I've already noticed that the way i type i come across as rather immature which is fine....i also notice that the way i type i seem to come across as a smurf on speed....which i guess is just a type style.....tho the immaturity has been commented on here, not in a nasty way and thanks for the comment btw...also thanks for reading and taking the time to comment as i honestly don't type a blog for the notion that it will be read and enjoyed by others, it's something that i've found to be quite therapeutic and when i've analysed this i think that perhaps it may be down to spending a period of time a day where my thought pattern is not so 'oh woe is me life is shit and always will be' as i don't type like that.
about my diagnosis.....when ,my doctor diagnosed me i had already heard the term 'borderline personality disorder' and it had stuck out in a movie i watched called 'thoroughbreds'....very good movie....anyway i have always felt something 'amiss' about me but could not put my finger on what it is / was but i'd been 'depressed' for longer than i could remember and the prozac from my doctor did jack-shit.....a few months ago i sat down with my doctor and said that there has got to be something wrong with me as it's not normal for me to be like this....she listenned to me for as long as she could and said that it sounded like i had a 'personality disorder'....we made another appt and in the meantime i google 'personality disorder' and to my surprise there are 10!.....so i look at all 10 and their symproms and feel that the pschizoid and the borderline seemed to apply mostly to me....most of the others i could easily rule right out......on my next appt with my doctor i can tell she is leaning mostly towards a borderline diagnosis....in hindsight this would be because of where i live....they don't have personality disorders in Cornwall....if i lived where i used to, in Surrey....they would have lots of treatment centres there and specialists in the field as there's alot of funding there but Cornwall is mostly forgotten about and left alone so the locals can inter-breed without interuption....but those from 'up-country' who decide (quite poorly) to come down here and set up house and home have to put up with the fact that for a doctor to diagnose a personality disorder in Cornwall it's kinda like finding water on the moon....it doesn't happen....and from what my doctor had also said ....she wasn't even sure whether there was a 'personality disorder' treatment centre round here or not....but i'm guessing 'not' as nothing has arrived from any 'treatment centre'...also from what i've learnt from various snippets of information on personality disorders is that 'Borderline' is the most common....this would make sense then that my doctor would group me into that although i do relate alot to pschizoid personality disorder so if it were ME diagnosing MYSELF i would say Borderline with pschizoid tendencies or vice versa...that would be down to the 'getting no joy out of life' and various other stoic seeming traits of the pschitzoid type <<notice how i keep trying to spell that and i know i keep doing it incorrectly as my PC underlines it in red.....wtf...who cares...any way ...pschitzoid ? nope...do i don't i google...i do...schizoid there...now i could go back and delete all my spelling errors in an attempt to appear better at grammar and dpelling than i am...but i won't...it is not important...and neither is my reasoning of its importance and neither is this.....point i'm making i guess...ohh...that's another thing just to add...again thanks 'g' for your comment and kind words....i don't allow my diagnosis to define me as such....but when it was first 'diagnosed'...and we're talking...well really when i re-joined BL and took on this daft fucking user name....'impulsivity' see!!...another 'trait' of BPD.....i have to say that it was a relief to have a diagnosis and to know that i wasn't the only person to behave the way that i do...however i gotta say some depictions of BPD in some movies are totally cringeworthy and 'Welcome to Me' being one of them....also one thing i have never done is to 'cling' onto people...or behaved in a desperate way to keep someone with me.....the very notion is desperate and depraved and never have i allowed myself to degrade myself in that manner.....nor do i need constant reassurances off people....and i have never bombarded people with calls and such in a desperate attempt to know that things are 'OK' as i see often depicted in movies and then there is that book entitled 'I hate you....don't leave me'......years ago in my first serious relationship.....i could tell the guy was becomming distant so, despite wanting to be able to sort things out....i did move back in with my Mum....he changed his mind and wanted me back but i decided i'd go to Goa by myself on a one way ticket....i never told him to follow me....which is exactly what he did do...anyway thats another story in itself......but that part of BPD is not a part that relates to me and quite frankly i like my own company....i don't need people....i don't particularly want people....but i don't want to be part of upsetting people either....like walking into my doctors and calling them all useless fucking cunts.....i still feel deeply ashamed of that even now.....i kinda feel like i'm waiting for help and i wish i knew how to help myself or had the tools to commit to something that is going to help me....oh fuck a doodle doo
.....BUT i do have that appointment with a psychiatrist 18th december so i do have hope still....but i feel rather dejected because usually you get a diagnosis and then there is 'treatment'.....but i've been diagnosed and seemingly cast aside.....i get that my doctor doesn't want to do more harm than good so she's reluctant to prescribe anything on top of the diazepam she already prescribes me.....but i guess i should be grateful that she acually prescribes me that.....thing is with other 'disorders' ...they are 'treated' with mediaction to help alleviate the symptoms meaning the individual can still live an acceptable life but my quality of life is at zero and minus and i look round at my kids and feel i should be the happiest person on the planet.....how lucky am i!??!....and that just makes me feel even more of a failure and at a loss...even with this appointment with the psychiatrist i'm not getting any hopes up as look at the disaster with the fat fuck therapist.
