'raw' stuff by maintaining exit strategies if you start to feel really uncomfortable and dont put too much pressure on yourself and like you said, on expectations-any rejection will be a chance for you to know how you feel and build a new skin so exposing yourself(metaphorically speaking! ) although its a risk, nothing is going to cause 'an end of the world' situation. Not meaning to minimise how hard this is on you but do keep your head up!
When you are leaving maybe just have a plan set up to go/do something productive for yourself that will be reassuring- dont leave with disappointment that you can bash yourself up with into feeling like a failure- if you have someone to talk to, meet with do/treat yourself to something(healthy) You got to reward yourself for being yourself.
I know it sounds elaborate, but do treat yourself with kid gloves if it helps-there is nothing wrong with that, givin the situation

Feel free to pm me at any time Malakaix.
Best of luck with it

 

[malakaix]

Asclepius, it means alot to me that you took the time to reply in such detail This thread has helped me see a few things differently and has given me some perspective on how i should approach this, your absolutely right about rejection been an opportunity to know how i feel and grasp a better sense of myself.. i've never looked at it from that angle before but it's very true.

I feel much better about this situation having expressed it and gotten feedback, it's more clear now, thankyou.

 

[Asclepius]

Glad you got something out of it. Its good to express this stuff alright and have a tentative plan of some sort. Your thread really helped me too, as I had to challenge my folks today after some period of not talking to them so, this was a weird coincedence,eh!?!
Best of luck with it again man! )

 

[TheLostBoys]

I never saw my parents kiss ever but I did see them hugging before. Both parents have told all of us kids they love us plenty of times so we knew there was alot of love in the family. My father & mother always went to church & made all of us kids go with them every Sunday. I believe religion had a big part in keeping everyone in the family having love within.

My mother was big on security as well but my father owned several businesses so there wasnt that much pressure on him in that department.

I wanted to ask you if your parents are into any spirituality or anything of that sort? Maybe you could discuss with them what you have told us & if that doesnt work, drop LSD in their orange juice (JUST KIDDING)

But seriously, let them know how you feel, it may help.

 

[HeWhoHowls]

As a child of divorce, i found the emotional distancing after my parents split.
Growing up as a small child was great as evryone in my family were together n quite happy.
Then it all changed.
Living with my mom & older brother, it was rough. She had a long addiction to heroin n was never existent in the emotional sense. i truely believe the divorced caused a sort of breakdown for her; so it was basicly my brother parenting me. this brought us very close as he was my protector, my mentor, he was my best friend.
Later when he became a teenager he just couldnt handle living with my mom as they fought constantly. He left us when i was 8.
Years went by as me n mom moved from place to place, sleeping in cars, setting up home in a public storage unit; i was an item of neglect.
I guess i too became more n more emotionless n mentally unhappy.
A big change came when i decided for myself to live with my father.
All this time he was alone n developed the same outcome as i.
I only realized this when i became a teenager n really recquired emotional support, which he was unable to give.
Thngs became ridiculously tense to the point where there was no trust, no respect, no love. A fly on the wall would make the confident assumption that we were only room mates, not family.
I couldnt handle shit anymore n i completely left home under the guise that i was only going to visit my mom.
My mother was a changed woman at this point n offered exactly what i needed. to this day she still laments over the pain caused over the years by these actions.
Even the time away from my father made him realize the importance n true meaning of loving one another.


The basic point of this whole story is that you can do all you can to change someone for the good, but unless they realize themselves n believe in acting in a new sense, its useless.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I dealt with an emotionally distant parent,
By being emotionally distant.
We never really knew eachother, still don't and never will because she's all kinds of fucked up mentally.
Looking back I can see that my childhood was fucked up completely, my mother is paranoid schizo or something.....but I pushed her out of my life now because she's a poison to me....so I guess I'm "emotionally distant"
My father on the other hand, didn't exist.