Drugs - my best friend.

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Thanks for the replies.

I definitely feel like my own worst enemy. And you're right - to be a good friend i need to be my friend first. I treat myself pretty well relative to others, but fail to take precautions and don't really, truly, give a fuck what happens in my life. I made this thread, curious about how other people live.

I went from college graduate working at a bank to homeless felon in about 6 months, and currently just slammed some crack right after my drug test. Could get tested tomorrow already diluted 4. When I go to court at the end of the month I may be going to rehab if not jail.

Makes me want to go out with a bang. Not suicide, everything bang related but.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Welp, my coke binge that started last night just ended. Hopefully I don't get tested. I faced the majority of an 8 ball but got rid of the last gram. Sucks that I won't know how many tests I failed until August 27th. They could just throw the book at me.

 

[sonicwhite]

I'm sorry man....I know it's hard.Sometimes the worst circumstances can be the biggest blessings if you allow and see them as growth....You're in my prayers.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I'm sorry man....I know it's hard.Sometimes the worst circumstances can be the biggest blessings if you allow and see them as growth....You're in my prayers.

Thanks man.

Couple of questions. Do you love what you will be doing enough so you would do it sober? When was the last time you put 6 months without any stimulants use?

I'm not sure i'm all that passionate about anything, really. I went without drugs for 6 months i think in college aside from weed one time.

Will Aderall type stimulation be enough or you just have to have that meth high?

I could live with adderall. I don't even think i'd use street drugs if i were on it. On second thought, that's a lie. I'm always trying to push the limit.

Again, would Aderall type stimulation with combination of doing something you love be enough?

What i love is women and numbers. I need to wait until my case gets dismissed to get back into my field though. I may learn to love it.. who knows.

I am not judging, I am just interested. If you trully can do what you love, job wise, are you willing to put up with the torture of cravings for 6 months to one year?

I think i could do it, if i really did love it. Just like i think i could stop using for a family, if i really did love them.

It all depends how much traumatic you find life without meth and crack/ IV coke.

Not so much traumatic, just Strongly prefer to use. So i guess i see what you're saying now.

 

[leet]

I got no words of wisdom, I'm just on your side

 

[Xorkoth]

You know, when I beat opiate addiction years ago, a lot of people told me I was crazy to not be sober, and keep using drugs. And to be honest, I do struggle with where the line is. But ultimately, there are good things drugs bring to my life (especially psychedelics, but also more damaging ones, at least sometimes). I don't see myself ever quitting drugs entirely. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I will say that I find myself slipping into much more destructive patterns whenever I feel like I am not fulfilled with my life outside of drugs. I think it's so important for you to identify things in your life that you love doing, and fill your time with those things. For me it's primarily playing music, there is nothing more fulfilling in the world than being an active musician, so I've joined 2 bands and I'm spending most every weekend traveling around playing, making friends and connections, having the time of my fucking life (of course I had to work up to that, I've been working at it for 5 years now, it didn't happen overnight). It probably isn't music for you, but it's probably something. Whatever it is, you gotta find the thing(s) in your life that make you happier than drugs. And that doesn't mean you need to quit drugs, but I find that when I'm satisfied with my life, the drugs are much less likely to become destructive and are instead something life-affirming or at least just fun and not damaging.

In general in life, when you're doing what makes you happy, everything else will fall into place.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I was section leader of the drum line in high school, so I like music too.

But I don't play anymore. Like I said, the only thing I love are women and numbers, so once my case gets dismissed I can go back into finance and wife up. But I won't even make it there at this rate. I have pretty much accepted that I'm going to rehab or jail.

If I wasn't being drug tested I honestly would have never made this thread. But I hear you and appreciate your reply.

 

[leet]

I'm going to rehab or jail.

Fuck man how long is this shit?

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

I'll see on the 27th but there's no way in fuck I passed all my tests. Rehab probably a month, jail probably a year. I have a suspended sentence so if she changes it to guilty it will be at least one year for assault with a dangerous + threat to commit.

 

[leet]

fuck

 

[mal3volent]

Madness no matter what happens you have all of us here. Not much, but better than nothing. You are a strong and resilient dude... you will get through this shit.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Thank you.

I just caved, over drew my bank account and got another ball.

I am coming to terms with my fate.

