Beware...Be AWARE.
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 24, 2009
- Messages
- 17
So there I was, a week ago from today... It had been six days since my last rendezvous with DXM, (390mgs) and I felt ready to take a leap into the deeper realms of the dex-space. My previous experience with the substance had consisted of about two months of exploration; 195mgs my first time, and 390mgs the next six times. All of these nights had been fueled by Zicam Cough Max, (390mgs per half-ounce bottle- yey!) and this night was to be no exception. I left one of my best friends at my house for about 20 mins. after going over my plan for the night, to bike ride down to my local Walgreen's and pick up the elixer my mind had been seeking...
I had picked up 2 bottles of the "Zimax" and measured the contents of 1.5 bottles into a shot glass on my desk. The goal was to shoot the whole thing at once while getting as little of it as possible in my mouth and on my tongue; of course this backfired completely as it all poured directly onto my tongue and I swilled it around a bit in my mouth before downing that vile-tasting shit in one solid gulp. I suppose the taste really isn't that bad, but there's just something about it that makes me cringe whenever I think about it: that intense mix of bitter, sweet and extreme menthol... So delicious, mmm...
Body weight: ~66kgs; Dosage: ~585mgs DXM HBr
I chilled with my friend in the room throughout my come-up. I had dosed at about 10:20pm, and shortly after this we decided to listen to some music and vape some bud. I remember feeling the effects come on quite quickly; within minutes, (empty stomach certainly contributed here.) This wasn't too surprising, as I have always noticed the effects of DXM to come on pretty quickly- but by the end of the vape session I was already beyond what I usually refer to as the "coming-up" stage, and it had only been maybe 45 mins. since I dosed. This was going to be an interesting night...
We had been listening to a Shakti (awesome Indian jazz-fusion group!) live bootleg recording from 1977 for a good while, and I remember closing my eyes and just drifting through the droning and ever-evolving soundscapes shortly after we had finished partaking in the green goodness. I was still talking to my friend occasionally, but less and less as time carried on. After only maybe a minute after closing my eyes, my visual field zoomed out- and revealed my perception to be coming from the bottom corner of a four-sided "room," probably comparable in size to the bedroom my physical body was actually in. The walls and floor/ceiling were all materializing as beautiful and constantly morphing "Persian rugs," and I was in awe that I was already experiencing the kind of effects that I would normally be having deep into the peak of a DXM trip, (and usually after putting much more effort into letting myself "go" into the experience.)
At this point, my friend could tell that I was definitely beginning to really feel it, and I was expressing my excitement and awe to him as it was all going down. A little less than an hour after I dosed, he decided to go home- fine by me as we both knew ahead of time that this was inevitably what was going to go down: me laying down in a completely dark room for an unknown amount of hours in complete stillness and silence, with nothing but dark-ambient music infiltrating my senses. I would be getting up occasionally to go to the bathroom, or smoke a bong load- but that would probably be about the extent of my physical activity for the rest of the eve.
And with that, at around the hour mark, it was just me and the dextro... I turned out all of my lights and put Lustmord's "The Place Where The Black Stars Hang," (highly recommended dark-ambient; really good for meditation/introspection- a DXM favorite of mine) on repeat on my stereo, loaded up a quick snap, and cleared my mind for lift-off. One fat bong rip later and I was good to go- and oh so relieved from any coughing troubles!
Here is where it really begins... In no time I was deeply immersed in the dex head-space. My previous excursions into DXM land had given me a proper "grounding" of sorts into the basics of this altered state, and I felt completely comfortable and open. Once again, I had found my way back into this lucid-dream like state; completely aware of my "real" surroundings, (if not more so in an odd sort of way) while simultaneously expanding my awareness inward and outward, (the distinction between the two becoming increasingly irrelevant as time went on.) It is here that perhaps it would be wise for me to explain my main interest in this powerful tool up to this point:
To me, dextromethorphan hydrobromide has powerful potential to be utilized as a tool for consciousness-expansion. It is a full-blown, completely legitamite psychedelic. Most of my time on the substance has always been spent in deep thought/immersion, much in the same manner as I described above. I feel that this catalyst has given me more of a clear-headed understanding of the psychedelic experience than any other I've taken thus far, (mushrooms, LSD, salvia being my other forays into the realm.) It has helped me to help myself in shedding old/ineffective "mental frameworks" in favor of new perspectives on everything.
