dying in the inside, finally starting to lose my cool on the outside.

[RecklessWOT]

I don't even know where to start. This is an impossible thread to start because I don't even know what the hell is going on inside of my head so I can't easily relate it into text and make a coherent post.

Basically I am falling apart. I have been struggling for a while now but have been keeping my composure so well on the outside. Everyone thinks I am just fine when in reality I am not. I am so far away from okay it's not even funny. It is finally becoming hard to lie about it anymore Everyone is so proud of me for how far I have come and how well I am doing and they are so wrong. That bothers me so much but I can't say anything.
Plain and simple I don't know what I'm doing. I am 22 years old and I can no longer figure out how to take care of myself. My personal health is on the steady decline because I treat myself so poorly. I can no longer solve simple problems. I have just been saying "fuck it" as the solution to most things. I rarely pay my bills. I follow which rules and laws I chose to. I have lost my license a few times in the last year, and that still does not affect the way I drive. If anything I drive worse now whether it be out of anger or just not giving a fuck. I honestly do not care if something happens either. I have had two high speed accidents while drunk in the recent past (neither of which I got in trouble for, or hurt in either, further adding to my deranged perceived invincibility) and it doesn't phase me much I still do what I do. I am about to lose my job soon but I can't seem to get it together to find another one, or get my old one back (which was pretty damn good). I left that one to come to this one on a whim and i fucking hate it. It is becoming that final straw in things crashing down. I fucking hate my job so much.

I fucking hate myself as well. I appall myself with the things I do. I disgust myself, I am a terrible person. I act like a piece of shit. I have become a very mean angry spiteful person who treats most people like shit whether I know them or not, except for my best of friends, who occasionally I will lose control and still start shit with them anyway. I always end up feeling bad about it later. It is said that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. I just miss the feeling of closeness so badly. I feel like a loser saying this but it would even feel so nice to just hug someone. I have lost the relationships with any girl I have cared about, and the last one really fucked me up. I have been single for years now but i sabotage any relationship i could potentially enter before it starts. I just want to be loved but run away from it when it happens. I joke around with people and say I am too busy to have time for a girl. My agenda is full of too much drinking and self loathing to have time for a chick, but that's actually true. I don't even have any family (with the exception of my friends who are like my family now but that's just not the same) within thousands of miles of me in either direction except for my sister, but we don't see eachother often enough. I miss that feeling of comfort and safety, i just want to go "home" and curl up in a ball and hide in a corner, but that place does not exist anymore.
That's another thing that really gets to me. My sister is in a very bad situation and I wish there was something I could do for her but I can't and i feel helpless. I should be able to protect my sister and make everything okay. She is in a bad relationship but forced to stay because she's as fucked up as me and is afraid to be alone. She also has no job, she quit when she started to fall apart like me so now she lives with the asshole. My whole family is fucked. My mother, I love her a lot but she is so bat shit crazy it's hart to talk to her anymore. It really bothers me to hear her like that, she has really lost it and is actually insane and cannot take care of herself. My stepdad will not be around forever either. I have a sneaky suspicion he is getting sick and does not want to worry us. If he goes, what will happen to my mom? She doesn't even have a job. She can't do it on her own, and I cartainly cannot take car of her. Other family members bother me like that too.

I honestly wouldn't mind dying sometimes. I'm not suicidal, I don't think I would ever kill myself, but I have become a very reckless person as of late and do not care what happens to me at all. I guess I've always been that way it's just getting much worse recently. I hate almost everything about myself and my life so much, and I always have. I remember being a little kid, like we're talking the age of 6 or 7 years old and actually praying to god that I would not wake up in the morning (I was raised very religious, although I am not anymore).

I now hide from my problems in bottles and bags. The only relief I can find is alcohol and opiates. I drink wayyy too often and huge amounts when I do. I've also been getting more into heroin lately instead of the usual oxy's i would take. I have always loved all drugs recreationally but lately those two specifically have become my comfort blanket.

