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Drugs - my best friend.

mtu mwendawazimu

mtu mwendawazimu

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
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Helllooooo - by the way, completely sober. And if you don't like pity parties, exit now.

I wanted to post this publicly, as opposed to staff only, to see if any of our active members can relate.

I've talk about my past to some members here, and it's quite chaotic and funny, but let's start with the present. On probation with a violation, and tempted fate on random drug testing for the fifth time last night. Diluted several samples, so we'll see what the judge says in regards to jail or rehab. I recognize that I have a lot of potential, and get this.. my therapist even said, "madness00, if you can abstain from using until you get back into your field and your case blows over, you will be well off and able to use in 'socially acceptable' ways". Even SHE recognizes I really, sorta, need drugs.

So this is what I learned about myself from experience and two years of court ordered therapy:

I try really hard to fit in. But in reality, I think my honest self is off putting to both myself and others (and don't challenge me on this, please. Just listen). My life, outside of this forum, is void of any close bonds. I have the desire to be loved, but my idea of loving someone back is for the most part, conditional. Do I adapt, and live an unreal life? Or stay a non threat to society, in a drug den, where I can feel everything I want to feel, slammed into my arm, and masturbate allllllll day.

As time goes on, isolation and other emotional pains gain traction, and my desire to act out in socially unacceptable ways increases. I know.. it sounds backwards. Most people, with age, find what they're looking for yada yada I don't even know but for me, it is just getting harder and harder to fit in, as I climb up only to fall back down, time after time, due to haphazard incidents that are really, for me, unavoidable. Because, it takes a lot for me to actually recognize that i'm fucked. So I end up making decisions to do things that are risky and I go above and beyond what most others would call "acceptable", in regards to social norms.

I have posted in TPH, MH, and.. somewhere else IIRC, but wanted to see if anyone on THE DARK SIDE could relate.

That's enough for now.

But yeah, life without drugs is like having restless leg syndrome in my head all day long.

Good night everyone.
 
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madness00 said:
I try really hard to fit in. But in reality, I think my honest self is off putting to both myself and others (and don't challenge me on this, please. Just listen).
Click to expand...

I'm not going to challenge it, I'm just going to put it in context. Maybe some aspects of your personality are off putting. Okay...well in my opinion...everyone has aspects of their personality that is off putting.

For example, back when I had a lot of friends, my cloud of anxiety and depression would creep over me and I'd have to be by myself for a few days or however long it lasted. I wouldn't have contact with them, or anyone, until it was over. Needless to say this was corrosive to all my relationships and eventually I lost them. It's also the reason I can't keep any romantic relationship. I'm chronically sad and weird, and people just don't want to be around that.

So whenever I'm up to it again, I'm going to start doing the things I had success with before. Maybe it's not my "honest self" but it's what I need to do to get by. I'd be willing to bet that no one reading this thread would say they've never had to fake it til they make it, which is essentially what I'm getting at.

I'm going to try to wean myself off alcohol and benzos long enough that I can get my life back in order. Then when I do, I'm going to have a plan in place so that I won't ever let shit spin out of control like this again. I might try therapy again. Who knows?

Maybe somewhere along the way I will find the strength to want to be sober permanently. If that happens, great...but I'm not counting on it. Because like you said, those are feelings that I need and I can't imagine ever not needing them to some degree.

As far as the risky behavior goes, I don't have a good answer for that. I've engaged in a lot of risky behavior over the years, especially in regards to sex, driving under the influence, and some other things. But I'm pretty much agoraphobic now and have been at other times throughout my life.

Hopefully these are simply stages in our lives and there are better ones to be had right around the corner.
 
Yeah. I hope that in being sober i can find things that i enjoy. Something that can hold my interest. Something i can learn to love.
 
if u want to find things that u enjoy

learn to make $ birdie, from there u will get what its called life

and then you will have friends and from those you will only select those you can call brothers

end of the story

*metal piano playin in the background*
 
Hi Shady,

Yes, once my case is dismissed i will be making more money. I like money.. so you have a good point.

I don't think i'll just magically have friends, though. Like i said, i don't really bond with people, and i am poor at maintaining relationships.

I think i was destine to live in a drug den. Maybe have a maid, too, to suck me off.
 
srry to cut you off the fence but its no ones fault if u are caught with the dick in someone mouth

what u need to understand its that this is the only thing u need to fix in order to fix ur life
 
I slipped up again a couple nights ago but lucky haven't had a test. Im increasing my lamictal from 300 to 400 so hopefully it'll bring me some self control.

I just feel like my drug problem will never go away because of my personality. Let alone bipolar.
 
Yeah I mean I don't have a great answer because I feel that way too sometimes. How can I be who I am with the problems I have and not use drugs or alcohol? If someone gave me a bunch of money and a new life somewhere maybe I could but even then I doubt it. The things in my head are in there for good, and they go with me everywhere.

At the same time I have this picture of myself in five years where I'm successful and doing something interesting. Going to bed, sleeping well, and not dreading waking up.
 
Yeah I have that vision too. I always say i'll stop if i have a family of my own.

