drug addict son

[mo 59]

i have joined this site this evening as i am desperate for advice,my 41yr old son is an addict and today he has sent me nearly over the edge with his behavoir,i will give you some history of his addiction and actions,first he got sent to prison for stealing in shops to pay for his addiction,he lost his flat because of this so on his release in july he came to our home which is a 1 bed flat and was sleeping on the setee comming and going as he pleased,he is on benifits but had never offered to pay towards household bills,so i took it upon myself to find him a flat and managed to get him a place with council,this is were everything has gone wrong and i feel a lot of emotion,mad guilty hopeless ,i picked him up this morning to get the keys to the new flat with a purse full of money to buy him carpets furniture ect anyway on the way to veiw the flat he started shouting and calling me and my husband all the names under the sun that he hated us,i pulled over in tears and told him to get out the car and never to darken my door again,have i done the right thing im so unhappy sat here worrying wodering how he will cope,then i think of the hurtful things he said and get mad.where do i go from here

 

[NeighborhoodThreat]

This isn't appropriate for Support, Support is designed for issues with the site itself.

I'm going to move this to The Dark Side, you'll get better responses there.

 

[fakeplastictrees4]

I have never been in your position, but I am a younger sibling of a 30 yr old drug addict. He also gambled his money away and is an alcoholic. My parents had really bad fights with him when he still lived with us (which was up to about 27)

Once they cut him off form everything, seirously...everything! he actually smartened up. They told him he doesnt have a place in our household any longer, so he got a job. And he still comes to our house to borrow change, bus money because he goto his license taken away, food because he had to pay for rent this month and cant afford to buy his own. But slowly...he's maturing. It's difficult on everyone, but you need to do it because you'll just be fueling his behaviour if you enable him. In the end helping him really isn't helping him. letting him go is wat will determine his fate.

 

[charcoal]

Hi mo, so sorry to hear this is going on with you (and your husband).

To be blunt, if he's not willing to get better, don't let him drag you down and destroy you too. If that means stepping back from his life, so be it. You need to look after YOU. At 41 he can most definitely look after himself, and now that he cannot keep taking advantage of you (and you cannot continue to enable him and his addiction) reality might hit him hard and do him some good.

Please get some counseling for yourself. Being a family member of an addict eats away at you and ruins YOUR life too. Don't let it.

 

[Doomed2pain]

^ this has covered it. I have a sister who is an addict. Similar things happened. She is still an addict but now she is earning an excellent wage and just on maintenance. Offer him support if and when he changes his ways, but people have to hit rock bottom before they can climb back up. You did the right thing.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You did the right thing. If someone is being psychologically abusive, and you're just trying to help them out in life, let them realize how they were being an ass to you, while they think it out by themselves.

I can tell you wouldn't have been doing these things unless you truly loved your son and just waned to help him out. It sounds like he is going through drug withdrawal and needs to enter rehabilitation, although, that is just my opinion.

 

[junkymandan]

so you keep enabling his addiction and cant see why he still is a addict and not rock bottom seeing his error ....i think you might need to see a shrink....unless he is wanting help you are just hurting yourself..dont keep funding his habit at any way o5r any form..

 

[Doomed2pain]

^^^^ that's a bit out of order, she wants advice, not abusive comments questioning her mental health!

 

[oliphill]

The best and only thing you can do is look after yourself. He will do what he does and you have no control - See if you have any Families Anonymous or Al-Anon groups in your area. My mum goes every week to a family support group at a rehab. Me and both my brothers have put her through so much - this group has helped her so much. Wish you and your family all the best.

I'll ask my mum if she can send you a message from my account - she will have better advise than me

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^^^ that's a bit out of order, she wants advice, not abusive comments questioning her mental health!

Whilst I think there is a more tactful way that junkymandan could've put his point across, he still has a very valid point nonetheless. I don't think he was being abusive, just maybe could've worded it slightly better.

Parents OFTEN enable their child's addiction. It's a fact of life. It's just that parental instinct that makes them provide for their child, regardless of their age, regardless of whatever shit they've put them through, and regardless of the cost to themself. It's human nature. So, mo 59 I can totally understand why you've continued to try and provide the best for your son throughout all of this.

However, there comes a time in most addict's lives where things MUST take a drastic turn (i.e. "hitting rock bottom"). If your son is appearing to be completely unappreciative of the love and support you're continuing to provide him, if he is actually abusing you verbally and emotionally, there comes a point where you need to say enough is enough, for the good of YOU and your husband, but also your son. He has just been cruising along comfortably, being able to feed his addiction with a roof over his head and a safe place to go whenever he needs it. But if all of that is taken away from him, he will be FORCED to make the necessary changes to get himself back on track.

