Dying of Loneliness

[ImOutOfHere]

I want to die. I am lonely, addicted to tramadol and out of shape. I am 30 years old and have busted my freaking ass to build a business that now gives me so much money to live without a worry in my freaking lonely life. I have travelled the world, lived in so many countries, being with so many women, had great experiences, but I am LONELY.

L O N E L Y

I have done things most people would only dream of doing. But I have had to made sacrifices. My health is crap, I am fat and I just got turned down by a woman because I am fat and not very good looking. Why the freaking fuck do you have to see only my physique? Why don't you see how much I have done, sacrificed, tried to not be average or mediocre, I have had the big balls to do this while addicted to the disgusting tramadol and being lonely. I have gone through so much pain and depression, and I am crying right now as I type this.

Isn't a man supposed to try to stand out from the crowd, take decisions and think of the long term? I wanted to find a woman and have a family, kids, even a freaking dog. I am building my business so that when that time comes I would give my future family the best of the best. But I am lonely, so right now I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account and I am crying like a girl typing this, dosed on tramadol and Xanax and thinking of ending this shit all.

Every fucking day I think of suicide. Not one day goes by. Being lonely is so hard. I don't blame anyone. I decided to focus on my business 100%, I decided to continue taking tramadol because without it I could not work, I decided to give up my personal life to build a business, I decided to give up my former athletic muscular physique to become a big pile of fat. But I did it for a fucking reason, why can't you see that? You know how much determination, stamina, effort, guts, sweat, tears and BIG BALLS this shit requires?

I am sexually frustrated, I desperately need to make love to a woman. I need a female companion. I need a woman with whom to lay on bed after making love with her head on my chest. I want to wake up to her and smell her skin. I don't want to see prostitutes even though I know many entrepreneurs want; I just want to meet a woman with whom to have a connection. The only woman with whom I thought I had a connection just turned me down because of my physique. This woman is my maid, YES people, I am so lonely I asked my freaking maid out because she is the only women I get to see. I am a respectful man and could have easily put $1000 in her hand and told her to have sex with me, but that is not me. I respect women, I love women, so why do you turn me down? Mother of God, I am so desperate I freaking asked out my maid. This is pathetic and the final nail on my coffin. Or maybe I should have told her straightaway that I want sex. Maybe I screwed it up and made myself look like a loser who hasn't had sex for a year.

Why are you women so obsessed with physique? Don't you want a man who is admired and respected by others because of his actions, don't you want a man who has a gifted brain, who has the balls to be different, who goes against the norm and wins, don't you want a man who has done everything everywhere, yet is humble, charismatic and will treat you like you deserve? Don't you women want that DNA passed on to your child? SO why focus on me being fat ffs

I am fucking LONELY. I knew my career choice would mean that, but I have always been a lone wolf. Fuck it, it's meant to be like that, isn't it? I even have an excuse to be fat, I almost died from a clot and was put on all kinds of medications and could not exercise. Then I broke up with my fiance which led to depression and to abusing tramadol. Then the stress of building a business.

You want a Brad Pitt, then go and get your fucking Brad Pitt. But I have more balls and can provide much better than your Brad Pitt. Plus I am also a great lover. And just because I am fat. Seriously, SERIOUSLY???

I am done here folks. I would not want to die if I had a woman next to me with whom I could connect, make love to and know her and I can relate on so many level. But that hasn't happened for a very long while, and, now being a not-good-looking fat slob, is not going to happen, so finishing my life is the only choice I have.

Loneliness is so hard. I really cannot emphasize how freaking hard it is. I am taking another bar of Xanax and more tramadol.

I ask you, give me one reason to not kill myself. Give ONE real reason. Don't tell me it isn't worth it because I know for sure it would not be worth it if I wasn't worth it. Don't tell me about my family either, I am well aware of the impact this would have on my family and I know that suicide is a selfish act based on the repercussions of what it does to a family. I need an opinion about me, about what to do; I don't care if you are a woman, man, gay, old, young, Christian, Muslim or whoever you are; I will read and appreciate your opinion and certainly consider it. I need to know why I should not take my life. This incident has put the last nail in my coffin and I don't see a way out.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

When people r bummed they hate hearing things that sound like their problems are downplayed.

