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EADD Oi! What do you look like? v. XIV: Porno Kickstarter Thread

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Its alright funkylady bodda doesnt give a shit

As for that stuff with your boyfriend, dont tolerate that shite
 
Perhaps you should leave him then? (Former?) addicts need to be in an environment sterile of any verbal abuse or hostility.

Ah don't get me started, it's something I'm tangled up with in my head. He came in, had a go at me for drinking he smelt it instantly. Asked me how many cans, I said two, he accused me of lying. He always does. He has massive insecurity issues, I'm not even allowed to go see a friend in Bath who has posted in this thread actually.

He'd got 2 b's and a white in his pocket. I think the mate chipped in on it, I don't know where BF's money came from, I think it was a blag from his mother today. So, he was sorting one of our mates out with too, that was all cooked up, and he kept my syringe behind his ear. I asked where mine was, our mate said he's got it behind his ear. I looked at our mate as if to say, yeah that does not mean I'm going to get it. He snapped at me because I answered a question our mate said, and my mate was even backing me up, saying no, she did say that, I did ask her that. My boyfriend told me to shut up, accusing me of being pissed, clenching his teeth, and pointed at my face, but let his finger touch my face, and pushed it into my cheek.

Mate leaves our room, boyfriend then asks me again, why did I have to drink, did I not think he'd want a can and I've spent the last of our money so he now can't have one. He keeps on asking, what was so wrong today, why were you so upset you couldn't wait to drink until I got home. Questions that I can hardly give an answer too, OR more like he should have been more sensitive with me.

I ask him for my hit, he says, 'You don't want one do you, you've had a drink, you're the one who's determined to go clean, so......' He's done this before, basically had me begging for it. Until I wise up and think what the fuck am I doing, so shut up and don't bite to his digs. So, he relents and says, almost with a bit of niceness 'put the belt on then find a vein' It's all about control with him. The same with other things I'm not going to go into.

Then, when he's all feeling better after his hit (He's always snappy with me before his hit, thinking i'll forget once we've both been sorted) he pulls out a tenner, and says, 'Go shop then, get two cans'. So, he just had to have the power trip of making me feel guilty for spending what he made out to be out last 2 quid, when he had a tenner in his pocket after all.

He's all happy now, gone out and said when he comes back in, it'll be as if earlier didn't happen, we'll start again as if he's just walked in from work.

Control freaks. Addicts. I can't see it ever changing, or me getting clean unless I take my control back.

And, for anyone who thinks I go on too much (OTW mentioned something like I use this place like my blog) I literally have not seen a person to sit and talk to other than people my boyfriend knows, so cant really talk to them, in almost a year. I have not sat down with anyone in real life without my boyfriend being there, i've had enjoyable nights out, but with my boyfriend and mutual mates, for pretty much a year. (I've tried with a real life friend, but we both have issues, and are as bad as eachother when it comes to sorting things out, so it never takes off the ground, so I'm not including that in my count of a year)I don't have anyone else to talk to.
 
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I doubt anyone thinks you go on too much. a lot of us are more than happy to listen
 
Ah don't get me started, it's something I'm tangled up with in my head. He came in, had a go at me for drinking he smelt it instantly. Asked me how many cans, I said two, he accused me of lying. He always does. He has massive insecurity issues, I'm not even allowed to go see a friend in Bath who has posted in this thread actually.

He'd got 2 b's and a white in his pocket. I think the mate chipped in on it, I don't know where BF's money came from, I think it was a blag from his mother today. So, he was sorting one of our mates out with too, that was all cooked up, and he kept my syringe behind his ear. I asked where mine was, our mate said he's got it behind his ear. I looked at our mate as if to say, yeah that does not mean I'm going to get it. He snapped at me because I answered a question our mate said, and my mate was even backing me up, saying no, she did say that, I did ask her that. My boyfriend told me to shut up, accusing me of being pissed, clenching his teeth, and pointed at my face, but let his finger touch my face, and pushed it into my cheek.

Mate leaves our room, boyfriend then asks me again, why did I have to drink, did I not think he'd want a can and I've spent the last of our money so he now can't have one. He keeps on asking, what was so wrong today, why were you so upset you couldn't wait to drink until I got home. Questions that I can hardly give an answer too, OR more like he should have been more sensitive with me.

I ask him for my hit, he says, 'You don't want one do you, you've had a drink, you're the one who's determined to go clean, so......' He's done this before, basically had me begging for it. Until I wise up and think what the fuck am I doing, so shut up and don't bite to his digs. So, he relents and says, almost with a bit of niceness 'put the belt on then find a vein' It's all about control with him. The same with other things I'm not going to go into.

Then, when he's all feeling better after his hit (He's always snappy with me before his hit, thinking i'll forget once we've both been sorted) he pulls out a tenner, and says, 'Go shop then, get two cans'. So, he just had to have the power trip of making me feel guilty for spending what he made out to be out last 2 quid, when he had a tenner in his pocket after all.

He's all happy now, gone out and said when he comes back in, it'll be as if earlier didn't happen, we'll start again as if he's just walked in from work.

Control freaks. Addicts. I can't see it ever changing, or me getting clean unless I take my control back.

And, for anyone who thinks I go on too much (OTW mentioned something like I use this place like my blog) I literally have not seen a person to sit and talk to other than people my boyfriend knows, so cant really talk to them, in almost a year. I have not sat down with anyone in real life without my boyfriend being there, for pretty much a year. (I've tried with a real life friend, but we both have issues, so it never takes off the ground, so I'm not including that in my count of a year)I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Get him to fuck.

