RecklessWOT
Bluelight Crew
I don't even know where to start. This is an impossible thread to start because I don't even know what the hell is going on inside of my head so I can't easily relate it into text and make a coherent post.
Basically I am falling apart. I have been struggling for a while now but have been keeping my composure so well on the outside. Everyone thinks I am just fine when in reality I am not. I am so far away from okay it's not even funny. It is finally becoming hard to lie about it anymore Everyone is so proud of me for how far I have come and how well I am doing and they are so wrong. That bothers me so much but I can't say anything.
Plain and simple I don't know what I'm doing. I am 22 years old and I can no longer figure out how to take care of myself. My personal health is on the steady decline because I treat myself so poorly. I can no longer solve simple problems. I have just been saying "fuck it" as the solution to most things. I rarely pay my bills. I follow which rules and laws I chose to. I have lost my license a few times in the last year, and that still does not affect the way I drive. If anything I drive worse now whether it be out of anger or just not giving a fuck. I honestly do not care if something happens either. I have had two high speed accidents while drunk in the recent past (neither of which I got in trouble for, or hurt in either, further adding to my deranged perceived invincibility) and it doesn't phase me much I still do what I do. I am about to lose my job soon but I can't seem to get it together to find another one, or get my old one back (which was pretty damn good). I left that one to come to this one on a whim and i fucking hate it. It is becoming that final straw in things crashing down. I fucking hate my job so much.
I fucking hate myself as well. I appall myself with the things I do. I disgust myself, I am a terrible person. I act like a piece of shit. I have become a very mean angry spiteful person who treats most people like shit whether I know them or not, except for my best of friends, who occasionally I will lose control and still start shit with them anyway. I always end up feeling bad about it later. It is said that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. I just miss the feeling of closeness so badly. I feel like a loser saying this but it would even feel so nice to just hug someone. I have lost the relationships with any girl I have cared about, and the last one really fucked me up. I have been single for years now but i sabotage any relationship i could potentially enter before it starts. I just want to be loved but run away from it when it happens. I joke around with people and say I am too busy to have time for a girl. My agenda is full of too much drinking and self loathing to have time for a chick, but that's actually true. I don't even have any family (with the exception of my friends who are like my family now but that's just not the same) within thousands of miles of me in either direction except for my sister, but we don't see eachother often enough. I miss that feeling of comfort and safety, i just want to go "home" and curl up in a ball and hide in a corner, but that place does not exist anymore.
That's another thing that really gets to me. My sister is in a very bad situation and I wish there was something I could do for her but I can't and i feel helpless. I should be able to protect my sister and make everything okay. She is in a bad relationship but forced to stay because she's as fucked up as me and is afraid to be alone. She also has no job, she quit when she started to fall apart like me so now she lives with the asshole. My whole family is fucked. My mother, I love her a lot but she is so bat shit crazy it's hart to talk to her anymore. It really bothers me to hear her like that, she has really lost it and is actually insane and cannot take care of herself. My stepdad will not be around forever either. I have a sneaky suspicion he is getting sick and does not want to worry us. If he goes, what will happen to my mom? She doesn't even have a job. She can't do it on her own, and I cartainly cannot take car of her. Other family members bother me like that too.
I honestly wouldn't mind dying sometimes. I'm not suicidal, I don't think I would ever kill myself, but I have become a very reckless person as of late and do not care what happens to me at all. I guess I've always been that way it's just getting much worse recently. I hate almost everything about myself and my life so much, and I always have. I remember being a little kid, like we're talking the age of 6 or 7 years old and actually praying to god that I would not wake up in the morning (I was raised very religious, although I am not anymore).
I now hide from my problems in bottles and bags. The only relief I can find is alcohol and opiates. I drink wayyy too often and huge amounts when I do. I've also been getting more into heroin lately instead of the usual oxy's i would take. I have always loved all drugs recreationally but lately those two specifically have become my comfort blanket.
I feel like I need professional help. I haven't been to a doctor in years as I have no health insurance but I really need to get this shit straightened out. Those free hotlines and pay-lenient places do not work for me I have tried. Plus if there was some way at this point I don't feel capable of figuring out how to make shit like that work. I can't handle setting up appointments and following through. I almost feel like I should have myself committed somewhere and have a serious evaluation and seperate myself from everything that is fucking me up for a while, but I can't afford not to work, plus staying in a crazy house is probably expensive on its own and putting me further in debt would only make my situation worse, and make me feel shittier. And i'm afraid if I do get diagnosed with something, being branded as crazy will fuck my future up as well. I could very well be a schitzo as I am pretty sure my mother is as well. I also seem to have a few different distinct personalities to the point where my friends have actually jokingly named one of them harry (because it rhymes with scary- he's the vicious and violent side of me) There are others but not as noticeable as that son of a bitch. I am like 95% positive I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) as all of the research I have done and read describes/pinpoints me and my life to the t. I also bet I am bipolar and have these huge mood swings and explosively angry tendencies.
I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm sure this ramble makes next to no sense, or benefits anyone at all. It's not even the half of it, i just can't put my thoughts into writing well at all. Heh I bet it doesn't even sound bad at all. I should quit my bitching, I am stronger than that. I'm sorry about the rant i just had to vent, these last few days have been shit and I have hit one of my lowest lows i have hit in a while so it feels good to let it out in the one place I can actually be honest.