Just saying, I do; it makes me feel helpless.

But at the same time, seems like u got a lot going for you. You probably need to change your outlook. Not in a reinforcement vibe, like literally.

Food, shelter, fun hobbies. That's all a person needs.

A friend told me once, if you have too much on your plate, never juggle. Let things drop to the floor when need be. It can always be picked back up.

 

[T. Calderone]

I'm overweight as well and find that men can be just as superficial and judgmental as women. I'm not going to kill myself about it though. Fuck that, life is short enough and I know my value as a person. I think you do too and listen to Parappa when he says you need to change your outlook.

I can't give you a reason to not kill yourself because you probably wouldn't want to hear it. My sister overdosed and she was 33 when she died. I can only say it impacted my family profoundly. My mother was never the same after that. I have no blood family left, they've all passed away. I understand loneliness too well.

You sound like a smart, hardworking man. Besides finding a woman, concentrate on exploring new goals. Do you really want to stay on these pills? They aren't making you happy so do something to change that. Talk to your doctor if you need help losing weight. I know mine doesn't want to see me morbidly obese. Making changes may not be easy but if it's necessary, you will find a way .

 

[spacejunk]

It sounds to me as though you've put a lot of focus and work into your business.

You're still young - and as you say, financially secure (a lot of people wish they had the money to do the things they want to do in life).
Perhaps you need to put some time and energy into you.

A girl that is interested in your money is probably not the kind of companion you are looking for.

Rather than carry the hurt of rejection, perhaps use this unpleasant lesson to show you that first impressions tend to matter in the (generally) rather quick fashion in which people determine whether they like someone (in a romantic sense) or not.

It might seem shallow, but it is how human minds seem to work.

So you have a weight issue - and you think this is causing this deep loneliness? It may be a factor, but you also mention that you rarely have a chance to meet women.
Maybe if you found an outlet to attempt to redress these two issues (separately or at once - say, in some form of exercise, or perhaps a cooking class or something) you could work on your health and weight.
How is your diet?
Poor nutrition can have all sorts of effects mental and psysical health.
Lack of exercise - likewise.

I wouldn't expect to meet the girl of your dreams in either of these - admittedly very broad - examples; but getting out and trying new things is great for your social life, as well as your self esteem.
Depression and loneliness can be self-reinforcing, in the sense that when you are miserable, the temptation to hide out at home - or immerse yourself in work - can be overwhelming.

Without knowing much about you, or your interests - it is hard to give any really meaningful advice.

But you have a lot to live for, and a lot going for you. And to be perfectly honest - I believe that just about every person on earth is - or has been at some point in their lives - looking for the exact same thing as you.
I know it is hard to get back into the rhythm of socialising, but as I say - you are still young (I'm 30 as well) and it may just be a matter of thinking of something you enjoy doing - or would like to learn to do (like taking a night class; learning to dance, write, paint, do martial arts or something involving people - and even if you don't meet any women, or women you want to get to know) it may open up social opportunities that will help you make friends and get out more.
Remember, making friends is good for your self esteem, but can also open up other social interactions, and potential love interests.
I don't think women are any more obsessed with physique than men are, but how you come across (especially in first impressions) be important. This can put a lot of pressure on you and cause anxiety...so it might be best to take each thing as it comes (finding a social outlet, dealing with health issues etc)z

I think it is really quite sad how there is very little attempt to educate people in how to deal with rejection.
It hurts like hell - but it happens to most of us at one point or another.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I think if you are having suicidal thoughts, this must be given serious consideration.

Anyway, take care dude - you have plenty of things to live for, and you are by no means past your prime.
I hope some of what I said is useful...just my 2 cents, really - but I can't really emphasise enough how incredibly helpful a good psychologist can be. It's certainly helped me cope in a few tough times over the years.

"Imouttahere" - stick around, friend. You're in good company here.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya,

I'm terribly sorry for how you're feeling. I know how it feels to be lonely. If someone dumped you for being overweight then they're obviously not for you. Are there any groups you could attend? Hobbies that may interest you?

Here if you need to talk.

Evey

 

[abracadabra girl]

Search out the fat women ... there are many in the same boat as you.

