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Drug-taking after recovering from addiction

Z

Z-girl

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2011
Messages
64
Location
Ireland
Okay, so - briefly - I was on antidepressants for about 5 years, during which time I concurrently started getting high on both prescription and illegal drugs (mostly, cocaine, pills and weed - nothing any more serious). But I became addicted to the prescription stuff, and eventually weaned myself off without outside help. So I have been reluctant to do any drugs since then (about 18 months ago), because when I was at my worst I accidentally overdosed twice, and don't want to do that again.

Anyway, I have been craving drugs a lot the past few weeks - not even any particular drug, which is weird, but just want to get high (not really off weed, cause I don't really like smoking, but mainly off sleeping pills or benzos or mdma/pills).

Things in my life are great at the moment, so I'm not sure why I've been having these cravings. I sort of feel like I'm far enough from my dependance/addiction/scary drug experiences that, if I took it now, I would be able to control myself and only do a little bit and enjoy it and not get dependant again. Is this naive though? It's honestly the only reason I haven't done something so far (I had a chance to tonight, for example, but am scared I'd spiral into trouble with drugs again).

Help me decide, or understand, please x
 
Hi Z-girl:)

Things in my life are great at the moment, so I'm not sure why I've been having these cravings
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I understand that. You say you were on anti-depressant meds for five years? So I guess that you have experienced depression. "Real" depression doesn't go away, unfortunately.

I mean, if you look back on your life and see that you've had recurring feelings of melancholy which seemed incongruent with your life circumstances, then there's every chance that you are suffering from depression.

Feelings of wanting to get high on something and not being fussed about what it is - whether it be an escapist kind of experience or a numbing one with downers - often come up when there's an unpleasant and seemingly random emotion lingering below the surface. I'm just speaking from my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt. But I know what you mean about wanting to change your state of being, and not really caring too much about exactly how it gets done.

When you say "things are great" I guess you mean you're external situation. Life is going well. That's the real kicker about depression. It seems to come out of the blue (pun not intended) and can be really annoying and even make you feel like you're ungrateful for all the good stuff that's around you.

I'm not sure that you'd be able to use drugs here and there without getting back into trouble. There's not much advice I can offer you on such a personal matter. Hopefully, however, soemthing I wrote strikes a chord and at least you'll be able to step back and have a look (or feel) at what's causing these cravings.

Take care.
 
"(mostly, cocaine, pills and weed - nothing any more serious).

Does it get more serious? With the exception of Cannabis those are about the most addicting drugs I can think of.

Cocaine? We've all see Crack-Whores - they're no myth. Going from sniffing yay to smoking a bit is not a small leap, I've made it myself. And chasing a freebase high is not a want, but a need. Not like craving another line.

Pills? Xanax? Valium? Benzos are some of the, if not the most addictive drug known to man. The addiction sneaks up on you over a long period of time and you can die quitting cold-turkey. Not to mention the rebound anxiety, insomnia, RLS, and paranoia.

Pills? Percocet? Norco? Percs are nearly OxyContin, an opiate that is in my opinion more addicting than heroin. Same ingredient, only in a smaller dose. Same goes for Norcos, Hydrocodone is extremely addicting, and leads to other painkillers like Morphine, Demerol, Diluadid, Heroin, Fentanyl.

And if you are mixing opiates/benzos + cocaine + alcohol you are seriously risking your life. Opiates and benzos are hard enough on your CNS, especially with Alcohol involved. Then you throw in Cocaine and your heart doesn't know what to do.

Just a warning. You sound like an alcoholic/addict to me, in the making.

Give up drugs until you are middle aged and established. I feel stunted by my Heroin/Klonopin addiction, not to mention the speed and cocaine I've used. I literally feel dumber.

Come back to chemicals when you are older and have cash to spare. I'll paraphrase that line from that Sunshine movie with Steve Carrell. The grandpa is talking about Heroin and he says something along the lines of, " You do this shit at my age you're crazy. You're job is to get pussy, get in every pussy you can. When you're my age, that's when you're crazy not to use the stuff".
 
Z-girl,

So many things you're pondering right now are very familiar to me! I had a little over a year of contented sobriety, and since breaking from that I've dabbled back and forth with this and that, occasionally taking pauses for the sake of my sanity.

I think it's a very good thing that you are feeling apprehension about going back to the dark place you were in. The best ways to get back into addiction include having a "fuck it..." attitude, complacency, and boredom. If you aren't involved with any sort of recovery program already, why not check a meeting out? Maybe visit The Dark Side sub-forum here if you don't already :)

I won't tell you that you should never use again. I will say use extreme caution, and keep thinking hard about things! Stay happy and healthy, inquisitive and informed! Always challenge yourself to be better TO yourself.