Kind of hard to explain, but it is as if the drug really opened up a pathway for thought that had been laying just out of cognizance, yet had always been there before- waiting for the right key to unlock the gates... Perceptions which had always existed mainly as very abstract ideas/thoughts were now "piecing together" to form a bigger picture that my mind was now able to grasp in more concrete terms. My conceptions into the nature of ideas such as life, consciousness, reality, logic, language, mathematics, geometry, spirituality, philosophy, religion, society, a whole lot of etc... were undergoing new formulation at a base level that can be hard to get down to when we are so bogged by our own preconceptions and "knowledge" of any given subject. That all being said, let me get back to this particular experience before I get too side-tracked...
As I let myself flow into the experience, I began to percieve "mindscapes" much more vividly and intensely than on any of my previous DXM trips, which was great since much of the point of this trip for me was to see what I could find wading in the deeper waters of my expanded stream-of-consciousness. It took very little effort on my part to become completely immersed in full-on perceptual "hallucinations:" I would go from transporting down hallways and tunnels, to flying through open spaces and oceans; sometimes with a concrete "body," at other times as a point of awareness, and still at other times as a sense of all-encompassing consciousness. Multiple, vivid levels of thought/perception were being simultaneously created and felt, and all were constantly changing into something different.
At times, I would be engulfed in the details of a particular scene- typically archetypal locales such as forests, city-streets, plains, temples and space. I could zoom in/out to see the micro/macro-scopic levels of action and awareness and the inherent interconnectivity of all of these systems. Sometimes, my sense of space would shrink or grow in a swift and awe-inspiring manner; I recall looking down on a pillar of some sort at one point, it was perhaps 3 feet tall, and in a matter of seconds it jetted up to the height of a hundred feet or more. Many times I would "fly" through these dream-worlds on a forward-moving "track," but sometimes I would stop in one location and be able to envision a scene in a more fully fleshed-out, complete three-dimensional sense: twisting around all sides of an object, perceiving all at once its impression into the space around it. Some amazing shit indeed; sometimes I didn't even know if my eyes were open or closed- but that didn't really matter...
So I spent about two hours at this level, and decided at one point that now would be a great time to get up and go to the bathroom and take another nice bong rip. My movements in physical reality were definitely slow and meticulous, requiring more focus than normal- although I would say that I did not really feel "intoxicated" as I might on a higher level of alcohol. There was a degree of intoxication I suppose, but it was certainly different than alcohol... To be expected of course. My perception of the "real" world wasn't really distorted at all; I do recall a couple of oddities, but nothing major. I guess stuff just seemed a bit different, but everything was quite intact. I remember looking into the adjacent bedroom from mine and seeing the inside as a sort of "grey haze" for a second, but that was really the most intense OEV effect I noticed throughout the duration of the experience, (assuming my eyes were closed the whole time I was in my bed that is.)
Upon returning to my dark retreat, I began to wonder if now would be a good time to finish off the rest of the second Zimax bottle I had purchased earlier. I figured that I had probably come pretty close to the plataeu of my trip at this point, (T+ ~3hrs.) and pondered just how taking the remaining 195mgs from said bottle would affect the experience. I layed down to really contemplate this idea for a while, and after about 10-20 minutes, I decided that YES- this was a good idea: even if the remaining DXM only prolonged my current peak, I figured that no matter what happened, I would certainly not be disappointed... Boy, was I right about that one.
Dosing complete: 780mgs of DXM HBr now inside of me; ready to kick it into high-gear... One more bong rip... The time is fast-approaching...
I'm in deep now. As the minutes pass on, time becomes more and more meaningless. I'm still aware of my body and environment, but my ego is being stripped away from me at a much more rapid and intense level. My perceptions in the dex-space are becoming more abstract and immersive. I am definitely still awake, but my sense of being in a dream is continuing to increase. At this level, apt description becomes much more difficult: I recall speaking to myself via "mental constructs," that while wholly and cognizantly were myself, seemed to exhibit certain degrees of subjectivity. I was splitting and merging with all sorts of perceptions, and I can only faintly describe some of these mindscapes as existing on such an abstract level, that concepts of time/location didn't really apply. At this point I was existing as bodyless conscious energy: flowing through the infinite plains of a vast network of interdependent systems moving in complete harmony with each other; pulsing through veins of light constantly in motion to create a perpetual state of creation. Then, out of seemingly nowhere- IT happened...
F E A R ... Gripping, deep, and real. In a moment a rising sense of anxiety began to spiral into a pit of the deepest fear I have ever felt. DEATH. I was reminded of my previous meetings with what I believe to have been this same fear, (presented to me on mushrooms before as a nagging sense of uneasiness and anxiety, and once on salvia in much the same manner as on this experience) and entertained the possibility of "aborting" my excursion there and then: Get up, turn on the lights, turn off the music, "ground" yourself in reality, "...smoke some grass- shit, do what you gotta do man!"
