Ecstasy - Experienced - WTF Just Happened?

[UltimaWeapon]

Before i start my 2nd trip report (my first one was on shrooms even though ive done E before that), i just want to give a little background on my E experience.
I have been doing E since late Feb, so about 4 months. but ive been doing it just about every weekend and sometimes more. Not something im proud of, nor do i want to be critizised for it, i know its bad and im only mentioning this as part of my report. i have taken about 27 pills so far. I have done E in the places im most comfortable in be it my living room, raves, and clubs. im pretty good now at controlling my rolls and so on. and am pretty much well informed about it.

This was my roll last night.....took place at a local rave, i had been waiting for this night for a whole month.

11PM - I take my first one (Pink Bunny), chase with red bull. yummie. anyways, 15 min afterwards, i feel the usual tingle. good, i know the pill worked. so i then walk into the venue, first music room, the DJ is remixing a certain Green Day track, i nearly flipped out and that definetly helped the roll!! i have high hopes for these pills because i had heard good things from a couple of buddies that know their shit. so yeah, im having a great time right now. i go in and start talking to everyone i know and have seen before blah blah.

12:00 - I am officially starting my peak, and i decide i need some OJ, so i gather up my friends and start driving to find a convinience store. One of my good girl friends is in my car talking about really touchy subjects like her friend dying and shit. its cool and all, but NOT while im rolling. i tried to just not pay attention. i enjoy my car ride to the store, definetly fun. get my oj, go back to the venue, drink up some oj for roll boost. im feeling just fine. not my best roll, but so far, its a nice clean roll and semi intense. loving it so far.

1:00 - im dancing my ass off, for the little bit that i can. i would only be dancing for a bit and have to take water breaks and have to sit repeatedly. nothing too strange about that. I start noticing that the rave is at its highest attendance for the night...... and thats not saying much, compared to the other 2 that i went to at that location (THEY WERE AMAZING), this one was really letting me down. and the fact that their "chill room", was dead, had no dj this time and no cool visuals in there SUCKED NUTS. i was kinda upset that it was just a dark room with leather couches and passed out 16 yr old chicks and dirty 20+ yr old fucks taking advantage of that. what a horrible sight....... honestly. that right there started fucking with my roll. Now my Girl - friend, wants me to find her 1 pill. so i talk to some ppl and finally track someone down. me, like an idiot. gives the dealer my money, and he says he will be back in a bit to give me the pill........ well, im standing IN THE SAME FUCKING SPOT FOR ALMOST AN HOUR!!! and he never came back. i was getting really pissed at this point and i was ready to start some shit...... luckily i kept my cool.

2:00 - i give my friend her pill, i finally get to go back to the dance floor and enjoy myself. not the best music, but it will do. i find one of my friends that was riding with me, his gf kept harrassing him on his cell phone every 10 minutes or so, and she was pissed because she wanted him home now. blah blah all this drama, and it was pissing me off. cuz i SURE AS HELL wasnt leaving the rave now. this roll is now officially taking a turn for the worse. I wasnt feeling all warm and lovey anymore. i was angry.... i wanted to just scream and vent. everyone was to blame now for my roll being fucked up. i have never EVER been this upset while rolling, and i felt really really weird. then i felt like i was gonna pass out cuz my heart was racing. so i go to the chill room and hang out with some half nude 16 yr old jail bait. ugh......

3:00 - Im sitting in a dark corner all alone, wanting to just cry, but i cant... its hard for me to do that. no matter what thoughts go through my head. so i just sit there ignoring the pack of kids walking by waving glowsticks at my face. i knew i should just ignore everyone, because if i let it get to me, i could easily hurt someone. and i didnt want any trouble. so i let it be...

4:00 - if things couldnt get any worse, the girl friend of mine starts making out with my guy friend, and some other dude. and im just there.....watching..... and i dont wanna say anything because nothing good would come out of my mouth. and i would lose 2 good friends. i WISH THIS ROLL WOULD DIE!!!! but i couldnt kill my roll no matter what, its weird, because usually i can end a roll if needed. but i couldnt kill this one it was just there, haunting me.