 

[widowmaker]

I want to die. I am lonely, addicted to tramadol and out of shape. I am 30 years old and have busted my freaking ass to build a business that now gives me so much money to live without a worry.

And your primary concern is female companionship? I am young, i am fit, i am attractive and i have enjoyed the company of women who only want that and i can tell you now its just as fucking depressing to be sleeping next to that as it is to be sleeping next to someone who is only after your wallet, I mean i am somewhat jealous of you.. you can change your appearance you can do that easier then anyone else.. I wont be able to pack my bags at the end of the day and take a trip around the world snowboarding.. You can by the sounds of it..

 

[paranoid android]

Most women I've met aren't obsessed with looks or atleast none of the ones I've met that id consider going out with. I am in average shape (i was in good shape before laziness, ciggs and drugs did the job on that) but I've never been turned down before. It sounds like you have some self esteem issues to say the least. If your weight is bothering you why not start exercising and eating better? Not only will it help you get in shape but you will also feel better about yourself and feel better in general as working out does that. It's not hard to get into shape once you get into it.

Try and stop beating yourself up over not having a g/f. There are worse things then being miserable and alone trust me. Like being miserable and with someone . The right one will come along someday.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I dont mean this in a derogratory way but have you considered exercise? Not only will it help you lose weight, it will also help your state of mind too. I would advise you to take a look at the exercise thread, created by neversickanymore, n have read of the benefits it has brought to other members on this site. You don't want to die - you think you do. If you did you would not be reaching out for support like this n we're here to help n support you through this - but you also have to help yourself to.

Take care,
Evey

 

[phatass]

You seem to be very preoccupied by your weight, you could see a nutritionist, get help (a personal coach) to lose weight.... i meen u have the money right?

It will also improve our self esteem...

good luck to ya

 

[Quantz]

Firstly , you weren't dumped because of your weight , you were dumped because you are INSECURE ABOUT your weight .
Women don't care about the numbers in your bank account .
They don't care about how well you can provide for them , if ANYTHING , trying to impress a woman with all of your material shit is more of a turn off than anything .
Girls just want to have fun .
You need to get out and improve your social skills and develop some confidence.

 

[widowmaker]

Women don't care about the numbers in your bank account .

 

[ImOutOfHere]

Hey all many thanks for the replies.

After writing my last post yesterday, I went to visit a female escort as I could not take it anymore and being high on Xanax my suicidal ideation was getting overboard. I was seriously thinking of taking the road to the countryside and jumping off a cliff I know that I would not survive. So I decided to instead delay that and see a woman whom I pay in exchange of company. I told her I only wanted some sensual experience and caressing but we ended up having sex. I wore a condom which is unlike me when I am high on Xanax as I'm known for doing stupid stuff on Xanax (ain't we all).

I have never seen a prostitute in my life and always wanted to avoid that. The woman herself could not believe I would be looking for one. She was cool though and gave me the physical female touch I so much needed and missed. I didn't even want sex, just a warm body to caress and be caressed back. That's how freakign lonely I am. Now I feel repulsed at myself and paranoid of STDs and what not. I could not believe I'd see a prostitute but my loneliness and suicidal ideation is getting higher by the day and I can't take it anymore. I am fortunate to have the money to see as many as I want so that creeps me out too as I know other entrepreneurs who have become addicted to spending their hard-earned money on prostitutes because of loneliness.

I didn't even enjoy the sex. I want to make love to a woman, not just sex (well, unless the woman is exactly my ideal physical type, which this lady wasn't). But for the most part I want to make love to a woman and it has been so long. It may look silly and me being a cry baby just because I have money and don't have to worry about financials, but I can tell you that money doesn't give you happiness (and I really didn't believe that until that recently). I sacrificed a long term relationship, my health, my personal life to get to where my business is, but I knew what I was getting into and sacrificing. A business requires 100% dedication the first couple of years and it's a risk, But I did it and now I am starting to reap the financial benefit of it. I am a respectful man, considerate to others, humble, hard working, strong willed, charming and charismatic (all women say the same, even this maid in the OP who turned me down). But I am fat.

