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E stole my life

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Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
Messages
193
Location
SE England, UK
Here is my brief story and how E stole my life.

As Ironic as it sounds I have only every taken 1 or 2 'pills' which were supposed to be E but I guess I will neverknow.

I look these pills after consuming a large amount of alcohol (which I now realise was very stupid indeed). To be honest I was totally naive about E and I only took these after giving into great peer pressure that I would have a great time. It was my bachelor (Stag) party and I thought well why not be a bit naughty and give it a go just this once. (We were in Ibiza).

I took the pill (could have been 2) at about 7pm. My next memory was at 3:30am. I lost 8 hours and had no memory altough I was still out and being lead home from a club my my 'mates'. When I woke in the morning I have a very swollen lip (not swollen due to biting but more a toxic allergic reaction swelling).

The next 3 days I was generally fine although was concerned about that night where I have no memory and my weirdly distorted lip suggested something had gone wrong. It was the third day after I took these pills that all hell broke loose. My vision was all 'wonky' and I was struggling ready emails. My eyes were very sensitive to bright light. I was totally panicing and felt very nervious. I could not sleep and my mind seemed to be twisting on itself. It literally felt like I was brain damaged and my mind was writing with pain. The next two months I was off on sick leave from work. I am in my late thirties and have a very sucessfull job which I have worked very hard to get to over a 20 year period. I felt so brain damaged and that could not function.

Fast forward another 8 months and I am still in this hell. My vision is still wonky and I have the most appauling depression, zero motivation, I have lost the love for life. Total anhedonia. I feel as though my soul has been stolen and I am trapped in the empty shell of my body. Its like my mind is in a big glass box - I can see the world but I cant connect to it. My job and relationships are being destroyed by my current state.

I have done allot of research and reading on bluelight and the person I most relate to is Some Dude. He describes things exactly the way I feel. The reality is that I feel like a corps and that my life had been obliterated. What is left is constant angst, agony, detachment, anxiety and the destruction of my personality - the person I was is gone but I so yearn for him.

I subsequently heard that Some Dude had killed himself and to be honest I am not at all surprised. This current existence is a living hell. 24/7. There is no reprieve other than sleep. If I would sleep my life away I would to excape this torment. I look and sound the same but I have died and 10 months on I dont see any improvement or a way out of this.

Pre this event I had never done any hard drugs except the one off joint maybe a couple of times a year at the very most. I was ambitious, hard working, really nice guy. Had the advantage of private school and universities and had the most amazing finance. My life was set up and I was ready to take on the world with enthusiasm and passion. That is all now lost, destroyed. I have been murdered and there is no way back. I cant see any way out of this hell and am at a loss of what to do.

That pill was as good at taking a bullet to the brain. To be honest I dont think I can hold on much longer. Im not sure what response I am expecting from the Bluelight crew but all I can say is that I think this may be the end of the road for me. My 24/7 depression has had no reprieve. I feel like I am caught in a burning building and the only way out is through the window although it means certain death. At least I will then get some relief?
 
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This seems a little melodramatic in my opinion and I don't mean that to be rude or insensitive. If this pill had such a negative effect, it was probably just exacerbating something that was already there. I would try seeing a therapist and taking better care of your physical health. Nootropics, vitamins, exercise, and meditation will be your keys out of this "hell" you describe. I honestly don't think you're giving credit where credit is due and what I mean is that this was probably the reality of your life before this happened and somehow along the way you really changed the way you perceive it. Do you honestly believe that taking ONE pill, ONE time can give you permanent brain damage? Because while its not impossible, I highly doubt it was the single pill. (or two like you said)

Alcohol makes you stupid, and if anything it sounds like you hit your head while blacked out or something. Did you think of that possibility? It sounds like you were pretty intoxicated before you took it...

Please don't kill yourself, everything gets better with time.
 
^Sticky I believe you, me, and most of us here have never been through something so extreme thats lasted for so long, so you don't have any basis to come here and say he's being melodramatic.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You seem to be reading about this a lot - I hope you can take solace in knowing there are people who have been through even worse and had side effects for longer and still managed to get better and recuperate with time. Life is funny, the meaning each of us find in it can be very relative and sometimes substance use can make you re evaluate everything and shift your perspective entirely. Ups and downs are part of it for everyone, it sounds like youve been down for a long time and while I have never been through this I believe you can still make it better. Our beliefs are very powerful and just by having them we can change reality. Keep working on yourself, get good exercise, good sleep, treat your body and mind well and if you have faith that you will get better, then you will.


I wish you all the best mate.
 