As i age, i'm sure the simple life will be more appealing than living in chaos.
 
be strong man! if I remember right weren't you into meth? if you got mental health issues, I don't know if those and meth can result in a socialy acceptable use. it's not even about the fact that society accepts it or not, it's more about your sanity.

and the isolation doesn't help either. I'm like you in the isolation case, beside getting this job, and meeting some girls these 2 months, I barely had any human interaction this year, at the beginning of the year as I moved to a new city I interacted with a normal amount of people until I dumped them all as I always do and I found myself alone, again, blewing my opioid tolerance out of proportion and smoking weed till I'm in an anxious state and I want to isolate myself even more. I always loved to be alone, but as more time passes by I think I reach the conclusion that all this isolation is doing damage to my mental health. I swear that I love to be alone but in some cases it makes me depressed for sure, I start to realize some things and how to balance out things slowly so maybe I'll improve it.

I've read lots of your posts and I wish you all the best, let's hope you beat this case! if not, well you'll have lots of time to write some of those lyrics in jail and maybe we'll do a group M&M aka madness&morpheus and get sued by M&M dissed by eminem
 
Yeah my DOC is meth but I've been smoking crack here and there since it's the only thing out here and my Tina connect moved to NYC.

I too like to genuinely be alone a lot. I even do my drugs alone preferably. But I wish someone had my back, like a girl, because I sure don't have my own. I need a hot momma with a PHAT ASS.
 
There was a time when I could not imagine life without drinking & drugging. Alcohol turned out to be the hardest nut to crack.
I loved drinking whilst driving. Not the driving around drunk, but drinking cold beers whilst driving. We smashed our cars, drunk.
Damn it was hard to get out from under alcohol.
It took me two loooong years before I began to cherish sobriety.
Now I love it. For me it was worth it. That struggle, it was like a life-or-death thing. Like a fight to the death.

It's not wise to have many friends - you have to be friendly to them all (Solomon)
 
I have never befriended drugs but have had buddies from online if it counts. I removed myself from the situation of the drug-addled hoopla. Lonliness wont get me if tripping up on my own sword doesn't, I guess what will really test me is flying solo now we're 5 years single. I am a little alone. I think it's the cold, because I want to be hanging with company in a certain sense but want company that's easy on the uptake. I don't like appeasing people or being the odd one out. But being your own best friend runs the risk of becoming one's worst enemy, so it's something to be mindful of at least.
 
For some reason the music artist Eligh popped into my head, one of his songs, reading through your post and looking at your name.

The name fits you well if I may say. I am mad in my own ways though.

Masturbate all day, eh? I can't masturbate anymore because it triggers an alcohol and propylhexedrine fap extravaganza. I shit you not.

I am not complaining about saving my sexual energy for a more rewarding expression however if I am explicitly honest here.
 
hyroller said:
I have never befriended drugs but have had buddies from online if it counts. I removed myself from the situation of the drug-addled hoopla. Lonliness wont get me if tripping up on my own sword doesn't, I guess what will really test me is flying solo now we're 5 years single. I am a little alone. I think it's the cold, because I want to be hanging with company in a certain sense but want company that's easy on the uptake. I don't like appeasing people or being the odd one out. But being your own best friend runs the risk of becoming one's worst enemy, so it's something to be mindful of at least.
Click to expand...
I like that. I definitely feel we can only truly befriend another once we friend ourself. I mean surely someone who is an enemy to themself could probably benefit by having a good friend to help them deal with that struggle but in order to be the best friend to another you should be a good friend to yourself I would imagine.

Also nothing wrong with not having many friends. Sometimes we might have none. Right now I am facing some struggles in my own friendships but I do think if I straighten my own head out it won't really matter what happens as some friends don't stay in your life forever but new ones can be made and you never know when a new lifelong friend might show up.

Also Ajahn Brahm has a lot of good stuff to say on being friends with others and yourself if you like that kind of stuff. You talking about being a friend vs. enemy to yourself reminded me of him for some reason.

I'm sure there are thousands of people trying to explain similar things on the Tube. Call me traditional I guess. Mentioning a monk. Hey his insight is worthy but this is kind of getting off topic isn't it?
 
ProfessrHyperdimensional said:
Masturbate all day, eh? I can't masturbate anymore because it triggers an alcohol and propylhexedrine fap extravaganza. I shit you not.
Click to expand...

Bit of preacher priesthood never did anyone any harm! libido I find isn't a constant. men are too easy to encourage in the sack. they would be better put to good use, in my humble opinion. like, giving a good scalp massage... I'd accept a sanitary pair of hands for my temples and the very top of my head, any gender for the actual scalp rubbing, but I am more entertained by men. lol.
 
mal3volent said:
As far as the risky behavior goes, I don't have a good answer for that. I've engaged in a lot of risky behavior over the years, especially in regards to sex, driving under the influence, and some other things. But I'm pretty much agoraphobic now and have been at other times throughout my life.
Click to expand...

I've overreacted due to smoke inhalation, shit can sure be a nasty if not problematic woven web.... if others'are forced to deal with your worser tendencies, but, I presently live in fear of being attacked, too, so I like to limit the level of risk I engage in full stop now. I'm going through an introverted phase.
 
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