rashandreflex
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 15, 2006
- Messages
- 1,966
this is a trip report i wrote to my best friend about one year ago (she is the 'you.') i should clarify that i am spiritual but not religious and i don't believe in 'God' per se, but i felt as if i was talking to him anyway, i guess.
At 10:00, I drank all three bottles. Then I gathered up my supplies (notebook, pen, phone, book) and went down to the media room to wait. I wanted to leave the lights off, but I was too chicken, so I put them on dim and read a book. The onset of the trip was much faster than with the pills or with the syrup the last time I did it alone. Not too far in (an hour?) I started to feel really high. Bolstered with drug-induced confidence, I turned the lights off and laid down on the couch.
At first, I did just feel dissociated, as if I wasn’t in my body, but I wasn’t watching it either. Then the ceiling turned into hazy, purple waves, and it reminded me of the night sky the last time we did DXM together, and all of a sudden I started to panic because I couldn’t remember whether you were tripping with me or not, and I got scared that you weren’t supposed to because of the celexa. I called my sister and asked if she’d seen you and she said ‘she went home’ and then I remembered! She asked me if I was all right, and I said ‘I’m fine.’ I hung up and lay down again, ‘I’m fine’ echoing in my head. I turned over and wrote ‘How can I be fine, lying here alone?’
It gets more fuzzy after that. There was another tunnel, but this one was a pale blue hurricane-shaped tunnel that I could see up if I laid down. I remember looking at my phone at noon and sometime after that I became very nauseous and stumbled to the bathroom. My arms were so weak that I could barely summon the strength to open the door. In the bathroom, I threw up, but I hadn’t eaten anything, so it was mostly stomach-acid and for a while afterward I was just dry heaving. The toilet water looked odd, the shape of one of those inverse 3-D sine curves.
I don’t know how long I sat by the toilet for, but I was stuck in a thought loop: Why did I trip? What am I doing? All of a sudden I remembered that on DXM people talked to God, and I wanted to talk to God. I stood up and looked in the mirror. I looked so odd, like an injured baby bird. It made me sad for a moment but then I went back to the media room.
I am glad I can reference my notebook for the rest of this because it really helped me to remember what happened in what had been a jumbled, incoherent mess of memories in my mind. Back inside, the hurricane was still there. It spread open to reveal an amorphous violet and cerulean blob. I tried to say ‘Are you God?’ but I couldn’t speak. I reached out and the blob expanded toward me, and I was encouraged because I thought God would reach toward his children. I wrote ‘I want to talk to God’ then ‘God is violet and cerulean and expansive’ then ‘I want to know about loss.’
The harder I tried to speak, the more tense I became, so I tried to relax instead. I wrote ‘God is billowing.’ I am not sure why I kept calling him God since I don’t think I was sure he was (and I definitely don’t think he was now.) Then I began to think about what I had wanted to ask him about, how scared I was that I would keep caring and you would forget me. All of a sudden I thought ‘You can’t control other people; live and let live’ but it felt like the thought had been put into my mind. There’s a psychological word for this, but I forget what it is ('insertion' maybe?) The sensation was bizarre, like someone was writing inside my head. I wrote ‘God is putting thoughts in my head. Don't control other people.’
I didn’t record the rest of the thoughts 'inserted' into my mind, but I kind of remember what I thought about: I need to be independent and to find my own happiness that will always be there no matter what happens with other people. I also knew that I need to accept what is happening that is out of my control. God was billowing above me. I closed my eyes for a bit, and when I opened them, God had been replaced by an image of two people, and I was sure they were us even though I couldn’t really see who they were. I tried to talk to you, but somehow I knew it wasn’t really you, and then the image swirled up like a pinwheel and disappeared.
The next thing I remember is looking at my phone at seven. Inexplicably, I wrote ‘It’s seven’ and I saw all my other entries on god, and I remembered him all of a sudden. The room was dim now with an odd, trippy haze. I struggled to recall what God had said and then remembered that odd sensation of having his words inserted into my head. I remembered the contents of those thoughts, and I had an epiphany. God is just us...the thoughts and actions and attitudes that reside in us and all "god" was doing for me was pointing out what was already me. I felt by then that the blue and purple blob was an illusion.
It seemed like the trip was wearing off, but when I stood up, I felt so dizzy and woozy and high that I lay back down and went to sleep. Awhile later, my sister came in and said it was time for dinner, but I convinced her I needed to sleep so she left me and when I woke up, it was ten thirty and I still felt thick-headed but more recovered. I wandered upstairs and took a bit of Ritalin so I could organize my thoughts and get rid of the cloudiness in my mind. Instead, I curled up with a book and cried a bit. I took a bit more Ritalin, determined to write this.
Now I don’t know what I am going to do with these thoughts, and I am left with the feeling that there was many, many more revelations that were forgotten. I know now that that wasn’t God of course at all, but the experience was really cool in its own way, that I could induce the feeling of seeing and talking to him. Now I feel like I’m floating around, light, sort of ghostlike and I am shocked every time I see another person as if I forgot they lived here, too. Maybe this is still the after effects of the trip. And I’m in highly ascetic mode: I don’t want to eat; I don’t want to sleep; I want to eschew material possessions and the pettiness of the world. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, I love you and I hope you’re having a wonderful time.