"Once an addict, always an addict."
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I used to think this was complete bullshit, but now, to an extent, I know there's a bit of truth to it. I went from being a stoner to a near-daily drinker, to rehab, and then to sobriety. After a few years in the "dabbling" stage I mentioned, I "dabbled" my way to a little crystal. That was almost two years ago. I'm now using meth more often than not - ok, it's been daily for a while now.

Don't ever let yourself stop caring. I have lost so many pieces of myself along the way and regained only some. Add the material things, painful emotions I've endured, and all the time I've wasted? What the hell am I doing?

Thank you for posting. I didn't intend to turn my reply so autobiographical, but I saw such familiar thoughts in your post. Addiction is a sneaky thing, and I just want to be a reminder of that.

***
In a slightly different direction, are you still taking antidepressants? ANY additional drug can and will interact with the antidepressants and their effects on you.

***

I sometimes say "I just don't like being sober." Drugs are fun, but can get so costly...

Find other ways to mix up your perceptions. I am going to spend some time in the woods soon. Long yoga sessions are otherworldly. Read, write, whatever it takes to feed your brain and heart.

All the best.
 
You may be an addict but i know from experience that you can very well prevent dependance. I typically try to stay away from downers though, they are so much more likely to ensnare me with their charm. I stick to psychedelics and stimulants mostly and i go on spurts of drug use biweekly or sometimes every weekend, but i try to switch it up and do different things. Don't let drugs be the source of your entertainment, let them enhance your already good time.
 
If you don't like smoking, but enjoy the effects of marijuana, make some edibles for yourself. This would be, in my opinion, to safest way to use a drug of any kind to get high given your history. Even if theoretically you felt that you got psychologically addicted to marijuana after, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to kick than benzos, opiates / opioids, stimulants in RX form or street form, etc. At the very least you wouldn't have to worry about severe withdrawals that'd be affecting you as strongly, but then again, it totally depends from person to person.

Also, it's important to try to evaluate if you are looking to get "high" versus if you believe you need something to treat some type of undiagnosed issue you're struggling with. Plenty of people end up self medicating for issues like anxiety or chronic pain because they haven't been "officially diagnosed" with it, and therefore feel like they're just getting high. If you're still seeing a psychiatrist, this is the type of subject you should really keep an open ongoing discussion about. Chances are they won't judge you as much as gain insight into your overall state of mind and though process as a result, which could very well end up helping you greatly in the long run.

Good luck, be safe, and feel better!
 
Really advise you NOT to take anything. I know from experience how hard it is to ignore the cravings. I have Bipolar and when I'm depressed I use more. In fact opiates make me more depressed over time. But like you said, your life is good atm, so don't ruin it by getting high. You've got 18 months of sobriety, many ppl on this site would kill for 18 months off drugs. If you get high, without even knowing you I guarantee you'll be addicted again pretty quick. The cravings, I'm told, get easier and less frequent over time, but if you use just once, those same cravings you're experiencing now will be 10x stronger. Its like your brain is trying to forget about drugs, then you get high and remind it about them. What you need is a strong distraction. You need to find something you enjoy, that distracts your brain and keeps you occupied, something that you can do any time. Then when you start to crave, you can go do your thing and by the time your done the cravings will have passed. When I quit the 1st time I managed 2 years, used once and told myself it would only be a monthly treat. 3 years later I'm currently detoxing from a massive habit of 3 years daily use. Something I found was good for cravings was sex, so if you have a BF/GF get them involved. Sex creates drug-like feelings anyway so its perfect for when the cravings are really bad. It will get easier over time, but only if you don't reset it back to zero days sober. You've done great to be clean for 18 months, just say to yourself "I will not use drugs today" everyday, take it a day at a time if your cravings are bad. Every day you ignore the cravings you are conditioning your mind to stop the cravings. Your subconscious will begin to learn than your not going to give in, and redirect its energy to other things.

I wish you all the best and congratulations on 18 months clean. Maybe you can talk me out of going back onto drugs in November 2014, tell me how your 36 months clean and the cravings get easier over time lol

Take care, be happy, don't let drugs control your life because they do a shit job at it
 
Thank you all so much. I'm still not sure why I'm having such bad cravings recently, but I guess the thing to do is try my best to ignore them. There was cocaine going around last night and I have sleeping pills in my room (which is what I got into real trouble with), and I've been so so tempted to take all these things but am terrified that one step back and I'll very quickly pick up where I left off. Argh. I think I actually need to take up running or yoga or something regularly for the next while, and try to get a bit more of a natural high from these things. I don't want to use drugs as an escape, I just love how they feel :) But I used to use them as an escape, and bad habits are rooted in me... Anyway, one night at a time....
 
The urge as me and my friend say for an "altered state ", is firmly rooted in any of us that were drunks ,drug addicts .

The craving for an altered state will let up ,later on .

Its a bad idea , to mess with what got us caught up .
 
