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Baker

Baker

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2004
Messages
1,113
Location
Sydney, Australia
7124

Eyes wide to a pit of disaster
Eyes shut to a bridge of possibilities
Stomach churning
Structured wording
Trying to find the answers to questions I haven’t asked

A field of blue floats elegantly in front of me
Hiding an eternity from ever finding me
A wall against nirvana, built on faith.
A personal wall, ironically placed

Understand the victim of a relentless crime,
As I sit here and romance over unforgettable times
The vibrations take my soul,
As thoughts generalise into categories
And emotions develop their roles

I am a machine, thinking in measurements
I am a machine, thinking nothing at all

A collective consciousness explains this simple evolution
The evolution of my life
The resolution of time
The evolution of end

Taught the rules of society
Ignoring universal sociology
Found in conservatism
Lost in imagination

Victim the world of monotony into generalisation
The perspective of repetition only offends
That which processes thoughts control
The rebirth of imagination
And the rebirth of all
 
A wall against nirvana, built on faith.
A personal wall, ironically placed
Click to expand...
i really like that, and i liked everything up to the last paragraph... but then I get a little lost. i am stoned but i really did read it a few times and disected it in my head, and I really enjoyed everything up to that last paragraph where I'm just unsure :)

also, this could be arranged very easily into a poppy/rock/rap song like linkin park :) that third paragraph is practically oozing with rap rhythm
 
the last paragraph was mentioning the archaic revival of the universe through artistic expression. A fine rebirth of collective conciousness

hence we can live as machines... but we don't

and thanks, I might turn it into a song eventually, if I ever master drill n bass ;)
 
Taught the rules of society
Ignoring universal sociology
Found in conservatism
Lost in imagination
Click to expand...

I especially love this stanza. Powerful piece baker. I really liked it :)
 
Cheers

Any negative thoughts on this poem though? I really think I need to improve my writing style badly, but I don't quite know whats bad about it.

Practice is always good though.
 
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