(drug induced) Sickness

[max_]

The need to fuck up. The need to be sweaty, dirty, broken. The need to lay on a humid bed. To breath the cold air and barely catch with a single blanket enough heat of your own body to not freeze to death. After three days without sleep or food or any form of hygiene. The low life that you loath but in fact look for. Loneliness of body AND soul. Wanting to cry but not being able to. Feeling the comedown kicking but grasping to the last bits of over demanded dopamine neurotransmitters. Not quite enjoying but actually embracing the cold, the dirt, the emptiness, the pain.
Ever realized that you do want to feel that shit too? It's not only about the high. I think that we are also (subconsciously) looking for the lows.

(AKA those are sexy track marks, baby)
Thoughts?

 

[mareseatoats]

The need for a razor blade to slit my wrists and end the freakin' agony of withdrawal...something I NEVER want to go through again.

 

[herbavore]

Do you think it is a form of self-punishment? Or just testing one's own limits? I am interested to hear more about the subconscious desire for the lows.

 

[RedLeader]

You're romanticizing addiction. It feels like a coping skill right now, but really it's enabling you to keep using and to continue doing damage to your life. It's very hard to get past this, because underneath the romantic coating is something really awful that's going to make you feel horrible about your existence. And nobody wants that.

I've suggested before that it's easier to switch over to romanticizing recovery than it is to just stop romanticizing addiction. You need to think of it as a valiant fight NOT to use, than to try and survive the life of an addict.

 

[ArtVandalay]

I never liked the godawful, disgusting feeling of withdrawal. I did everything in my power to avoid it, which is why I became an addict.

RedLeader, I dig the idea of romanticing recovery rather than addiction. Nice!

 

[max_]

Do you think it is a form of self-punishment? Or just testing one's own limits? I am interested to hear more about the subconscious desire for the lows.

For me, it's plain old self harm. I used to cut myself, now I use drugs. It hurts much worst than any knife or hot metal. It hurts in the soul. The come down feeling like you're deadly hurt and you want to hold your hand against the wound but there is no wound. It's all inside your head and it hurts much more than any physical pain I have ever experienced.
At the end of the day, I think that any real addict is in fact trying to hurt themselves from the word go, from the first joint, from the first drink even. At least most of them (maybe those introduced to drugs by doctors are an exception -benzos, pain patients..-). Any person seeking to introduce stuff (chemicals) into their body is trying to hurt himself in one way or the other, they could be more or less aware of what they are doing. But I think it is plain old self harm. I mean you are putting dust into your nose, or smoke into your lungs, or eating pills that will have your heart racing and keep you from sleeping and you don't even know what is in them. Eating something that you're not sure what it is is efing self harm. It goes against all survival skills that we've learn over ages of evolving.

You're romanticizing addiction. It feels like a coping skill right now, but really it's enabling you to keep using and to continue doing damage to your life. It's very hard to get past this, because underneath the romantic coating is something really awful that's going to make you feel horrible about your existence. And nobody wants that.

I've suggested before that it's easier to switch over to romanticizing recovery than it is to just stop romanticizing addiction. You need to think of it as a valiant fight NOT to use, than to try and survive the life of an addict.

I am not romanticizing the life of an addict. I think it's a low low life and anybody (me) who seeks it should be helped by others because they are sick. It is a sickness. It is destructive behavior. It will eventually kill you. It is not nice. It is not worth writing about or singing about or making movies about except for warning others to stay away. It's not like those Tolstoy stories of the skinny russian dude who has to sell his watch to pay for rent. It is more like the old guy stuffing himself at mcdonalds. It is like the soldiers rapping war prisoners. It is like the white fuckers keeping the niggars in the stable. It is like the husband hitting his wife. It is gross. It is disgusting. Nobody should do it and the fact that some of us are doing it is taking away some humanity out of everyone. If aliens from another planet would look into a group of lost addict's thoughts they would either kill us all or simply avoid any contact.
It is not good in any form. It's poisonous. Not worth talking about it it should just be avoided.



Edit: Oh man withdrawals turn me into a total self loathing fucker. My apologies to The Drugs, I love you guys. I'll be back in no time I promise!