Ah don't get me started, it's something I'm tangled up with in my head. He came in, had a go at me for drinking he smelt it instantly. Asked me how many cans, I said two, he accused me of lying. He always does. He has massive insecurity issues, I'm not even allowed to go see a friend in Bath who has posted in this thread actually.
He'd got 2 b's and a white in his pocket. I think the mate chipped in on it, I don't know where BF's money came from, I think it was a blag from his mother today. So, he was sorting one of our mates out with too, that was all cooked up, and he kept my syringe behind his ear. I asked where mine was, our mate said he's got it behind his ear. I looked at our mate as if to say, yeah that does not mean I'm going to get it. He snapped at me because I answered a question our mate said, and my mate was even backing me up, saying no, she did say that, I did ask her that. My boyfriend told me to shut up, accusing me of being pissed, clenching his teeth, and pointed at my face, but let his finger touch my face, and pushed it into my cheek.
Mate leaves our room, boyfriend then asks me again, why did I have to drink, did I not think he'd want a can and I've spent the last of our money so he now can't have one. He keeps on asking, what was so wrong today, why were you so upset you couldn't wait to drink until I got home. Questions that I can hardly give an answer too, OR more like he should have been more sensitive with me.
I ask him for my hit, he says, 'You don't want one do you, you've had a drink, you're the one who's determined to go clean, so......' He's done this before, basically had me begging for it. Until I wise up and think what the fuck am I doing, so shut up and don't bite to his digs. So, he relents and says, almost with a bit of niceness 'put the belt on then find a vein' It's all about control with him. The same with other things I'm not going to go into.
Then, when he's all feeling better after his hit (He's always snappy with me before his hit, thinking i'll forget once we've both been sorted) he pulls out a tenner, and says, 'Go shop then, get two cans'. So, he just had to have the power trip of making me feel guilty for spending what he made out to be out last 2 quid, when he had a tenner in his pocket after all.
He's all happy now, gone out and said when he comes back in, it'll be as if earlier didn't happen, we'll start again as if he's just walked in from work.
Control freaks. Addicts. I can't see it ever changing, or me getting clean unless I take my control back.
And, for anyone who thinks I go on too much (OTW mentioned something like I use this place like my blog) I literally have not seen a person to sit and talk to other than people my boyfriend knows, so cant really talk to them, in almost a year. I have not sat down with anyone in real life without my boyfriend being there, for pretty much a year. (I've tried with a real life friend, but we both have issues, so it never takes off the ground, so I'm not including that in my count of a year)I don't have anyone else to talk to.