It was my mistake. I should not have asked my maid anyway. She is a divorced MILF with a teenage son who is into going to the gym and is surrounded by good looking guys all the time and she loves the attention. She is a nice girl but I know for a fact she isn't the one for me long term. She was coming to my house and flirting with me, and I didn't even think of her until just lately when I realized how freaking lonely I am and how she's pretty much the only woman I know in this city. So yeah, as a lonely wolf I asked her about seeing her a bit more to go for coffee etc but she said she's only into being friends, while she likes to go out and have fun with muscled guys. But in my desperation to not be lonely I hit a new low and asked her. Damn, I'm an idiot. She isn't even that good looking.

The fact that I got turned by her affected me. It's stupid, but it affected me. I used to be one of those muscled guys and she knows it as she has seen my pictures (we have a cool relationship). I know how to lose all the fat I have and get ripped, I've done it couple of times before. I used to be heavily involved in the fitness field actually (although never used steroids). I used to use my ripped muscular body to seduce women when I was younger (I'm talking only a couple of years ago) and I even seduced MILFs and even a married one Some crazy times I had. But back then I had no money, just wanted to party and prove myself in a narcissistic way that I was worth it because I didn't believe in myself and needed others to tell me how good looking I was. Yes, I suffer from vigorexia, and I'm also a narcissist, but I have learned to tame the bad things of being a narcissist and concentrate on the good things: I am very competitive and always strive to be the best, which has helped my business a lot. I am also 99% sure bipolar. I would know if I hadn't lied to my psychiatrist and convince her I have ADHD so I can get my hands on ritalin which helps me work harder with less sleep. Unfortunately mixing tramadol with ritalin is a recipe for a grand mal seziure and possibly death, and since I am physically addicted to tramadol I can't use ritalin.

I have worked very hard to get my business. But gave up on everything else. I strive to be a good man. I even give this maid more money than she asked me for as a wage because I told her that minimum wage to clean my house is not fair in my eyes. Fvck I can't believe I asked her out. But loneliness and sexual frustration was killing me and still is.

I know absolutely no one in this city. I also hate gyms and prefer to train alone. I want to start training again but the tramadol is slowly killing me. I cannot work without it and I have to maximize the time it is making me work because that time only last 4 to 6 hours before I have to redose or suffer withdrawal. I'm actually in a deep hole, the tramadol is accentuating my suicidal ideation. Almost every day I cry about my situation. I am lucky I can wake up whenever I want (though I always wake up early), look out the window to a beautiful view and only switch on the computer to know how much I earned the day before. But yet, after that, I will cry. Yes, businessmen cry believe it or not. We develop thick skin to be competitive but loneliness, which is endemic among entrepreneurs, is a killer.

I cry not only because of my loneliness but also because I want to kill myself. I cannot believe that I want to kill myself which makes me cry because of having these thoughts. I have a good life and all I am missing a couple of buddies and especially a woman next to me who loves me. But I cry, I cry because I know if I kill myself that would devastate all my family and a couple of other people, including my former fiancee. I cry because I am a slave to tramadol and I cannot function without it. I cannot leave my house without pills in my pocket because if I am out of the house for longer than 6 hours I need to re-dose. I cry because I used to have a great body and be very athletic and handsome and know I am a piece of fat turd. Then I take some tramadol and those feelings fade away and I saw "fuck it, let's go make more money and I'll show you all you fucktards who reject me for being fat".

My first rejection was when I was 17 and I was fat. The girl plainly rejected me for being fat. That marked me forever. From that day I decided I would become a ripped muscled dude, and I became that. Imagine the look in her face when she saw me once in the beach with me with cannon ball shoulders and a ripped 8 pack LOL But still, that moment when I was 17 marked me. I became obsessed with being muscular and ripped. It taight me a lot about hard work and determination. Instead of taking the easy way out like most my friends at the time were doing with pro-hormones, dianabol and injectable testosterone, I would train hard consistently. I actually am glad I went through that because it taught me so much. Then, of course, I used my body to have lots of fun, but that's another story.

