TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Yes.

At the hospital I was at, ED patients were on the same floor as self-injurers for some reason. I had always had body issues and issues with food, but I developed my ED while on that floor being treated for self-injury, not even ED.

It was so hard for me to see these girls who were incredibly emaciated taking the full 45 minutes to eat their lunch, complaining how they look "pregnant" they were so filled with food, trying to find any trick to get out of eating something on their plate (the menu didn't say there would be mayo--do I have to eat it?)

Roughly 3-4 months later I was hospitalized for detox and put on ED protocol because my relationship with food had seriously deteriorated from terrible to absolutely horrendous.

Most places that I went to kept the two separate. There were a couple places that had an ED ward and a "general" ward-- but ED ward was generally a lot less "crazy"-- we could have group therapy and sit down and talk, whereas as most patients on the general ward were violent towards themselves and each other, and couldn't sit down long enough to have a group. Cutters were usually put on that ward just because there wasn't anywhere else to go, but occasionally they would put them on the ED ward if the general ward was full, or they felt like they really wouldn't benefit from just being in their rooms essentially and the groups and envioment on the ED ward would be better... that's the only time I've seen them mixed, unless they just had one adolescent ward.

I think most disorders that deal with addition are related-- cutting, drugs, drinking, EDs-- but there's not much point in putting people together just because they're all sick and might have some connections. I think among older populations it doesn't cause much harm, but among adolescents it can be harmful to both sides to be put together in that enviroment-- I've seen eating disorder patients pick up behaviors from cutters, cutters from eating disorder patients, etc. Unfortuantely it's not just limited to cross disorders though, I developed a lot of behaviors from being with other ED patients and the first time I was in treatment I definitely left much sicker than I was when I went in. Treatment is not the best thing for everybody at certain points in their lives-- unfortunately it's inevitable if your life is on the line.

When girls get first get admitted (from my own experience anyway) it can be extremely difficult to get through a meal so that doesn't bother me so much, and if you have to put down 2,000 calories for a meal that will take you at least 30 minutes to get through, if not more. But it annoys me when girls are obviously taking 45 minutes to get through a piece of bread and some grapes. One of the times I was admitted it was just me and two other girls for a couple weeks-- me and one girl were on over 4,000 cals a day and this other girl was on like 1,500 IF that. I really didn't like her for many reasons but she could never be the first one to finish her meal, even though she was eating like 400 calorie meals while we were both on at least 800. I remember getting so angry at her one day I grabbed my tray and stormed out of the room and ended up eating in the "living" room and I think everyone was just too confused to say anything... after that I explained why I wouldn't eat with her and she ate in a separate room than me and the other girl for a couple meals, then came back and was eating normally. I fucking hate competitive bullshit more than anything

I gotta say that it has been really great to get all this off my chest lately. If feels good to get support instead of cut down.

Other than when I was in the hospital and was talking to the girls who also had EDs, the only person I told about my restricting and purging was my boyfriend at the time.

He told me to keep it up if it was working for me

It's good to get it out

But yeah, I know what you mean about the boyfriend comment... I have gotten that many times, the weight that I get the most compliments on is 10 pounds below my target weight, so 25 pounds under the "ideal" weight for my height. It's disgusting but what society finds attractive is not being healthy and fit, but being emaciated--. and as long as "anorexia" isn't mentioned everyone's perfectly happy and ready to praise girls for being so. That's partly why I think EDs are so difficult to get rid of, besides the results being something society praises most women have them in some form even if they aren't full blown, and the "diet" culture is stiffling in the USA anyway. For me, walking into a weight watchers meetings or sitting down to lunch across from some woman talking about how she's going on a 3 day fast is equivelent to a a smoker walking into a smoke shop, or an alcoholic sititng down at a bar.

But just ignore comments like that, and use them as a screening process to get the bad people out of your life

I would have guessed late 20's early 30's; just on the stuff you write about. You sound like a well-seasoned veteran (haha take that as a comlpiment )

Haha thanks, I will

 

[xxkcxx]

How are we all doing today?

I am trying to get myself back on track, but it's not going so easy. I'm constantly teetering between too little and too much of EVERYTHING. Not just food, but drugs and other things as well.

