Eye
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2010
- Messages
- 94
I have not tried OTC solutions. I should look into that.
I'm not irritable any longer, and it turns out it was quite short lived, probably the result of coffee intake after a DXM crash and little sleep. The cravings have also passed, which I think is a great sign indeed.
I wanted to talk for a bit about what happened when I was on the DXM. I've had all this anger and shame stored up inside for some things that happened when I was a teenager and a young adult. I have been hiding from everyone because of those feelings. I had no idea that any of it was there; I thought it was just depression.
When I was on DXM--and I had been playing with it for some six months or longer--all of that came into my head again, and it was a shock to see it, frankly. I'm so much mentally healthier now that I quit the alcohol, but there was still more to uncover and deal with.
I was angry with my parents for ignoring me and leaving me to care for myself most of the time when I was a child. They were professors and just ignored some pretty serious stuff. I never bathed, never brushed my hair, had thick mats in my hair. My basic needs were pretty much neglected.
When I was a young teenager, I was messing around with one of my cousins, and my mother packed us up and drove us home in the middle of the night--four hours--and never talked to me about what happened. I know that we never went back again, and our relationships with my aunt's and mother's family were strained forever. I felt humiliated and badly punished, but it was all silent.
When I came out to my parents in young adulthood, they cut me off completely. I was doing activist work on campus and writing about my experiences, and my parents told me they wanted me to change my name.
So here's what I did:
I used basic CBT methods on myself throughout the process.
I forgave my mother. She is the daughter of a schizophrenic mother who committed suicide, and she doesn't know how to parent. My father is blind and doesn't know when I needed help. They were both trying to get tenure at the university.
They did many things right. They made sure we had great schools and plenty of books and verbal communication with them. They took us on vacations every summer. We had nice houses, a pool, lots of different after school and summer programs. We always had food and clothing.
I forgave myself for misbehaving. I apologized to everyone involved with the upset in my mother's family, and they all accepted graciously, but they all said "it wasn't your fault." I wrote my concerns on an anonymous blog and shared it with my mother who said, "This was a spat between your aunt and me. I was never mad at you."
I wrote on the same blog about my coming out experience but realized that both mom and dad had completely changed their tune. We are actually much closer than ever, and they have been warm and accepting of my partner. They were simply a product of their time, and just like everyone with any heart has done, they learned and grew. What more could I have hoped for?
I'm also seeing a counselor and being honest for the first time. I've had a lot of guilt for job losses before and during my alcohol addiction, but there have been other factors that I'm exploring with her. I'm hoping I can learn to cope with job losses better rather than wallowing in the guilt and shame.
I'd never have gotten to any of this had I not been on DXM, or at least not like this. As things came up, I talked them through, wrote about them, and made contact with those I needed to talk with, and I talked with them. My mother is now talking about her own mental health issues and her own doubts and fears WITH ME, something I never expected to have, her trust and interest.
I'm not hiding, not feeling shame, not manipulating, not using drugs to mask my pain.
You can read my blog here if you're interested, although there is nothing about DXM on it yet: http://lippablog.wordpress.com/. There are only about eight entries but there's more to come. I need to tie up the coming out story, but I also have a date rape I want to process, etc.
I'm not irritable any longer, and it turns out it was quite short lived, probably the result of coffee intake after a DXM crash and little sleep. The cravings have also passed, which I think is a great sign indeed.
I wanted to talk for a bit about what happened when I was on the DXM. I've had all this anger and shame stored up inside for some things that happened when I was a teenager and a young adult. I have been hiding from everyone because of those feelings. I had no idea that any of it was there; I thought it was just depression.
When I was on DXM--and I had been playing with it for some six months or longer--all of that came into my head again, and it was a shock to see it, frankly. I'm so much mentally healthier now that I quit the alcohol, but there was still more to uncover and deal with.
I was angry with my parents for ignoring me and leaving me to care for myself most of the time when I was a child. They were professors and just ignored some pretty serious stuff. I never bathed, never brushed my hair, had thick mats in my hair. My basic needs were pretty much neglected.
When I was a young teenager, I was messing around with one of my cousins, and my mother packed us up and drove us home in the middle of the night--four hours--and never talked to me about what happened. I know that we never went back again, and our relationships with my aunt's and mother's family were strained forever. I felt humiliated and badly punished, but it was all silent.
When I came out to my parents in young adulthood, they cut me off completely. I was doing activist work on campus and writing about my experiences, and my parents told me they wanted me to change my name.
So here's what I did:
I used basic CBT methods on myself throughout the process.
I forgave my mother. She is the daughter of a schizophrenic mother who committed suicide, and she doesn't know how to parent. My father is blind and doesn't know when I needed help. They were both trying to get tenure at the university.
They did many things right. They made sure we had great schools and plenty of books and verbal communication with them. They took us on vacations every summer. We had nice houses, a pool, lots of different after school and summer programs. We always had food and clothing.
I forgave myself for misbehaving. I apologized to everyone involved with the upset in my mother's family, and they all accepted graciously, but they all said "it wasn't your fault." I wrote my concerns on an anonymous blog and shared it with my mother who said, "This was a spat between your aunt and me. I was never mad at you."
I wrote on the same blog about my coming out experience but realized that both mom and dad had completely changed their tune. We are actually much closer than ever, and they have been warm and accepting of my partner. They were simply a product of their time, and just like everyone with any heart has done, they learned and grew. What more could I have hoped for?
I'm also seeing a counselor and being honest for the first time. I've had a lot of guilt for job losses before and during my alcohol addiction, but there have been other factors that I'm exploring with her. I'm hoping I can learn to cope with job losses better rather than wallowing in the guilt and shame.
I'd never have gotten to any of this had I not been on DXM, or at least not like this. As things came up, I talked them through, wrote about them, and made contact with those I needed to talk with, and I talked with them. My mother is now talking about her own mental health issues and her own doubts and fears WITH ME, something I never expected to have, her trust and interest.
I'm not hiding, not feeling shame, not manipulating, not using drugs to mask my pain.
You can read my blog here if you're interested, although there is nothing about DXM on it yet: http://lippablog.wordpress.com/. There are only about eight entries but there's more to come. I need to tie up the coming out story, but I also have a date rape I want to process, etc.
