zombiesarepeaceful
Bluelighter
I did a 4oz the night before last, then downed another 4oz the next morning before work. Got to work, asked J if she could hook me up, she says yeah follow me home. By the time I get off work I'm sober. I follow her to her house, we wait ages for the dude, I had a couple drinks with a bunch of vodka so b the time the dude showed I was moderately drunk. I also had ritalin in my system from earlier. finally he shows with our shit and we smoked a couple joints. The rest of them want to go to the Ledges, some park I guess. We decide to smoke a blunt before we go. The first two joints only had me a little high so I figure why not, I thought the dxm was out of my system. I guess it wasn't.
After the third pass around our circle I knew something was up, I noticed my heart speeding up. I was standing, leaning on the wall, suddenly everything was spinning, my vision is blurred and colors are flying everywhere. I darted over to the door, we were in the living room, and I remember fumbling for the doorknob and hitting my head. I collapsed on the porch, my ears are ringing, my heart is now beating so fast I can't feel it anymore, everything is numb no pain though, all I felt was a boom-boom-boom-boom hearing my heart beating and thinking I was going to fly away. I swore I'd have a heart attack any minute. It was beating faster than it ever had, even faster than when I’d od’d on ritalin. I hear voices in the background laughing and saying 'Matt's trippin', but I'm so fucked up, I’m not sure its real. I sit there, sweating in the 91 degree heat, thinking I'm gonna die. I'm thinking this isn't real at all, on the other hand I'm embarassed to death thinking about what'll happen when, or if I come down. Telepathic thoughts enter my head. I don't remember what they said, just that they were calming, reassuring. They were telling me not to be afraid anymore, that I would be just fine. Lately I’ve been overstressed and paranoid. They told me to take better care of myself, told me everything would be alright. It was almost like the OBE I had while I was asleep one time, except much more intense. I think I heard my grandma's voice somewhere in there, saying she had never forsaken me. I began to whisper over and over, "You're just fine, its all in your head". People come outside and I can't look them in the eyes. My heart begins to slow down, and I know I have to get the fuck out of there, go home. I was so terrified that I was gonna die that I swore off all drugs for the rest of my life. I was convinced that I’d be punished if I didn’t listen to this and quit using. I don't think it was that, now that I look back. I think this was just a wake up call, don't be afraid of living anymore. I have to face my fears before I can get over them, is what I learned. Someone stuck their head out askin if I'm ok, I shake my head, and mutter, "bring me my shoes”. Put them on and stumbled to my car. What do I think I'm gonna do in this state? Drive? I can't even walk in a straight line. I feel weak and the world is looking like a strobe light. One of the girls we're smoking with comes out to talk to me cause she sees me getting in my car. I remember babbling some deep shit to her, about my childhood, my parents, my drug use. I felt compelled to at the time, like I was being ordered to and that it held some special meaning. I remember mentioning that I was a cough syrup addict, and talking about that a bit, I think I mentioned the dextroverse. She asked me a bunch of questions trying to calm me down. No one knew why I was trippin until I told her that it wasn't just the weed, it was something I took earlier. After awhile I started my car and I think she got scared thinking I was gonna drive, so she got in her car and followed me. I got to the end of the driveway before the world started spinning and my heart went nuts again. I stopped and we talked a little more, I tried to find my ativan, I had 1mg left. I took 0.5mg cause I was trying to save it for if I overdosed on stims again. It didn’t help at all. I just sat there thinking about my life, musing over what I’d do if I had to be sober, I’d rather die. I told her I was ok to drive (not) and she drove off. I knew I’d wreck if I tried. I J and told her to get out here and take my weed, I said I’d end up killing myself if I keep using drugs. She drove up and took it, asked if I was ok to drive. Shake my head. She tells me there’s no way I’m driving then, told me to get in her car. She drove me back and went back and got my car, kept my keys. I sat outside for a minute then started freaking out again cause I had to get home. Well now I’m coming down enough to be embarrassed. I told her I had to get home but couldn’t drive, so she had her boyfriend follow us out to a gas station near my house while she drove my car. I remember feeling deeply depressed and suicidal. On the way there I was babbling to J, telling her I wouldn’t be at work cause I was humiliated. She said don’t worry about it. She still thought I was trippin on the weed but I told her what it was, she knows about my dxm habit. My car and me got dropped off, I must’ve looked pretty messed up, I thought the people watching were gonna call the cops. I just got the fuck out before they got my plates. Still pretty high, not on weed, on dxm. Which didn’t make sense to me since I’d taken it over 10 hours ago, but I guess not cause this happened. I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes, my god, they were red and my lazy eye was acting up like it does when I smoke. Knew I couldn’t go home. So I call my mom and tell her I have to check the mail, trying to buy time. I didn’t have money for eyedrops, I spent it all on weed. My mom calls and I stop at McDonalds to wash up and look human. She got there and I dashed home before she could see my eyes. She didn’t get home for a couple hours and I was still pretty high so I fell asleep so she wouldn’t notice me. I didn't dream at all. I didn't want to live. I've always wanted to die peacefully or at least high enough not to care.