I didn't stop here though. I knew that I had been brought back to this point for a reason, and if I tried to back out now- I'd probably spend the next four hours or so scared shitless for no real reason, in a vain attempt to shut out what was going on. NO- this was not to be this trip, not after coming this far. If I backed out now, I might never muster up the courage to come this far again. I knew that everything was really fine: that I was safe and alive in my bed and that the fear I was feeling was just an illusion.
This was it... The REAL deal. Time to trust what I had been led to and let myself go. I realized that this fear was a panic response looping through my awareness brought on by my ego holding on in a desperate attempt to the last strands of control that it had, and that all I had to do to get rid of it was to just let it go. I was being faced with the choice that we are always faced with, but not necessarily forced to work through:
To be controlled by FEAR; or to be guided by LOVE.
And in an instant, as quickly as it had come on, (the whole ordeal probably took place in a span of less than a minute) it was completely gone. This wasn't just some BS mind-trick or something; it was as if an incredible weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The fear wasn't gripping me anymore because I realized that there really was nothing to fear... My sensorium broke down as everything merged more and more into what it really is: ONE. No self, no other, only all. I can really only recall the event-horizon; as there wasn't really anything left of me to remember anything past that point, up until I came out of it a couple of hours or so later...
I returned to my "human perceptual-conduit" at around 7:00am. I was definitely still dexin', but I had come down considerably. I felt a slight sense of nausea, so I decided to head to the bathroom. About a minute later, I had completed the purge. Nice, quick, and easy- done. I felt absolutely wonderful from here on out; deeply humbled and reborn in a sense. My body, mind and spirit all felt charged and fresh. This was a new dawn. I layed back down in my bed and turned off the still-looping "Black Stars" in favor of the peaceful static of my bedside fan. I slowly drifted off into a deep state of relaxation and introspection. WOW... So much to reflect on; what an incredible experience.
Eventually, I drifted peacefully off into the dream-world. I awoke the next day feeling a little fatigued, but great for the most part. The trip was over, but its impression was not to be left behind.
Submitted: June 9th, 2009.
Beware...Be AWARE.
-----
Erowid ID: 79296
Author: Beware...Be AWARE.
Title: Fear and Loving in My Bedsheets
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_dxm
substancecode_dissociatives
explevel_inexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
exptype_spiritual
exptype_lifechanging
roacode_oral
I had picked up 2 bottles of the "Zimax" and measured the contents of 1.5 bottles into a shot glass on my desk. The goal was to shoot the whole thing at once while getting as little of it as possible in my mouth and on my tongue; of course this backfired completely as it all poured directly onto my tongue and I swilled it around a bit in my mouth before downing that vile-tasting shit in one solid gulp. I suppose the taste really isn't that bad, but there's just something about it that makes me cringe whenever I think about it: that intense mix of bitter, sweet and extreme menthol... So delicious, mmm...
Body weight: ~66kgs; Dosage: ~585mgs DXM HBr
I chilled with my friend in the room throughout my come-up. I had dosed at about 10:20pm, and shortly after this we decided to listen to some music and vape some bud. I remember feeling the effects come on quite quickly; within minutes, (empty stomach certainly contributed here.) This wasn't too surprising, as I have always noticed the effects of DXM to come on pretty quickly- but by the end of the vape session I was already beyond what I usually refer to as the "coming-up" stage, and it had only been maybe 45 mins. since I dosed. This was going to be an interesting night...
We had been listening to a Shakti (awesome Indian jazz-fusion group!) live bootleg recording from 1977 for a good while, and I remember closing my eyes and just drifting through the droning and ever-evolving soundscapes shortly after we had finished partaking in the green goodness. I was still talking to my friend occasionally, but less and less as time carried on. After only maybe a minute after closing my eyes, my visual field zoomed out- and revealed my perception to be coming from the bottom corner of a four-sided "room," probably comparable in size to the bedroom my physical body was actually in. The walls and floor/ceiling were all materializing as beautiful and constantly morphing "Persian rugs," and I was in awe that I was already experiencing the kind of effects that I would normally be having deep into the peak of a DXM trip, (and usually after putting much more effort into letting myself "go" into the experience.)