 

[Mafioso]

Damn man, sounds like a tough situation you have gotten yourself into. I put myself in a similar place last year when I had an open case for 1 felony drug charge and 2 misdemeanors. I had already served about 2 months and was let out on bail, and after about a year of court every month, my lawyer managed to get all but 1 misdemeanor dropped, and my sentence reduced to where I could serve the last month on either volunteer work program or house arrest. But because of my anxiety disorder, my substance use disorder which I've used to manage my anxiety disorder in the past, and the fact that it was a very stressful time for me- I couldn't(or didn't) stay sober. So because of a failed drug test, I ended up having to turn myself in and serve the last 60 days of my sentence.

The hardest part for me was to find it within me to give a shit after I knew I had already fucked myself. I had started smoking weed again on the daily about 8 months after getting out, and started popping pills sporadically as well. I had known pretty well in advanced that I wasn't going to pass the drug test, and it took all of my focus on a daily to not just say fuck it and give in to all my drug urges. When I got down to the last month before I had to turn myself in, instead of binging and having that ever so romanticized "farewell" like I wanted, I decided to do the smart thing and taper off all drugs(benzos and weed) so I wouldn't be withdrawing in jail. And fuck was I glad that I did that- when I was being processed, they put me in a holding cell for ~6hrs and one of the dudes in there was curled in a ball on the cold concrete floor in the midst of dope WD. Felt good to be able to at least have the wherewithall to talk to him and try to give him a little comfort, offer toilet paper as tissues... it's those little moments of human connection that really keep you going when your in there. The isolation in general, but specifically from all those you know and love can be trying. It's not an experience I aim to repeat, but there were cool aspects of it- mostly just the fact that I find it fascinating to meet crazy people and got a rush out of playing chess with known killers.

Fighting the boredom is the hardest part.. I was fortunate enough to have family on the outside who supported me, and I was able to make a list of books that I wanted to read prior to getting locked up. I love music, so I made sure to brush up on music theory so when I was in my cell alone with only a paper and pencil I could still review and study scales, modes, and chord theory. I spent a lot of time before hand learning different yoga posses and different meditation techniques. When I finally did have to turn myself in, it was still anxiety ridden process, but I felt a lot more confident in my ability to do my time.

I'd strongly suggest doing something similar... don't get so down on yourself and let your past mistakes hold you back from pursuing your goals and creating a better future for yourself. Start making a list of books you want to read, even go as far as designing your own curriculum if you are going to be spending a year or more possibly. Find books applicable to your coursework/field of study(finance). then start with basic material(or material you comfortable learning) and progress to more complex concepts and things you'd like to eventually learn. Maybe look at the classes you plan on taking or have taken and make a list of those books or similar books for review and then progression.

I know it's really hard to not feel like it's the end of the world, or at least the end until you get past this, but if you can make it past that mental block, you dont have to wait until your done with all this BS to start working on your future. You can start today, and continue working on it while your locked up. Nothing can stop you if you don't let it. You'll constantly run into obstacles, the challenge is finding a way to get around them. Not saying what you are up against is easy- i'd be shitting myself probably, but if you approach this with confidence and hope vs fear and pessimism, you'll have completely different outcomes.

Don't give up... start working on your future today. The work can just be getting your substance use disorder under control. Start going to meetings, get that shit signed, start seeing a drug counselor, therapist, etc. and keep proof, then when you go back to the judge you have evidence that you are working to improve your life, and you don't need to rely solely on the judges Get a sponsor and sober friends, people who can vouch for you if you need letters of character reference. Plead with the judge to give you rehab, and have work that gives the judge confidence that rehab will work for you this time. Reform yourself so the judge has reason to consider not throwing the book at you.

This is your battle, and you must fight. Stay strong and eventually you'll come out on top, with all this shit behind you and you'll be a much stronger person for overcomming it all. Giving up is the only true way to fail.

 

[mal3volent]

Damn man, sounds like a tough situation you have gotten yourself into. I put myself in a similar place last year when I had an open case for 1 felony drug charge and 2 misdemeanors. I had already served about 2 months and was let out on bail, and after about a year of court every month, my lawyer managed to get all but 1 misdemeanor dropped, and my sentence reduced to where I could serve the last month on either volunteer work program or house arrest. But because of my anxiety disorder, my substance use disorder which I've used to manage my anxiety disorder in the past, and the fact that it was a very stressful time for me- I couldn't(or didn't) stay sober. So because of a failed drug test, I ended up having to turn myself in and serve the last 60 days of my sentence.