Different worlds and all that, but if I behaved that way to a bird in front of one of my mates I'd get knocked out.
 
Control freaks. Addicts. I can't see it ever changing, or me getting clean unless I take my control back.

What are your options CCF? You have talked about the women's hostel in the past, is that a better option than where you are now?
 
Get him to fuck.

Different worlds and all that, but if I behaved that way to a bird in front of one of my mates I'd get knocked out.

See, I don't know what my boyfriend says to this mate when I'm not around. It's a mutual friend, he lives in the bedroom across from us. But, I'd say as he's a lad, he's mostly my BF's mate. Plus, he's one of these who don't like to get involved.

Me and my BF have had actual physical fights in front of the whole hostel, and not one of them intervened with anything other than, ******* you can't behave like that to a girl, come on stop it. Fight still carries on. I don't let boys beat me up anymore, I fight back. But, I get overpowered as I'm only small.
 
My old oxy contact used to make me and other users basically beg for it, I hate the control they have once they realise they get away with it, that cunts out of my life now, I hope it gets sorted CCF, it's crippling when they think they have that kind of control, I wish you the best of luck!

I need to get a laptop til I get some photos up, not like many of you need to see another ugly mug =D
 
What are your options CCF? You have talked about the women's hostel in the past, is that a better option than where you are now?

Never ever will I go back into a womens refuge. See, the hostel i'm in the moment, is different, because it does not charge usual hostel rent rates (about 600 a month for a tiny room if it was a usual hostel) so if i went back to a refuge, I'd basically be stuck in a benefit trap. Here, I have the chance to move myself forwards once I kick the habit, and work and afford the monthly rent. It's also set up with a different ethos to a typical hostel, it's set up as a community, the service users have a say in what happens. There's a few things happening that I'm involved in at the moment, fundraising things for the hostel etc, that could lead to good things for me. I don't want to say too much.

This week we are moving to seperate rooms on the same floor with a bathroom on the floor, so we can hijack that as ours ;)(We're going to have one as the bedroom, and one as living space, but really one will still be each of our own rooms) we were only supposed to be in one room temporarily until the hostel boss got another property, but, that took him longer than he thought, he told me it would be 2 weeks, it's been 6 months. However, it's happened, and I'll have my own room/retreat in a few days time.

That's my plan for the moment. See if he can quit the gear, I'm not convinced enough yet, he's had clean phases lasting years at a time in his 14 years of using. I have used for 3 and a bit years, with only 2 forced breaks (Prison, so a 5 week break, and a visit home for christmas, so a week and a half break) So, i'm finding it different. I'm determined, my whole feeling is different this time. I've had enough. If he can quit.....then i'll see if HE changes. Ack, it's all up in the air. I'm also thinking, if I can't quit the gear and crack in the community, i'm going to ask to be put back into rehab housing, which is where I was when I got out of Jail, but I wasn't mentally ready. They're basically shared houses single sex, for about 5 people each, and you do groups, get drug tested weekly, and if you stick with them you eventually move on to different stage housing, then eventually to your own flat. I've a few ideas flying around, but.......at the moment i've my own issue with gear, and trying to kick it. It keeps pulling me back.

Or, if I can't get into rehab housing, I'm thinking of going 400 miles up north to stay with my father, and get clean there, but , then I NEED to come back to a clean boyfriend, and have proof of this before I come home. Otherwise it's a waste of time.

I also can't use BL when he's around, so If I don't reply tonight, it will be tomorrow.
 
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People think i'm 25. (I'm 33) and i've been an alcoholic for 10 years (not now) heavy recreational drug user for about 8, and then a Heroin and crack addict for the past 3 and a bit. I really do think drink and drugs stunt our aging process. Well, maybe if you keep your diet good, as I can't speak for every Heroin addict I come into contact with around here. My boyfriend is 32, and looks young and he's been using for 14 years!

Not sure about booze. Think that ages folk.

TBH its probably mostly genetics. I got Id'd 2 nights a go for a booze delivery.......at 36 :D

BTW..........got 6 bottles of Russian standard delivered for £48.99. They are £10 at the moment in sainsburys and you can get £15 off a £60 delivery for 1st time customers. + £3.99 delivery.
 
CCF you aren't married to this bloke who treats you like shit so if he makes you that unhappy why not do something about it?
He can't force you to stay with him and I doubt he is suddenly going to turn into mr nice guy so if you are fed up with how he treats you then find a way out rather than condemning yourself to more misery.
I know it is easier said than done but surely you must know that you deserve better than what you are getting?
 
600 a month for a tiny room, wtf

That's just refuge/hostel housing benefit rates. They claim higher support rates. So, basically, if you're homeless and want to work to get yourself out of your situation, you can't unless you get a job that can pay that much rent. It's basically a trap, as , say you wanted to start working to save for a deposit and rent on a flat to get you out of your homeless situation, it would be impossible, as you'd have to pay your hostel rent. It's catch 22.

I have my own ideas on it. Keep the down, down. People on a script, they know who you are, and where you are at least once a day as they know which chemist you'll be at to pick up your daily dose. I'd go on, but I'd be on all night.
 
Cherry have you been with your BF when he is clean?

Is he still a bullying prick? You have your goals and it sounds like he's not helping
 
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