Drugs are tearing me apart.

[Chameleon boy]

I feel like I'm losing who I used to be. I recently lost my job due to failing a drug test for cocaine. I then became useless and sat on my couch for the last two months doing nothing. I dried up both of my bank accounts drinking myself into oblivion and doing more cocaine and many other drugs. I keep making excuses for not getting a new job but I finally had an orientation for a job. I cleaned up my act for the drug test but then turned the job down for other reasons. Now I start a new job on Monday but it's Friday and I just got very intoxicated and did more cocaine knowing that I might have another drug test when I get there on Monday. I couldn't help myself once I got drunk. Nobody knows of my drug use except my best friend.

I have a long history of mental illness.... Depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I've attempted suicide a couple times but failed (thankfully). I went to therapy for professional help one time but felt like they couldn't help me. I know I should keep trying but I can't bring myself to do it. There's also a possibility that I also have antisocial personality disorder but that's unconfirmed. The therapist just said it's a possibility but he needed more sessions with me to be sure.

I don't really even know why I'm typing this thread..... I guess maybe I just need to vent.

(Note: This next part is.... Edgy, to say the least. But I assure you in not gonna do anything stupid)
As I type this I have a loaded 9mm beside me. Not because I want to kill myself or die... But because it's a feeling of power. I hold my life in my hands. I have the power to live or die... That kind of control makes me feel emotions.... Which I normally suppress and lock away. Apathy is 90% of my emotional spectrum. The gun is a gateway, in a sense.

I chase away the people who care about me. Not on purpose... I do it subconsciously. I have no one but my one best friend. And I'm pretty sure even he is getting sick of it/ me. Plus, he's got his own issues. We all do. I'm just bad at dealing with mine. He helps as much as I let him ( not much). He's a great friend... Better than me

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this, if you did. Let me know if you have any suggestions or advice. They're very welcome.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Start your new job, and look or consider getting sober from cocaine and drugs, and get help for your mental health issues.

I am going to move this to the dark side. Welcome to bluelight.

 

[Chameleon boy]

I'm coming down from it all now.... I feel pathetic. I'm not used to talking about things like this. Especially to strangers.
I hope I can pass the drug test.
I keep "getting sober". I just keep slipping and falling back into it. I want to stop... Honestly, I don't even like the way cocaine makes me feel anymore. I just..... do it. I don't understand why. It's a compulsion when it's available to me, which is quite often.
I hate feeling vulnerable and that's how therapists make me feel. It keeps me from going back. I need to find a way to get over that fear.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[Bi-Guy]

Sounds to me like the substance abuse stems from your untreated mental illnesses, I'd start with those first. Cut off the head and the body will die....

 

[silverwheel]

I know of many people who have some fear in therapy because of the vulnerability involved, and I know from experience that it can be difficult to find a doctor that you feel comfortable with. I definitely think you should find a doctor that is good with dual diagnoses - they will have a good understanding of how addiction and mental illness interact with each other, and would help you quite a bit. I also think a good doctor might be more beneficial to you than a therapist right now - I would still try to find one, but I think talk therapy by itself may be insufficient for your needs right now. I'm definitely worried about the firearm, especially since you've attempted suicide in the past. A gun is a very impulsive weapon, and it only takes one really bad day for it to seem like a good idea.

I have a feeling that your bipolar may be why you're feeling antisocial - bipolar can definitely cause people to crave isolation and to shun opportunities for help. That feeling you describe that a doctor or therapist couldn't help you? That's the illness talking. And by listening to it, you're letting it win. A good psychiatrist can help you get "over the hump" and into a place where talk therapy can be more effective.

 

[szuko000]

I think the first thing you need to do is realize that you are human and as one you will make mistakes. We all make mistakes some of us make the kind that damage credit others become drug addicts some kill someone but we all make mistakes. All you have to do to make all of this right is learn for the mistake and move on after that it becomes something you accomplished "pulling yourself out of a slump or downward spiral" and youll be better for it.

It is easier said then done but the first step is one you already took which is admitting the whole thing is out of hand. Coming here and talking to strangers on the internet is nice because the empathy and help is there with the anonymity of the keyboard. I think you need to find a therapist and it needs to be one you like and one that will assist you in a way that helps you. Therapy is different for everyone and it is something that i think everyone needs to a degree. I may get my therapy from venting online or helping others here but it is my way of dealing with issues and gaining a feeling of self worth. We are social by nature so even just telling someone our story is crucial to healing without doing that its hard to get a hold of the situation. Dont be discouraged if the first therapist doesnt work for you there are so many different kinds, some with medications and some without.