The hardest part for me was to find it within me to give a shit after I knew I had already fucked myself. I had started smoking weed again on the daily about 8 months after getting out, and started popping pills sporadically as well. I had known pretty well in advanced that I wasn't going to pass the drug test, and it took all of my focus on a daily to not just say fuck it and give in to all my drug urges. When I got down to the last month before I had to turn myself in, instead of binging and having that ever so romanticized "farewell" like I wanted, I decided to do the smart thing and taper off all drugs(benzos and weed) so I wouldn't be withdrawing in jail. And fuck was I glad that I did that- when I was being processed, they put me in a holding cell for ~6hrs and one of the dudes in there was curled in a ball on the cold concrete floor in the midst of dope WD. Felt good to be able to at least have the wherewithall to talk to him and try to give him a little comfort, offer toilet paper as tissues... it's those little moments of human connection that really keep you going when your in there. The isolation in general, but specifically from all those you know and love can be trying. It's not an experience I aim to repeat, but there were cool aspects of it- mostly just the fact that I find it fascinating to meet crazy people and got a rush out of playing chess with known killers.

Fighting the boredom is the hardest part.. I was fortunate enough to have family on the outside who supported me, and I was able to make a list of books that I wanted to read prior to getting locked up. I love music, so I made sure to brush up on music theory so when I was in my cell alone with only a paper and pencil I could still review and study scales, modes, and chord theory. I spent a lot of time before hand learning different yoga posses and different meditation techniques. When I finally did have to turn myself in, it was still anxiety ridden process, but I felt a lot more confident in my ability to do my time.

I'd strongly suggest doing something similar... don't get so down on yourself and let your past mistakes hold you back from pursuing your goals and creating a better future for yourself. Start making a list of books you want to read, even go as far as designing your own curriculum if you are going to be spending a year or more possibly. Find books applicable to your coursework/field of study(finance). then start with basic material(or material you comfortable learning) and progress to more complex concepts and things you'd like to eventually learn. Maybe look at the classes you plan on taking or have taken and make a list of those books or similar books for review and then progression.

I know it's really hard to not feel like it's the end of the world, or at least the end until you get past this, but if you can make it past that mental block, you dont have to wait until your done with all this BS to start working on your future. You can start today, and continue working on it while your locked up. Nothing can stop you if you don't let it. You'll constantly run into obstacles, the challenge is finding a way to get around them. Not saying what you are up against is easy- i'd be shitting myself probably, but if you approach this with confidence and hope vs fear and pessimism, you'll have completely different outcomes.

Don't give up... start working on your future today. The work can just be getting your substance use disorder under control. Start going to meetings, get that shit signed, start seeing a drug counselor, therapist, etc. and keep proof, then when you go back to the judge you have evidence that you are working to improve your life, and you don't need to rely solely on the judges Get a sponsor and sober friends, people who can vouch for you if you need letters of character reference. Plead with the judge to give you rehab, and have work that gives the judge confidence that rehab will work for you this time. Reform yourself so the judge has reason to consider not throwing the book at you.

This is your battle, and you must fight. Stay strong and eventually you'll come out on top, with all this shit behind you and you'll be a much stronger person for overcomming it all. Giving up is the only true way to fail.

Wow...well said man. You're very articulate.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

@Mafioso - Thanks for the reply. I can relate.

It sounds like you enjoy the challenge of being put in a new situation and having to sort of.. fight your way back to the top. Do you get a sort of rush from living on the edge? IDK if you have watched It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but Frank, AKA Danny DeVito, is a rich business man who chooses to dumpster dive, hang out with the fringe parts of society, and otherwise just act like an asshole. Not to say I want to live like that forever, as you said, but it is sort of fun in its own right, IMO.

But yeah, my plan was to go back into finance after probation, so that may get pushed out a bit, and maybe I won't even be able to get into that field any longer, but hey.. as Everlast put it:

"I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between

I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green"

Anyway, i'm going to reread your reply when i'm sober and really try to let the whole, get ready for your future sink in.

I appreciate it man.

