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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

Hi all, i've been lurking around in bluelight for years and finally decided to join :)
so i have been dealing with eating disorders since my teens, i'm now 22, i would classify myself as bulimic now but it has evolved over the years from trying to starve myself which worked for a while then onto purging what food i did eat, to finally full on binge/purge sessions. i have also had issues with drugs, alcohol and depression. i'm getting sick of my life and am thinking of finally getting some type of treatment, but it really scares me because i'm so used to my eating disorder and other issues that have been my constant companions for so long that i dont know what kind of person i am without them or if i even want to give them up.
 
^^ That sounds so remarkably similar to my story hun. I really hope you seek help soon, because you don't have to live like this. There is a better way, and you deserve to find it <3
PM me if you ever want to vent or ask any questions okay? I'm always here for a chat.
 
I didn't realize until VERY recently that I may have delved back into the depths of my ED. I got a gym membership about a month (or 1.5 mo's) ago and work out about 4 times a week. I won't give out numbers or anything, but I burn off about as many calories as I eat in my breakfast-lunch-snack. In other words, I'm not giving my body much to work with. That being said, I have lost 10 pounds in the last month, sneaking very close to my low weight which was ridiculously horrifying. I see it in reach though and find it triggering.
I wonder If I am truly recovered, or 'in' recovery, or am I still anorexic? I prefer to say in recovery as it's an active process. It's a daily struggle, the thoughts will never go away (it seems), life just gets easier.
--that was lots of rambling...peace.
 
^^ It sounds like you're at a similar stage that I was at about a year of "recovery", as I described a few posts up the page.

I have a few questions: (only if you want to answer them of course :))
*How is your relationship with food and eating? i.e. are you eating enough to fuel your exercise, are you getting the "fear of food" back?
*Are you finding yourself eliminating certain foods or restricting calories or anything like that?
*Are you doing weights to strengthen your musculoskeletal structure, or are you only doing cardio exercise?

If you'd prefer to continue this via PM please feel free.
 
I really, really hate my body tonight :(


And, I'm going through some stuff right now, cause I will have a car and some money tomorrow, and I really want to numb this feeling and go get high :(
 
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I feel as though I have the ability to convince myself that I have both a normal and healthy relationship with food and also that I'm a bit 'off' in it. I don't restrict in any sense but do tend to eat little. The feelings of guilt do still linger when I am too full or when I have a dessert. If I have a dessert I will be sure to somehow limit myself the following day maybe in terms of not having dessert or having less carbs.
I mostly do cardio, but also DO work on muscle toning as I want to be solid lean muscle.

I know for a fact that I UNDEReat. I do not eat enough for the amount I exercise.
 
^^ Hmmm, that is really tricky hun. I know exactly what you mean though, in that you know you're undereating, yet you still do it. I did the same thing for years.

Do you feel lethargic when you're doing cardio sometimes? Have you tried doing intense exercise when you've been eating a lot? e.g. having a big healthy lunch then exercising later that afternoon? The reason that I ask these questions is that for me, there aren't many better feelings in the world than doing some hardcore cardio exercise and having not only enough energy to do it well, but extra energy to push yourself harder than you did the last time. And that feeling of energy only comes from eating enough food. Know what I mean? The endorphins and the feeling of health and achievement are really amazing. Plus, eating a lot of the right foods gives you the energy to really take your training to the next level, and you will look muscly, toned and just plain awesome :)

I remember exercising hard when I had hardly eaten anything, and it just plain hurts :(

When I'm exercising a lot, sometimes it is astounding how much food I eat in a day. The anorexic/bulimic me would have a fit even thinking about it :D But it's all healthy food and my metabolism processes it properly because of the exercise, and the feeling of "fullness" dissipates really quickly so any feelings of guilt associated with that are minimal.

Also, (and this is something that was really hard for me to adjust to), when you're doing weights training, you may actually gain weight when you step on the scales because muscle weighs more than fat. For this reason I got rid of my scales (and stopped using the ones at the gym) because the increase in numbers was freaking me out.

xxkcxx said:
I really, really hate my body tonight :(

And, I'm going through some stuff right now, cause I will have a car and some money tomorrow, and I really want to numb this feeling and go get high :(
Click to expand...

That is totally not an option kc, don't even think about it. You're so much stronger than that. You will get through this without drugs.
 
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I have started back on meth every now and then, to try and help me get back down to 47kg, it isn't working, but I dont even like it, there is no enjoyment in taking it anymore, at all, and it certainly no longer helps me keep things tidy and organised, i dont want to do it anymore, im not going to... le *sigh* I'll have to join a fucking gym, and get used to feeling hungry all over again... : / I've started posting back at some pro-ana sites i used to be glued to years ago... I just want to be thin again.
 