At this point, my friend could tell that I was definitely beginning to really feel it, and I was expressing my excitement and awe to him as it was all going down. A little less than an hour after I dosed, he decided to go home- fine by me as we both knew ahead of time that this was inevitably what was going to go down: me laying down in a completely dark room for an unknown amount of hours in complete stillness and silence, with nothing but dark-ambient music infiltrating my senses. I would be getting up occasionally to go to the bathroom, or smoke a bong load- but that would probably be about the extent of my physical activity for the rest of the eve.
And with that, at around the hour mark, it was just me and the dextro... I turned out all of my lights and put Lustmord's "The Place Where The Black Stars Hang," (highly recommended dark-ambient; really good for meditation/introspection- a DXM favorite of mine) on repeat on my stereo, loaded up a quick snap, and cleared my mind for lift-off. One fat bong rip later and I was good to go- and oh so relieved from any coughing troubles!
Here is where it really begins... In no time I was deeply immersed in the dex head-space. My previous excursions into DXM land had given me a proper "grounding" of sorts into the basics of this altered state, and I felt completely comfortable and open. Once again, I had found my way back into this lucid-dream like state; completely aware of my "real" surroundings, (if not more so in an odd sort of way) while simultaneously expanding my awareness inward and outward, (the distinction between the two becoming increasingly irrelevant as time went on.) It is here that perhaps it would be wise for me to explain my main interest in this powerful tool up to this point:
To me, dextromethorphan hydrobromide has powerful potential to be utilized as a tool for consciousness-expansion. It is a full-blown, completely legitamite psychedelic. Most of my time on the substance has always been spent in deep thought/immersion, much in the same manner as I described above. I feel that this catalyst has given me more of a clear-headed understanding of the psychedelic experience than any other I've taken thus far, (mushrooms, LSD, salvia being my other forays into the realm.) It has helped me to help myself in shedding old/ineffective "mental frameworks" in favor of new perspectives on everything.
Kind of hard to explain, but it is as if the drug really opened up a pathway for thought that had been laying just out of cognizance, yet had always been there before- waiting for the right key to unlock the gates... Perceptions which had always existed mainly as very abstract ideas/thoughts were now "piecing together" to form a bigger picture that my mind was now able to grasp in more concrete terms. My conceptions into the nature of ideas such as life, consciousness, reality, logic, language, mathematics, geometry, spirituality, philosophy, religion, society, a whole lot of etc... were undergoing new formulation at a base level that can be hard to get down to when we are so bogged by our own preconceptions and "knowledge" of any given subject. That all being said, let me get back to this particular experience before I get too side-tracked...
As I let myself flow into the experience, I began to percieve "mindscapes" much more vividly and intensely than on any of my previous DXM trips, which was great since much of the point of this trip for me was to see what I could find wading in the deeper waters of my expanded stream-of-consciousness. It took very little effort on my part to become completely immersed in full-on perceptual "hallucinations:" I would go from transporting down hallways and tunnels, to flying through open spaces and oceans; sometimes with a concrete "body," at other times as a point of awareness, and still at other times as a sense of all-encompassing consciousness. Multiple, vivid levels of thought/perception were being simultaneously created and felt, and all were constantly changing into something different.
At times, I would be engulfed in the details of a particular scene- typically archetypal locales such as forests, city-streets, plains, temples and space. I could zoom in/out to see the micro/macro-scopic levels of action and awareness and the inherent interconnectivity of all of these systems. Sometimes, my sense of space would shrink or grow in a swift and awe-inspiring manner; I recall looking down on a pillar of some sort at one point, it was perhaps 3 feet tall, and in a matter of seconds it jetted up to the height of a hundred feet or more. Many times I would "fly" through these dream-worlds on a forward-moving "track," but sometimes I would stop in one location and be able to envision a scene in a more fully fleshed-out, complete three-dimensional sense: twisting around all sides of an object, perceiving all at once its impression into the space around it. Some amazing shit indeed; sometimes I didn't even know if my eyes were open or closed- but that didn't really matter...
So I spent about two hours at this level, and decided at one point that now would be a great time to get up and go to the bathroom and take another nice bong rip. My movements in physical reality were definitely slow and meticulous, requiring more focus than normal- although I would say that I did not really feel "intoxicated" as I might on a higher level of alcohol. There was a degree of intoxication I suppose, but it was certainly different than alcohol... To be expected of course. My perception of the "real" world wasn't really distorted at all; I do recall a couple of oddities, but nothing major. I guess stuff just seemed a bit different, but everything was quite intact. I remember looking into the adjacent bedroom from mine and seeing the inside as a sort of "grey haze" for a second, but that was really the most intense OEV effect I noticed throughout the duration of the experience, (assuming my eyes were closed the whole time I was in my bed that is.)
