Early signs of depression?

[noregrets2011]

If any of you have read my earlier posts, I've been struggling with seeing a girl for a while now. I may lose my honours at my University because I fucked up going to an exam, I'm broke, have been waiting on my student loan for ages, landlord's chasing me and it's all getting too much.

I'm 20 years of age and have never had problems with depression or anything before. But for the past month or so I've not slept more than 4 hours a night on average, I often stay up for more than 24 hours (at least once a week) and I have no energy to do anything. I don't know what's coming over me.

I don't feel suicidal and I'm unsure whether I am depressed or not. I just can't put my emotions or feelings into words, the easiest way too describe it is I feel numb on the inside. I have a very good time when I'm in company of my friends, but when I'm alone these feelings get the better of me and I lie in bed at night replaying arguments and scenarios and whatever's getting me down in my head.

I just feel like I need a release.

And before anyone says anything about drugs, I only very very occasionally take MDMA every 3+ months if that, smoke hash once every few weeks to a month and haven't taken coke in over a year, so I don't think it's the drugs making me feel this way.

 

[DexterMeth]

You should start going to runs and what not. If I get in a job a few hours before I plan on going to bed, I sleep well. Mentioned it in another thread earlier, but have you tried melatonin for sleep? It helps A LOT.

Hang out with your friends more often? Track down what is triggering these feelings and confront it head on. It will not go away on its own.

 

[noregrets2011]

I live with friends so spend almost every hour of the day with them, I might try your jogging suggestion, I need to speak to one of the problems but I'm not going to see them for another 5 weeks or so :/

 

[queenscarlet88]

I'm 21, at college, and also barely sleeping. It's rough and it gets to me. When I sleep well my despair dispels. Are you already adhering to good sleep hygiene?

Out of curiosity, if you take drugs so infrequently, why are you on Bluelight?

 

[noregrets2011]

Because I go through phases of taking them, so often have a couple of weeks of hitting a lot of MDMA, or up until a year ago went through a few months of snorting charlie every weekend and often in the week if I was going out, and then always take a massive break cos I go off them for a while and think I should cut down. This weekend however am getting some green rolexes in so no doubt I'm going to go through another spell for the first time since November. And if I have hash I will smoke it for a couple of weeks and then have a month or so off. So it is infrequent, but I have spells of not giving a fuck basically and pulling a 3 week sicky to get twisted. I have to do it though cos I feel like a space cadet otherwise.

 

[n@nn@]

Feeling numb on the inside is how I feel when I'm depressed, empty is another good description. I do boxing for fitness and power walk (can't jog to save my life). It does help but I know what you mean about when you're alone and the numbness creeps in. If this feeling becomes more frequent or stronger, please see a doctor. I imagine you wouldn't share your feelings with your friends especially when you don't understand them yourself, and being so young it's probably not something you can sit and chat about with your mates. This is a great place to share your dark feelings so please let us know how you're going

 

[noregrets2011]

Sorry guys for boring you with all my problems, I was speaking to the girl who was one of the problems just, and it's made me realise that I've been trying to bury my problems for too long with alcohol or whatever I can get my hands on. Although the conversation was a sad one and we're gunna go our separate ways for a while, which I know from past experiences means nothings ever gunna happen again, but I feel a massive weight has lifted off of me and oddly feel happy that I can close that chapter.

I feel very motivated to get fit again and achieve at uni and just enjoy everything cos I've felt so awful for the past few months. Thanks to everyone, oddly as well I wanna cry with happiness, even though I don't cry, but still, hopefully soon I'll start getting my own way.

Thanks everyone for commenting

 

[n@nn@]

I wasn't bored my friend you're taking positive steps which is great and why blokes don't cry is beyond me, it's a damn great release

 

[noregrets2011]

I wasn't bored my friend you're taking positive steps which is great and why blokes don't cry is beyond me, it's a damn great release

I know what you mean, the odd times I have cried have made me feel so much better after than making me feel so wound up. For the past few hours I've found that it's helped me writing, oddly, because I'm actually a chemist not a writer but hey. I've given all my friends aliases and I'm conveying some of the emotions through the characters, if this ends up as a teen drama (even though I'm no longer one) you may all see me on the bbc soon haha

 

[badfish45]

I doubt it's the drugs. How do you feel about them? Most likely I feel like you're starting to become busy with life and it's becoming unpleasant to you. I agree with Dexter's advice, try to get out and do something. Make steps to be healthier and improve your overall fitness and health, and maybe that will help. How do you generally feel inside? Of course those binges of MDMA could mess up your serotonin levels... be careful.

 

[noregrets2011]

I doubt it's the drugs. How do you feel about them? Most likely I feel like you're starting to become busy with life and it's becoming unpleasant to you. I agree with Dexter's advice, try to get out and do something. Make steps to be healthier and improve your overall fitness and health, and maybe that will help. How do you generally feel inside? Of course those binges of MDMA could mess up your serotonin levels... be careful.

How do I feel about the drugs? Well if it's like alcohol or hash which I've been having a lot of lately, I tend to think well hash isn't going to do much harm and I'm legally allowed to drink so fuck it. But my problem is that they're easy ways to "forget" problems, and if I'm a bit down the first thing I suggest to my mates is either going out or getting baked, but then when I stop it I'm like fuck I've left this so long to sort this shit out and hate myself for just trying to bury problems. MDMA, which I'm going to be on in about 14 hours time, I only ever use if I want to have a great night out, love the euphoria hate the comedown and too many comedowns in a row makes me stop for months at a time. Coke I haven't touched in a year, I like the rush but I did go through a big coke phase in my first year at uni and had to stop cos I got aggressive on it and hope I won't ever really touch it again.

 

[1114]

Sounds like you're highly stressed. I'd recommend talking to a student counseling group/psychologist. If you payed into your student health plan, definitely go see a professional... they've been dealing with cases like you for years and years.

 

[noregrets2011]

Sounds like you're highly stressed. I'd recommend talking to a student counseling group/psychologist. If you payed into your student health plan, definitely go see a professional... they've been dealing with cases like you for years and years.

What's a student health plan? I'm from the UK, I'm pretty certain my uni has counsellors I can see for free, I don't like making a big deal of my problems though, I'm the kind of person who gets embarrassed talking to professionals about my feelings etc

 

[Sheffsam]

What's a student health plan? I'm from the UK, I'm pretty certain my uni has counsellors I can see for free, I don't like making a big deal of my problems though, I'm the kind of person who gets embarrassed talking to professionals about my feelings etc

Yeah, all UK unis have free counselling afaik, and while I understand (and share) your reticence of talking to professionals it might be worth checking them out and them maybe suggesting some coping mechanisms before any problems have a chance to become overwhelming. They'll be understanding, student life is frequently extremely stressful.

For me, the biggest indication of depression is the sudden loss of interest in things I used to enjoy, do you suffer from that at all?

I also agree with Badfish that MDMA can mess with your neurochem for longer than you might suspect, and possibly binges and breaks (exactly what I used to do) are worse than single spaced out rolls.

 

[herbavore]

Out of curiosity, if you take drugs so infrequently, why are you on Bluelight?

There are quite a few of us here, for many different reasons, who do not take drugs or do so very infrequently. We are here for the community and we help keep it vibrant and diverse IMO. And even more importantly maybe, we are people that don't draw a distinction between those that take drugs and those that don't because our lives and our problems intersect regardless.

 

[michael]

Sorry guys for boring you with all my problems

there is nothing to be sorry for - indeed, this is what this forum is here for.