Fast forward to the last year and a half and due to health issues I became fat and addicted to tramadol. I also was going through a big depressive state and decided to risk it all and start my own business in a hyper competitive industry. My fiancee could not understand my obsession with my business so we split up, not without the drama that ensues. I told myself I was ready to be lonely and give it all my best for my business and so that in a couple of years time I have enough wealth to ensure a bright future for my future wife and kids. Yes, I want a Lamborghini, but I want all the wealth that I create for my family and for my children to have the best upbringing. I thought that a couple of years being lonely to work on building this wealth and business would be fine. But a year and a half into the journey, the loneliness is killing me and the tramadol is also killing me slowly too. I seriously don't know if I will be here on Earth in 6 months time or even in a month's time. I have also being more of a lone wolf all my life; my charisma and ability to gain people is just my one side of my personality. I have another side which is dark and depressive and which I tried to tame during all these years but which is surfacing now and biting me in the butt.

Evertyhing is compounding, and the last has been this rejection. I was feeling so lonely I was even having some feeling for this woman and wanted to make love to her. I think I was being very unrealistic because under normal circumstances I would not even be interested in her, but I am a romantic kind of guy and can develop feelings fast with a woman I like, so being lonely and her being the only woman I get to talk to in my day to day, well... that explains it.

I realize I sound like a drama queen. I have been reading a lot about suicide, including the reasons for it. Most people who commit suicide would not have committed it if they knew there was a way for them to escape their pain. I am under a lot of pain, emotional pain and the tramadol draws me to some very dark corners. I can tell you right now that if I was back in shape, free of tramadol and had a woman who loved me next to me and who loved me for who I am and not just because of my body or money, while keeping the rest of the life I have now, I would be very happy and would not think about suicide. But I am heabily addicted to tramadol, under lot of pressure to perform in my business (so can't leave the tramadol just yet), can't exercise because I am not motivated and can't find a woman because I know no one in this city and obviously my weight issue affects me.

I feel so bad for having seen a prostitute yesterday. I don't want to end up being that guy with lots of money and just prostitutes or women who give him sex for money and expensive gifts. I want to have a family and be a good father. I want to have a woman who loves me for who I am, who will love me even if I gain weight or even if I lose my business or money. But I am asking for the sky here and I am boring you guys anyway.

Many thanks again for the replies. I have lurked BL for years and have used it to inform myself of drug combinations and more than once this forum has saved my ass and the ass of some of my friends.

I really appreciate your help.

 

[herbavore]

You started out your first post asking women why they only see you (and reject you) because of your physical appearance and yet both of your posts are full of descriptions of women that do not measure up to your physical standards. I think that your true path probably lies in learning to accept yourself and, through that acceptance, an ability to accept others. Being desperate for love has a cruel way of making sure you don't find it. Concentrate on yourself, on improving your relationship with your life--your hobbies, interests and passions. Become an interesting and dynamic person not because you are capable of making loads of money and buying expensive toys but because you have kindness, sincerity and integrity to share with another human being.

The very last thing I would ever look for in a mate, especially a potential father of my children, would be someone that defined his worth through a financial lens. Balance is everything and in a family it becomes more important than ever. Your children may love having every new gadget but is that truly "the best life" as you say? A father who spends time playing, reading and being emotionally involved is what every child deserves and many never get.

I hear the pain in your writing and I hope that you may find other ways of perceiving your situation. I think your peace will come from that.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Don't like it, go to the gym. If you can build that business empire through determination you can get in shape in six months or less.

 

[spacejunk]

I think that your true path probably lies in learning to accept yourself and, through that acceptance, an ability to accept others. Being desperate for love has a cruel way of making sure you don't find it.

Very wise words, Herbie.

 

[ImOutOfHere]

Hi Herbavore, I recognize your username and I know you always give great advice, so thanks.

Perhaps I should have been clearer. It's 24 hours after my last post and I am a bit calmer. The posts I've written here have been under high doses of Xanax or under a complete mental breakdown.

In reality, I don't care about money as a superficial enabler of a lifestyle, but I know how important it is to have it there. I actually want to work as hard as I can so that when I can have a family I can have a solid foundation and not have to be doing the crazy 20-hour work a day stuff I do now. I know that part of being a good father is being able to be there for your kids and not just shower them with money. I know that because that's how I grew up, without a father. I know what it's like to have money but not a father, and I have swore to myself to NEVER do that to my children. That's why I want to build this wealth to be able to then dedicate as much time as possible to my children, whenever they come to this world.