5:00 - I start to finally have some signs of coming down. This is where i sit and start thinking about what im doing to myself. why do i do this to myself? why do i feel the need to use this drug to have a good time? is this really who i am? am i dependent on this drug now!? wtf am i doing here?! why am i here? RAVES?! i DONT LIKE RAVES, ive always made fun of them and hated them, why am i here wearing candy and rolling and waving LED's?! WHO AM I?! should i stop doing E? Should i roll at home now for a while? i kept asking myself all these questions. and it just fucked with my head.

5:30 - we decide its time to leave the rave. i have officially come down. i drive my friends home. i go home, and sit and think about everything that happened. I LOVED rolling, even last week, i had an amazing time! why all of a sudden did i feel like this roll was horrible? why do i feel the need to stop all of a sudden? is this not for me? its worked for me all other times why just now is this happening. i thought it was a gradual thing. should i just take a small break now, and see how i feel about it later? who knows.


EDIT: just so you guys know, i did sleep for about 4 hours, watched a couple movies, i ate a nice meal. this is actually the first time, im not "cracked out" i actually feel pretty good right now physically. weird. this is more a mental thing thats fuckin with me.

anyways, this is not much of a report i guess......but whatever. if you read it and found it informative, thank you for reading. any feedback appreciated.

 

[SmC]

I think it was all to do with your mindset and the situation going on around you, because you were on the drug it made things seem ten times worse than what they were. Maybe you should take a break for a while though? I would leave it for a month or so, it could be the drug telling you that you need a break from it.

 

[MasterVampire]

damn that sounds fucked up

 

[blue)dolphin]

why do i do this to myself? why do i feel the need to use this drug to have a good time? is this really who i am? am i dependent on this drug now!? wtf am i doing here?! why am i here? RAVES?! i DONT LIKE RAVES, ive always made fun of them and hated them, why am i here wearing candy and rolling and waving LED's?! WHO AM I?!

Yeah, wow. I don't see why anyone wears "candy". Like, I saw some halarious pictures in the gallery today of people all decked out in that stuff rockin' the massive pupil action. I just don't get it.

I was never in the rave scene (at all) but I think you can draw parallels to my experience in Phish tour and among other bands that attract a large # of hippie types. There was a time when I was ready to grow my hair all the way out and hit the dirty road full time. But then I got older I realized that you create your own scene. People can tell whether you are genuine or not--- and if you are genuine, charasmatic, and living life with no regret, there's really no need to deck yourself out in candy for a rave, or to pretend you came out of your momma's womb with a mane of dreadlocks at a Phish show. If you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, you inspire people to do the same thing.

Know what I'm getting at?

It sounds to me like the scene and ecstasy use you're involved in is burning you out, at least emotionally, at a rapid rate. The fact is you gotta quit using ecstasy so frequently. If you don't you can expect many more of these psychological and dark head trips from the stuff. My advice to you is to *slow down*, or else you may find yourself looking back at this time in your life with disgust and regret.

And it's all about living with no regret. Maybe it is possible to rage out until the day you die. I certainly hope it is because I sure as hell plan to do it. But thank God I no longer need MDMA/LSD/all-kinds-of-other-shit-too these days to celebrate life. I'm not saying this stuff is bad. I did ecstasy last night for the first time in a year and had a great time. But in order to rage out until you die you have to come to terms with some sort of paradox: the concept of moderation!

And for goodness sake if you don't like raves that much, go check out some of the other excellent music that exists... never settle for music because it's a convenient scene. You gotta create your own scene, otherwise you're not being an individual <---- something we are all blessed with the opportunity to do.

 

[blue)dolphin]

it could be the drug telling you that you need a break from it.

Drugs don't tell you things. *You* tell you things. And I'd listen to myself over a drug any day. Because drugs don't speak up clearly and they're really small to begin with....