Have you guys come to know the feeling of "oh, shit, this is the start of something bad"? Cause after all these years, I get that feeling when I know things are slipping to the point of no return. I guess it is a good thing cause I can try to rectify the situation ahead of time but it's still scary cause I know where I go to from this feeling.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I always have that feeling... but when it comes to EDs there's nothing to stop it. Even if I do catch myself and stop, the hours of anxiety and depression over my weight have already begun and I'm about to become imobile.

Doing bad today, I haven't eaten anything since last night. But that is this drug. I am hoping I gained some weight on those three days, won't let myself weight myself until Sunday though so we'll see.

 

[kcfaerydust]

hello. kc- i usually go running towards that place beyond control. ive said this before but i discovered that life doesnt feel right to me unless im in crisis. its sick and twisted but i think i get bored if im not making things as difficult as possible. i dont know. on the food front, i ate some pretzles on wednesday, i think. ive been off and on speed too. im scared of feeling hungry, in general and now. hunger makes me panic. ive always carried my emotions in my stomach which plays a lot into the ed. when i was little and i was nervous or scared or something i would get stomach aches. panic and fear definately lives in my tummy. thats why when i panic, i end up bingeing to smother it or else i try to run away from it and i try to block it out by starving. also when i eat anything my body panics and i end up purging, even when its something i want to keep down. i get uncomfortable and freak out. anyway, i was so weak and dizzy at work from the drugs and lack of food and drink. i tried to eat some starburst- a boost of sugar, non overwhelming. but from the speed i have huge sores on my tongue from my tounge pushing against my teeth. they hurt so bad and i couldnt even eat the candy. blah.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I've gained five pounds

Granted, I lost weight and then gained it back and a couple more... so I'm not that far ahead at all really. Still more than 15 away from my fucking retarded goal weight (that I can never be at).

My insurance starts up again in April so I'm going to go get weighed and have my EKG and whatnot, I'm nervous. If I gain seven more I'll be at the weight my father made the cut off, but at this point I don't even think it really matters anymore. He's not going to change his mind.

I keep telling myself I need to gain weight and keep thinking I will be happy but it just makes me so fucking depressed and feel so gross, now I don't even want to go to work tomorrow I just want to stay in bed and hide my fat self from the world. I rarely weigh myself because this always happens, and I know numbers don't matter, but they do, and I feel like I have to monitor my weight now or I'll have no idea what's really going on.

 

[n3ophy7e]

mia, please don't fret about gaining the weight. You know you need it. It's not a bad thing okay?? It's healthy and it's normal. And you need it to get your insurance. You need your insurance! You can do this honey

He told me to keep it up if it was working for me

Oh dear god!! I'm glad you don't have that loser in your life anymore hun
And what's with that anyway?? Whenever I was skinny and hadn't eaten for weeks/months, I would get more comments about how good I looked...??
Not very conducive to getting better.
*sigh* if only people knew...

Can i just say a special hello to kcfaerydust, I'm glad you found this thread and I hope you can gain something good from all of this

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Thanks hun

I'm trying to be positive, I just can't think about anything else but how disgusting I feel. I don't want to outside, I don't want to be seen. I know this is a ridiculous overreaction but it's what always happens, what keeps me in this ED. I keep trying to eat today because I know just losing the five pounds will not get me anywhere and I'll have to gain it back. But it makes me feel physically sick to think about... I've just drank a couple Odwalla protein shakes.

 

[RxobbyOC]

its hard.two major addictions,ugh.hmph.

 

[DustInTheWind]

i was pretty much anorexic in 7th grade...ate maybe an apple for lunch, drank some orange juice for dinner or something like that. counted my calories like crazy and refused to go over 300 in a day if i remember correctly. always thought about how many calories i've consumed. lost a bunch of hair and probably a ton of brain cells. finally parents noticed (i lost 20 lbs) and made me go to the doctor, who said i was anorexic. when she finally just said it in my face it kind of hit me...and it was pretty scary so i decided that it was okay to eat. i just wanted to lose a few pounds (some kids were making fun of me for being fat or whatever) and ended up having an eating disorder....

