Peppermint Fear
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2006
- Messages
- 316
If a mod wants to move this to the other thread I made, feel free. this is pretty long so I decided to make a new thread for it.
I added "fear" to the listing because I feel it has been a very strong piece of my DXM trip. Fear, I believe, is a drug in and of itself. Nothing is so powerful as an attack of pure fear. Mushrooms have tricked me, but only for an hour. Fear tricked me for five days straight, and they would have gone on tricking me had I not snapped out of the experience.
I will continue my story where it left off. I was fully tripping, had been smoking weed and cigarettes all night. The 300mg, albeit a small dose, was in full effect about 7 hours from ingestion. I was tripping hard enough to lose complete track of time. It seemed that every time I checked my clock, it showed a different time - sometimes it felt as though time had gone backwards. I felt like time had no longer gone forwards, but instead it took me wherever it pleased. It was 9 pm, then midnight, then 1 am, then 10 pm again. I didn't care, I was in paradise. Music was my guide, and reality slipped in and out of making sense. It (being the sense of reality I had taken for granted previously) seemed distant, though it was comforting nonetheless to take this break. Feeling happy and euphoric, a phone call from my friend asking if I'd like to head to a party felt like a sign. I quickly agreed and went out for a cigarette while I waited for them to show up.
On the way down, we smoked a few bowls, and upon arriving I called my friend that goes to this school and explained my situation. He laughed and said he had nothing to do that night. When we got to the party, I quickly realized it was somewhat of a... non-party. Maybe six kids sitting around, only three or so of them actually drinkers, talking about things I couldn't quite understand.
This is when the anxiety hit full force.
Where DXM had previously given me the tools necessary to deal with and enjoy the intense emotions, it now apparently no longer felt those services were needed. I began at first growing uncomfortable and overly aware of my surroundings. Why the fuck am I here? Who are these people? I just want to go home.
Within minutes, we were off to another party. I don't recall exactly how it happened, but it did, and I was sitting in the back seat with an extra person in the car (we came down with three people including myself and now had four, two of them I was just meeting tonight) on our way to a party that turned out to be - and this did make me laugh - filled with practicing, religious, farsi-speakin' (and surprisingly, also beer ponging) Persians.
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?!
I was offered a beer but declined. Not only was it natural ice, I didn't feel too well still. After about 10 minutes of excruciating boredom wherein I was left with nothing to do but ponder my own doom, we escaped to hotbox my friends' car. The weed I had was quite potent, though I had been smoking it for a good month straight so I had a partial tolerance to the strain. My friends were both somewhat lightweights and very much enjoyed the toke. I didn't notice much difference, but it did partially help take my mind off of the impending doom that seemed to be the theme of the evening.
We headed back to the first party we hit. Just as dead as before, but with one person passed out on the couch (this was about 4 am, or around 8-10 hours after I did the DXM). What happened next is all a blur, though I believe it was mostly me sitting on a chair freaking out about how I was going to die - I cannot explain my logic for this reasoning, for there was none. However, I nonetheless had this creeping notion in the back of my mind that tonight was the night I'd pass away. My mother and my family crept into my mind. I felt really bad for what I was doing to them, leaving them on this earth with a dead son and brother.
Retrospection tells me that this fear of death can be marked up to one thing, and one thing alone: I was, ahem, high on cough syrup and weed. What do you know?!
The rest of the night was boring and filled with anxiety until we left at around 4:30 to head the hour and a half back home. The car ride would prove to be the worst I have ever put myself through.
Anxiety attack after anxiety attack. My chest would feel increased pressure, and the pressure would rise until I though I was choking, wherein I would ask to be pulled over so I could vomit - which I still to this day have not done since taking the DXM. The vomiting was constant dry heaving. I kept telling myself I would be okay, but a part of me said I died already and this was all an illusion.
Cigarettes. Marijuana. A candy bar and 5 minutes to take a walk at a gas station. Nothing calmed me. Upon return to my home, I got out of the car and felt the anxiety melt away! Walking back to my dorm, I smoked a bit and started feeling much better. When I got into my room, I fell asleep almost immediately.
The next day I woke up still "off" with my vision. Not knowing why this was, and finding the only rational explanation to be that I was completely and totally fucked and/or popssibly already dead, I freaked out.
Nobody could calm me for the next four to five days. I was braindead in classes, too mentally preoccupied with my "condition" to do well. Retrospectively thinking, I believe the DXM left my body sometime on Monday. The anxiety is still partially with me (though it decreases every day, and I am now almost fully without it), and I had a near heart attack on Tuesday because the anxiety was stronger than ever before.
Marijuana, usually a comfort blanket, brought out anxiety because I smoked it and expected to be totally normal instead of high, so when I got high I freaked out as though I had totally forgotten what it does to the mind!
All in all, the experience was quite powerful, and I will never forget it. Will I go back to DXM? Probably not, but only because it's harder on the body than I had thought. Will I do other drugs? Of course. Because pushing oneself to the limit like this (while remaining safe, as I was, though I did not think it) teaches the most lessons. To me, it's not a psychedelic experience without a few minutes of cursing yourself for ever putting the drug in you.
As a side note, I was offered ecstasy and was wondering if I should have any potential problems with either: the possibility of my lacking a liver enzyme, or my anxiety? Kids I know double dropped the pill I have, but I have never done it and know that I would be anxious... though I hear it's pretty good at removing anxiety =)
Thanks for reading and special thanks to everyone who dealt with my anxiety on these forums and answered my questions!