The Next Day:
This morning I was glowing hard, and I don’t usually get an afterglow. I found my camera missing. I remember trying to take a picture while I was sitting in my car at some point, but tripping too hard to use a camera (lawl) so I threw it down. I don’t know where it could’ve gone but I can’t find it now. I called J today and found out she smoked my weed, after I gave it to her and told her not to give it back. I guess I can’t be mad, I did tell her that afterall. I’m pissed off that I lost my weed, lost my camera, spilled some dark shit to the other girl there, embarrassed myself, probably had everyone else there thinking I couldn’t handle myself on weed. I’m not sure if they knew I was on dxm or what it even is. I learned a lesson. Learned not to be afraid of living anymore, that I can get through things that I’m scared to death of. Maybe. Learned that I should probably be more careful with what I take. I’ve haven’t been caring lately about what I do, just trying not to be sober so I make it through the next three months. I wish I could say it changed me but today I’m still just as anxious as ever, scared to live. The last time I mixed dxm and weed, I blacked out and puked on my weed, at least that didn’t happen this time.
I can’t help but wonder what’s gonna become of me cause all I could think about today was whether I should spend money on gas, or a 4oz. I ended up getting gas. Took some ritalin instead but my heart is going nuts just from that, I wonder if I’ll freak out everytime I take drugs now cause of this.
Camera = $150
Pot = $35
Spilling your guts and being humiliated = priceless
I feel traumatized. If I can't get high again cause of flashbacks from this I don't know what I'll do. I can't calm down, still, a day later. Tripping can get pretty bad.
After the third pass around our circle I knew something was up, I noticed my heart speeding up. I was standing, leaning on the wall, suddenly everything was spinning, my vision is blurred and colors are flying everywhere. I darted over to the door, we were in the living room, and I remember fumbling for the doorknob and hitting my head. I collapsed on the porch, my ears are ringing, my heart is now beating so fast I can't feel it anymore, everything is numb no pain though, all I felt was a boom-boom-boom-boom hearing my heart beating and thinking I was going to fly away. I swore I'd have a heart attack any minute. It was beating faster than it ever had, even faster than when I’d od’d on ritalin. I hear voices in the background laughing and saying 'Matt's trippin', but I'm so fucked up, I’m not sure its real. I sit there, sweating in the 91 degree heat, thinking I'm gonna die. I'm thinking this isn't real at all, on the other hand I'm embarassed to death thinking about what'll happen when, or if I come down. Telepathic thoughts enter my head. I don't remember what they said, just that they were calming, reassuring. They were telling me not to be afraid anymore, that I would be just fine. Lately I’ve been overstressed and paranoid. They told me to take better care of myself, told me everything would be alright. It was almost like the OBE I had while I was asleep one time, except much more intense. I think I heard my grandma's voice somewhere in there, saying she had never forsaken me. I began to whisper over and over, "You're just fine, its all in your head". People come outside and I can't look them in the eyes. My heart begins to slow down, and I know I have to get the fuck out of there, go home. I was so terrified that I was gonna die that I swore off all drugs for the rest of my life. I was convinced that I’d be punished if I didn’t listen to this and quit using. I don't think it was that, now that I look back. I think this was just a wake up call, don't be afraid of living anymore. I have to face my fears before I can get over them, is what I learned. Someone stuck their head out askin if I'm ok, I shake my head, and mutter, "bring me my shoes”. Put them on and stumbled to my car. What do I think I'm gonna do in this state? Drive? I can't even walk in a straight line. I feel weak and the world is looking like a strobe light. One of the girls we're smoking with comes out to talk to me cause she sees me getting in my car. I remember babbling some deep shit to her, about my childhood, my parents, my drug use. I felt compelled to at the time, like I was being ordered to and that it held some special meaning. I remember mentioning