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I don't understand how EDs come and go with some people, or people remember a period of being anorexic and it's just a year or so of their past.. and then there are people are like me who can't get a day away from this shit for over a decade and are stuck in this warped version of hell every moment of every day. How do people get the ED out of their head for months or years let alone forever? I just want a day of not thinking about this, I would give anything for just an day, I can't even imagine what it would be like.

 

[Dave]

For me, it took some pretty intense therapy. Even then it's still there, just not as loud if you get what I mean. I've even still binged on occasion, although less often and less severely.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Are the insecurities and thoughts still there though, or have you gotten rid of them mostly?

I mean, I've gone through periods where I just really bit down (no pun intended) and forced myself to follow my diet plan, but I was in no way doing better mentally, just physically. So I just wonder what "recovered" has come to mean, are people actually out of the ED mindset or are they just going through the motions of being recovered?

I have done everything, over eight hospitalizations and treatment programs, ten years of therapy, been given ultimatums, incentives, tried 12 step ED programs and every variety of therapy out there, lost any chance of the career I want, am predicted due to my bone density my osteopenia will advance to osteoperosis in the next six months, and have less than a 10% chance of being able to conceive. I hate my anorexia more than anything in the world, but the hold it has over me and my ability to function is something I have been completely unable to shake lose.

 

[xxkcxx]

Oh, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Earlier, after breakfast, my stomach felt so full and I thought I might not even make it to the bathroom be because my gag reflex was like on a hair trigger.

But I breathed deep and I didn't purge

Good luck to everyone of my girls and guys out there, I love you and if I can do it you can too!

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I just threw all of the food that I bought this morning in the dumpster outside my apartment buildings...

what the fuck is wrong with me...

 

[xxkcxx]

^ aw, mia...hugs, dear.

What brought it on? Just the regular thoughts, or did something in particular come up before you decided to do it?

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I'm just hungry

And I couldn't stop thinking about all the food I had bought and it was freaking me out, I felt like I was going to go eat everything in the kitchen so I just threw everything away so I would stop thinking about it....

I guess lately I have had some binge episodes. Generally I hate putting anything in my mouth but randomly lately I've gone on a few binges.... I don't know, it's hard to tell sometimes if I really am just starving or I'm eating for another reason

 

[claire22]

^ I do that too, I chucked all my housemates food out because I ate a bit of toast and freaked out. Threw about $50 worth out. She wasn't happy lol

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Haha yeah, when I lived at home my mom flipped out after coming home a few times to a completely empty kitchen %)

Luckily it was only $20 worth of food since I don't buy food in bigger than $20 increments... as much as it freaks me out to have food in my home, I fucking LOVE grocery stores, I never spend less than two hours grocery shopping. My therapist refers to it as "cruising".... basically I could spend a whole aftenoon looking at food labels and be extremely entertained, I wouldn't buy or eat a thing, for some reason it's extremely interesting and calming for me to read them... I ran away from a few in-patient treatment centers when I was a minor and I know by the third time time after they called my therapist to tell him his response was just "just go look in the yellow book and find the grocery stores within walking distance, she's in one of those" and that was where I got picked up by the police

 

[BeckyLee]

For me personally, the ED came before drug use, but they are two peas in a pod for me. Because I have an addictive personality, I have been able to replace anorexia/bulimia with other substances in the past... which is still not good.
My mental health practitioner believes the disordered eating is a symptom of my overall brain cooties, so we are trying out various cocktails.
I do NOT think medication is THE answer or that everyone should just go on meds... but if your brain chemistry is, due to drug use or mental illness, an issue, psychotropic medication could possibly HELP.
Not feeling in control is my main trigger, and since I am currently living in the sticks with no automotive transportation, it's been a real foil for my recovery.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I just threw all of the food that I bought this morning in the dumpster outside my apartment buildings...

what the fuck is wrong with me...

Yeah I've done that many times too. Do you find you go in to robot-mode when you do it though?? Like, you aren't thinking conciously about it and therefore can't stop yourself?

Next time it happens, really try to bring it back to concious thought, and STOP yourself from doing it.

Works for me, in lots of situations. That's mainly what helped me stop the bulimia cycle. It also helps me with drinking (or NOT drinking rather )