dysfunctional relationship with dad

[warpaint]

ill try to keep this short

basically my parents were divorced when i was 9 or 10. it didnt come as a surprise to me because i honestly dont have any memory of them ever being happy together, spending time together, or being affectionate with each other. i was always closer with my mom, even before the divorce. up to this day, i cant have a normal conversation with him.

a few years ago my mom suffered a stroke and i had to move in with him. he wasnt very supportive emotionally. he supported me by providing me a place to live and tht was about it. i ended up finding my first job because i knew it would have been dumb to depend on him, even though he technically was supposed to at least feed me at that age. he was verbally abusive and even though i dont think he really realizes how insensitive he actually is (and he doesnt even think so when i tell him how hurtful he can be), i still kind of resent him for who and how he is. i moved out on my own after a year of living with him because i couldnt deal with him.

i know he cares about me in his own way because he does check up on me once in a while but i just feel awkward when i talk to him. i still hold resentment too. he constantly pressures me to go to school and criticizes how im living my life and yet hes not the one paying my bills or expenses. i applied for school recently but honestly i think i mostly did it out of being pressured and to shut him up. ive done this two years ago, applied but never went thru with it because i genuinely didnt want to go/wasnt interested. i want him to stop telling me what to do with my life especially with school. i dont fucking know what i want to do, or what my passion in life is. it would seem easy to just tell him that i dont want to go to school, but he wont stop bothering me and he wont stop calling me to criticize me. the stupid thing is that i feel bad if i ignore him. i dont know what to do

 

[herbavore]

Sounds like you have the misfortune of having someone very immature as a Dad. Don't register for school if you don't want to go yet (or ever) because you will just be wasting your money or going into debt for nothing if you are not excited by what you are learning.

Try out a couple of clear but unemotional responses to have ready for the next time he calls and no matter how hard he tries to keep the negative conversation going just stick to your guns. (You might say, "Dad, I'm grateful that you care about me and what I am doing with my life but it does not help to hear constant criticism. Can we find a better way to talk?" or something along those lines).

It sounds like you have got your life together as far as independence goes and you should seek out friends that you can pour your emotional energy into because your Dad is simply going to let you down until he decides to change. Arguing won't help, nor will fighting but stating your boundaries clearly and compassionately might give him the kick he needs to seek some help for himself.

I had a good relationship with my Dad in the end but we struggled for a few years. During that time I moved far away and made my own family from multi-generational friends. Those people are still family today (the ones that are still living anyway). It is tragic when parents can't figure out how to communicate to their adult kids but it is important for you to take care of yourself. Is your mom OK? Did she survive the stroke? I hope she is still in your life.

 

[Maya]

^warpaint I agree with everything that herbavore said. I also had a difficult relationship with my father for so many years and it was just a few years ago when he realized that he can't force me to do what he wants me to do or be. He always wanted me to be the conservative girl who would be married by now and have a career in Accounting but that's not what I want and marriage is definitely something I dont want and neither having kids. I think he saw that I was doing much better than before and that I work hard and go to school to have a backup field. I believe your dad will realize that in time too, you just have to give it more time.

 

[warpaint]

Sounds like you have the misfortune of having someone very immature as a Dad. Don't register for school if you don't want to go yet (or ever) because you will just be wasting your money or going into debt for nothing if you are not excited by what you are learning.

Try out a couple of clear but unemotional responses to have ready for the next time he calls and no matter how hard he tries to keep the negative conversation going just stick to your guns. (You might say, "Dad, I'm grateful that you care about me and what I am doing with my life but it does not help to hear constant criticism. Can we find a better way to talk?" or something along those lines).

It sounds like you have got your life together as far as independence goes and you should seek out friends that you can pour your emotional energy into because your Dad is simply going to let you down until he decides to change. Arguing won't help, nor will fighting but stating your boundaries clearly and compassionately might give him the kick he needs to seek some help for himself.

I had a good relationship with my Dad in the end but we struggled for a few years. During that time I moved far away and made my own family from multi-generational friends. Those people are still family today (the ones that are still living anyway). It is tragic when parents can't figure out how to communicate to their adult kids but it is important for you to take care of yourself. Is your mom OK? Did she survive the stroke? I hope she is still in your life.

thanks for your advice its a pretty frustrating thing to have someone tell me what to do and yet has been minimally supportive all my life. i will attempt at being more assertive next time without losing my patience/yelling lol..

as for my mom... that's another complicated story/relationship. ive been close with her most of my life but after her stroke, we discovered that she had no status in canada. which means for myabe 20 years or more she overstayed her student visa and she tells me that she had an irrational fear of being deported. its still qeustionable but ive stopped wondering about it at this point... after i discovered what she had been hiding... lots of things made sense, such as why we were living with her mom and her family, whom were all very verbally absuive towards me even tho i was just a child back then. also my mom never visited the doctor due to not having a health card... so many little things that i always found odd.... its just crazy. for a long while after the stroke i actually had a lot of resentment towards her for putting me thru hell with her family. they always treated me with disrespect and like i was a burden. i felt like i could have been easily protected had she just applied for status. she doenst have a criminal history or anything. the only thing that stopped her was her fear. and yeah... instead of applying for status and getting a legit job not only for my sake but for her well being in this country, she would tell me that i ask for too many things and that i should go and ask my dad for stuff, especially money, made me feel like i was a bad kid, etc. she survived the stroke by the way. she is living in a non profit type housing for people who need assistance in a town 2 hrs away from here. i visit her once in a while but my relaitonship with her has become just as awkward as my relaitonship with my dad... there's nothing to say to them. it's weird.

 

[herbavore]

That saying that we don't get to choose our families is so true. Again, I would urge you to create the family you need with friends while still trying to heal the relationships that you have with your parents. Sometimes you just have to accept the limitations of family members. It's a delicate dance between proactive attempts at change and acceptance of what is. I have always found it ironic that the people that we can have the most complicated and unhealthy relationships with (our families) are also the ones the will ultimately have our backs when the chips are down.

One of my very funny friends used to say that her birth family was a venomous snake pit. "That's OK though", she would say, "because when the boogey man comes to get me I just invite him home for a family dinner and that usually solves the problem quite nicely."