Sure, I want an exotic car, but that's just the little narcissist in me. And even still, I don't want a flashy exotic car in my garage now; I want it to be the compensation for all my hard work; the same way I want my compensation for my hard work to be having a fortune in the bank entirely saved for raising my family (and the exotic car comes last!). All I am trying to say is that I don't measure anyone by their wealth, but I do know that wealth is a good cushion to live life through (even if in the end you want to live a very minimal modest life).

I am humble and considerate to others. I give to charities and I never see myself above others. In fact, I live a modest life as of now, and I could be doing otherwise as the trend where I live is to "look like" you have money even if you don't have money. I have worked very hard for my money and sacrificed a lot, so I know what it's like to suffer and stick to a dream or goal. Never would I judge anyone by how much money they have or any other human trait.

I am sorry if I sounded like an asshole by implying that I measure people by their wealth or I see life as about the money, when that is the furthest from the truth. I have been fortunate to have a lot of experiences in my life and experience a lot of pain and see a lot of pain. That alone has planted my feet on the ground firmly, but I also have an immense need for love and companionship that leaves me to act bizarrely. I am conscious that I swing in extremes and that I hyper focus to the extent of neglecting everything else in my life, which is exactly what has happened to me (yet again, and I knew this would happen). However, this time the loneliness is so powerful.

I really thank you all for the advice. I need more self-introspection. Unfortunately, I have the tramadol addiction to also deal with, which is augmenting everything bad in my life and is feeding my suicidal ideations. I wish I would just do a light trip on mushrooms or some DMT (with some Xanax as I always do) as that always opens my mind and helps me to seek solutions to problems like this, but tramadol and 5HT psychedelics are a big NO. I think I have so much mental load and body load that I am not being able to think clearly and my motivation is decreasing by the hour to even live life. If I could just take a couple of hours to leave my body and see myself from the 3rd person, but hey that's just wishful thinking.

I need to re-think, and I knew this time would come around sooner or later. My suicidal thoughts are very real and occur daily, while my mental status is fragile. Something as trivial as what happened to me in the OP sent me into a state of self destruction. I have always been a strong minded person and require this trait for what I do professionally (I'm in a fierce industry) but loneliness has been able to send me into a fragile state; that's how powerful it is.

I don't want to die, but I have so much pain, and I know many of you know what I am talking about. There's a bright side to life and the grass is always greener, but when your state of mind is in such a negative auto loop, you can't think out of it. I hope that I do the right thing and my suicidal thoughts become a thing of the past. For now, I have started to try to fix a couple of things in the last 24 hours and I am feeling a bit better. I also believe I need to speak to someone about this. Not necessarily seek a psychiatrist but talk to someone who knows me, and I know who that person is; I just don't want to scare her because if she knew what's going through my mind she would die. I think that my recovery starts by weaning of the tramadol, but this stuff is an absolute hell to withdraw, but I entered this pact with the devil all on my own and assume all responsibility.

Thanks again for all the help. So much appreciated!

 

[ImOutOfHere]

And your primary concern is female companionship? I am young, i am fit, i am attractive and i have enjoyed the company of women who only want that and i can tell you now its just as fucking depressing to be sleeping next to that as it is to be sleeping next to someone who is only after your wallet, I mean i am somewhat jealous of you.. you can change your appearance you can do that easier then anyone else.. I wont be able to pack my bags at the end of the day and take a trip around the world snowboarding.. You can by the sounds of it..

Hey buddy, I am trying to reply to your PM but your inbox is full. Don't know how else to notify this to you

 

[Quantz]

In response to widowmaker , I don't know who the guy is , but Thank you for posting . I forgot how badly miranda kerr needed to date a guy for money . And in the case that she even is , you can bet your ass she's fucking a badass playboy actor on the side.