But the first and most obvious step is you gotta clean up. Do you know what brings you do to the things you do? Is there a pattern like "When I go out with friend X he always gets a ball with me" or something that you can start with to make it easier? By coming here you have already started to help yourself you should be proud you came here not ashamed.

 

[nygiants1313]

Since you said you "feel vulnerable" emphasize on FEEL I doubt you have anti social personality ty so thats a positive

 

[danglesmcgee]

I feel like I'm losing who I used to be. I recently lost my job due to failing a drug test for cocaine. I then became useless and sat on my couch for the last two months doing nothing. .

i know the feeling. But one thing i do know is that sitting around will avail you nothing, but i know its hard to do things when you are depressed. The human brain is designed to work & think hard. The human body was designed to travel up to 30-40km per day (evolution, searching for food sources etc), as we evolve, by not expending this energy it builds up, and it can go to the wrong negative places. GET MOVING! my advice would be to make a drastic change in your life that can help distract you, and most importantly - remind you of who you really are- By introducing yourself to new experiences, and more so - challanges. you can really pulll yourself out of that mindstate and remind yourself of you who are, and what you can achieve. One example is of someone i know who was in a similar siutiation, ended up sitting around drinking all day wanting to die - i convinced him to leave EVERYTHING and fly to the otherside of the country, go to a hostel, start over. Learn to survive, be a human again.

Your probably playing with the gun because your trying to feel "real" as though you have emotions, its called 'suicidal ideology'...But dude, keep the gun away, you can pull that trigger but you really and truly do not know whats on the other side when you pass. You must have more respect for yourself, suicide never seems like an honorable way to go out. We had no say on whether or not we come into this world, therefor we should not have the right to decide when its time to leave. that power should not rest in a bullet that you cant take back. Your body is a vessel, its a place your soul stays in, when your body is gone your soul needs to go somewhere. thats what i believe anyways.

I hope this helps. i hope you survive. sending you positive vibes.

 

[Chameleon boy]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. It's truly appreciated.
On a positive note. I'm in a manic phase now so I feel great. On top of the world even. I know it will end eventually but for now I'm good.
I have a job now and my drug use is being worked on slowly but surely. My gun has been locked away since the night I wrote this post. Not a permanent solution quite yet but for now it's the best I have..... Baby steps.
Thanks again, guys.

 

[kvsouth69]

You are losing yourself. And if you wait to long,it's going to take you forever to find who you were. I say this because I lived this same story and if I could go back I wish I'd have gotten help at the first signs. You will be fine regardless of how long it takes you to pull out. I just hope you do find a way to pull out of this sooner rather than later. It's easier to become into the habit of staying in a funk than it is to get out of one--esp when you've been it for so long (years in my case). But NEVER feel hopeless.. There is ALWAYS hope and life ALWAYS changes.

 

[Cliffy78]

Your not alone brother. There's a lot of is here with similar issues so your in the right place to find people who really can understand and give advice based on actual life experience. Anyway man I can go on and on but I really just wanted to tell you were all here, suffering much like yourself. I wish there were more I could offer but ATM my issues are overwhelming and my dx's are exactly the same as yours with a few others. The antisocial pd is a bitch, if ur like me u can only feel "normal/comfortable" when your by yourself. It's a terrible way to exist and I wish u all the best my friend. I don't have any answers, I'm sry for that. It's just nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way so I just wanted u to know that so maybe u can take some small comfort in knowing were all here, waiting for those great feelings we once had when happyness seemed attainable. Good luck brother! Your friend in pain, cliffy ...

 

[Chameleon boy]

This road goes both ways, my friend. I also wish you the best. All of you ladies and gentlemen.
It IS, strangely, comforting knowing that I'm not alone in this. It is unfortunate that some of you are going through this too though... For that, I'm sorry. Truly. But, like they say, "strength in numbers". At least WE can help each other as much as possible. A community of hurting individuals trying to mend the wounds of our brothers and sisters.

I won't lie.... I slipped tonight..... Cocaine. I'm not disappointed in myself yet.... But I'm sure I will be in the morning. Hopefully I can utilize that disappointment and use it as a tool to combat future temptations.
The song "without you (acoustic version)" by breaking Benjamin comes to mind every time I find myself here. A few other songs by blue October too... But that song stands out the most. The "you" in the song signifies someone I lost years ago. My deepest, darkest secret. I know that one of my biggest emotional issues stem from that. I can't bring myself to face that repressed memory though. Maybe one day.... Just not today.

I CAN proudly say that I don't mess with my gun anymore. As someone in this post pointed out, one bad day might be all it takes to get the courage to pull the trigger. I don't wanna die. I just.... hurt..... But pain subsides. I try to remind myself of that everyday.