 

[nuke]

Yup...moderation is the key. I see far too many MDMA or LSD users eating tons every weekend and in about 6 months they swear it all off as pure evil.

 

[UltimaWeapon]

thx alot for the replies. definetly looking over things right now.... i got a hard road ahead of me if i want to take a break from this. its REALLY hard.

 

[Xorkoth]

If you don't like the rave scene, then why do you go there? I was always puzzled by the Ecstacy scene. Back when my friends and I were into it, they'd always be so touchy on it. Like everything had to go exactly right or their roll would be ruined. Like they needed a candy necklace, trance music, darkness, and glow sticks, or there was no way they'd have a good time and they'd just sit there bitching about their "wasted roll". It's so stupid! Your ability to have a good time is within yourself, not within glow sticks and the "proper environment". On the rare occasion I do ecxtacy now, I usually do it alone at my apartment with music that I enjoy, or with a friend or two in a setting where we can talk. And I don't WORRY about whether or not I'm going to have a good time. Would I have a good time doing these things without exctacy? Yes! So I'll have a good time with it as well. Also, I do it very rarely, perhaps once every few months. I even took a two year break that ended a couple of months ago. I didn't have to decide that, it just happened that way and I had no troubles with it. There was a point, years ago, where I was starting to do it every weekend, too, and at the time it seemed like I couldn't have a good time on the weekend without rolling, but that turned out to be untrue, and once I went a weekend without it, it became very easy to leave it behind for a while.

When you make the high the center of the evening, it's bound to go bad on you at some point. But if you use it as an enhancement of the ordinary activities you'd be partaking in, then it's going to be all good.

 

[mr v]

When you make the high the center of the evening, it's bound to go bad on you at some point. But if you use it as an enhancement of the ordinary activities you'd be partaking in, then it's going to be all good.

Just wanted to say thanks for writing that, thoughts along those lines have been on my mind recently - Am i going out for the music or the drugs? I listen to the music everyday, and do the drugs once a month or less, yet when i'm getting excited about going ravin, i hate to start feeling like i'll get more excited if its a rave where i'm going to be wired.

But yeah, you worded it nicely, thank you.

 

[DoubleTrouble]

I'm sorry for your difficult experience, but it might be a bit of a wakeup call. You have to be open to the possibility that rave culture and 'the scene' may not be your thing.

I mean, think about it. If everyone who was on ecstasy gathered around in junkyards and made fires out of debris, many attendees would probably consider it an amazing, eye-opening, and even life-changing experience. Ecstasy makes the mundane seem interesting, the fake seem real, and the rediculous seem acceptable. I don't mean to bad mouth raves, but bear in mind that most people go to them because of the chance to unleash their serotonin resevoir, not in sincere appreciation of the latest trends in dance and electronic music. Sure, they associate the chemical high with brightly colored outfits, candy necklaces, and glowsticks--but their appreciation of those things are largely due to a pavolovian response.

Anyways, call me a cynic, but all I'm trying to say is that set and setting are indeed very crucial to the quality of your roll; therefore, you need to really think carefully about exactly what kind of environment is ideal for you. That, as well as spacing out your rolls, will help you a lot in retaining the 'magic' of the MDMA experience.

 

[Enlitx]

But then I got older I realized that you create your own scene. People can tell whether you are genuine or not--- and if you are genuine, charasmatic, and living life with no regret, there's really no need to deck yourself out in candy for a rave, or to pretend you came out of your momma's womb with a mane of dreadlocks at a Phish show. If you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, you inspire people to do the same thing.

Know what I'm getting at?

Well said.

 

[spookz]

OJ doesn't boost your roll

 

[Hypnic_JerK]

IMO psychedelics, even ecstasy and pot, are truth drugs for real life. They always turn bad when they're used to make fantasy real. Thats why pot starts giving people paranoid trips.

You gotta 'keep it real'- Take the drugs to play with your real life, and if your real life includes raves from time to time, thats cool- but raves or parties in general aren't real life.