If you called your local news agency & reported what's happening I am sure they will be eager to do a story on you.

Seriously, I am NOT saying your not experiencing something but

this is just hard to believe it's from taking 2 "E" pills.

You could have taken anything for all we know.
 
did other people take the same pills ?

i hope you get through this man, have you tried seeing Drs? maybe there are some pharmaceutical drugs that can help..Some say thats a bad route but just know that there ARE options and you can be treated in some way rather than just giving up
 
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Hi Nambo, I'm going through the same thing, but I like to think it's all slowly alleviating. It's just anxiety, many people have this... you're still the same guy, just you're under so much stress, and drinking the booze and ecstasy just put your body on defence mode. It's been 3 months for me, but I can say I've come such a long way. This was my third time ever doing ecstasy and I had one tiny bomb. Haha. There are infinite stories of people overcoming anxiety, with time, patience, relaxation and support too.

The best thing to do here is to not fret. At all. What's up with your vision? All I have is the eye floaters and after-images now, and truly believe when they go, there will be nothing to remind me about this ordeal. I heard about Somedud too, unfortunately some can't take it. But take into account the success stories of Dawglaw, Maya, Futura2012 and many others. I drank about 3 bottles of budweiser on my night. I don't think the binge drinking really helped (obviously) but whats done is done.

So are you still nervous about things? My nervousness died out long ago.. I just worry if I'm going to get back to normal, but then reassure myself. It sounds like the depression is a secondary symptom. They say depression is the cousin of anxiety because having anxiety is depressing. Luckily for me I came out of depression about a month ago from all this and decided to say "fuck it". All I and anyone else on here who is experiencing this feeling can say is, relax, relax your mind, relax your body and if that doesn't work, try anti-depressants for a while.

As the user surfer said, after 1 and half years of feeling like this, found his antidote which was the sentence "you start getting better, when you stop trying to get better".
 
sexNcandy said:
^Sticky I believe you, me, and most of us here have never been through something so extreme thats lasted for so long, so you don't have any basis to come here and say he's being melodramatic.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You seem to be reading about this a lot - I hope you can take solace in knowing there are people who have been through even worse and had side effects for longer and still managed to get better and recuperate with time. Life is funny, the meaning each of us find in it can be very relative and sometimes substance use can make you re evaluate everything and shift your perspective entirely. Ups and downs are part of it for everyone, it sounds like youve been down for a long time and while I have never been through this I believe you can still make it better. Our beliefs are very powerful and just by having them we can change reality. Keep working on yourself, get good exercise, good sleep, treat your body and mind well and if you have faith that you will get better, then you will.


I wish you all the best mate.
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Honestly, if I was going through something like this I wouldn't be asking for help on the internet, I would be ACTIVELY trying to fix it with REAL means (Busting my ass at the gym, researching neurogenesis and doing brain exercises, eating nootropics/vitamins/raw organic food). In a way, it is melodramatic because he has the power to change it, or at least try and it doesn't seem like he's doing that. You honestly think taking ONE pill can cause the symptoms he described to linger for 8 months? I don't. He's clinically depressed and it took a drug experience to show him the extent of it. Working one job for 20 years? Sounds like he needs to change his life.

Even if it was some terrible pipe or cathinone pill, I really don't see this happening and lasting for 8 months...

OP will be fine, he needs to change his outlook and his lifestyle.
 
nambo tut tut tut, you havn't taken in the advice that i told you on the phone....

read my thread i made a few days ago it will help you!

This is by no means a death sentence!, you will be the person you use to be, but this is up too you, there is no one in the world who can get you out of this than yourself. You are your own enemy with this, your attitude sums up why you have had it 10 months and are not getting better, because you haven't got the right attitude towards this. Ending it all is the answer, come on man your stronger than that, one night of mdma and drinking is not brain damage, its anxiety i told you this.

I know its hell , i know its the worst possible way of being at the moment. No one ever thought anything like this existed until they got it but its not a death sentence. You can beat this but you need to give your brain the time to heal , you need to stop questioning how you feel 24/7, you need to get on with life, find something that you love doing , occupy your mind and stop thinking negative things. You could be back to normal in less than 5 months if you just take this advice. If you want your old life back fight for it....

Its all down to you buddy, you have to clear your head of all the negative thoughts about this , yes its hard its very hard when you start doing it , but i promise it gets easier, the more you forget how you feel the less the symptoms become and the less it will have power over you, once the symptoms start to dimmer down, they get easier to beat and easier to handle, just stay strong !!!

as i said , if you need to talk or need any help when your doing this on how you should take things, or there are certain things that are still worrying you , ring me! im here whenever you need help, i know what your going through, i was there not long ago, i was pissed off with it all but iv nearly made it out, just fight for your life back mate and i promise you will be the old you within no time!
 
surfer179 said:
nambo tut tut tut, you havn't taken in the advice that i told you on the phone....

read my thread i made a few days ago it will help you!

