Dull

[Prolapstriumph]

Once Throbbing and Valiant

(After reviewing this for the first time in ages, I noticed it'd sound better like this than as separate stanzas.....then I shuddered at how melodramatically angst ridden with young love I was a few years ago!)

"Once Throbbing and Valiant"

The gods, they offer servitude pain
a searing red tight-rope, this accursed love
whilst whetting the razor of iron disdain
abused to the essence, a one-winged dove
this contact akin to an approaching train
so spit as i teeter, and fall from above
now bound to the tracks and screaming in vain
vanquish my memory, "the diary of".....
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ORIGINAL:
________
"Dull"
The gods, they offer servitude pain,
whetting the razor of iron disdain,
this contact akin to an approaching train,
bound to the tracks and screaming in vain.

Once throbbing and valiant, accursed love
abused to the essence, a one-winged dove
spit as i teeter, and fall from above
vanquish my memory, "the diary of".....

---wow sleep deprivation'll fuck a man up! i dont remember writing or posting this------

 

[RareForm]

a madman? just kidding...i'm loving this piece...

Great Job!

 

[Prolapstriumph]

bump

 

[Prolapstriumph]

bumpskidoodle

 

[(Wordy)]

Interesting the way you've reworked this... shifting lines around can be a useful experiment.

I definitely think it words better with the ABAB rhyme scheme - AAAA can be a bit rich! I think the images and meaning unravel better this way too - less predictable, more mysterious and unsettling.

I love these phrases: "searing red tight-rope", "whetting the razor" and "a one-winged dove".