Hey Zgirl.. congratulations on pulling yourself out of hell.. There are some common time periods in recovery where it is common for people to relapse.. you infact are rite on one.. 60 days, 90 days, six months, a year, a year and a half, and two years are really common places for people to relapse.. please consider the fact that you may be looking at addiction as physical dependence.. physical dependence is the need to use a drug in order not to feel sick.. addiction is the overwhelming compulsion to use a drug.. it seems to me that you are in the grips of an addictive push rite now.. craving is a huge weapon of addiction, anther one is emotion, including apathy or boredom.. but there are also positive emotions and the emotional center of the brain, the same place the addiction lives, controll them as well.. so it is not uncommon at all for an addict with a great deal of recovery behind them to feel safe even when they think about taking back up a practice that ALMOST KILLED them twice.. with addiction you have to double check your emotional responses as they are not to be trusted.. int he beginning of recovery it is more common for very real feeling, but unwarranted negative emotional responses, like anger, fear, guilt, shame.. but as we progress and the brain figures out that these tactics are not working it reverts to the good cop in the good cop bad cop.. it comes at you as you friend.. but really it is sending you positive emotions, longing, memories associated with warm nostalgic emotions surrounding use.. the truth is that you are feeling all safe and warm and fuzzy about a practice that probably almost ruined your life, almost took it, stole you soul (remember being in the grips of physical dependence, when you couldn't feel your soul like you feel it now.. it was like everything good and bright in you was extinguished.. it took so long to get that back.. now thats its back if you take any of the drugs you will feel the light inside you fade or go out.. that feeling of being alive that wonder will die.. not permanently just for the time you are on the drug.. and then you will come back but you will be a little whacked a little out of sorts, you will feel like you need something to feel right.. and then the whole process will begin a new.. addiction takes a snap shot, it is a still picture of a brief period, possible of an instant when your drug or drugs made you feel amazing.. try and play the whole movie though.. I think you may find that when you play the whole movie through you will get a real picture of what the drugs actually do.. I think i you play the whole movie through you will see something vastly different from the feelings you are thinking about.. think of how you actually feel when you are "high" remember having to use to feel 80% as good as you feel 98% of the time all the time, and when you were using you only felt that 80% for a little bit.. then you felt like shit.. the anxiety, chasing that feeling.. getting sick or detoxing.. can you remember how good it was to feel again, that is once all the emotions calmed down.. that first time you looked around and realized that you finally felt great and you were on nothing.. maybe you even caught yourself like i did.. I came out of a store and just felt amazing.. and because i was such a synergistic poly drug user my brain automatically started taking inventory.. "man i feel great, I have to remember this combination, what am I on.. ONLY TO REALIZE THAT I WAS ON NOTHING.. I realized I had been taking so many combinations of things for so long just trying to feel the way i did sober..

here is a link to some things about addiction and the cycle of addiction that you may benifit from looking at or rexaming..

You are doing absolutely amazing.. dont get played by your addiction.. there is nothing back there for you<3.. or for me.. WOW, nice work=D.. dont walk back into that shitty place;)
 
Thank you, never sick anymore. I needed to read this. I'm battling an almost year long relapse on opiates/opioids after being clean 10 fucking years. I'm so sick, tired, sad, embarrassed and guilty. I can't even look at my kids anymore because I grew up with a couple addicts and I can't believe I'm repeating the cycle. I've never read anything that hit me like what you wrote. So thanks.
 
i think you need to figure out exactly why you are craving to get high in the first place. Maybe it's to celebrate, that's a big trigger for me, i feel great, so i want to feel even better. That always happens to me. When things are shitty i don't even care if i'm high or not but when i'm feeling great, life is great and everything is going well, well the first thing that comes to mind is how can i get high and how high can i possibly get.

There may be no other reason than that, that you are craving drugs but it's something to keep an eye out for. If i'm going to celebrate it's going to be with a psychedelic and not opiates/benzos/stimulants anymore. It's just not worth it after all the shit i've been through, even a few days of use and i'll feel like hell afterwards.
 
For me, I said this in another post, I can never experience "fun" with mind altering drugs. If I ever try to do opiates, cocaine, crystal and maybe even benzos, I start at where I left off. I have tried to dabble and it took me a few days to be physically addicted. If I tried doing an opiate "just once," I felt like shot for the next couple of days. But I now know I cannot ever have fun again.

Cravings seen to come at very weird times in our lives. We will be doing well for ourselves and out of the blue our minds will tell us, "I want to have some fun." I was told that my addictive personality is trying to trick me and I will trick myself at thinking its ok to dabble. I go to meetings now when that happens to me and trust me, I never thought I would be "one of those people." (Not that is bad or anything.)

I can only tell you my experience on these types of situations. Everyone is different but I have found out the hard way that I am an addict. I can no longer enjoy being a "weekend warrior" or a dabbler. Those weekends turn into years.
 
I almost forgot. You will remember only the good times, push yourself to remember the bad times. Play the whole tape through an other claches.
 
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