i did google the name of the psychiatrist yesterday though and was expecting to see an asian looking chap as the name seems to suggest so....'Alje'....thats his first name....anyway he isn't an asian looking chap...i guess the name is more a Nordic type name as he has 'Kristoph' features from Frozen......i wonder if it was his idea to meet with me after the fat fuck dismissed me....i think too much
so i think i'll get onto my day of nothingness
about my diagnosis.....when ,my doctor diagnosed me i had already heard the term 'borderline personality disorder' and it had stuck out in a movie i watched called 'thoroughbreds'....very good movie....anyway i have always felt something 'amiss' about me but could not put my finger on what it is / was but i'd been 'depressed' for longer than i could remember and the prozac from my doctor did jack-shit.....a few months ago i sat down with my doctor and said that there has got to be something wrong with me as it's not normal for me to be like this....she listenned to me for as long as she could and said that it sounded like i had a 'personality disorder'....we made another appt and in the meantime i google 'personality disorder' and to my surprise there are 10!.....so i look at all 10 and their symproms and feel that the pschizoid and the borderline seemed to apply mostly to me....most of the others i could easily rule right out......on my next appt with my doctor i can tell she is leaning mostly towards a borderline diagnosis....in hindsight this would be because of where i live....they don't have personality disorders in Cornwall....if i lived where i used to, in Surrey....they would have lots of treatment centres there and specialists in the field as there's alot of funding there but Cornwall is mostly forgotten about and left alone so the locals can inter-breed without interuption....but those from 'up-country' who decide (quite poorly) to come down here and set up house and home have to put up with the fact that for a doctor to diagnose a personality disorder in Cornwall it's kinda like finding water on the moon....it doesn't happen....and from what my doctor had also said ....she wasn't even sure whether there was a 'personality disorder' treatment centre round here or not....but i'm guessing 'not' as nothing has arrived from any 'treatment centre'...also from what i've learnt from various snippets of information on personality disorders is that 'Borderline' is the most common....this would make sense then that my doctor would group me into that although i do relate alot to pschizoid personality disorder so if it were ME diagnosing MYSELF i would say Borderline with pschizoid tendencies or vice versa...that would be down to the 'getting no joy out of life' and various other stoic seeming traits of the pschitzoid type <<notice how i keep trying to spell that and i know i keep doing it incorrectly as my PC underlines it in red.....wtf...who cares...any way ...pschitzoid ? nope...do i don't i google...i do...schizoid there...now i could go back and delete all my spelling errors in an attempt to appear better at grammar and dpelling than i am...but i won't...it is not important...and neither is my reasoning of its importance and neither is this.....point i'm making i guess...ohh...that's another thing just to add...again thanks 'g' for your comment and kind words....i don't allow my diagnosis to define me as such....but when it was first 'diagnosed'...and we're talking...well really when i re-joined BL and took on this daft fucking user name....'impulsivity' see!!...another 'trait' of BPD.....i have to say that it was a relief to have a diagnosis and to know that i wasn't the only person to behave the way that i do...however i gotta say some depictions of BPD in some movies are totally cringeworthy and 'Welcome to Me' being one of them....also one thing i have never done is to 'cling' onto people...or behaved in a desperate way to keep someone with me.....the very notion is desperate and depraved and never have i allowed myself to degrade myself in that manner.....nor do i need constant reassurances off people....and i have never bombarded people with calls and such in a desperate attempt to know that things are 'OK' as i see often depicted in movies and then there is that book entitled 'I hate you....don't leave me'......years ago in my first serious relationship.....i could tell the guy was becomming distant so, despite wanting to be able to sort things out....i did move back in with my Mum....he changed his mind and wanted me back but i decided i'd go to Goa by myself on a one way ticket....i never told him to follow me....which is exactly what he did do...anyway thats another story in itself......but that part of BPD is not a part that relates to me and quite frankly i like my own company....i don't need people....i don't particularly want people....but i don't want to be part of upsetting people either....like walking into my doctors and calling them all useless fucking cunts.....i still feel deeply ashamed of that even now.....i kinda feel like i'm waiting for help and i wish i knew how to help myself or had the tools to commit to something that is going to help me....oh fuck a doodle doo
.....BUT i do have that appointment with a psychiatrist 18th december so i do have hope still....but i feel rather dejected because usually you get a diagnosis and then there is 'treatment'.....but i've been diagnosed and seemingly cast aside.....i get that my doctor doesn't want to do more harm than good so she's reluctant to prescribe anything on top of the diazepam she already prescribes me.....but i guess i should be grateful that she acually prescribes me that.....thing is with other 'disorders' ...they are 'treated' with mediaction to help alleviate the symptoms meaning the individual can still live an acceptable life but my quality of life is at zero and minus and i look round at my kids and feel i should be the happiest person on the planet.....how lucky am i!??!....and that just makes me feel even more of a failure and at a loss...even with this appointment with the psychiatrist i'm not getting any hopes up as look at the disaster with the fat fuck therapist.
i did google the name of the psychiatrist yesterday though and was expecting to see an asian looking chap as the name seems to suggest so....'Alje'....thats his first name....anyway he isn't an asian looking chap...i guess the name is more a Nordic type name as he has 'Kristoph' features from Frozen......i wonder if it was his idea to meet with me after the fat fuck dismissed me....i think too much
so i think i'll get onto my day of nothingness