I feel like I need professional help. I haven't been to a doctor in years as I have no health insurance but I really need to get this shit straightened out. Those free hotlines and pay-lenient places do not work for me I have tried. Plus if there was some way at this point I don't feel capable of figuring out how to make shit like that work. I can't handle setting up appointments and following through. I almost feel like I should have myself committed somewhere and have a serious evaluation and seperate myself from everything that is fucking me up for a while, but I can't afford not to work, plus staying in a crazy house is probably expensive on its own and putting me further in debt would only make my situation worse, and make me feel shittier. And i'm afraid if I do get diagnosed with something, being branded as crazy will fuck my future up as well. I could very well be a schitzo as I am pretty sure my mother is as well. I also seem to have a few different distinct personalities to the point where my friends have actually jokingly named one of them harry (because it rhymes with scary- he's the vicious and violent side of me) There are others but not as noticeable as that son of a bitch. I am like 95% positive I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) as all of the research I have done and read describes/pinpoints me and my life to the t. I also bet I am bipolar and have these huge mood swings and explosively angry tendencies.

I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm sure this ramble makes next to no sense, or benefits anyone at all. It's not even the half of it, i just can't put my thoughts into writing well at all. Heh I bet it doesn't even sound bad at all. I should quit my bitching, I am stronger than that. I'm sorry about the rant i just had to vent, these last few days have been shit and I have hit one of my lowest lows i have hit in a while so it feels good to let it out in the one place I can actually be honest.

 

[Mehm]

That all makes perfect sense man. It sounds like you are in a very shitty situation and are suffering badly. My heart goes out to you. The good thing is you realize it and obviously want something to change or you wouldn't be posting here. From your description I would say you are not schizophrenic. Maybe BPD, but until you have a couple of months off drugs you can't be sure. One thing for sure is you are an alcoholic and an addict. Your endangerment of others makes that incredibly clear.

Fortunately, there is free help through programs like NA and AA. These programs have the highest success rate of any program on earth and have been proven to work over and over again. Just do a google search for your town and AA to find a meeting. The 12 steps and fellowship will walk you down the path to sobriety and serenity. It has worked for millions of people already.

Much love to you brother. You are a child of the universe and deserve all of the glories that it has. If you ever need someone to talk to give me a PM. Peace and Light

 

[Regenesis2]

I made a big mistake jumping to some conclusion there was something wrong with me. Try talking here on BL, its so far been a great outlet for me. Hotlines and psychs gave me bad advice and bad drugs=more problems! Look carefully and maybe you can find a good counselor and make sure you get an extensive evaluation before you think about meds, and try not to evaluate your mental health right in the middle of such a stressful situation. Maybe the last thing you need is a diagnoses.

 

[GodricNightfall]

I can relate to a lot of what your saying. I feel like I can't speak out about whats really going on with me and I have noticed myself getting redicously angry at my family for the dumbest things and then feeling bad about it. I don't feel I'm addicted to anything but I always feel like I need to forget about my depression and that tends to lead me to get high on whatever. I think soon Im just going to come out and tell everybody exactly how I've been feeling and reach out for help regardless of how I think they may react. If I reach out to everybody and get shut down as I always have then I dont know but I think you should try something like that too. Also I know what you mean when you say you wish you could just "get away" for a while and not have to worry about anything, Like a nice rehabilatation center on the beach.

