Drug induced multiple personality.

[pjoey2457]

I am a 20 year old college student currently tapering off kratom, phenibut, and gabapentin. This is after 2 years of almost daily use. (There has been a few day/week/month breaks) This tapering experience, to say the least, has opened my eyes to what I have really been doing to myself.

I have become such a functional addict to the point that I created another person. Nobody knows about my addiction so it appears to others that I am literally turning into a different person as I taper off - all of my values are changing back to how I was before I was on drugs. When I am high on phenibut and Kratom, I am daring to say what is on my mind. I tell jokes to co-workers and smile often. I socialize, and flirt with girls. When I started using more often, a year ago, I even got a new group of friends that I can only hang out with when I am doing these drugs. Sober, I would not even consider hanging out with these people in the realms of possibilities.

It has gotten so severe that people call me "Joe" when I am not high, and "Joey" when I am high. People laugh about it... It is clearly evident that I am a totally different person when I am using but it is not evident that I am using. (I hide it well and dose very carefully and consistantly)

Now I am having trouble going back to Joe because Joey did a lot of stupid things that Joe does not approve of. It makes me feel very guilty. I can't sleep at night because all of the dumb stuff I did. (Saying whats on my mind way too much, being sexually explicit in front of coworkers, revealing embarrassing things about me.) To put it in simpler terms... Joe and Joey have absolutely NOTHING in common. Not anything. Even my physical appearance changes when I am in Joey mode. I stand taller and wear my hat or spike my hair. I dress up in brighter, more attention grabbing clothes too. 8( It has gotten to the point where people don't make fun of it as much because they think I have a straight up multiple personality disorder. They are starting to think I am insane. (I might be though )

When I finish my taper in a month (I have it all planned out on paper) I want to legally change my name and move somewhere else because I have so much shame about what I have done. I want to not show my face in front of anyone that met Joey. I am humiliated. Its one thing not being yourself one night, doing stupid crap because your drunk. But when it's over a couple of years... it becomes you. This is just too unreal. I can't believe it.

Oh yeah, another thing to note... when I am high on kratom and phenibut... I have no idea I have a problem. I think everyone is just "Jealous" that I am a really confident person. It is not until I am tapering off and not high anymore that it become clear to me that this whole thing is messssed up.


Can any one of you relate to this? Becoming a completely different person, and having the guilt make it difficult go back to the original person.

I posted in this forum before. A year ago. HERE This is before I became completely seperated from my self. I felt guilty, but I wasn't a DIFFERENT person.

Thanks,

Pjoey

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

Yea that was me as well. I'm 21 btw. Since I was 17, I've been on so many substances daily, and when I was high I was a different person. I recently quit and have been sober for 15 days, but I have no guilt for how I am. Over the years, the drug induced me as became the real me, even during sobriety, and I'm quite happy about it. I was quite a troubled kid before I did drugs, with dark and violent thoughts. Drugs helped me control everything, and to look at life on a brighter side. I'm proud of the person that substance abuse has turned me into.

As you edge into sobriety you will feel more comfortable with yourself and what you've done.

 

[OxycoDrone]

That isn't MPD, that's drug addiction.

I'll write more later, sorry, I've been up all night and can't quite face writing a lot at the moment. But it's quite normal, though kind of odd that your friends joke about it..

 

[Swimmingdancer]

I can relate, but I wouldn't consider it multiple personalities. It is just that drugs can lower our inhibitions and make us feel more self-confident etc. It's not that Joey is a completely different person from Joe, Joey is more like Joe without a filter. Normally when sober we may have thoughts that cross our minds but we are able to rationalize that it isn't a good idea to say or do. When we are high we just act on it. Drugs damage the impulse-control part of the brain. Joey isn't worried about what other people think and doesn't have any impulse control. If Joe might silently think to himself "Wow, that girl is really hot", Joey would strut up to her and say "Hey baby, wanna go home with me tonight?". They are the same person, just Joey is more outgoing, confident, careless and says or does whatever comes to mind.

I know how you feel, I am embarrassed about the shit I said or did while on drugs too. When sober our insecurities and shame come back. You are probably feeling extra bad right now since you only recently quit, it should improve. If you really want to start fresh it can help moving to a different place or getting a new job and new set of friends. I don't think you need to change your name and try to erase every trace of your past.

 

[<SpaceHead>]

Man i can relate. im 25 and have been using kratom and phenibut on and off for a couple years but daily recently. They do make you feel so much more social and confident which is something i need more of in my personality but taking addictive drugs everyday im discovering is not a reasonable solution. My five year relationship just ended and i cant tell how much the phenibut had to do with it or how much it was distorting my perspective. Im starting my taper this week, so i guess ill find out soon. Try to remeber alot of the reason you feel so self concious and depressed is because of how unbalanced your brain chemistery is. Im struggling with this too right now, the other night i didnt take my phenibut and woke up after three hours of sleep crying after having a dream that my dad was dying. I feel for you.

 

[hthr007]

I can relate.

Even though I have not used the drugs you've mentioned in your post, I am this way when I'm on a substance too. Any substance makes me into a completely different person it seems. I know that substances are known to lower inhibitions, so I guess that I'm an outgoing, flirty, fun person deep inside. When I'm sober, sometimes I want nothing more than to curl up in my bed and not show myself to the world all day.

I wish I could be "high me" all the time without the nasty side effects of coming down.

 

[jasdero]

Yea that was me as well. I'm 21 btw. Since I was 17, I've been on so many substances daily, and when I was high I was a different person. I recently quit and have been sober for 15 days, but I have no guilt for how I am. Over the years, the drug induced me as became the real me, even during sobriety, and I'm quite happy about it. I was quite a troubled kid before I did drugs, with dark and violent thoughts. Drugs helped me control everything, and to look at life on a brighter side. I'm proud of the person that substance abuse has turned me into.

As you edge into sobriety you will feel more comfortable with yourself and what you've done.

I haven't abused my substance intake however I fully understand the change. Especially what you said about being troubled with dark thoughts. I had shitty life experiences that turned me numb. When I started using drugs , I noticed it either changes me to focus on one side of me , whether flirtacious or caring or whatnot, however in time once I began observing these changes, I put my feelings and personalities back together. I'm still working on it...but I think drugs have opened me up more and made me a better person. I can finally after about 3 years of being numb naturally, I can finally feel more, thanks to the experiences I had with substances. Only trick is to not get too attached to each single individual feeling a drug may give.