Basically I am falling apart. I have been struggling for a while now but have been keeping my composure so well on the outside. Everyone thinks I am just fine when in reality I am not. I am so far away from okay it's not even funny. It is finally becoming hard to lie about it anymore Everyone is so proud of me for how far I have come and how well I am doing and they are so wrong. That bothers me so much but I can't say anything.
Plain and simple I don't know what I'm doing. I am 22 years old and I can no longer figure out how to take care of myself. My personal health is on the steady decline because I treat myself so poorly. I can no longer solve simple problems. I have just been saying "fuck it" as the solution to most things. I rarely pay my bills. I follow which rules and laws I chose to. I have lost my license a few times in the last year, and that still does not affect the way I drive. If anything I drive worse now whether it be out of anger or just not giving a fuck. I honestly do not care if something happens either. I have had two high speed accidents while drunk in the recent past (neither of which I got in trouble for, or hurt in either, further adding to my deranged perceived invincibility) and it doesn't phase me much I still do what I do. I am about to lose my job soon but I can't seem to get it together to find another one, or get my old one back (which was pretty damn good). I left that one to come to this one on a whim and i fucking hate it. It is becoming that final straw in things crashing down. I fucking hate my job so much.
I fucking hate myself as well. I appall myself with the things I do. I disgust myself, I am a terrible person. I act like a piece of shit. I have become a very mean angry spiteful person who treats most people like shit whether I know them or not, except for my best of friends, who occasionally I will lose control and still start shit with them anyway. I always end up feeling bad about it later. It is said that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. I just miss the feeling of closeness so badly. I feel like a loser saying this but it would even feel so nice to just hug someone. I have lost the relationships with any girl I have cared about, and the last one really fucked me up. I have been single for years now but i sabotage any relationship i could potentially enter before it starts. I just want to be loved but run away from it when it happens. I joke around with people and say I am too busy to have time for a girl. My agenda is full of too much drinking and self loathing to have time for a chick, but that's actually true. I don't even have any family (with the exception of my friends who are like my family now but that's just not the same) within thousands of miles of me in either direction except for my sister, but we don't see eachother often enough. I miss that feeling of comfort and safety, i just want to go "home" and curl up in a ball and hide in a corner, but that place does not exist anymore.
That's another thing that really gets to me. My sister is in a very bad situation and I wish there was something I could do for her but I can't and i feel helpless. I should be able to protect my sister and make everything okay. She is in a bad relationship but forced to stay because she's as fucked up as me and is afraid to be alone. She also has no job, she quit when she started to fall apart like me so now she lives with the asshole. My whole family is fucked. My mother, I love her a lot but she is so bat shit crazy it's hart to talk to her anymore. It really bothers me to hear her like that, she has really lost it and is actually insane and cannot take care of herself. My stepdad will not be around forever either. I have a sneaky suspicion he is getting sick and does not want to worry us. If he goes, what will happen to my mom? She doesn't even have a job. She can't do it on her own, and I cartainly cannot take car of her. Other family members bother me like that too.
I honestly wouldn't mind dying sometimes. I'm not suicidal, I don't think I would ever kill myself, but I have become a very reckless person as of late and do not care what happens to me at all. I guess I've always been that way it's just getting much worse recently. I hate almost everything about myself and my life so much, and I always have. I remember being a little kid, like we're talking the age of 6 or 7 years old and actually praying to god that I would not wake up in the morning (I was raised very religious, although I am not anymore).
I now hide from my problems in bottles and bags. The only relief I can find is alcohol and opiates. I drink wayyy too often and huge amounts when I do. I've also been getting more into heroin lately instead of the usual oxy's i would take. I have always loved all drugs recreationally but lately those two specifically have become my comfort blanket.
I feel like I need professional help. I haven't been to a doctor in years as I have no health insurance but I really need to get this shit straightened out. Those free hotlines and pay-lenient places do not work for me I have tried. Plus if there was some way at this point I don't feel capable of figuring out how to make shit like that work. I can't handle setting up appointments and following through. I almost feel like I should have myself committed somewhere and have a serious evaluation and seperate myself from everything that is fucking me up for a while, but I can't afford not to work, plus staying in a crazy house is probably expensive on its own and putting me further in debt would only make my situation worse, and make me feel shittier. And i'm afraid if I do get diagnosed with something, being branded as crazy will fuck my future up as well. I could very well be a schitzo as I am pretty sure my mother is as well. I also seem to have a few different distinct personalities to the point where my friends have actually jokingly named one of them harry (because it rhymes with scary- he's the vicious and violent side of me) There are others but not as noticeable as that son of a bitch. I am like 95% positive I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) as all of the research I have done and read describes/pinpoints me and my life to the t. I also bet I am bipolar and have these huge mood swings and explosively angry tendencies.
I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm sure this ramble makes next to no sense, or benefits anyone at all. It's not even the half of it, i just can't put my thoughts into writing well at all. Heh I bet it doesn't even sound bad at all. I should quit my bitching, I am stronger than that. I'm sorry about the rant i just had to vent, these last few days have been shit and I have hit one of my lowest lows i have hit in a while so it feels good to let it out in the one place I can actually be honest.
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