drugs & guilt

[lilfire]

I've been using benzos for I think 2-3 years now. I've never taken them every day, but at least once a week for that time. I think I could stop taking them and be ok but I'm psychologically addicted to them. I take at least 1 klonopin and 1 xanax a week, usually 1 more of one or the other. I realize that's not a lot and am proud that I've been able to keep it down to those doses.

However, the last four months or so I've added ritalin and vicodin to the mix. I take these in moderate doses probably 2-3 times a week. I'm not out of control, I have a full-time job, some meager but decent savings. No one would peg me as a druggie.

Recently I went on antidepressants. I've dealt with depression and anxiety all my life. I thought it might help me cut down on the number of pill-popping days. I also drink to excess, maybe twice a week.

I'm a very shy person and whenever I have a social activity lately I'm popping pills. I don't NEED them, but I have them. I see it's a slippery slope and I'm scared, scared for my physical and mental health. The vicodin and ritalin use has accelerated. The benzos I tried to keep to therapeutic doses, but then I started using them to potentiate the painkillers and ease the ritalin comedowns.

I feel terrible about it in a way, but it alleviates so much worry. Not feeling up for the staff meeting tomorrow? Xanax and ritalin, my friend! I'm screwed, aren't I?

 

[Legerity]

Do you feel guilty? Why should you feel guilty? There is nothing "wrong" with drug use. It may or may not create the consequence that you are looking for, but there is no moral value to be attached to it.

Benzos, stimulants, and opiates have a way of creating a very seductive state of comfort. It is very easy to start to rely on them. I don't know if you are or aren't, but you can figure that out I've run into problems relying on drugs to deal with social anxiety, so be careful with that.

 

[lilfire]

i do feel guilty because often the person i present is not who i really am. i feel guilty because if my family knew they'd be deeply saddened. i take drugs to pretend everything's all right, and it's artificial. i guess i have guilt issues to begin with, for no logical reason maybe, just a built-in guilt. i remember the discovery of guilt as a child, and it's the same kind of dread/guilt i feel in moments of clarity now. it's like i'm unclean in some way. and i was raised agnostic. wtf?

 

[Legerity]

i do feel guilty because often the person i present is not who i really am. i feel guilty because if my family knew they'd be deeply saddened. i take drugs to pretend everything's all right, and it's artificial. i guess i have guilt issues to begin with, for no logical reason maybe, just a built-in guilt. i remember the discovery of guilt as a child, and it's the same kind of dread/guilt i feel in moments of clarity now.

You're not responsible for your family's emotions.

I suppose guilt can be a motivator for change. But I tend to think that anything done out of love will have a more desirable outcome than something done out of guilt. Doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong to act out of guilt or anything. But it really just makes everything harder. You have the actual issue, and then the guilt piled on top of it. The guilt it worse than the issue itself.

 

[lilfire]

you're right, the guilt is worse. i feel like a bad person. i don't think i am but i feel like one.

 

[Legerity]

Well you're not a bad person. You can change that feeling from one second to the next if you decide to. You just have to realize that you are able to

 

[MindOverMethadone]

Sorry but I have to disagree. You see yourself going down a bad road, small habits from my experience have potential to turn into full blown addictions, especially with the substances you're messing with. Vicodin is just a gateway drug for even stronger opiates, which then turns into dependence. I used to pop a couple hydrocodones here and there, became a daily habit, tolerance went up, then I started using harder drugs (oxycodone, fent, Heroin). Drugs ARE bad. Not to sound like a bible humper, but dude...I'm only saying that 'cause withdrawals are the worse thing ever. If you think opiate withdrawals are bad, Benzo withdrawals are worse. You don't know me so you don't have to take my word for it, but if you can, drop the vics. If you need the benzos for anxiety, just make sure you don't ever quit cold turkey. That's very dangerous. And don't ever mix your drugs, please.

Btw, high five for being from Sac town Go kings!!!!!!!!!!

 

[lilfire]

thanks for your responses to what i'm sure is a dumb post. the problem with me is i'm always functional. i've got vast reserves of repression and denial. it's a blessing to be functional, but i worry too that though i know it's a problem, i'm not going to get help unless forced to. i'm not going to get help of my own volition, though i know i need it. i'm too ashamed to say i have a problem. you'd have to get it out of me by torture. so i'll remain functional and substance abusing and treading water forever. i almost envy people who have big meltdowns, because then they have to get help and (hopefully) ultimately change and move on with their lives. me, i'm stuck. i'm like... gay married men back in the 50's or something, alcoholic, leading a double life but holding it together out of habit, sometimes wishing it would fall apart.

 

[Opioid420z]

i do feel guilty because often the person i present is not who i really am. i feel guilty because if my family knew they'd be deeply saddened. i take drugs to pretend everything's all right, and it's artificial. i guess i have guilt issues to begin with, for no logical reason maybe, just a built-in guilt. i remember the discovery of guilt as a child, and it's the same kind of dread/guilt i feel in moments of clarity now. it's like i'm unclean in some way. and i was raised agnostic. wtf?

"Guilt is a positive emotion." Follow your gut......