This is by no means a death sentence!, you will be the person you use to be, but this is up too you, there is no one in the world who can get you out of this than yourself. You are your own enemy with this, your attitude sums up why you have had it 10 months and are not getting better, because you haven't got the right attitude towards this. Ending it all is the answer, come on man your stronger than that, one night of mdma and drinking is not brain damage, its anxiety i told you this.

I know its hell , i know its the worst possible way of being at the moment. No one ever thought anything like this existed until they got it but its not a death sentence. You can beat this but you need to give your brain the time to heal , you need to stop questioning how you feel 24/7, you need to get on with life, find something that you love doing , occupy your mind and stop thinking negative things. You could be back to normal in less than 5 months if you just take this advice. If you want your old life back fight for it....

Its all down to you buddy, you have to clear your head of all the negative thoughts about this , yes its hard its very hard when you start doing it , but i promise it gets easier, the more you forget how you feel the less the symptoms become and the less it will have power over you, once the symptoms start to dimmer down, they get easier to beat and easier to handle, just stay strong !!!

as i said , if you need to talk or need any help when your doing this on how you should take things, or there are certain things that are still worrying you , ring me! im here whenever you need help, i know what your going through, i was there not long ago, i was pissed off with it all but iv nearly made it out, just fight for your life back mate and i promise you will be the old you within no time!
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Exactly right. Don't give up hope, the power is in your hands.
 
StickyChron, nambo isn't being melodramatic, this kind of hell is something that normal, happy and healthy people can't even imagine.

Nambo i know it seems like you will never get better but you WILL. You have to believe this! I'm slowly but steadily getting better, I've had a couple of setbacks but I'm still making improvement. The first few weeks i can only describe as hell on earth, and i like you received no respite other than sleep, all i wanted to do was just go to sleep and not wake up again.

Have you considered professional help? Also if you are continuing to suffer i would perhaps consider going on an ssri. Loads of people on here seem to think that ssri's are the work of the devil but honestly, I've been on them before ages ago (before i even took drugs) and they helped me so much. If you don't get on with one you can always try another.

As i said some people might be deadly against this advice but if you have hit a brick wall with recovery and need them then don't hold yourself back. A combination of that, therapy and the other things we all say on here like exercise and eating healthy and you will be back to your old self, please believe this because it's true

Take futura for example, was suffering for so long in an unimaginable hell, has now come out the other side


Hang in there buddy, we can all get through this
 
I fully agree with thejibberman and india. I can very much relate to thejibberman, I only did xtc twice and once cocaine (combined with lots of alcohol) and this had really fucked me up. Especially the first weeks after my second xtc binge was hell on earth and I only started to see serious progress after 1 month. Right now it has been 5 months since my cocaine use and nearly 3 months since my last xtc use (I only took a quarter off a pill that night, but still wasn't fully recovered from the cocaine use) and im doing a ton better. I still feel mildly depressed now and then, mostly after waking up and still have quite some anxiety symptoms during the day. I strongly believe that in the next 5 months ill reach full recovery. From my experience it has a lot to do with mindset and living healthy (exercise, vegetables, supplements, enough sleep etc), ive seen my recovery speed up a lot after my mindset got better. Change your mindset, you will recover it might take another 8 months maybe even a couple of years before you reach full recovery but you will eventually recover. I know individuals where full recovery/close to full recovery took over 3 years and some of them are still improving! The mind is a very powerful organ do not underestimate it.
 
Um... no offense... BUT - u didn't take E. Now I can't comment on yr mental state, and I feel for u, AND i get the feelin' u prob should be using anything in the first place... Some ppl can, others can't... I've seen ppl lose it on Red Bull... no shit. Me, I can drink short blacks before bed, bottles of pills yada yada...
But hey - look - meditation can be E or H if u know what yr doing? Try that, seek help. Chin up. You'll be alright.
PtP
 
Nambo said:
I took the pill (could have been 2) at about 7pm. My next memory was at 3:30am. I lost 8 hours and had no memory altough I was still out and being lead home from a club my my 'mates'. When I woke in the morning I have a very swollen lip (not swollen due to biting but more a toxic allergic reaction swelling).