 

[Mafioso]

It sounds like you enjoy the challenge of being put in a new situation and having to sort of.. fight your way back to the top. Do you get a sort of rush from living on the edge?

I do. I've always had a feeling it had something to do with childhood trauma, in which I often feared for my life at the hands on ones supposed to protect and comfort. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm drawn to adrenaline and danger. When I sold drugs, I loved the risk of riding dirty knowing there was no room for error. The fast money was nice for sure, but I think I was more drawn to taking huge risks on the daily.. it just seemed to fit my personality. I'm realizing there are much healthier ways to get these kinds of rushes, and there's plenty of legal business that is still risky.

Another part of it is has to do with the fact that I always considered myself a coward growing up, so when I'm able to overcome my fear and accomplish things I had believed were out of my range, I get super charged up... it becomes addicting.

IDK if you have watched It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but Frank, AKA Danny DeVito, is a rich business man who chooses to dumpster dive, hang out with the fringe parts of society, and otherwise just act like an asshole. Not to say I want to live like that forever, as you said, but it is sort of fun in its own right, IMO.

I don't care to go back to popping pills all day every day, as I see now how problematic it inevitably becomes, but I still love the drug/party culture- in moderation at least. I know that's probably somewhat controversial for someone who considers himself in recovery, and maybe it is problematic/hypocritical of me. Truth is, not everyone who drinks or uses drugs are addicts/have a substance use disorder, in fact it tends to be a smaller percentage that meet the criteria to be diagnosed with a substance use disorder. I'd advise going at least a year or two sober, or at least abstaining from harder drugs and daily drug use even if moderate. This sort of forces you to develop healthy coping habits and lifestyle then it's far less risky to attempt to use in moderation.

But yeah, my plan was to go back into finance after probation, so that may get pushed out a bit, and maybe I won't even be able to get into that field any longer

If not being able to get back into that field is real possibility, I'd suggest calling around with potential future employers, explaining yoru situation and asking if it'd be problematic. If they all say yes, then perhaps its' time to look for a way to pivot your career path, hopefully you can find something that parallels the needed skill set yet your past record won't be a problem.

One only truly fails when one stops trying. Stay strong. Start building your future now.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Helllooooo - by the way, completely sober. And if you don't like pity parties, exit now.

I wanted to post this publicly, as opposed to staff only, to see if any of our active members can relate.

I've talk about my past to some members here, and it's quite chaotic and funny, but let's start with the present. On probation with a violation, and tempted fate on random drug testing for the fifth time last night. Diluted several samples, so we'll see what the judge says in regards to jail or rehab. I recognize that I have a lot of potential, and get this.. my therapist even said, "madness00, if you can abstain from using until you get back into your field and your case blows over, you will be well off and able to use in 'socially acceptable' ways". Even SHE recognizes I really, sorta, need drugs.

So this is what I learned about myself from experience and two years of court ordered therapy:

I try really hard to fit in. But in reality, I think my honest self is off putting to both myself and others (and don't challenge me on this, please. Just listen). My life, outside of this forum, is void of any close bonds. I have the desire to be loved, but my idea of loving someone back is for the most part, conditional. Do I adapt, and live an unreal life? Or stay a non threat to society, in a drug den, where I can feel everything I want to feel, slammed into my arm, and masturbate allllllll day.

As time goes on, isolation and other emotional pains gain traction, and my desire to act out in socially unacceptable ways increases. I know.. it sounds backwards. Most people, with age, find what they're looking for yada yada I don't even know but for me, it is just getting harder and harder to fit in, as I climb up only to fall back down, time after time, due to haphazard incidents that are really, for me, unavoidable. Because, it takes a lot for me to actually recognize that i'm fucked. So I end up making decisions to do things that are risky and I go above and beyond what most others would call "acceptable", in regards to social norms.

I have posted in TPH, MH, and.. somewhere else IIRC, but wanted to see if anyone on THE DARK SIDE could relate.

That's enough for now.

But yeah, life without drugs is like having restless leg syndrome in my head all day long.

Good night everyone.

A million hugs, madness.