We all hurt. That's why this forum is so great. Who better to talk to than someone who is or has been in your shoes? All while keeping your anonymity in tact. All of the cathartic release with next to none of the mental and emotional vulnerability.

Thank you all for your compassion for your fellow man. - Chameleon boy

 

[herbavore]

Hey Chameleon Boy, what strikes me in your story is the strength of your will to live while meanwhile this other force pushes your life to a dangerous edge (compusive drug taking, setting your gun at your side, isolating and sabotaging work prospects). It makes me think that not only do you want to live but you want the life you live to be different and that's where the fear comes in. That's why the part of you that leads you to threaten or destroy your life has power--because it is damn scary to accept that you can change your life! It means that you are holding the reins, you are at the controls and you have to turn away from what is familiar to the uncertainty of the unknown. We humans are not very good at that. How many times have you witnessed a person that stays in a completely abusive relationship simply because at least she knows how her abuser operates, because it's familiar and she knows the patterns? It's the same thing for all of us and our self-destructive, self made traps. We convince ourselves that change is scarier than just living with familiar pain. I encourage you to look at your life--all the aspects of your life from family relationships to work to what you fill your life with when you have free time. Is it what you want? Is it something that you thought you should do or something that you actually enjoy doing?

I picture building a life like planting a new garden. You can go spend a lot of money getting beautiful plants from a nursery and come home and stick them in the ground only to watch them slowly lose vitality and die; or, you can spend time preparing the soil. It's hard work, it's not nearly as much fun, it takes time and effort and it's hard to see the results--it still just looks like dirt! But if you do it, you begin to understand that this is what gardening is all about--making a healthy, nurturing environment that plants want to grow in. The same goes for the self. You can get distracted with all the surface stuff, the heady pleasures or pain of the body or the confusing chaos of your emotions and thoughts. But when you are willing to go to a deeper level of the self--where the old pain comes from, where the old hungers and consequent feeding habits were born, you can start to change the "soil" that everything you do arises from. And everything gets so much easier. We are conditioned by everything around us to avoid going deeply into ourselves. We are taught to fear emotions rather than to ride them.

I agree with you that this venue of an anonymous forum can be amazing. Use it to ask yourself hard questions and to explore what makes you react strongly. What does the coke give you that you genuinely want? A feeling of safety? Energy? How else could you get that in your life?

It seems to me that you are actually in a very good place. So you relapsed into using, as you say that can be a teaching experience for the next time you crave.You reached out not only to anonymous strangers but to yourself. Look at it as a dialogue with someone that needs encouragement and compassion--that someone being you--and be very wary of any shaming or blaming thoughts that your mind might try to throw at you.

 

[Chameleon boy]

I don't know if this thread is still open.... but things are getting kinda rough again. Still using too. I've been feeling more content with life lately. I thought it was because i was getting better or was at least obtaining the tools to deal with my problems. Tonight, however, I realized that I just accepted the monster I've become. The jerk that uses drugs, pushes everyone who cares about me away, and does just enough to survive in life. I'm doomed to eternal loneliness.

That explains the crappy mood I've been in for a while. I've been lying to myself.
If I'm not numb on some kind of substance, I'm miserable. But my ways of making myself numb makes me even more miserable and disappointed. Inadvertently, bringing in more substances. A vicious circle.
As of now, I'm not sure how this cycle will end.... but I don't feel it'll be very long.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

The journey is yours. All the rest of use here are on a similar journey. So even though you have to sort this out alone in the end, just know you are part of a brotherhood and sisterhood by being here. So come here and vent. I do it all the time. It helps. Best of luck on your journey, I hope you'll keep us up to date.

 

[Cliffy78]

I don't know if this thread is still open.... but things are getting kinda rough again. Still using too. I've been feeling more content with life lately. I thought it was because i was getting better or was at least obtaining the tools to deal with my problems. Tonight, however, I realized that I just accepted the monster I've become. The jerk that uses drugs, pushes everyone who cares about me away, and does just enough to survive in life. I'm doomed to eternal loneliness.

That explains the crappy mood I've been in for a while. I've been lying to myself.
If I'm not numb on some kind of substance, I'm miserable. But my ways of making myself numb makes me even more miserable and disappointed. Inadvertently, bringing in more substances. A vicious circle.
As of now, I'm not sure how this cycle will end.... but I don't feel it'll be very long.

Hopefully things start to turn around for u soon. Just do what u gotta do to get some kind of enjoyment, shit I was gonna write a long post but I can barely keep my eyes open so I'll check this thread tomorrow