I have never seen a prostitute in my life and always wanted to avoid that. The woman herself could not believe I would be looking for one. She was cool though and gave me the physical female touch I so much needed and missed. I didn't even want sex, just a warm body to caress and be caressed back. That's how freakign lonely I am. Now I feel repulsed at myself and paranoid of STDs and what not. I could not believe I'd see a prostitute but my loneliness and suicidal ideation is getting higher by the day and I can't take it anymore. I am fortunate to have the money to see as many as I want so that creeps me out too as I know other entrepreneurs who have become addicted to spending their hard-earned money on prostitutes because of loneliness.

okay.. I'm going to be a bit harsh here , but you need a wake-up call my friend . Don't take this as an insult , I'm commenting on your behavior, not you as a person. Do you understand how lame this escort thought you were to call her out of loneliness , and just want " a sensual experience " and to caress each other ? That's pathetic , not going to lie . I understand people get lonely , but that just goes to needy and creepy .As for she saying herself she "couldn't believe you were looking for one" , you need to understand that you're paying her to come and NOT make you feel like a loser . She wants your money , and wants it again . Escorts ensure this by making their marks feel as good as possible , i.e fake orgasm etc etc.Thankfully you did have sex with her at least .

I am a respectful man, considerate to others, humble, hard working, strong willed, charming and charismatic (all women say the same, even this maid in the OP who turned me down). But I am fat.

What all those women did , was friend-zone you .

It was my mistake. I should not have asked my maid anyway. She is a divorced MILF with a teenage son who is into going to the gym and is surrounded by good looking guys all the time and she loves the attention. She is a nice girl but I know for a fact she isn't the one for me long term. She was coming to my house and flirting with me, and I didn't even think of her until just lately when I realized how freaking lonely I am and how she's pretty much the only woman I know in this city. So yeah, as a lonely wolf I asked her about seeing her a bit more to go for coffee etc but she said she's only into being friends, while she likes to go out and have fun with muscled guys. But in my desperation to not be lonely I hit a new low and asked her. Damn, I'm an idiot. She isn't even that good looking.

That entire paragraph is the definition of woman repellent . A part of me almost feels like I'm getting trolled when you put in the " likes to go out and have fun with muscled guys " . Even if that's the case , she likes to go out WITH GUYS WHO ARE FUN . Dude , read what you are saying . Would you want to hang out with yourself . You're insecure , negative , and over-all sound like a buzz-kill and these woman feel bad , and what's the classic rejection again ? oh that's right . LETS JUST BE FRIENDS . You need to get over this mental block in your head of what woman value that you've been force fed you're whole life through media and society.

The fact that I got turned by her affected me. It's stupid, but it affected me. I used to be one of those muscled guys and she knows it as she has seen my pictures (we have a cool relationship). I know how to lose all the fat I have and get ripped, I've done it couple of times before. I used to be heavily involved in the fitness field actually (although never used steroids). I used to use my ripped muscular body to seduce women when I was younger (I'm talking only a couple of years ago) and I even seduced MILFs and even a married one Some crazy times I had. But back then I had no money, just wanted to party and prove myself in a narcissistic way that I was worth it because I didn't believe in myself and needed others to tell me how good looking I was. Yes, I suffer from vigorexia, and I'm also a narcissist, but I have learned to tame the bad things of being a narcissist and concentrate on the good things: I am very competitive and always strive to be the best, which has helped my business a lot. I am also 99% sure bipolar. I would know if I hadn't lied to my psychiatrist and convince her I have ADHD so I can get my hands on ritalin which helps me work harder with less sleep. Unfortunately mixing tramadol with ritalin is a recipe for a grand mal seziure and possibly death, and since I am physically addicted to tramadol I can't use ritalin.

Bam , you're onto something . It wasn't the body that seduced the woman , it was the confidence you had because you had the body . Think shallow hal , but kind of reversed . If you thought you were completely ripped up again , you saw yourself in the mirror that way and everything , but women saw you as a fat over-weight troll , BUT you didn't know that who they saw you , you'd get laid more than if you actually were jacked acting as needy and insecure as you are now ,

I'm done with the quotes , but the good thing is you can fix this , get yourself OUT there , you're only 30 dude , da fuck ? You're a year out of your goddamn 20s . Go to a sick bar or club , and go find a guy whos crushing it with the girls , and ask him to help you out getting some pussy .

To help you re-enforce the whole woman dont give a fuck about looks/money ... heres an example

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWRH4V9nJgc this broke scum bag heroin addict gets more pussy than he knows what to do with .

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Doesn't look like much o a junkir in those viideoos. Every time they eake him up he's fine not rattling. Point taken though.