I am not a mother yet, but I can totally empathise with how difficult it would be to have to fully let go of a child and let them make all of their own choices without offering them a safety net. But honestly, as long as you keep providing for him, he is going to continue on the path he is currently on. You need to weigh up whether it's worth it or not, to keep enabling your son with his current lifestyle, or to cut him off and force him to sort his life out himself.

In light of what junkymandan said, and in a more tactful manner, I would like to add that I think it would actually be very beneficial for you to and your husband to seek some counselling/therapy about what you're currently going through. I can imagine that for a parent, to see your child in such a state, it is extremely distressing and stressful. I think it would help you to have an avenue through which to vent those thoughts and emotions you're having, and to possibly gain some professional advice on how to deal with this situation.

What do you think mo 59?

 

[Doomed2pain]

^ I added the family of addicts counselling in a pm. The first line of it rattled me, the tone was way off. I am sorry about my over reaction but often text get's misinterpreted, with no voice inflections etc. So I apologise I am very sorry. It was the " and you wonder why" part.

 

[n3ophy7e]

No no, it's all good mate

 

[Doomed2pain]

Oh good I don't want to go upsetting anyone :S

 

[Asclepius]

...i pulled over in tears and told him to get out the car and never to darken my door again,have i done the right thing im so unhappy sat here worrying wodering how he will cope,then i think of the hurtful things he said and get mad.where do i go from here

Firstly, my heart goes out to you. I am also not a parent but have seen the devestation and confusion of what it can do to a parent. N30's advice is best, you and your husband cannot manage the fallout from this situation alone- it is an extremely difficult situation to be in. A good Therapist can help you manage the guilt, anger etc that
seems to be neverending in these situations- you need to look after yourselves first, this may also help your son in the long run.

I see my ex(also in his 40's) who has a widowed Mother in her 80's and quite frankly, she wouldnt be alive or sane if it wernt for other family membes protecting her from his addictive behaviour and manipulation. This is just one isolated case- It can/does drastially, change behaviour. It is obvious that you love your son.

Please seek help-are there any Narc Anon meetings in your area? These are support groups consisting of the families of Addicts.
Finally, focus on yourselves for the moment- your son will do what he wants to do and no amount of worrying is going to change that- he needs to learn his own lessons and unfortunately this is out of your control. The best thing you can do now is stay strong and healthy together and let go of control and get help first. It seems counter-intuitive but believe me, it is the only way to deal with this.
Take care of yourselves.

 

[max_]

I am 20, recovering from addiction. I never really understood how much pain was I really causing my family until I stopped. I knew I was doing a lot of damage but I never truly realized how terribly bad I made them feel. I still probably have no idea. You cannot help him if he doesn't want to be helped. But bear in mind that he doesn't have a clue of how much pain he's causing you. He probably thinks he hates you and wants to hurt your feelings up to some extent, he must be mad at you or thinks he is. But trust me on this one, please do trust me: If he had any idea of how bad he really makes you feel, of how much he is actually hurting you, he'd get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. He does not know what he's doing to you, he has no clue. He does not mean it.

 

[8L4YN3]

^I agree with this, while in the grips of addiction you just cant fathom the hurt you're causing. The constant fear of sickness and everything else you deal with when being addicted takes up all of your available mental energy. You're just trying to escape hell perpetually, if only for 6 hours at a time.

 

[maxalfie]

You certainly did do the right thing so don't beat yourself up about it.
I am same age as yr son and also an addict but I would never let my addiction intrude on my parents life.
Your son is an addict and not a child,he is a fully grown man. He is quite capable of looking after himself but hasn't had to because of your help.
He obviously isn't grateful for how you have helped him and if allowed to he will continue to use you for everything he possibly can.
I suggest that you exercise some tough love from now on. Don't let him into yr home, don't give him cash etc.
It will no doubt hurt you to do this but you have got to be strong, this is his problem so let him deal with it.
Once he hits his personal all time low may well be the time he realises that he has to change.
Don't help him or be his enabler anymore.
Its for his own best in the long run.Stay strong and don't give in to him. My prayers go out to you.

 

[Sepher]

N3ophy7e's advice is, as ever spot on. She's a wise one, so she is.