that I was a cough syrup addict, and talking about that a bit, I think I mentioned the dextroverse. She asked me a bunch of questions trying to calm me down. No one knew why I was trippin until I told her that it wasn't just the weed, it was something I took earlier. After awhile I started my car and I think she got scared thinking I was gonna drive, so she got in her car and followed me. I got to the end of the driveway before the world started spinning and my heart went nuts again. I stopped and we talked a little more, I tried to find my ativan, I had 1mg left. I took 0.5mg cause I was trying to save it for if I overdosed on stims again. It didn’t help at all. I just sat there thinking about my life, musing over what I’d do if I had to be sober, I’d rather die. I told her I was ok to drive (not) and she drove off. I knew I’d wreck if I tried. I J and told her to get out here and take my weed, I said I’d end up killing myself if I keep using drugs. She drove up and took it, asked if I was ok to drive. Shake my head. She tells me there’s no way I’m driving then, told me to get in her car. She drove me back and went back and got my car, kept my keys. I sat outside for a minute then started freaking out again cause I had to get home. Well now I’m coming down enough to be embarrassed. I told her I had to get home but couldn’t drive, so she had her boyfriend follow us out to a gas station near my house while she drove my car. I remember feeling deeply depressed and suicidal. On the way there I was babbling to J, telling her I wouldn’t be at work cause I was humiliated. She said don’t worry about it. She still thought I was trippin on the weed but I told her what it was, she knows about my dxm habit. My car and me got dropped off, I must’ve looked pretty messed up, I thought the people watching were gonna call the cops. I just got the fuck out before they got my plates. Still pretty high, not on weed, on dxm. Which didn’t make sense to me since I’d taken it over 10 hours ago, but I guess not cause this happened. I looked in the mirror and saw my eyes, my god, they were red and my lazy eye was acting up like it does when I smoke. Knew I couldn’t go home. So I call my mom and tell her I have to check the mail, trying to buy time. I didn’t have money for eyedrops, I spent it all on weed. My mom calls and I stop at McDonalds to wash up and look human. She got there and I dashed home before she could see my eyes. She didn’t get home for a couple hours and I was still pretty high so I fell asleep so she wouldn’t notice me. I didn't dream at all. I didn't want to live. I've always wanted to die peacefully or at least high enough not to care.
The Next Day:
This morning I was glowing hard, and I don’t usually get an afterglow. I found my camera missing. I remember trying to take a picture while I was sitting in my car at some point, but tripping too hard to use a camera (lawl) so I threw it down. I don’t know where it could’ve gone but I can’t find it now. I called J today and found out she smoked my weed, after I gave it to her and told her not to give it back. I guess I can’t be mad, I did tell her that afterall. I’m pissed off that I lost my weed, lost my camera, spilled some dark shit to the other girl there, embarrassed myself, probably had everyone else there thinking I couldn’t handle myself on weed. I’m not sure if they knew I was on dxm or what it even is. I learned a lesson. Learned not to be afraid of living anymore, that I can get through things that I’m scared to death of. Maybe. Learned that I should probably be more careful with what I take. I’ve haven’t been caring lately about what I do, just trying not to be sober so I make it through the next three months. I wish I could say it changed me but today I’m still just as anxious as ever, scared to live. The last time I mixed dxm and weed, I blacked out and puked on my weed, at least that didn’t happen this time.
I can’t help but wonder what’s gonna become of me cause all I could think about today was whether I should spend money on gas, or a 4oz. I ended up getting gas. Took some ritalin instead but my heart is going nuts just from that, I wonder if I’ll freak out everytime I take drugs now cause of this.
Camera = $150
Pot = $35
Spilling your guts and being humiliated = priceless
I feel traumatized. If I can't get high again cause of flashbacks from this I don't know what I'll do. I can't calm down, still, a day later. Tripping can get pretty bad.