I can relate to the behavior thing. My parents have plenty of money for whatever I need but I shoplift all the time. Alcohol, candy, nicotine products, clothes, books.
I've even been out of control enough that if I'm really attracted to someone I see, or even a whole group of mates, I just go up and offer them oral sex or whatever.
My actions in public are just becoming bizarre in general, from dressing inappropriately to having intensely personal conversations with strangers.
I think I've been spending all my times online with other drug people or people who have the same very very unconventional, taboo or delusional beliefs I do that I can no longer tell what is or isn't deemed acceptable or sane by society. I also happen to not give a fuck.
Lately, I find myself going out for long walks in my underwear in the middle of the night. It's so beautiful and peaceful and I never feel any sense of dangerous (probably due to opiates and mood elevators).
Meanwhile the list of things I do that I could go to jail for keeps on increasing. Any moral compass I once had no longer exists.

I get drugs being necessary. I 100% need all of mine to get by in life. I always end up hospitalized for either suicidal depression or sectioned for psychosis/mental breakdown without them.

Hope this make sense and you can at least somewhat relate.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

I'm not going to challenge it, I'm just going to put it in context. Maybe some aspects of your personality are off putting. Okay...well in my opinion...everyone has aspects of their personality that is off putting.

For example, back when I had a lot of friends, my cloud of anxiety and depression would creep over me and I'd have to be by myself for a few days or however long it lasted. I wouldn't have contact with them, or anyone, until it was over. Needless to say this was corrosive to all my relationships and eventually I lost them. It's also the reason I can't keep any romantic relationship. I'm chronically sad and weird, and people just don't want to be around that.

So whenever I'm up to it again, I'm going to start doing the things I had success with before. Maybe it's not my "honest self" but it's what I need to do to get by. I'd be willing to bet that no one reading this thread would say they've never had to fake it til they make it, which is essentially what I'm getting at.

I'm going to try to wean myself off alcohol and benzos long enough that I can get my life back in order. Then when I do, I'm going to have a plan in place so that I won't ever let shit spin out of control like this again. I might try therapy again. Who knows?

Maybe somewhere along the way I will find the strength to want to be sober permanently. If that happens, great...but I'm not counting on it. Because like you said, those are feelings that I need and I can't imagine ever not needing them to some degree.

As far as the risky behavior goes, I don't have a good answer for that. I've engaged in a lot of risky behavior over the years, especially in regards to sex, driving under the influence, and some other things. But I'm pretty much agoraphobic now and have been at other times throughout my life.

Hopefully these are simply stages in our lives and there are better ones to be had right around the corner.

Someday you'll meet someone who loves all the things about you that you think are off-putting. I once let my soulmate see all the parts of me that aren't all that pretty - the one's I hide from everybody because they show the horrible fucking monster I really am inside - and he said he loved me because of my flaws, not in spite of them

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Yeah @ChemicallyEnhanced - my parents have money too, and raised me right, but i'm still such a fuck up.

Not even saying it's bad that i'm a "fuck up", like me and @Mafioso are saying, it's kind of exciting to live like this.

They just want to know that i'm happy, and for the most part I am. Now that i'm stable on Bipolar meds, i'm happy rolling in my own shit.

TBH, all this said, the main reason why I want a good job again is so I can use meth.

It's not that I can't live without drugs.. I've gone sober for 6 month periods.. I just really prefer not to.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Yeah @ChemicallyEnhanced - my parents have money too, and raised me right, but i'm still such a fuck up.

Not even saying it's bad that i'm a "fuck up", like me and @Mafioso are saying, it's kind of exciting to live like this.

They just want to know that i'm happy, and for the most part I am. Now that i'm stable on Bipolar meds, i'm happy rolling in my own shit.

TBH, all this said, the main reason why I want a good job again is so I can use meth.

It's not that I can't live without drugs.. I've gone sober for 6 month periods.. I just really prefer not to.

Back when I only drank and never did any drug (never even weed, none) I'd stay in hospital for a one-week detox and I'd usually be sober for 8-12 weeks but after that I'd repeatedly relapse again. For the last several years, though, I've never even made it to 48 hours sober.

I can't live the way society expects; I just can't. It isn't me. I always need to be doing something "bad" secretly too. Be it bulimia, alcohol, opioids, promiscuity, shoplifting, etc. I'm only not a sociopath because I DO have empathy and a range of strong emotions, I am very very capable of love, and I'd never ever ever hurt an animal.

I consider myself a moral and existential nihilist. It seems as close as it gets to describing it. It's not perfect, but it's close.