Upon returning to my dark retreat, I began to wonder if now would be a good time to finish off the rest of the second Zimax bottle I had purchased earlier. I figured that I had probably come pretty close to the plataeu of my trip at this point, (T+ ~3hrs.) and pondered just how taking the remaining 195mgs from said bottle would affect the experience. I layed down to really contemplate this idea for a while, and after about 10-20 minutes, I decided that YES- this was a good idea: even if the remaining DXM only prolonged my current peak, I figured that no matter what happened, I would certainly not be disappointed... Boy, was I right about that one.
Dosing complete: 780mgs of DXM HBr now inside of me; ready to kick it into high-gear... One more bong rip... The time is fast-approaching...
I'm in deep now. As the minutes pass on, time becomes more and more meaningless. I'm still aware of my body and environment, but my ego is being stripped away from me at a much more rapid and intense level. My perceptions in the dex-space are becoming more abstract and immersive. I am definitely still awake, but my sense of being in a dream is continuing to increase. At this level, apt description becomes much more difficult: I recall speaking to myself via "mental constructs," that while wholly and cognizantly were myself, seemed to exhibit certain degrees of subjectivity. I was splitting and merging with all sorts of perceptions, and I can only faintly describe some of these mindscapes as existing on such an abstract level, that concepts of time/location didn't really apply. At this point I was existing as bodyless conscious energy: flowing through the infinite plains of a vast network of interdependent systems moving in complete harmony with each other; pulsing through veins of light constantly in motion to create a perpetual state of creation. Then, out of seemingly nowhere- IT happened...
F E A R ... Gripping, deep, and real. In a moment a rising sense of anxiety began to spiral into a pit of the deepest fear I have ever felt. DEATH. I was reminded of my previous meetings with what I believe to have been this same fear, (presented to me on mushrooms before as a nagging sense of uneasiness and anxiety, and once on salvia in much the same manner as on this experience) and entertained the possibility of "aborting" my excursion there and then: Get up, turn on the lights, turn off the music, "ground" yourself in reality, "...smoke some grass- shit, do what you gotta do man!"
I didn't stop here though. I knew that I had been brought back to this point for a reason, and if I tried to back out now- I'd probably spend the next four hours or so scared shitless for no real reason, in a vain attempt to shut out what was going on. NO- this was not to be this trip, not after coming this far. If I backed out now, I might never muster up the courage to come this far again. I knew that everything was really fine: that I was safe and alive in my bed and that the fear I was feeling was just an illusion.
This was it... The REAL deal. Time to trust what I had been led to and let myself go. I realized that this fear was a panic response looping through my awareness brought on by my ego holding on in a desperate attempt to the last strands of control that it had, and that all I had to do to get rid of it was to just let it go. I was being faced with the choice that we are always faced with, but not necessarily forced to work through:
To be controlled by FEAR; or to be guided by LOVE.
And in an instant, as quickly as it had come on, (the whole ordeal probably took place in a span of less than a minute) it was completely gone. This wasn't just some BS mind-trick or something; it was as if an incredible weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The fear wasn't gripping me anymore because I realized that there really was nothing to fear... My sensorium broke down as everything merged more and more into what it really is: ONE. No self, no other, only all. I can really only recall the event-horizon; as there wasn't really anything left of me to remember anything past that point, up until I came out of it a couple of hours or so later...
I returned to my "human perceptual-conduit" at around 7:00am. I was definitely still dexin', but I had come down considerably. I felt a slight sense of nausea, so I decided to head to the bathroom. About a minute later, I had completed the purge. Nice, quick, and easy- done. I felt absolutely wonderful from here on out; deeply humbled and reborn in a sense. My body, mind and spirit all felt charged and fresh. This was a new dawn. I layed back down in my bed and turned off the still-looping "Black Stars" in favor of the peaceful static of my bedside fan. I slowly drifted off into a deep state of relaxation and introspection. WOW... So much to reflect on; what an incredible experience.
Eventually, I drifted peacefully off into the dream-world. I awoke the next day feeling a little fatigued, but great for the most part. The trip was over, but its impression was not to be left behind.
Submitted: June 9th, 2009.
Beware...Be AWARE.
-----
Erowid ID: 79296
Author: Beware...Be AWARE.
Title: Fear and Loving in My Bedsheets
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_dxm
substancecode_dissociatives
explevel_inexperienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
exptype_spiritual
exptype_lifechanging
roacode_oral
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