At 10:00, I drank all three bottles. Then I gathered up my supplies (notebook, pen, phone, book) and went down to the media room to wait. I wanted to leave the lights off, but I was too chicken, so I put them on dim and read a book. The onset of the trip was much faster than with the pills or with the syrup the last time I did it alone. Not too far in (an hour?) I started to feel really high. Bolstered with drug-induced confidence, I turned the lights off and laid down on the couch.
At first, I did just feel dissociated, as if I wasn’t in my body, but I wasn’t watching it either. Then the ceiling turned into hazy, purple waves, and it reminded me of the night sky the last time we did DXM together, and all of a sudden I started to panic because I couldn’t remember whether you were tripping with me or not, and I got scared that you weren’t supposed to because of the celexa. I called my sister and asked if she’d seen you and she said ‘she went home’ and then I remembered! She asked me if I was all right, and I said ‘I’m fine.’ I hung up and lay down again, ‘I’m fine’ echoing in my head. I turned over and wrote ‘How can I be fine, lying here alone?’
It gets more fuzzy after that. There was another tunnel, but this one was a pale blue hurricane-shaped tunnel that I could see up if I laid down. I remember looking at my phone at noon and sometime after that I became very nauseous and stumbled to the bathroom. My arms were so weak that I could barely summon the strength to open the door. In the bathroom, I threw up, but I hadn’t eaten anything, so it was mostly stomach-acid and for a while afterward I was just dry heaving. The toilet water looked odd, the shape of one of those inverse 3-D sine curves.
I don’t know how long I sat by the toilet for, but I was stuck in a thought loop: Why did I trip? What am I doing? All of a sudden I remembered that on DXM people talked to God, and I wanted to talk to God. I stood up and looked in the mirror. I looked so odd, like an injured baby bird. It made me sad for a moment but then I went back to the media room.
I am glad I can reference my notebook for the rest of this because it really helped me to remember what happened in what had been a jumbled, incoherent mess of memories in my mind. Back inside, the hurricane was still there. It spread open to reveal an amorphous violet and cerulean blob. I tried to say ‘Are you God?’ but I couldn’t speak. I reached out and the blob expanded toward me, and I was encouraged because I thought God would reach toward his children. I wrote ‘I want to talk to God’ then ‘God is violet and cerulean and expansive’ then ‘I want to know about loss.’
The harder I tried to speak, the more tense I became, so I tried to relax instead. I wrote ‘God is billowing.’ I am not sure why I kept calling him God since I don’t think I was sure he was (and I definitely don’t think he was now.) Then I began to think about what I had wanted to ask him about, how scared I was that I would keep caring and you would forget me. All of a sudden I thought ‘You can’t control other people; live and let live’ but it felt like the thought had been put into my mind. There’s a psychological word for this, but I forget what it is ('insertion' maybe?) The sensation was bizarre, like someone was writing inside my head. I wrote ‘God is putting thoughts in my head. Don't control other people.’
I didn’t record the rest of the thoughts 'inserted' into my mind, but I kind of remember what I thought about: I need to be independent and to find my own happiness that will always be there no matter what happens with other people. I also knew that I need to accept what is happening that is out of my control. God was billowing above me. I closed my eyes for a bit, and when I opened them, God had been replaced by an image of two people, and I was sure they were us even though I couldn’t really see who they were. I tried to talk to you, but somehow I knew it wasn’t really you, and then the image swirled up like a pinwheel and disappeared.
The next thing I remember is looking at my phone at seven. Inexplicably, I wrote ‘It’s seven’ and I saw all my other entries on god, and I remembered him all of a sudden. The room was dim now with an odd, trippy haze. I struggled to recall what God had said and then remembered that odd sensation of having his words inserted into my head. I remembered the contents of those thoughts, and I had an epiphany. God is just us...the thoughts and actions and attitudes that reside in us and all "god" was doing for me was pointing out what was already me. I felt by then that the blue and purple blob was an illusion.
It seemed like the trip was wearing off, but when I stood up, I felt so dizzy and woozy and high that I lay back down and went to sleep. Awhile later, my sister came in and said it was time for dinner, but I convinced her I needed to sleep so she left me and when I woke up, it was ten thirty and I still felt thick-headed but more recovered. I wandered upstairs and took a bit of Ritalin so I could organize my thoughts and get rid of the cloudiness in my mind. Instead, I curled up with a book and cried a bit. I took a bit more Ritalin, determined to write this.
Now I don’t know what I am going to do with these thoughts, and I am left with the feeling that there was many, many more revelations that were forgotten. I know now that that wasn’t God of course at all, but the experience was really cool in its own way, that I could induce the feeling of seeing and talking to him. Now I feel like I’m floating around, light, sort of ghostlike and I am shocked every time I see another person as if I forgot they lived here, too. Maybe this is still the after effects of the trip. And I’m in highly ascetic mode: I don’t want to eat; I don’t want to sleep; I want to eschew material possessions and the pettiness of the world. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, I love you and I hope you’re having a wonderful time.