^ Meth isn't the answer, hun. Like you said, it eventually gets to the stage that it's no longer enjoyable and you need more and more just to feel it working (plus it's fucking expensive over here in NZ!). I don't have an eating disorder myself so I guess I don't fully understand how people with anorexia or bulimia feel, but I'm severely underweight (mostly cos of the meth, I'll admit) and I know all the health problems that go along with it. I've got all the signs of malnourishment, and my internal organs aren't in good shape. Give the gym a try. It's a much healthier alternative, and once you get into the routine and start to know the other people there, you might really enjoy it! It's worth a try. :)
 
Im thinking about joining this womens only gym thats near my boyfriends house, everyone who goes there is like mum-ish, you know fat and middle aged and mum like, i dont think i'll make friends, but at least i wont be glancing across the room after struggling with the 2kg weights only to see some dude lifting more than I weigh starring at me like im pathetic like my last attempt at a gym membership. if i wasnt all chubby i'ld get back into fighting, its the only exercise I'm good at, i havnt got the grace for those machines haha, especially the thigh ones, gumpy spaz co-ordination, and the other leg ones suck too coz ur not allowed to turn ur feet in and go knock kneed but it burns and it fucking difficult to keep legs straight, i walk slightly turned inwards, I remember seeing a girl walk with her feet turned out when i was 11 and i thought it looked realy ugly, so i always made sure my feet never turn outwards, slighly inward is ok. I want to buy the ab circle pro from the infomercials, but i cant coz i remeber when i bought the ab king pro, and my arms werent long enough, and it sucked and the side crunches couldnt do coz hip bones dig into the stupid seat/back support bull... and pro active, pro active was shit and didnt work too....
 
^ I'm sure you'll find a gym that isn't full of mums! My sister goes to a gym several times a week, and apparently a lot of the people there are around her age. Try not to worry what other people at the gym might think. Most people there are probably focusing on their own routines, rather than watching others. If you wanna buy some exercise equipment I'd recommend looking on Trade Me. There's some good bargains there! I bought myself an exercycle from Trade Me a couple of years ago... though I gotta admit, I'm now using more as a clothes rack than an exercise machine lol. My self discipline ain't good. :\
 
My gym is not exclusively female but the only dudes there seem to be partners of women members. It is a fitness studio that only has classes and personal training. It is worth $85/month. I am bever bored and look forward to working out. There are all ages and all sizes. We have a really positive vibe there. The last generic gym I was at no one said hi to each other...at least no one did to me.
 
The thing is, I"m not concerned about gaining weight-maybe it's because I'm aware that I'm underweight and can afford to gain 5-20 lbs (haha, though God knows if I gain more than 5 I'll be pissed). I can't relate to eating a really healthy lunch and working out because I usually don't have time for lunch and have (at '1-2pm) some nuts and fruit and that's about it. Strangely I find myself fueled with energy and not lethargic or in pain. The only time I find myself light headed or feeling like I'll pass out is after I've used too many CNS depressants of a sort. IT seems that is more the danger then the lack of calories.

My metabolism is great, it seems. I eat, I poop (I only say because when I had an ED this didn't happen regularly, as most of you know), etc.

--I have a surgery today so...wish me luck :O
 
i know of people who have had diet pills on hand, just something there to take if it ever got too bad, to feel like youre doing something, moving towards something ideal. a few pills on a bad day can stave off the really terrible feelings and falling badly into old habits.

its like an addiction. i always keep something small on hand just when it gets too much the placebo effect of dropping something small can help me get thru the roughest of the emotions i felt at the time, until im in a headspace to realise its not the best course of action.
 
eitak012 said:
I used to diet all the time.
not anymore.
I was taking amps for a while, I never ate.
I think my stomach shrunk.
Now WHEN I eat, I feel sick...
most likely throw up.
..
..
..
It's actually kind of a problem.
I don't want to fix it either.
*sigh*
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This is true to me as well babes, cept not with amps...with weed.

find it hard to eat unless ive had a smoke and i limit myself to weed just to the evenings (after 10pm which is after i finish work) and weekends so that i can get stuff done. as a result my appetite has disappeared.

Used to be a big eater but fast metabolism so id never been above 8 st 12 lbs (im about 5' 5")
but now im 7st 11 lbs and because i feel either sicky or full up i forget to eat, and because i havent been eating properly for a long period of time i think my tummy shrunk...(and maybe a few stims as well, but not amazing amounts)
and even when i can eat when i get the munchies, its not a lot and usually not the right kind of thing to eat.

I know what i should do to change this, but worried that not smoking weed will do more harm than good to my head, which iv worked so hard to keep stable!!!

unless anyone can help me to find something to keep my body and my mind both happy?

cheers buzz xxx
 
I would never recommend a diet pill. Yes, I've fucked around with them in the past but they are nothing more than a crutch. I remember buying them and throwing them away hours later in protest of my attempts at stability. These will not help you feel better. I think all of you know that.

Advise for how to make your mind / body feel better? I think most of you all, and myself, know the answer to this. It's a routine. A healthy , or as healthy as you can make it, regimen. Wake up at the same time everyday, do a decent work out, eat fruit or something for breakfast. Snack every 4 hours (nuts, fruit are my snacks). Get outside again. Just keep yourself moving, writing, researching. Go to bed at the same time every night (or before a certain time) . No supplement will make you feel better. Only temporarily. Following will only come a deeper depression and worsening of your situation.
 
kc, diet pills are a big no-no hun. You know this. They don't help anything. At best they might help you lose a few pounds, but afterwards the weight will come straight back on. If you want to lose weight and tone up you really need to do some exercise and eat healthy food. It is the only way to acheive a a long-term healthy looking body <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
kc, diet pills are a big no-no hun. You know this. They don't help anything. At best they might help you lose a few pounds, but afterwards the weight will come straight back on. If you want to lose weight and tone up you really need to do some exercise and eat healthy food. It is the only way to acheive a a long-term healthy looking body <3
Click to expand...

It's true. Unfortunately it's so much easier to realize/say, rationalize, etc...once you're either recovered or been in recovery for a bit of time. It's been a year since I've purged and only now do I realize what a dumbass I was. And I don't mean that anyone is a dumbass. ;) Aaaaaah yes. It's just nice to finally have the ability to self-realize accurately .
 
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