Dying Connections

[simco]

I know that an extremely important part of getting clean is severing the social ties that bound us up to using. And in almost every way, I've done that. Erased/blocked phone numbers. Had a few unpleasant conversations. Pretty much a clean break from my old group.

But there's one thing that's eating at me...I find myself totally freaked out that my dope connections are drying up.

I live in a small town where the dope scene is tight-knit are paranoid. No scoring on the street here; you have to know people, and it takes a long time to get trusted. And I was never deeply in the scene.

The longer I go without copping, the harder it will be if I ever did try again (it doesn't help that there are racial issues in play). The idea that I could find myself "needing" to score but unable to makes me panic. I've even thought of buying a few bags just to stay known. I know that's an awful idea.

I also know I have to let this go. But it comes and grabs me all the time. I was just driving home from the store and saw one of my old connects in her car. Jolted me like fucking lightning.

 

[Felonious Monk]

No one has ever "needed" to score. They just lose the motivation to stay quit.

This thought will ONLY ruin your recovery. Heroin is not going anywhere.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yeah, Im glad that I dont live where I was really using seriously. I never was really involved in the scene here, so I dont really know any real dealers, just street people who are themselves drug users. Even then, I only really know one, and she has her shit pretty well together some someone who is essentially homeless. LOL so I guess by definition she doesnt have her shit together if she is homeless, but she has always been very nice and considerate to me as a friend and fellow human being. Doesnt live anywhere near me though, so it isnt like I see her unless Im copping. Of course I interact with lots of people at my methadone clinic who use, know where to get dope and themselves deal it, but my clinic here is very small and structured, so it is a very safe place and a lo of recovery happens there, thanks to their if at time somewhat rigid policies.

 

[cj]

I know the exact feeling your talking about. I often worry that the governments going to win the war on drugs and I will have to be sober the rest of my life or something. That thought makes me want to cram all the drugs into my body I can. But its honestly just my brain trying to figure out excuses to use. Its a good bet that heroin isn't going anywhere. And with the invention of the dark net it may not even matter who you know in the future. I wouldn't let that thought derail your recovery.

 

[simco]

thanks, guys. i know it's not rational and that it's counter-productive. funny, "heroin's not going anywhere" brought my heart-rate right down.

and thanks TPD and CJ: glad to know i'm not the only one with this hangup.

 

[Stuck_x]

Our brains are really powerful & the excuses we come up with for using are beyond ridiculous, but i think it will quite possibly always be part of us. Even if its not in terms of using (I certainly hope we all manage to not be still thinking about gear in 20/30 years) but in the sense of another drink, or an extra bit of our maintainance meds or even something like excessive eating. It takes a lot to change the mind set & as early in to your recovery as you are, i dont think you should be so hard on yourself.

 

[simco]

thanks, @stuck. yeah; i want to snap my fingers and will all this shit away.

i often tell folks to go easier on themselves. thanks for a taste of my own medicine .
peace
sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

i often tell folks to go easier on themselves. thanks for a taste of my own medicine .

Sometimes going easier on ourselves is actually more difficult than being hard on ourselves. Better the vicious beast I know than the total stranger I dont kind of deal.