Drive-thru

[(Wordy)]

The radio sniffling some song out, and
our ears are on high alert, drawing
conversation to the fringes, as cigarette
ash tumbles out the wound-down windows,
the car idling with us like a lover's sleeping face.

Queuing up in the drive-thru we felt itchy,
as if we were watching lottery balls land
while chewing our tickets; like a mobile
ringing at the back of the theatre, we were
desperate to be muted, forgotten, satisfied.

And we bin the fast-food and guzzle more
cigarettes, drive... through endless green
lights flicking over to late amber, past
drivers tapping fingers on steering wheels,
windscreens snatching warped ghosts.

And the zebra crossings stripe under us,
as the radio station goes off the air, and
we are left listening to the silence, as a
speed camera gets another dumb picture,
its bluesky flash dribbles off the car.


(c) Stu Hatton 1998

http://wordyness.blogspot.com/2005/03/drive-thru-1998.html

 

[yakksoho]

every word was prime, perfect
it almost felt like none of them repeated themselves
if the same word, a different meaning thoroughly (cigarettes)
suble metaphor so unique, spontaneous, that is feels natural!
you almost cannot distinguish each line from your own thoughts
they are this perfectly in tune with the universe the verse creates
well the tone itself describes the context and the pretext -
muted, forgotton, satisfied.

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

To add to what yakksoho said, even tho the images and ideas seem so random theres a deliberateness, an order to them. I loved the dreamy-smokey feel to this. You have talent (Wordy), its good to read your words!

 

[lostNfound]

Feels like a piece in time.
It was about nothing at all just a moment in time, somewhere, but enjoyable to read at the same time, thats what I like.

Only thing that didnt seem right as I read it was guzzling cigarettes!

 

[up all night]

Fantastic. I love snatches of reality.

 

[(Wordy)]

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

Only thing that didnt seem right as I read it was guzzling cigarettes!

Yeah, actually someone else said that when I presented this piece in a writing workshop. I have boundless respect for that person's opinion too, but I've decided to keep it as is, at least until I think of a word that works better than 'guzzle'.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

yeah this was great!

it just seems for the last couple of months that I have just been lurking in words. none of my own to paste up, no responses to others...

i haven't really been able to relate my own words, or pick up others' lately.... but this, this is the first thing that's grabbed me in a while.
i could see the everything unfold as you told it, and it's been a long time since i was able to do that.
thanks.

 

[katmeow]

I like the flow of this, it feels like a whole lot of thoughts tumbling forth, but still controlled.

I dig your writing style

 

[vurtomatic]

I read this a couple of times and can't figure out what it is that got to me until I realized, the way everything is associated, and the imageries it paints in my head, is exacly how I'd imagine a Wong Kar Wai and Christopher Doyle film traslated into words.

Stolen snatches, slow-mo, freeze frames, saturated, washed out colors like an abstract palette of a night.