The next 3 days I was generally fine although was concerned about that night where I have no memory and my weirdly distorted lip suggested something had gone wrong. It was the third day after I took these pills that all hell broke loose. My vision was all 'wonky' and I was struggling ready emails.
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this doesn't sound like mdma at all. of course we'll never know what kind of pill you took (and also what else you did in that night which could have offered more clues).

anyway, the rest of your post describes derealisation/depersonalisation pretty well. there are a lot of substances (it doesn't necessarily have to be substances, there are enough people who develop dr/dp with any drug use) that can cause dr/dp: dissociatives, psychedelics, antidepressants, solvents, mdma and even alcohol and weed. with mdma it's usually (in those rare cases when it occurs) a consequence of anxiety and subsides when you have the anxiety under control (which is hard at first, but is a positive since you can influence the symptoms positively by ignoring them [been there, done that]). psychedelics are similar in that dr/dp can be caused by traumatic experiences and dissipates once you have come to terms with and properly integrated what had happened (kinda like ptsd).
for the rest it's rather a sort of "built-in" effect and some people are especially susceptible for developing dr/dp from one or more of these substances (as opposed to having slight transient dr/dp-like effects for the duration of the effect). i myself have had dr/dp for nearly 2 years from weed (1.5 of those were completely drug-free). and it was much more severe than from mdma or dissociatives (thankfully i never tried a high dose of those). but the downside is: there's nothing you can do about it except wait it out. weed didn't steal my life, my unusual reaction to it made 2 years comparatively dull and unpleasant, but life goes on time is on your side.

we don't know what happened in that night and we cannot be sure what is the cause for you. but the cause of action doesn't really change. try to do what you usually do, try not to think too much about it. in the best case you will see quick improvement once you learn to igore it, in the worst case it will be a long and tedious process with no apparent improvement for a some time (well, you've already been through that), but be assured that you will eventually get better and feel like your normal self again. a good idea might also be to see a psychotherapist to help you through this time.
 
Man PLEASE , LISTEN here! it took me 2 long years to see the beginning of a new life coming, of course im not so good as i was 2 years ago, but i did recovered something, no more anxiety 24/7 , i can start doing things again , my last improvement happened from one week to another! i was living in you hell (i had also excruciating jaw pain that is here still but lessened i think) for 1 YEAR, i was mind dead, it wanst me, not even my voice, i was a zombie, nobody believe were i really was..i wish i could had my 2 legs broken sited in a wheel chair really. no joking, im here. not a hero , just a survivor that nobody seems to see in my eyes. still fighting some brainshit MDMA did on me (tested!!!).
if u were death now
if you had a chance to come back life...would you take that? do it for me! stay there were you are for 2 years like me , then take your choice.
 
Black said:
i myself have had dr/dp for nearly 2 years from weed (1.5 of those were completely drug-free). and it was much more severe than from mdma or dissociatives (thankfully i never tried a high dose of those). but the downside is: there's nothing you can do about it except wait it out. weed didn't steal my life, my unusual reaction to it made 2 years comparatively dull and unpleasant, but life goes on time is on your side.
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off topic but sorry had to add, i read the symptoms OP has and it is very similar to what i felt like at the peak of my weed 'abuse'. vision felt weird and sensitive and everything bothered me (to the point where i cut my hair myself one day cuz i just couldnt take it even seing my hair was bothersome enough), and felt completely dull and empty, distant from myself, like i didn't know who i was anymore, as if 'i' was left behind, back when i started smoking weed all day every day. it makes me glad to see i'm not the only one who apparently got DP/DR from weed. mine lasted much less though than 2 years though.

so OP i don't have experience with those heavy MDMA comedowns but if weed induced DP/DR is anything like it, you'll have to wait it off. abstaining from psychedelics could be a good idea too. see what works for you. eat healthy, exercise, see a therapist, read some self-help books, stay positive, don't kill yourself. you'll have to at least distract yourself from this.

good luck and peace
 
People that are going through this
"Thing"
You are talking about must be 1 % of the drug consuming , population.

You should all go testify to your government how "BAD" weed, coke, & MDMA really are.

& they should pass unrealistic drug laws that teach the rest of the drug using population a lesson.

Get a GRIP!

Its all in your head.
 
I'm sorry you have to suffer some of the fucktards in this thread Nambo.

I was really hoping you had gotten some relief by now. However, not being recovered at 10 months does not mean you will never recover. Most of the real recovery stories from MDMA induced damage take >1 year. Keep your hopes up man. Your suffering will lessen in the coming months.
 
Crown prince e and jean-Paul this person is obviously in a lot of distress and is turning to us for help

Have some respect
 
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