You didn't tell us quite why your son blew up at you, or what it was about, but I suspect I can make a good guess at it. I've been your son you see. My mam did much as you're doing when I came out of jail for shoplifting to fund my habit. She offered me her support and a roof over my head while I got myself together. I abused it. It was a cushy number having somewhere to crash with all the bills taken care of while I continued to thieve and use drugs. Eventually she found me a flat and bought furniture and did all she could to get me back up on my own two feet, and you know what, I resented the hell out of her for it. Felt like she was washing her hands of me and tossing me aside as a problem she no longer wanted to deal with. Bullshit, obviously, but that's the addict mind doing the rationalising it does so very well to enable our behaviours.

You haven't told us if your son is still using, but I'm assuming he is, and he's kicking out at you because he's afraid. Afraid of how he's going to support himself and his habit. It's tough shit basically. He has to choose. Or, he has to try to support both and take the consequences upon himself. It is completely unreasonable of him to expect you to share in those consequences. He's a grown man FFS. He makes his own choices, and if they're bad ones he takes the consequences all by himself. It will be hard for you, but you have to let him make them. It's only when he runs out of easy options that he will be forced to choose. He has to find bottom, and you have to let him.

Support him where you can, but don't let him take the piss out of you. You've done exactly the right thing by your son in helping him back onto his own two feet somewhere he can start over, over and above the call of duty. Do not be made to feel guilty about trying to do what is best for him. He thinks what's best for him right now is your sofa and the habit that enables. Eventually he'll see things differently.

 

[Flo-Rida]

Hi Mo,

Sorry to hear about your problem. I personally feel you need to start speaking to your son again. Negativity will only make an addict want to do more drugs, because his mind will rationalize the situation as, "My life sucks, no one cares about me, so I'll do more drugs to ease my pain." I was addicted to Oxycodone for 3 years and this is how I felt a lot. I also had a problem of blaming other people, so I understand why he's lashing out at you for no reason.

The biggest thing you need to understand is that the person you see now is not your son. He might LOOK like your son, but when the drugs are in his system they take over and all that attitude, yelling, resentment are the drugs talking. It's important that you realize this, as it will help you deal with the situation better.

You need to get in touch with your son and offer a compromise. You need to tell him that you understand what he's going through but you want him to stop. Tell him that you'll continue to help him, i.e. let him stay with you, get him an apartment, help him with money, etc.. but the condition of that help is that he quits his drug use and seeks professional help. If he does that, then he'll continue to get your love and support during his time of need, but if he violates your trust and continues his drug use then that's it, you're done and he's on his own.

Don't help him if he's going to keep using, because that will make him think he can just get away with it. You MUST draw a line in the sand and force him to pick a side. If he wants to pick the side that lets him keep doing drugs, then tell him you're sorry and that you love him, but he's all on his own and that he's not allowed to come to you for help. But if he picks your side, then help him get a plan together to quit the drugs, help him get into an outpatient/inpatient detox clinic, etc.

Good luck. Remember the key to helping people in this situation is to remain compassionate and caring, but not to give in.. you need to be firm and set the rules, while at the same time being a logical, rational person and understand that your son is going through a hard time, the drugs are controlling him, and he's not thinking rationally like you are.

 

[herbavore]

Hi Mo,

You MUST draw a line in the sand and force him to pick a side. If he wants to pick the side that lets him keep doing drugs, then tell him you're sorry and that you love him, but he's all on his own and that he's not allowed to come to you for help. But if he picks your side, then help him get a plan together to quit the drugs, help him get into an outpatient/inpatient detox clinic, etc.

Good luck. Remember the key to helping people in this situation is to remain compassionate and caring, but not to give in.. you need to be firm and set the rules, while at the same time being a logical, rational person and understand that your son is going through a hard time, the drugs are controlling him, and he's not thinking rationally like you are.

Mo, I was the mother of an addicted son and so I can more than sympathize with you--I can feel it in my bones. The above advice by Flo-Rida is very good. There is a big difference in saying"never darken my doorway again" and "I am sorry but if you decide that you are not willing to get clean, I will not support you in any way--emotionally or financially." I know why you said what you did; your son was being abusive and you snapped. It is completely understandable and I hope you don't think that I am judging you for it--I have said many things that I later regretted myself. My point is that it does no good to stay angry at your son for what he is doing. He is an addict and as many people pointed out he is not in control of himself. You have to be strong enough to battle your own fear for him. His problem is his addiction, and getting help for whatever issues led to that addiction. Your problem is to learn how to let go. It is painful and wrenching but in your heart you know that is what has to be done.

How you deliver the message that you will not, cannot enable your son makes a huge difference for both of you. If you can get to a calm and strong place in yourself, believe 100% in what you are doing, you will be able to deliver this message with love and compassion rather than anger and guilt. Good luck. My heart goes out to you and your husband and your son.