I had one suicidal gesture in 1999, but that one was 100% selfish to be honest, and I will never forgive myself for putting my family through that. I was an idiot; I was young and stupid. Fast forward to 2014, I took 6 grams of pentobarbital, and did not die. I forgot to drink the 200mL of Vodka that I had sitting on the bedside table after I drank the liquid anaesthetic. Earlier that year I had sourced vinylbital sodium (which was lost when I moved the following year in 2015, basically left in a throwaway box that was intended for the rubbish disposal), in 2015 I had access to the sodium form of pentobarbital, but that, too, was lost during the move. I also had a few old prescriptions that I'd thrown out, mostly oxazepam pills that I'd been prescribed in 2003 and only took 3 pills of, leaving 22 of the remaining pills (I can remember precisely how many I took back then. And some old Xanax 1mg pills, which were given to me to treat anxiety, again in 2003. I only took 2 and that was that, I wasn't going to take any more because they produced an "artificial" serenity, and I wanted something true, which is why I started exercising because at the time it was the only thing. Sleep still nonetheless suffered. Can't sleep. Would lie in bed for hours. Then I went on to mirtazapine, and was able to sleep through the night without waking up. On that for 8 years, tried to stop, went back on, then tried to stop between 2014 and 2015, then went back on. I guess the suicide attempt in 2014 would have been down to coming off that shit. Then I went off it in 2022, and am now back on it in 2026. It's hard to stop taking mirt. Because my sleep otherwise is an absolute mess.
I was afraid of ending up in a psych ward which can be likened to a prison, so maybe it was a good thing that the drugs are gone. But anyway, that was my story.