I added "fear" to the listing because I feel it has been a very strong piece of my DXM trip. Fear, I believe, is a drug in and of itself. Nothing is so powerful as an attack of pure fear. Mushrooms have tricked me, but only for an hour. Fear tricked me for five days straight, and they would have gone on tricking me had I not snapped out of the experience.
I will continue my story where it left off. I was fully tripping, had been smoking weed and cigarettes all night. The 300mg, albeit a small dose, was in full effect about 7 hours from ingestion. I was tripping hard enough to lose complete track of time. It seemed that every time I checked my clock, it showed a different time - sometimes it felt as though time had gone backwards. I felt like time had no longer gone forwards, but instead it took me wherever it pleased. It was 9 pm, then midnight, then 1 am, then 10 pm again. I didn't care, I was in paradise. Music was my guide, and reality slipped in and out of making sense. It (being the sense of reality I had taken for granted previously) seemed distant, though it was comforting nonetheless to take this break. Feeling happy and euphoric, a phone call from my friend asking if I'd like to head to a party felt like a sign. I quickly agreed and went out for a cigarette while I waited for them to show up.
On the way down, we smoked a few bowls, and upon arriving I called my friend that goes to this school and explained my situation. He laughed and said he had nothing to do that night. When we got to the party, I quickly realized it was somewhat of a... non-party. Maybe six kids sitting around, only three or so of them actually drinkers, talking about things I couldn't quite understand.
This is when the anxiety hit full force.
Where DXM had previously given me the tools necessary to deal with and enjoy the intense emotions, it now apparently no longer felt those services were needed. I began at first growing uncomfortable and overly aware of my surroundings. Why the fuck am I here? Who are these people? I just want to go home.
Within minutes, we were off to another party. I don't recall exactly how it happened, but it did, and I was sitting in the back seat with an extra person in the car (we came down with three people including myself and now had four, two of them I was just meeting tonight) on our way to a party that turned out to be - and this did make me laugh - filled with practicing, religious, farsi-speakin' (and surprisingly, also beer ponging) Persians.
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?!
I was offered a beer but declined. Not only was it natural ice, I didn't feel too well still. After about 10 minutes of excruciating boredom wherein I was left with nothing to do but ponder my own doom, we escaped to hotbox my friends' car. The weed I had was quite potent, though I had been smoking it for a good month straight so I had a partial tolerance to the strain. My friends were both somewhat lightweights and very much enjoyed the toke. I didn't notice much difference, but it did partially help take my mind off of the impending doom that seemed to be the theme of the evening.
We headed back to the first party we hit. Just as dead as before, but with one person passed out on the couch (this was about 4 am, or around 8-10 hours after I did the DXM). What happened next is all a blur, though I believe it was mostly me sitting on a chair freaking out about how I was going to die - I cannot explain my logic for this reasoning, for there was none. However, I nonetheless had this creeping notion in the back of my mind that tonight was the night I'd pass away. My mother and my family crept into my mind. I felt really bad for what I was doing to them, leaving them on this earth with a dead son and brother.
Retrospection tells me that this fear of death can be marked up to one thing, and one thing alone: I was, ahem, high on cough syrup and weed. What do you know?!
The rest of the night was boring and filled with anxiety until we left at around 4:30 to head the hour and a half back home. The car ride would prove to be the worst I have ever put myself through.
Anxiety attack after anxiety attack. My chest would feel increased pressure, and the pressure would rise until I though I was choking, wherein I would ask to be pulled over so I could vomit - which I still to this day have not done since taking the DXM. The vomiting was constant dry heaving. I kept telling myself I would be okay, but a part of me said I died already and this was all an illusion.
Cigarettes. Marijuana. A candy bar and 5 minutes to take a walk at a gas station. Nothing calmed me. Upon return to my home, I got out of the car and felt the anxiety melt away! Walking back to my dorm, I smoked a bit and started feeling much better. When I got into my room, I fell asleep almost immediately.
The next day I woke up still "off" with my vision. Not knowing why this was, and finding the only rational explanation to be that I was completely and totally fucked and/or popssibly already dead, I freaked out.
Nobody could calm me for the next four to five days. I was braindead in classes, too mentally preoccupied with my "condition" to do well. Retrospectively thinking, I believe the DXM left my body sometime on Monday. The anxiety is still partially with me (though it decreases every day, and I am now almost fully without it), and I had a near heart attack on Tuesday because the anxiety was stronger than ever before.
Marijuana, usually a comfort blanket, brought out anxiety because I smoked it and expected to be totally normal instead of high, so when I got high I freaked out as though I had totally forgotten what it does to the mind!
All in all, the experience was quite powerful, and I will never forget it. Will I go back to DXM? Probably not, but only because it's harder on the body than I had thought. Will I do other drugs? Of course. Because pushing oneself to the limit like this (while remaining safe, as I was, though I did not think it) teaches the most lessons. To me, it's not a psychedelic experience without a few minutes of cursing yourself for ever putting the drug in you.
As a side note, I was offered ecstasy and was wondering if I should have any potential problems with either: the possibility of my lacking a liver enzyme, or my anxiety? Kids I know double dropped the pill I have, but I have never done it and know that I would be anxious... though I hear it's pretty good at removing anxiety =)
Thanks for reading and special thanks to everyone who dealt with my anxiety on these forums and answered my questions!