 

[MindOverMethadone]

thanks for your responses to what i'm sure is a dumb post. the problem with me is i'm always functional. i've got vast reserves of repression and denial. it's a blessing to be functional, but i worry too that though i know it's a problem, i'm not going to get help unless forced to. i'm not going to get help of my own volition, though i know i need it. i'm too ashamed to say i have a problem. you'd have to get it out of me by torture. so i'll remain functional and substance abusing and treading water forever. i almost envy people who have big meltdowns, because then they have to get help and hopefully ultimately change and move on with their lives. me, i'm stuck.

I think you're being a little too hard on yourself.
I am a Junior at a pretty good University, maintaining a decent job, dating the most beautiful and loving girl in the universe. But even I had to admit defeat; I left everything I had this past week and moved out to South Korea. Can you imagine that? Driving a nice car, having a beautiful girlfriend, pretty much had everything for someone my age. It was THE hardest decision I've ever had to make, but in the long run, probably the best. Not probably, it's definitely the best decision I've ever made. I feel like half the man that I was up until a week ago, but I know I'll be twice as strong once I completely rid myself of these drugs. Trust me man, I know it sounds really cliche, but the first step to sobriety is admitting you have a problem to begin with. Not only to yourself, but to those around you.

My ASIAN PARENTS, who are strict as hell, accepted me for who I was. They embraced me and helped me get through the hardest thing I have ever been through. I'm always here for lend a hand and both ears, so if you need help with direction, I'm here. Along with a lot of other veteran members who I consider experts in this field.

 

[EAGERBEEZ]

your going wayyyyy to hard on urself. you are pretty much what i would consider a shining example of drug use in moderation and not letting it take over your life. you have no reason to feel guilty or like ur a bad person (unless its for reasons OTHER than drugs).

and as far as getting help goes, i think itd be good for you to see a therapist. its not like the only way to get treatment is rehab. just tell him how u feel and why you feel that way, and if u dont wanna admit drug use just make shit up for a while. eventually ull trust them enough to open up (trust me ive beeen there). look at ur life and try to see the good in it. you have a lot going for you man. best wishes

 

[MindOverMethadone]

If it makes you feel any better, I lied to my girlfriend for damn year 2 years about my opiate addiction. I hid it pretty well. I was overwhelmed with guilt because after so much time had gone by, how could I possibly tell her? I had been lying to her this whole time. What else could I have been lying about. But she understood and helped me make the decision to move out of town, get clean for good.
You're still in the "moderate user" stage and if you ever plan on quitting, do it NOW. Don't wait for your habit to turn into a full blown addiction. Just trust me on this one...

 

[Legerity]

thanks for your responses to what i'm sure is a dumb post. the problem with me is i'm always functional. i've got vast reserves of repression and denial. it's a blessing to be functional, but i worry too that though i know it's a problem, i'm not going to get help unless forced to. i'm not going to get help of my own volition, though i know i need it. i'm too ashamed to say i have a problem. you'd have to get it out of me by torture. so i'll remain functional and substance abusing and treading water forever. i almost envy people who have big meltdowns, because then they have to get help and (hopefully) ultimately change and move on with their lives. me, i'm stuck. i'm like... gay married men back in the 50's or something, alcoholic, leading a double life but holding it together out of habit, sometimes wishing it would fall apart.

Well posting about it here is a good start

"Guilt is a positive emotion." Follow your gut......

Guilt is based on a lack of acceptance. If you act purely out of guilt you will continue to experience guilt in your life. You can take the same action with two different intentions and have different results.

 

[TheLostBoys]

i do feel guilty because often the person i present is not who i really am. i feel guilty because if my family knew they'd be deeply saddened. i take drugs to pretend everything's all right, and it's artificial. i guess i have guilt issues to begin with, for no logical reason maybe, just a built-in guilt. i remember the discovery of guilt as a child, and it's the same kind of dread/guilt i feel in moments of clarity now. it's like i'm unclean in some way. and i was raised agnostic. wtf?

Millions of people take drugs to pretend that everythings alright. SSRI"s make people pretend that they are normal. Opiates basically make you feel super & alleviate your mental & physical pains. I dont see anything wrong with alleviating your mental & physical pains with narcotics as long as you can maintain some form of normality on it.

 

[TheLostBoys]

If it makes you feel any better, I lied to my girlfriend for damn year 2 years about my opiate addiction. I hid it pretty well. I was overwhelmed with guilt because after so much time had gone by, how could I possibly tell her? I had been lying to her this whole time. What else could I have been lying about. But she understood and helped me make the decision to move out of town, get clean for good.
You're still in the "moderate user" stage and if you ever plan on quitting, do it NOW. Don't wait for your habit to turn into a full blown addiction. Just trust me on this one...

My gf just started to do opiates when I first met her & we were & still are open to everything we do, whether we are together at the time or not.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

I don't know how stable my relationship with my girlfriend would be if she were also a user. I think we would be poison for each other and our relationship would be a rollercoaster ride. The only reason I was able to get clean was due to her clear state of mind and ability to make rash decisions. I love her very much and I owe her my life. If you and your girlfriend are able to maintain a healthy relationship while doing opiates together, sounds like fun to me :D more power to you bro.