 

[turnin_AcEs]

I was in the same place you are literally less than 2 weeks ago man, similar problems, family is a mess, i don't talk to most of them. problems piling on top of problems. and what was i doing? just what you are, saying fuck it. it's pretty easy to do at any certain time or place, eventually it just becomes an automatic response to everything. I had a huge opiate problem. only drug i have ever even tried in my life unless you include steroids and what happens? I become a full out junkie, i have pretty much lost everything except a few close people but most of the time i am alone. it's really hard to get your bearings and heading in the right, or even better, direction when it's so much easier to be alone and say fuck it. all of this agreeing about sad stuff is not with out a point though. i am 22 also and have A LOT to start rebuilding, i am pretty fresh out of the detox period but feeling better already. how much h are you doin right now? eventually my opiate usage brought me to such a depressed state where i do closed my eyes and thought how good the thought of dying or just disappearing sounded. based on how you ended your post you sound stronger than that. you may need professional help with a possible personality disorder, my brother is a paranoid schyzophrenic and have sadly watch him decline into a shell of the person who was my older brother. none of this is easy. admitting youre hurting and need and want help is hard. but it sounds like you want it deep down and even if its in your heading needing and wanting it will be the first step in getting it. i just wanted you to know from my similarly long post that hope is out there, as hidden or non existant as it may seem it is there. it will take work but you can turn anything that you dont like about yourself around at any point or time. the time is just for you to chose. it took me personally a while, i had to come to a point where i hated myself in just about every way possible and wanted to end it. but i told myself i was going to give myself one last all out all effort attempt to overall my life, not all at once, little by little, day by day, thing by thing. i am not that far out from detoxing myself but trying to make even the littlest of changes in every day and finally its actually working slowly. if i can do this you can too. stay strong brother, pm me if you want to swap stories or just develope a dialogue. hope is out there.
ACE

 

[RecklessWOT]

Thanks for taking the time to read the long post for those who did. I guess I just have a lot of hard work ahead of me and it may or may not be a long road. It is comforting to know others have shared similar situations, (and i'm positive many people have had it far worse off than me) and have seemingly been able to come out of it or at least attempt to without giving up all hope. Just everyone has a different breaking point and it's getting hard to hold on. I have these mood swings, I've been doing better these last couple of days but I know it won't take much to set me back off. I don't have too much to add now as I really don't want to get back into it and stress myself out by thinking while I'm doing okay for a little i guess. I will be back through now and again and I really do appreciate everyone's input and understanding.
Thanks guys

 

[caltrain208]

Thanks for posting this- really reminded of me where I was not long ago. I remember watching my life fall apart before my eyes, the despair I felt on the inside slowly becoming harder and harder to hide. I used to have tons of friends, I could get along with anyone, I was very successful at tasks I set my mind to, I was in incredible shape physically, I had an exciting adventurous life. Due to circumstances seemingly out of my control, I became unable to stay in school, keep jobs, find new jobs, talk to people I didn't know (especially women), lost 35 pounds, lost friends, stopped all physical activity and working toward goal and hobbies. Going grocery shopping had become one of the most stressful and difficult tasks I did- everywhere I went I could just tell people were judging me. I put myself in dangerous situations, combined large doses of respiratory depressants, made many half-assed attempts to end my life, because I didn't want to live but I didn't have the strength to take my own life. I didn't know what I had done to deserve the situation my life was in, so I tried everything to get some enjoyment out of life- drugs became the only thing I looked forward to and cared about. I knew it was hurting my friends and family to be high all the time, and I felt bad, but I had no other way to enjoy myself. I found it completely impossible to limit my use, and unnecessary because I needed to get all I could out of life before I died. I was hopeless, desperate, and getting closer to death by the day. Everything changed when I finally got honest with others and asked for help. I simply didn't know what to do anymore.

Today life is more wonderful than I had ever imagined. I have friends who care about me, have a relationship with my family again, and an awesome relationship. I know I never have to be lonely again. I can take care of myself, can speak in front of large groups of people with no fear, can do well in school and my job, can work toward goals, and can accomplish anything I want to. My old feelings of inadequacy have vanished. I have complete faith that life will continue to develop so long as I continue working toward my goals. I now know that I am not special, I am just one of many people as hopeless and lonely as I used to be that has been able to recover from my despair. Anyone has the ability to recover, so long as they are willing to believe recovery is possible and are willing to do the work it takes to recover. I have found the solution to all of my personal problems. I'd love to help you out WOT, if there's anything I can do let me know! Everything will be alright.